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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Mar 15th 2013, 7:38 am
  #1486  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"
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Old Mar 16th 2013, 7:51 am
  #1487  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!
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Old Mar 17th 2013, 4:58 am
  #1488  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”
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Old Mar 18th 2013, 9:29 am
  #1489  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
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Old Mar 19th 2013, 8:21 am
  #1490  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test

by the National Health Service, a bloke decided to have this next test

carried out while visiting friends in Thailand, where the beautiful nurses

are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.



As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.



"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.



"I haven't got an erection" said the man.



"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
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Old Mar 19th 2013, 8:58 am
  #1491  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.

However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. '' Congratulations!

You're a free man.

Just tell me why didn't you jump?'' asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, ''Well Doc, I can't swim!''
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Old Mar 20th 2013, 9:28 am
  #1492  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was crushed to death.
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Old Mar 20th 2013, 6:36 pm
  #1493  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Paddy texts the wife from the pub.

"I'm just having another pint with the lads, I'll be back in half an hour,..........if I'm not back in half an hour, read this text again."
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Old Mar 21st 2013, 8:23 am
  #1494  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
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Old Mar 21st 2013, 6:53 pm
  #1495  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' genuine complaints during
> the season.
>
>
> 1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
> not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
>
> 2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
> needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."
>
> 3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every
> restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
>
> 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to
> bring our swimming costumes and towels."
>
> 7. "The beach was too sandy."
>
> 8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
> shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
>
> 10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
> ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
>
> 12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
> startled."
>
> 13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."
>
> 14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as
> they were all Spanish."
>
> 15. "The roads were uneven.."
>
> 16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took
> the Americans three hours to get home."
>
> 17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
> three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."
>
> 18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're
> trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"
>
> 19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The
> food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."
>
> 20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
>
> 21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly
> guests before we travel."
>
> 22. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite."
>
> 23. "My fiancée and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
> double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
> myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room
> that we booked."
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Old Mar 22nd 2013, 6:36 am
  #1496  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "no tanks, oi've only got a small garden."
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Old Mar 22nd 2013, 7:37 am
  #1497  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, “We ' ll lie and say we only found two!”

A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52!


Paddy ' s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t ' t work; if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I ' ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it ' s turkey."

More Irish…

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you ' re making love to your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday, and laughing at you.”

Paddy says, "Well the joke ' s on them, stupid, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy ' s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven ' t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."


Paddy says to Mick, “I ' m ready for a holiday, only this year I ' m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?” Paddy replies, “I ' ll take her with me!”

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year.” Mick says, "Let ' s hope it ' s not the 13th."

Paddy ' s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it ' s for dry hair and I ' ve just wet mine."
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Old Mar 23rd 2013, 8:54 am
  #1498  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in the pub, stands next to me and starts drinking. I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts things like kung-fu karate or ju-jitsu?" He says, "No why you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese?" "No" I said, "it's
because you're drinking my pint ."
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Old Mar 23rd 2013, 8:55 pm
  #1499  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A Jewish man walked in to a bar and sat down to have a drink. After a few drinks a Chinese man came in and sat next to him. The Jewish man immediately turned and punched the other man in the face.
The Chinese man shouted, "You fool! What was that for?" The Jewish man replied, "That's for Pearl Harbor." Chinese man said, "You idiot, I am Chinese not Japanese!" Jewish man replied, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

The next day the Jewish man was sat at the bar when the Chinese man walked in and proceeded to punch the Jewish man in the face.
The Jewish man clutched his jaw and said angrily, "Owww, why did you do that?!" The Chinese man replied, "That's for the Titanic."
The Jewish man said, "But an iceberg caused it to sink, not me!"
The Chinese man smiled and said, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference!"
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Old Mar 24th 2013, 6:05 am
  #1500  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
"A jack"
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