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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Feb 21st 2014, 8:44 am
  #2251  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

There's one that does it with soap and breasts... but I can't find it.
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Old Feb 21st 2014, 3:47 pm
  #2252  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by tommy.irene View Post
Did you know that every 30 days it is necessary to clean the computer screen from the inside? Many people ignore this fact and do not know how. Manufacturers take advantage of this ignorance to increase their sales. My IT guy shared this and said feel free to share with my contacts this utility. To clean the screen from the inside, just click this link: http://bit.ly/19d8ABV
nice one dude
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Old Feb 21st 2014, 5:45 pm
  #2253  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Lenox View Post
There's one that does it with soap and breasts... but I can't find it.
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/ciagnijcycka.swf ....
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Old Feb 22nd 2014, 6:39 am
  #2254  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Thanks Tommy. that's the one! Heh!
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Old Feb 22nd 2014, 7:00 am
  #2255  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Lenox View Post
Thanks Tommy. that's the one! Heh!
Also thanks from me

I had it years ago but could only find a smaller version recently
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Old Feb 22nd 2014, 8:34 am
  #2256  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The name is Paddy and As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
With the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
Septic tanks for twenty years."
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Old Feb 23rd 2014, 8:05 am
  #2257  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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Old Feb 23rd 2014, 9:05 am
  #2258  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove
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Old Feb 23rd 2014, 11:52 am
  #2259  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I'm not sure this is a joke. It is certainly humourous and maybe philosophy:-

In Japan, they have apparently replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry. With their strict construction rules (each poem has only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third), Haikus are used to communicate timeless messages, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
--------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
--------------------------------------------
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Old Feb 24th 2014, 7:11 am
  #2260  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 7:23 am
  #2261  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'
_______________
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 8:44 am
  #2262  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
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Old Feb 25th 2014, 6:14 pm
  #2263  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Fredbargate View Post
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
So what's your endurance technique?
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Old Feb 26th 2014, 8:43 am
  #2264  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
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Old Feb 27th 2014, 8:40 am
  #2265  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A pretty blonde was ticketed in economy class for a flight from London to Sydney. A few minutes into the flight, she got out of her seat, found an empty seat in first class, and sat down.

The flight attendant came and said "Miss, I'm sorry, but you are ticketed for economy class, and I'm afraid you'll have have return to your designated seat".

The blonde retorts "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm flying first class to Sydney". "No", the flight attendant replied, "you cannot sit in first class, I'm sorry".

After some arguing, the flight attendant entered the cockpit and said, "Captain, I have blonde woman from economy class who insists on sitting in first.. I can't seem to convince her to go back to her seat, can you help?".

Captain says, "Oh, no problem... my wife is blonde .. I speak blonde.. just a moment".

The captain gets up and whispers in the blonde's ear. "Oh", she says, "I'm very sorry, I didn't know", and returns to her seat in economy class.

Captain returns to the cockpit, followed by the flight attendant. "Wow! What did you say to her?", the flight attendant asks.

"Oh, simple... I just told her first class isn't going to Sydney".
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