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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old May 5th 2013, 7:14 am
  #1606  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A doctor is addressing an audience.

"The material that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disasterous and none of realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....but there is one thing we eat that has a long term and disasterous effect on our lives. This one food alone...and most of us have or will eat it sometime in our lives....can cause grief and suffering for years after eating it. Can anyone here tell me what it is?"

After several seconds of silence, an old chap in the front row raised his hand and softly said...

"Wedding Cake".
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Old May 6th 2013, 8:40 am
  #1607  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

How to get revenge on negative people.



A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"

"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.

"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"

"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.

"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"

"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."

"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"


A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"

"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."

"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"

"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"

The woman replied........

He said 'Where did you get that lousy hairdo??"
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Old May 6th 2013, 9:55 am
  #1608  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by tommy.irene View Post
How to get revenge on negative people.



A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"

"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.

"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"

"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.

"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"

"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."

"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"


A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"

"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."

"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"

"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"

The woman replied........

He said 'Where did you get that lousy hairdo??"

The old ones are the best.

I recall that was one of Dave Allens favourites.......


.........for those who can recall when there were still some good stand-up Comedians around.
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Old May 6th 2013, 11:40 am
  #1609  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Dick Dasterdly View Post
The old ones are the best.

I recall that was one of Dave Allens favourites.......


.........for those who can recall when there were still some good stand-up Comedians around.
Never saw Dave Allen stand up once.
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Old May 6th 2013, 12:15 pm
  #1610  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by jimenato View Post
Never saw Dave Allen stand up once.
Sharp today aren't we ?

Well I saw him live once at a night club in Shields,
..sitting down of course.

So let's just say he was better sitting down than most of today's apologies for stand-ups, standing up.
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Old May 6th 2013, 1:23 pm
  #1611  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was
trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do"

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
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Old May 6th 2013, 1:27 pm
  #1612  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

TRUE LOVE


My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over
a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me. It was her
beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One
day "little" sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when
I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there
for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged
me and said, we are very happy that you have passed
our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is..............




Always keep your condoms in your car........
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Old May 7th 2013, 7:21 am
  #1613  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away. After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."
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Old May 7th 2013, 6:11 pm
  #1614  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

This one made me laugh - Voice Recognition Lift
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Old May 7th 2013, 8:44 pm
  #1615  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by Lenox View Post
This one made me laugh - Voice Recognition Lift
Excellent.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpYxhVEyOdI

This is a good one, Scottish also, radio station wind-up.
Fash is Scottish for fish, (for those not too familiar with Scottish)
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Old May 8th 2013, 7:16 am
  #1616  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.” Haha
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Old May 8th 2013, 7:58 am
  #1617  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by tommy.irene View Post
In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away. After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."
I borrowed that and put it on another forum which has a thread called "Jokes so unfunny they are funny".
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Old May 9th 2013, 6:53 am
  #1618  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WOMEN.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed over at a girlfiend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 closest friends...... none of them knew anything about it!


FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed over at a buddy's house. The wife call her husband's 10 closest friends..........

8 of them confirmed that he'd slept at their place...and 2 claimed that he was still there.
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Old May 10th 2013, 8:10 am
  #1619  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"
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Old May 11th 2013, 6:56 am
  #1620  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?
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