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I Laughed So Much It Hurt

I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Old Oct 21st 2011, 9:51 pm
  #751  
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by noni
...

Tap on the Shoulder

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to
get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
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Old Oct 21st 2011, 10:00 pm
  #752  
 
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Welcome and thanks for popping in, good luck for the Rugby tomorrow, if Wales couldn't win, - be assured I am behind NZ.
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Old Oct 21st 2011, 11:43 pm
  #753  
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by noni
Welcome and thanks for popping in, good luck for the Rugby tomorrow, if Wales couldn't win, - be assured I am behind NZ.
Thanks, I feel like a noob.

Me too! NZ should walk it.
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Old Oct 22nd 2011, 7:57 pm
  #754  
 
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

IRISH SAUSAGES


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'


The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.


At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'


Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.



...................................



HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH



Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear,
and would be the best- dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new,
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
and I'm wearing it,'' she replied .

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said ,
''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress.
After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did
find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
''Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied ,
''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO
WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)

Women are like phones:
They like to be held , talked to, and
Touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected !

Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly ......... On a broomstick.....
We are flexible like that.
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Old Oct 23rd 2011, 7:20 pm
  #755  
 
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

Five years later ...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Holly-wood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

J
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 12:51 pm
  #756  
 
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE


Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait.... and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient!

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

.........................

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Glasses of Wine
> >
> > When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
> > when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the
> > mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine.
> >
> > A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
> > items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly
> > picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and
> > proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
> > students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
> >
> > The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
> > them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles
> > rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then
> > asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it
> > was.
> >
> > The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it
> > into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
> > He asked once more if the jar was full. The students
> > responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
> >
> > The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under
> > the table and poured the entire contents into the jar
> > effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The
> > students laughed.
> >
> > 'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want
> > you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The
> > golf balls are the important things---your family, your
> > children, your health, your friends and your favorite
> > passions---and if everything else was lost and only they
> > remained, your life would still be full.
> >
> > The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
> > your house and your car.
> >
> > The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put
> > the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no
> > room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for
> > life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small
> > stuff you will never have room for the things that are
> > important to you'
> >
> > 'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
> > happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with
> > your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get
> > medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play
> > another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and
> > fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the
> > things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is
> > just sand.'
> >
> > One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the
> > wine represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad
> > you asked.'
> >
> > The wine just shows you that no matter how full your life
> > may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of
> > wine with a friend.'
> >
...................................
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 1:23 pm
  #757  
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by noni
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE



The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Glasses of Wine
> >
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for
life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you'

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The wine just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.'

...................................
Nice, I like the thought
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 2:18 pm
  #758  
 
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by goanstay
Nice, I like the thought
The couple of glasses of wine with a friend!
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 5:33 pm
  #759  
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations

Inland Revenue
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 9:18 pm
  #760  
 
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemist

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"

The pharmacist fainted !
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Old Oct 25th 2011, 11:09 am
  #761  
 
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The Things I Owe My Parents

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ..
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Old Oct 25th 2011, 5:31 pm
  #762  
 
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...







The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"




The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."




One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge..





He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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Old Oct 27th 2011, 3:05 pm
  #763  
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines
One year ago, you would have £49.00 today.





If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you
Would have £33.00 today.



If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one
Year ago, you would have £0.00 today.



If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three
Years ago, you would have £0.00 today



But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago
At Tescos, drank all the beer,



Then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you
Would have received a £214.00.



Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to
Drink heavily & recycle.



A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900
Miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons
Of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the
Gallon!

Makes you proud to be British.

Every little helps.
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Old Oct 29th 2011, 3:06 pm
  #764  
 
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Drunk Driver. True story from Australia

Drunk Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland, Australia.
Recently a routine police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer observed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night).. Then he flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyzer test..

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be malfunctioning."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

..... ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Irish Medical Dictionary
The Irish have the lowest stress rate
Because they do not take medical terminology seriously...

Medical Term Irish Definition

Artery The study of paintings


Bacteria Back door to cafeteria


Barium What doctors do when patients die


Benign What you be, after you be eight


Caesarean Section A neighbourhood in Rome


Cat scan Searching for Kitty


Cauterize Made eye contact with her


Colic A sheep dog


Coma A punctuation mark


Dilate To live long


Enema Not a friend


Fester Quicker than someone else


Fibula A small lie


Impotent Distinguished, well known


Labour Pain Getting hurt at work


Medical Staff A Doctor's cane


Morbid A higher offer


Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days


Node I knew it


Outpatient A person who has fainted


Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis


Post Operative A letter carrier


Recovery Room Place to do upholstery


Rectum Nearly killed him


Secretion Hiding something


Seizure Roman Emperor


Tablet A small table


Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport


Tumour One plus one more


Urine Opposite of you're out



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Old Oct 30th 2011, 5:02 pm
  #765  
 
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said:

"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant; and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
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