Go Back  British Expats > General > The Lounge
Reload this Page >

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Oct 18th 2016, 3:43 am
  #3586  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor.
When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room.
"I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?"
"Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It's our policy."
"Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe!"
From the next room another man's voice piped up. . . "That's nothing! I just came here to fix the telephone!"
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 19th 2016, 5:47 am
  #3587  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 20th 2016, 7:39 pm
  #3588  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

-“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

-“How do you know that?”

-“Easy,” the little boy said.

-“All you have to do is add it up like the pastor said,

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 21st 2016, 5:26 am
  #3589  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway train next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", Then returned
to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 22nd 2016, 9:51 am
  #3590  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED..???
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up about every couple hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway.
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
NO, THOUGHT NOT..!
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 23rd 2016, 5:14 pm
  #3591  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Tony and Jane go to see a marriage Councillor.
The Councillor asks, "So, you two are married, correct?"
"Correct," they reply..."And you are having regular sex?"... asks the Councillor...."Absolutely," they reply.
"So," laughs the Councillor, "what is the problem?"
"Well, our partners don't really approve."
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 24th 2016, 4:58 am
  #3592  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

“Dance of the Hillary” Phone Virus Hoax – Hoax-Slayer 2G
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 24th 2016, 11:01 am
  #3593  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Dear milkman...
I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 25th 2016, 6:14 am
  #3594  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Tommy and his wife were relaxing after she'd made a lovely meal but she soon fell asleep.

Tommy thought he'd reward her with a nice cup of tea so went in to the kitchen and saw all the used pans and dishes so he thought he'd wash up too.

When he'd done, he made the tea and gently woke his wife "I've made you a nice cup of tea sweetheart" he said.

"Why thank you dear, that's a lovely surprise, I must have dropped off, look at the time."

"Yes" said Tommy "I washed up too. That Black pan took me a while but the wire wool scourer has got it nice and shiny."

"Tommy, that was my nice new Teflon coated non-stick pan, it cost thirty five quid".
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 25th 2016, 7:26 pm
  #3595  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.

-“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.

-“Just pray for your family, friends, and neighbors, the poor, etc.,” said his father.

-“Okay”, the boy said,”.

-“Dear Lord,… Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again.

Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy’s Blackberry.

And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom’s room when Daddy is at work.

AMEN”

Dinner was canceled.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 26th 2016, 9:33 am
  #3596  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Clocks go back this weekend.
Good job I kept the receipts.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 27th 2016, 3:28 am
  #3597  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

This Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Aaron Smith, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said, “your pecker gets harder when you're away from home”..
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 27th 2016, 8:36 am
  #3598  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ......
I assumed you had stolen the car.''
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 28th 2016, 6:21 am
  #3599  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guest sitting in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Oct 29th 2016, 9:50 am
  #3600  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I had an uncle who drank a lot... When he died, he was cremated. He burned for two days
tommy.irene is offline  

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.