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-   -   Jokes: A little light distraction! (https://britishexpats.com/forum/lounge-7/jokes-little-light-distraction-435206/)

keithwalters Mar 18th 2007 10:12 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A primary school teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

chrisw Mar 18th 2007 10:27 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
LOL! VERY good keithwalters :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Still LOL!:thumbsup:

brisca Mar 18th 2007 10:34 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had ever heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

MnM Mar 19th 2007 5:12 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
*lol* They are all great, love reading them! Keep 'em coming ;)

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from €250 to €500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the €500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the €500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for €500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
The funeral is on Thursday.

chrisw Mar 19th 2007 11:33 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Lol! :rofl: Nice one Martha!


HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS...
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that
will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
The Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"You shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So God went to the Black people and said, "I have Commandments."
The Black people wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour your Father
and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

Then God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "You shall
not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

So God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "You shall not
commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, God went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10." :rofl: :rofl:

There, that ought to offend just about everybody!

keithwalters Mar 20th 2007 12:49 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

chrisw Mar 20th 2007 11:53 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by keithwalters (Post 4537955)
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

Lol! :rofl:

jdr Mar 21st 2007 5:09 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Engrish Warfs HERE

MnM Mar 21st 2007 8:34 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :thumbsup:

Love this thread!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want
me to do, no matter how kinky, for €10....on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,"You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a
€10 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with
her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said....

"Clean my house.":p

martin36-1 Mar 21st 2007 8:47 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly checkup. The doctor
asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great
and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang.'" Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple
of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My bloody point exactly."

martin36-1 Mar 21st 2007 8:57 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, as he settled into his seat he
noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She
took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."
The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
She replied "I'm giving a speech on popular myths about sexuality."
Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are Irish men.

"I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,
I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me
Paddy."

chrisw Mar 22nd 2007 1:35 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by martin36-1 (Post 4543770)
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly checkup. The doctor
asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great
and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang.'" Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple
of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My bloody point exactly."


:rofl: Was that the sound of a bubble bursting? :rofl:

poollounger Mar 22nd 2007 9:38 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A couple aged 88 and 90 go to the divorce lawyer.. Warily he asks them to sit down.
"And what may I do for you?"
"We want to get divorced "
" I see......I also see that you have been married for almost 70 years.. might I be so rude as to ask why, after all this time, you now wish to get divorced?"

"Simple really....we wanted to wait until the children were dead...."

martin36-1 Mar 22nd 2007 10:28 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
that was a simple one to understand. Did chrisw get it this time????????????????

chrisw Mar 23rd 2007 1:35 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by poollounger (Post 4545893)
A couple aged 88 and 90 go to the divorce lawyer.. Warily he asks them to sit down.
"And what may I do for you?"
"We want to get divorced "
" I see......I also see that you have been married for almost 70 years.. might I be so rude as to ask why, after all this time, you now wish to get divorced?"

"Simple really....we wanted to wait until the children were dead...."

:rofl: Lol!
Nice one Poollounger!
An elderly lady was talking to one of her freinds. She said, "my husband and I were happily married for 60 years. Every Sunday we used to make love to the rhythm of the church bells". :o Her friend replied, "You were very lucky to have had such a loving husband Gladys". :) "Yes", Gladys replied. "And if it hadn't have been for that damned fire engine, he'd still be alive today!" ;)
:rofl:


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