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Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Old Mar 9th 2014, 1:54 pm
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Default Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Okay, before I begin, yes I know it probably wasn't the cleverest thing for me to get pregnant considering the state of the relationship I'm in. But it's done, and I'm not undoing it, before anyone wants to comment on it.

I've been living in the South of France for nearly 3 years now. I moved out here because my partner was offered a French contract with the transnational company he works for. I used to work for the same company too, back in the UK, which is how we met. His job in France was already in the pipeline when we got together. I had my reservations about moving out here as I loved the city we were both living in and would quite happily have spent the rest of my life there. But in the end I let my heart rule my head, and followed him across the channel to be close to him.

Now, nearly 3 years later, I've got no close friends, a job, or much of a life to show for the constant challenges I've tried my best to meet. My partner thinks I could have done 'a lot more', which causes some tension. He's generally successful, has been promoted at work, has lots of friends, and can't emphasise with the difficulties I'm facing out here. As a consequence I feel inadequate, lonely, as well as stuck, like I can't move forward with my life.

So I'm at the end of my tether and want to go back to the UK. I miss it so much and want to be closer to the people who are most important to me. But my partner wants to stay put as he says he has better job prospects here, and loves his lifestyle, which, when he's not working revolves mainly around snowboarding in the Pyrenees or surfing off the Atlantic coast.

Now I'm pregnant it complicates things, of course. If I go back to the UK I face the possibility of life on benefits as a single parent. If I stay out here, where I feel isolated and unhappy, I worry about my capacity to be a good mother. I wish I could feel hope for the future, but just feel scared and powerless. It's a horrible head/feeling space to be, and am finding it hard to be positive. Which is why I'm posting this I guess, to get some perspective, maybe from someone who has been in a similar situation.

Last edited by MissAJ; Mar 9th 2014 at 2:48 pm.
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Old Mar 9th 2014, 4:27 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

It sounds like you've already made your decision.

If you and your partner want different things from life, you have to let each other go. Otherwise, one of you is going to be frustrated and miserable, and you sound as if you're both still very young. It takes a strong and mature relationship to be able to genuinely and willingly put the other person's wishes in front of your own without resenting it, and to be honest, it doesn't sound from the tone of your post as if there is that much feeling is left in the relationship at this point.

Staying in a bad relationship 'for the sake of the child' is poisonous. Talk to your partner; be honest; both of you need to take responsibility for your own feelings and actions that have led to this situation so don't lay the blame on each other; try to part on good terms, and prepare yourselves for having a child as part of your lives, albeit not as a family.

It's not right to try and use a child to glue a broken relationship back together.

That's my opinion.
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Old Mar 9th 2014, 4:47 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Can I just ask how long you might have really been feeling this way? I ask because, I too found myself pregnant in France, I'd been with my partner for a number of years, but...probably my hormones raging, and life wasn't too good for us for quite some time...anyway I fully decided that I would chuck in the towel, as my partner was a selfish sod and go my own way. It can be very hard to mentally adjust to parenthood for both parties. I wasn't one of natures mother earth types, and truly hated being dependent on someone else for income. I was bloody lonely too.

All sorts of things...lots of them really bad, followed, and I am amazed that we are still together, now married, and our son is bloody brilliant and has just turned 13...I didn't have any more children, the first one was entirely unplanned. I stayed in France until 18 months ago, and thanks to having a child there made lifelong friends who have been incredible support...kids and dogs are amazing passports to friendship.

Just take time for yourself, think about who you are and what is best for you and your child... do you have family support in the UK? Please don't burn bridges and rush things. Do you love this man, does he love you? I 'now' adore my husband with all my being, but there have been frequent times when this has not been the case, and I'm sure he has felt the same.

My very best of luck.

Last edited by MillieF; Mar 9th 2014 at 4:49 pm. Reason: Typo
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Old Mar 9th 2014, 4:52 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Hi MissAJ and I hope you get something useful out of the forum.

It seems from what you say that you have more of a lifestyle problem than a relationship problem. In other words you and your partner haven't found a place where you're both happy to be. It would help to know where you are in France in order to give some constructive advice - sounds like you could be in Toulouse but that's just a guess on my part.

France has some good things going for it - such as it being a great place to have a baby so I wouldn't necessarily be in a rush to give birth in a National Health hospital if I were you.

Anyhow some more detail would help in giving you some pertinent advice.
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Old Mar 9th 2014, 5:47 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

One of our friends moved to France during her pregnancy, and she was never happy, and they moved back to the UK 4 months ago. It has changed her life. Her husband wasn't so keen to move back, but like us we both have to agree on our lifestyle. If one of us isn't happy here, we will both move back to the UK. You should do what you feel comfortable with. Maybe the relationship isn't meant to be if he is being narrowminded about this. It sounds as well that he isn't involving you in his friends, which is not good.
Our friend also wouldn't involve herself in a creche etc for the new arrival, so was very lonely. I can't help thinking your other half seems to be helping himself, when really a move to France is a joint effort, and you need his support, even more so during the pregnancy. Good luck whatever you decide.
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Old Mar 9th 2014, 6:10 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Originally Posted by InVinoVeritas
Hi MissAJ and I hope you get something useful out of the forum.

It seems from what you say that you have more of a lifestyle problem than a relationship problem. In other words you and your partner haven't found a place where you're both happy to be. It would help to know where you are in France in order to give some constructive advice - sounds like you could be in Toulouse but that's just a guess on my part.

France has some good things going for it - such as it being a great place to have a baby so I wouldn't necessarily be in a rush to give birth in a National Health hospital if I were you.

Anyhow some more detail would help in giving you some pertinent advice.
Your reply is interesting as we've discussed the lifestyle/location issue a lot, particularly with regards to how much it contributes to our relationship problems. However we can't be sure to what degree it does, or doesn't, as most of the duration of our relationship has been based here. I do know that my partner also loves the UK city in which we both met. He's just very career orientated and the company he works for in Toulouse (good guess!) are making him feel very acknowledged and rewarded.

Yes, I've heard the health service is wonderful in France and I have a great obstretician. But there has to be more to life than good quality medical care!

Last edited by MissAJ; Mar 9th 2014 at 6:18 pm.
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Old Mar 9th 2014, 6:33 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Originally Posted by MissAJ
Yes, I've heard the health service is wonderful in France and I have a great obstretician. But there has to more to life than good quality medical care!
Well, I'm not sure my daughter would agree. She gave birth to my 4th grandchild (her first) in London just before Christmas and had the most dreadful experience of the NHS at its very worst.

Anyhow be that as it may, your decision is going to be based on more factors than just healthcare and probably the most important is figuring out what's wrong and what's going to fix it.

Toulouse is probably one of the best places to be working in Europe and certainly the best place in France so I can see why your OT is reluctant to leave. As a result of there being a large expat community, the French in Toulouse (yes there are a few) are very reserved and difficult to get to know but, if you do make the effort, they are exceptionally nice people. My wife comes from Toulouse so I should know.

Personally I think it's worth making the effort to try and find a solution in which both you and your OH find happiness. OK getting pregnant at this point is putting the cart before the horse somewhat but there are plenty of couples out there who can't have children so they don't have a perfect life either.

Talk more to your OH and try and find a compromise maybe? Flying back to the UK from Toulouse is pretty easy and cheap way so maybe you could split your time between the UK and France a bit more?

Just ideas but it has to be worth the effort methinks.
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Old Mar 9th 2014, 7:22 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Originally Posted by jvc
Maybe the relationship isn't meant to be if he is being narrowminded about this. It sounds as well that he isn't involving you in his friends, which is not good.
Our friend also wouldn't involve herself in a creche etc for the new arrival, so was very lonely. I can't help thinking your other half seems to be helping himself, when really a move to France is a joint effort, and you need his support, even more so during the pregnancy. Good luck whatever you decide.
+1
@ OP - From what I gather, your partner isn't likely to change his lifestyle to adapt to parenthood, and you are going to be even lonelier, with a baby, than now. If there was tension before, there'll be even more after the birth. Several weeks of sleepless nights don't fare well with working fathers (nor with the mothers, but we don't have to get up to go to work...) and the relationship must be strong in order to survive....
I've never given birth in the UK, but if you stay in France, the maternités are indeed excellent. However, without support from a loving, caring, unselfish partner, you're going to be virtually on your own with your baby after the birth.
If it were my daughter, I'd advise her to be closer to people "most important" to her (= more important than her bf), and get maximum support, and, concerning the child's father, wait to see what the future brings.
I think you'll have to decide quite quickly, as, once your pregnancy has been confirmed by a Doctor, the Administrative Procedures will be triggered off and you must do all the compulsory examinations and tests in order to get the various State benefits.
Which brings us to the question of your healthcare coverage - are you in the French S.S. system? You said you didn't have a job. I may be wrong, but inactive "partners" aren't covered by their respective S.S.s, although I presume that a "bachelor" who declares his future paternity can obtain coverage for his child's mother.
Another factor to take into account when deciding whether to return to the UK or stay here.
All the Best with your decision!
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Old Mar 10th 2014, 10:15 am
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Thanks for all the responses everyone and am getting a lot from all of them. However, as life isn't black and white am finding that I can ally with all of the viewpoints at certain times, depending on my experiences that day with my partner or French people and culture.

For example, when my partner and I were arguing last night I was definitely siding with Eurotrash, jvc, and dmu, thinking this situation and relationship is hopeless, and I've got to get out of it while I still can.

On the other hand there are some occasions when I find myself sitting on the fence. Perhaps I may have had a pleasant morning volunteering with some friendly French people, or my partner and I are at the market chatting with the owner of a bio gallette stand, or maybe the weather is just nice! Then I can resonate more with MillieF and InVinoVeritas. My French level has risen from beginners to intermediate in my time here and there's a stubborn side to me that doesn't want to leave my newly found French language skills half-baked.

Last edited by MissAJ; Mar 10th 2014 at 10:22 am.
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Old Mar 10th 2014, 11:33 am
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Originally Posted by MissAJ
as life isn't black and white
I think you'll find it is, when Junior has arrived and the nitty-gritty of parenthood has to be coped with, even if the sun is shining!
You had an argument last night, what will it be like when the baby's there and you're both tired and irritated and not thinking rationally? You haven't actually said whether your bf is pleased with the news of your pregnancy and whether he'd be willing to reduce his social life and give up his hobbies, to be present for his child (and you) when not working. If he isn't, then you must realise all the practical problems of being virtually a single mother, not to mention the emotional ones, if you stay here.
If you return to the UK to have your baby, surrounded by friends and family, your separation will show both of you whether it's permanent or whether you can find compromises and make concessions.
As mentioned, your bf can visit you regularly in the UK from Toulouse....
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Old Mar 10th 2014, 11:45 am
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

On the other hand - bringing up a child in France will eventually get you more involved with local life. Jnr will go to school, where you will meet other parents and maybe even volunteer to help; Jnr will make friends, and you'll meet their family; etc.

At the end of the day, it's your life and your decision, and you really can't ask anyone else to make it for you. Only you know what you want, what your priorities are and what you're prepared to settle for.
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Old Mar 10th 2014, 12:12 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

I think it's very easy to comment, but we are only hearing the OP's point of view.

It may be that her partner feels his current career path provides the best future for her and their family. He may think the OP may be able to do more to integrate. (Miss AJ - I'm not saying this is the case just saying it's a possibilty)

I think if you can work it out to a point where you are both happy, with children involved it would probably be best.

And I agree, once schooling and just doing child based things you may find it easier to make friends. Practically all my wifes friends have come via the school
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Old Mar 10th 2014, 12:17 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

I think you have to consider what happens once the baby is born in France if your relationship breaks down. Your partner could stop you from taking your child back to the UK to live.

Think very long and hard about whether you want to stay somewhere you're unhappy with someone who you seem to be unhappy with. 18 years stuck in a place you don't want to be is a long, long time.
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Old Mar 10th 2014, 12:19 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Originally Posted by dmu
I think you'll find it is, when Junior has arrived and the nitty-gritty of parenthood has to be coped with, even if the sun is shining!
You had an argument last night, what will it be like when the baby's there and you're both tired and irritated and not thinking rationally?
It's a good question and the answer is that nobody knows. Men deal with fatherhood in ways which no one can predict. Some men feel it's the woman's job to look after the baby and take refuge in work and/or the pub and some men become quite sentimental about it and want to be very involved.

Sure you can talk about it together and maybe even get commitments as to what each partner will do but only time will tell how it will work out in the end.

IMHO this decision would be much better made after the baby is born when you can both see how it's working out - if that troubles you then make a list of the pros and cons of splitting up now and splitting up later and make a decision here and now based on that.
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Old Mar 10th 2014, 12:30 pm
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Default Re: Pregnant & want to move back to UK, but partner doesn't

Originally Posted by Dorothy
I think you have to consider what happens once the baby is born in France if your relationship breaks down. Your partner could stop you from taking your child back to the UK to live.
I think this is very unlikely. Firstly, the BF doesn't seem to want to give up skiing and surfing to spend his time at home. Secondly, I think the JAF (family courts) would be highly unlikely to take custody of a baby away from its mother just because she is returning to her home country.

This is an important decision which should be made based on what works best for everyone and not out of fear.
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