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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Nov 11th 2016, 9:10 am
  #3616  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Old Nov 13th 2016, 3:19 am
  #3617  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by tommy.irene View Post
Originally Posted by BristolUK View Post
Are you running out of material?
its funny the views all have the same number yet they are months apart.
It's the current thread views at the time the screenshot was taken.
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Old Nov 13th 2016, 6:34 am
  #3618  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday.

But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn’t a sign of it in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma,

-“Granny, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

-“Darling, I really didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far too scratchy.
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Old Nov 13th 2016, 6:36 am
  #3619  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Wintersong View Post
It's the current thread views at the time the screenshot was taken.
You learn something everyday.
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Old Nov 16th 2016, 9:32 am
  #3620  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I went to see my doctor this morning. “Some one decided to graffiti my house last night!” I raged.

“So why are you telling me?” the doctor asked.

“I can't understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”
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Old Nov 16th 2016, 10:01 am
  #3621  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in
he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"
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Old Nov 17th 2016, 9:03 am
  #3622  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
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Old Nov 20th 2016, 3:22 am
  #3623  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
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Old Nov 20th 2016, 10:49 am
  #3624  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."
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Old Nov 22nd 2016, 9:39 am
  #3625  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”

The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”

The husband says, “I haven’t.”
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Old Nov 23rd 2016, 6:25 am
  #3626  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.”

Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”

Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
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Old Nov 24th 2016, 7:12 am
  #3627  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
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Old Nov 24th 2016, 8:53 am
  #3628  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:
1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."
7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."
8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"
9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"
10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, That's why."
11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."
12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."
Share if you've ever hear these words from your mother's mouth or possibly said them a time or two yourself!.
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Old Nov 25th 2016, 3:26 am
  #3629  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up. The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"
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Old Nov 26th 2016, 3:00 am
  #3630  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea. Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise. So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more'. After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'Nodis'll neva do'. The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye it tis! Can yer hand me DA shovel.
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