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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Apr 13th 2007, 12:28 am
  #166  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by chrisw View Post
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!
It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big John and the family jewels. She ruined the damn phone and disconnected an important call !
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS....AND THEIR MAKEUP.
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Old Apr 13th 2007, 11:48 am
  #167  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

New here, but always up for a laugh:

Two cannibals have just finished eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Did that taste funny to you ?"

Q: How do you change a duck into a soul singer?
A: You put it in a microwave oven until its Bill Withers.

And finally… as there’s a significant dog-lover element around here:

A dog goes into a post office. ‘I would like to send a telegram please.'
‘Certainly, start now.'
‘Woof, woof woof.......Woof, woof woof......Woof, woof woof.'
‘Did you know sir, that you can send ten words for the same price...why not put another woof on the end?'
The dog stared at the postmaster. ‘That would make no sense at all!'
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Old Apr 13th 2007, 1:20 pm
  #168  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

two cannibals eating a missionary, they decide to start at opposite ends of the body. One looks up and says to the other, 'how are you doing' the others says great. I'm having a ball' so the first one says, 'well slow down your eating too fast'.
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Old Apr 13th 2007, 7:16 pm
  #169  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Here's a good one that seems to be on-topic for this forum, too

The 3rd man in history to ever walk on water!
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Old Apr 13th 2007, 10:24 pm
  #170  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The latest mobiles....

here
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Old Apr 13th 2007, 10:28 pm
  #171  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Traffic jams and road rage...

here
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Old Apr 14th 2007, 1:09 am
  #172  
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Default Down on the farm

A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?"

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck "Go!" and the old rooster took off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He shoots the young rooster.

He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife...

"Son of a bitch ... third gay rooster I bought this week!"
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Old Apr 14th 2007, 11:03 am
  #173  
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Default Re: Down on the farm

Originally Posted by big wheels View Post
A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?"

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck "Go!" and the old rooster took off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He shoots the young rooster.

He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife...

"Son of a bitch ... third gay rooster I bought this week!"
...Excellent...LTMPGW.......
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Old Apr 14th 2007, 12:10 pm
  #174  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by IntuitiveNipple View Post
Here's a good one that seems to be on-topic for this forum, too

The 3rd man in history to ever walk on water!
Oh man, I just spat some beer
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Old Apr 14th 2007, 3:12 pm
  #175  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A trip to the sea side

[URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w71ekwrdC-whttp://"] HERE[/URL]
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Old Apr 14th 2007, 6:02 pm
  #176  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

At first glance I thought it was this rooster joke…

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, 'Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.' Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk.

'Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,'

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed him toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked, but… well, pleasantly surprised. A while later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and getting rather worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

The farmer goes to bed wondering what he should do. He wakes the next day, only to find Randy sadly as dead as a doorknob lying out flat in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, distressed by the loss of such a colourful, and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've gone and done to yourself.' Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, 'Shut up will you? They're getting closer!'
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Old Apr 14th 2007, 9:30 pm
  #177  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

These are the Google Map directions on how to get from New York City to Paris, France -- watch out for step 23.

Click here
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Old Apr 14th 2007, 9:47 pm
  #178  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by MnM View Post
These are the Google Map directions on how to get from New York City to Paris, France -- watch out for step 23.
Someone else listening to BBC Radio 4 this morning, or has this become a viral marketing campaign?
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Old Apr 15th 2007, 7:43 am
  #179  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by MnM View Post
These are the Google Map directions on how to get from New York City to Paris, France -- watch out for step 23.

Click here
Lovely..
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Old Apr 15th 2007, 8:22 am
  #180  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

first signs of spring
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