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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Jun 21st 2015, 6:36 am
  #3001  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"
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Old Jun 22nd 2015, 8:15 am
  #3002  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
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Old Jun 22nd 2015, 2:22 pm
  #3003  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

This is soooo interesting!! Totally feeling pretty blessed right now and not "piss poor"!

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell . ...... . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive... So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring?
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Old Jun 23rd 2015, 8:30 am
  #3004  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
"Well you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly", she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."
"That's fair enough", I replied, "When can you start?"
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Old Jun 24th 2015, 8:30 am
  #3005  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"
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Old Jun 25th 2015, 7:42 am
  #3006  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet?

Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address
"Your [email protected]."
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Old Jun 26th 2015, 8:16 am
  #3007  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery.
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Old Jun 26th 2015, 2:09 pm
  #3008  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Hot & steamy
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full
lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The
handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his
steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced
gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released
her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her
bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often
hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to
satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an
aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it
seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one
heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never
fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been
made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want
more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES
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Old Jun 27th 2015, 7:34 am
  #3009  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
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Old Jun 28th 2015, 7:18 am
  #3010  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.
I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt!!
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Old Jun 28th 2015, 7:46 pm
  #3011  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down.)
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What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes!!
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Old Jun 30th 2015, 6:46 am
  #3012  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog." The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too." The man at the door says, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
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Old Jul 1st 2015, 6:20 am
  #3013  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Bubba: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad: For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba.
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Old Jul 2nd 2015, 8:08 am
  #3014  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I still love to spoil my wife, when she works late she calls me before leaving the office... Then I will run her hot water, stir the bubbles just right so that as soon as she gets in she can start the dishes
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Old Jul 3rd 2015, 7:17 am
  #3015  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
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