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-   -   Jokes: A little light distraction! (https://britishexpats.com/forum/lounge-7/jokes-little-light-distraction-435206/)

MnM Apr 11th 2007 6:46 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Billy Conolly talking about "The National Anthem"

Here :rofl:

jdr Apr 11th 2007 7:12 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by MnM (Post 4627740)
Billy Conolly talking about "The National Anthem"

Here :rofl:

He`s a nutter, when I saw him at the Apollo I got real bad jaw ache cos I laughed so much.

Kyla Apr 11th 2007 7:15 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by jdr (Post 4627886)
He`s a nutter, when I saw him at the Apollo I got real bad jaw ache cos I laughed so much.

I agree: he's hilarious. A nutter, a genius and a legend. ;)

MnM Apr 11th 2007 7:19 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by jdr (Post 4627886)
He`s a nutter, when I saw him at the Apollo I got real bad jaw ache cos I laughed so much.

My kinda guy ;)

I have never seen him live, but I can always hope!

jdr Apr 11th 2007 7:45 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by MnM (Post 4627925)
My kinda guy ;)

I have never seen him live, but I can always hope!

From the moment he walked on to the end of the show I had tears in my eyes, and most of the stuff he did I could relate to in my life. Like the gloves with a short string between them that went through your sleeves, and being nose high to a dogs backside.

MnM Apr 12th 2007 1:16 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
"Insanity is a tool, use it well."

How to keep a healthy level of insanity...Do at least three of these daily

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Insist that your e mail address is: [email protected]

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favours.'

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!""3rd time this week!!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

UsE RAnDoM cAPiTaliZaTiON iN EvEryTHiNg YOu wrITe

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Follow delivery men around in pure James Bond style, but make it very obvious.

Persistantly call your bosses 'sweetcheeks' and wink at them in front of everyone.

Threaten to jump out of a ground floor window.

Delibrately get colleagues names wrong.

Ask at a newsagent if they will read the paper to you or at least give you the general jist of it.

Ask to borrow a pencil, snap it infront of their face, then point at the car park and ask which one is theirs.

End all sentences with ".co.uk".

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".

Bigbhudda69 Apr 12th 2007 1:22 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by MnM (Post 4631842)
"Insanity is a tool, use it well."

How to keep a healthy level of insanity...Do at least three of these daily

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Insist that your e mail address is: [email protected]

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favours.'

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!""3rd time this week!!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

UsE RAnDoM cAPiTaliZaTiON iN EvEryTHiNg YOu wrITe

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Follow delivery men around in pure James Bond style, but make it very obvious.

Persistantly call your bosses 'sweetcheeks' and wink at them in front of everyone.

Threaten to jump out of a ground floor window.

Delibrately get colleagues names wrong.

Ask at a newsagent if they will read the paper to you or at least give you the general jist of it.

Ask to borrow a pencil, snap it infront of their face, then point at the car park and ask which one is theirs.

End all sentences with ".co.uk".

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".

:eek: ..I don't get it !!...all seems normal to me...:confused:

jdr Apr 12th 2007 1:24 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by Bigbhudda69 (Post 4631860)
:eek: ..I don't get it !!...all seems normal to me...:confused:

Good, you can now leave the hospital and integrate into society, well done. :thumbsup:

MnM Apr 12th 2007 1:26 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by jdr (Post 4631872)
Good, you can now leave the hospital and integrate into society, well done. :thumbsup:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbsup:

Bigbhudda69 Apr 12th 2007 1:27 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by jdr (Post 4631872)
Good, you can now leave the hospital and integrate into society, well done. :thumbsup:

Quack...Moooo....is that Spanish society ??....if so bring it on...Baaa..:eek:

vox populia Apr 12th 2007 3:01 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by MnM (Post 4627740)
Billy Conolly talking about "The National Anthem"

Here :rofl:

Superb Brillant I think the Archers theyme is much more exillarating!!!!

MnM Apr 12th 2007 7:31 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
http://www.area51newmexico.com/illus...usion_beer.gif

Keri2323 Apr 12th 2007 9:49 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by keithwalters (Post 4532008)
A primary school teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Oh man, I just saw this and actually burst out laughing, amazing :lol:

Keri2323 Apr 12th 2007 10:02 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by jandy44 (Post 4557424)
Funny jokes :)


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Stop & Shop anymore either."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Oh man, that is so funny too, Im going to try and send you my newly acquired karma :rofl:

chrisw Apr 12th 2007 10:34 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
POST ONE, GET ONE FREE DAY!

A man was driving along a rural Alabama road in his beat up old Dodge, when suddenly it broke down.
He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help.
After a few minutes the two men obviously werent going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage.
A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down.
With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.
At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off.
Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph. As the cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldnt believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help:
"You wont believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by...!" :eek:

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!
It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big John and the family jewels. :mad: She ruined the damn phone and disconnected an important call ! :eek:
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS....AND THEIR MAKEUP. :thumbsup:


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