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Homesick in France! Help

Homesick in France! Help

Old Nov 6th 2007, 7:27 pm
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

I can see that tree now... keep those positive thoughts coming. All the best for tomorrow, things will settle down given time - let us know how things go tomorrow.
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Old Nov 7th 2007, 3:38 pm
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

Originally Posted by Bec
Hi to anybody who reads this

I am new to chat rooms, haven't got a clue about the ins and outs, but I found this website whilst trying to find out prices for the TGV, so thought I'd have a go to see if anyone can give me a boost of moral!

I moved to France with my husband and children two months ago and so far I'm finding it very isolating. My OH was a navy lad and used to traveling, so could lay his hat just about anywhere and call it home. Me on the other hand have left my childhood home of Dorset, does anyone know it? Coast and countryside, no city smog to talk of, no hoodies or gang trouble. Why did we leave you may ask? House prices are HUGE, wages are LOW, I have just had my 3rd child and my husband just left the navy. Coming to France has enabled us to buy a much larger house, albeit to renovate, without the need for a mortgage. No chance of that in England let alone Dorset.

I hoped to meet other young(ish) families through school, but have found most of the british community to be of retirement age around here. I am somewhat tied with my 8 month old baby, and my two older children are in school, 5 miles away, and the fact that I am the only driver of the family. Therefore, no chance of joining any french classes at the mo; no babysitter and no other taxi driver for school trips or shopping. My life has gone from being a working Mum, with a hectic social life, to being a sit at home housewife, waiting for the next trip to school or the supermarket/builders merchant.

I love renovating but my little angel doesn't give me much chance to get involved, apart from the odd bit of tradifarging or housework! My husband has got more than enough to keep him busy, and just tells me to stop being negative about everything, any attempt at spilling my heart out just ends in huge rows. I really want it to work here, especially as I've left my job and taken the kids out of a very good school, but I can't help feeling a bit cut off and lonely. Did anyone else feel like they'd made a big mistake to start with? If they can tell me their happy endings I would be more than grateful!
Hi Bec
was in Poole yesterday, was so pretty leaving the harbour. My husband used to do quite a bit of research along the coast round there years ago, so I used to know it quite well, although we lived in Portsmouth at the time.
Hope you are feeling better. See some of the others have given you lots of advice already. Sounds as if you have lots to cope with at the moment, but hang in there, it will get better. We had our 3 in 4 years and moved when the youngest was only 3 months old. I thought I was never going to cope, but you do. I think it's always harder for mom's. You have to sort out everyone else but there is no one to listen to you
At least you know you can spill your heart out here and will get lots of sympathy and support. You've just had a baby, moved, given up any support system you had. No wonder you feel cut off and lonely. It will take time, but it does where ever you go, to make new friends etc. We moved here in 2001 with 3 teenagers, who are all now at university. Lived all over before moving to France and wouldn't want to live anywhere else now.
Keep in touch, especially when you are having a bad day.
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Old Nov 7th 2007, 8:03 pm
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

Hi Val50
Thanks for your message. Poole is lovely, especially the Sandbanks!

It's been a trying day today in more ways than one. Unfortunately my mother in law was taken into hospital during the night with a suspected heart attack, so obviously been very worried about her. Really makes you aware of the distance between us. So the children, bless them, really tried very hard to be brave today, "for Daddy's sake". We did have a quick word with the teachers today, and made them aware of the fact that they have been very upset over the holiday and we have arranged a rendezvous next Monday to talk about their problems and progress. Hopefully get an idea of how they are actually doing in school and see if anything extra can be done to help them settle in.

It's nice to know your teenagers love it here, although I imagine Normandy is very different to our part of France. It is very rural here and I know the locals say there isn't much for the youngsters to do. But we have a few years left before they are old enough to think about flying the nest, and they are certainly enjoying the freedom they have here. Even though Dorset is relatively unspoilt compared to many areas of England, we never let the children play outside our garden gates unless we were out there too. Sounds harsh, but it was a fairly busy road. Here in France we live in a very peaceful, tiny hamlet and the locals love the children even though conversation is very limited! And as for my baby, he's going to grow up thinking its the norm to have a large house and garden and barns to play in!

Anyway, I'm staying positive, keep fingers crossed for Mum-in-law. Have a good evening all!
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Old Nov 7th 2007, 8:17 pm
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

Originally Posted by Bec
Hi Val50
Thanks for your message. Poole is lovely, especially the Sandbanks!

It's been a trying day today in more ways than one. Unfortunately my mother in law was taken into hospital during the night with a suspected heart attack, so obviously been very worried about her. Really makes you aware of the distance between us. So the children, bless them, really tried very hard to be brave today, "for Daddy's sake". We did have a quick word with the teachers today, and made them aware of the fact that they have been very upset over the holiday and we have arranged a rendezvous next Monday to talk about their problems and progress. Hopefully get an idea of how they are actually doing in school and see if anything extra can be done to help them settle in.

It's nice to know your teenagers love it here, although I imagine Normandy is very different to our part of France. It is very rural here and I know the locals say there isn't much for the youngsters to do. But we have a few years left before they are old enough to think about flying the nest, and they are certainly enjoying the freedom they have here. Even though Dorset is relatively unspoilt compared to many areas of England, we never let the children play outside our garden gates unless we were out there too. Sounds harsh, but it was a fairly busy road. Here in France we live in a very peaceful, tiny hamlet and the locals love the children even though conversation is very limited! And as for my baby, he's going to grow up thinking its the norm to have a large house and garden and barns to play in!

Anyway, I'm staying positive, keep fingers crossed for Mum-in-law. Have a good evening all!
Sorry to hear about your mum-in-law, hope all is well now.
It's pretty rural where we are here in Manche, our nearest neighbours are cattle farmers, although Cherbourg is only 40 mins away and Caen is about 1 hour. The kids never had problems finding things to do, there was always something going on. Our youngest loves cycling and it was great to be able to let him go out alone. We moved here from South Africa so our kids grew up living behind electric fences and barbed wire. Moving to France was the best thing we ever did.
It's great to hear you are staying positive with so much going on around you, hang in there, I'm sure it will all come right soon.
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Old Nov 9th 2007, 11:57 am
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

One of the problems for you, and it won't go away I'm afraid, is that the choice to come to France was your husband's. It normally is the man's idea. He is happy to renovate and relax. Rural France is fine for that but it is not an exciting place in which to meet people your own age. If your French is rusty it leaves you solely with fellow ex-pats who may only have one thing in common with you: a shared language. The children will adapt, they nearly always do. Bullying issues aside, they will be speaking confidently in months. However, you must be brave and honest, not hiding behind them so to speak to part explain your unhappiness. Even if they were fine and happy at school etc. you would still be feeling desperately unhappy and that is the real issue. I think you need to talk with your husband and spell out your feelings clearly. What is more important for him: life in rural France or the marriage?
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Old Nov 9th 2007, 3:58 pm
  #21  
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

I've posted on the subject of homesickness before. I probably (hastily) spoke for both myself and my wife when I said that this was the best move we'd ever made. However, for me there have been no qualms about the move and I really miss nothing that the UK had to offer. My eyes are wide with wonder at the things around me here. But... I am conscious that my wife may well not share my enthusiasm - she's recently returned from a couple of weeks in the UK visiting her daughter and grandchildren, and it is these family ties that she really feels isolated from. So I think the OP's original fears are natural.

Our relocation to Correze was a joint decision - there was no pressure, and for me it is everything I'd hoped for. I love the remoteness of the countryside, but we are by no means isolated - the nearest town is 15 minutes away, larger towns no more than 20 and 25 minutes away respectively. We have acquaintances we've made out here - mainly English speaking, so there is always someone to talk to.

Our biggest drawback is that neither of us yet speak French with any confidence, and the lessons we attend are proving to be slow in progress. My wife consequently feels much less in control of her life and is also a compulsive worrier (the combination causes her to lose sleep). The lack-of-French handicap, however, doesn't bother me at all. We get by, we'll improve, and things are slowly getting easier as we pick up the language bit by bit.

So Rodney has probably got it about right. The question is, do you give in and return home, or do you accept that a new life is here for the building, and try and get on with it...?

Chris
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Old Nov 9th 2007, 5:18 pm
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

My sister is in the same situation as you. Living in Annecy now for 2 months with her 13 yr old daughter, her OH working overseas... it's been tough... so isolating for her especially as her french is very limited.

Hopefully Jo (BYTHELAKE) will reply to your posts, she has a very positive attitude towards her situation even if she does feel like screaming at times!!!

I have a somewhat easier situation to deal with as I don't have the worry about language barriers... but we all miss our families and home comforts, doesn't matter where you live.

As has been said here, we all understand your plight, so just holler... we'll be here to listen.
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Old Nov 10th 2007, 2:26 pm
  #23  
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

Hi Bec,

I can't help with the French way of life, but I hope I may bring some insight into your situation.

First the easy bit, the language. Go to the library and get a French English course, find one by someone like Michel Thomas or the Pimsluer courses. This will be helpful for all of you. And give your children a more positive attitude to their situation. Because, even if you do end up returning, the opportunity for them to learn another language fluently is a great advantage for their future. As is having lived in another culture. Children learn quickly and doing it together will help you as well.

Dorset is a wonderful place, I love Bridport, I have friends there and love to visit them. However, you must have left the UK for more reasons than financial. There had to be a stronger reason to decide to move all far away from home and family than the physical comforts you have now. Well, whatever those true reasons were, they are still there, waiting for your return.

Wait a few months, Christmas maybe, and visit. Revisit the old prospects up close and in your face. And do have your family and friends visit as often as they can. Read the UK papers, watch the BBC news on TV. Look at it realistically and see what returning really means.

Nothing will take away the misery of missing family, but you moved to France to better your life and the future of your childrens lives. Find ways of meeting other English families, and try to find out why the bullying from English children? Could it be because your children do not yet speak French and these children feel they can get away with being nasty, as the teachers are not really understanding what is happening because of the language barrier.

If you try harder to accept your decision to move there, and your reasons for doing it, it may help you to adjust more quickly. Commitment is something that takes will power.

All that said, I know how deeply home sickness can affect you, I suffered it when living in the USA for three years. It made me really ill toward the end. But that was because I really disliked the US way of life and the general atmosphere there didn't suit my character. If this is your real problem, you dislike the French lifestyle, well you will have to rethink your entire situation.

I do wish you well and hope you will find a way to stay.

With kind regards and best wishes,

Last edited by peaches17; Nov 10th 2007 at 2:31 pm.
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Old Nov 11th 2007, 8:54 pm
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

Many thanks to all the latest replies, some interesting views and advice given. Only time will tell me I guess, as to whether I use the children as an excuse for my own doubts, although I do think I openly admit to my own reservations about life here. I have no reason to lie about my feelings, the only person I will hurt by doing that is myself, even if I do get on my hubbies nerves by "being pessimistic"!

Realistically, apart from the different language and the lack of friends, life here isn't so different to how it was in Dorset. I certainly didn't live a wild life in Bridport, it's a small, seaside town in the country. Yes, I could drive the 25 miles to find a decent club, but I gave that life up when I had children (some would say I'm way past it at 33 anyway!). Things I miss? Calling in on a friend after a hard days work for a quick gossip and moan about the day! Supermarket opening times. Pizza delivery when I can't be bothered to cook. The occasional trip to the cinema to see the latest thriller or sci fi movie!! That's about it. Things I don't miss? Monday mornings, and Tues, Weds and Thurs come to think about it, endless traffic, even in quiet Dorset it was horrendous, rushing home from work just to start on the housework and dinner, making school packed lunches, trying to think of reasons why the boy next door CAN'T come and play today (knowing full well the language he uses infront of your children), trying to think of things for the children to do in the house because I was too scared to let them wander round the estate with the boy next door, trying to find somewhere to park my car outside my own house.... need I go on? Oh, and the main reason, paying the endless bills.

So there, I have reminded myself of the life I left behind. I spent an hour talking on the phone to my best friend earlier, and it felt like I'd been to see her. My Mum and Dad are coming to live here in March, having bought a house with stables and a paddock. I used to ride daily but could never afford the money or time for my own horse in the UK, so maybe one day when I know this is the life for me, I may get a horse of my own. I do think though, when my youngest starts school, I will have to find something to fill my time, I'm just not ready to put my feet up yet, so it is an absolute must that I become more able in French. I have got the Michel Thomas cd's as recommended thankyou. As for now, I will content myself with renovating our grande maison, enjoying my baby and take each day at a time, without setting myself any expectations or ultimatums. Life is for living is it not?
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Old Nov 11th 2007, 9:03 pm
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

As for now, I will content myself with renovating our grande maison, enjoying my baby and take each day at a time, without setting myself any expectations or ultimatums. Life is for living is it not? [/QUOTE]

Hi Becs,
sounds as if you are doing fine, and it will get easier - honest
Don't be hard on yourself, and enjoy the time with the children. So many mom's now days don't have the chance to stay home. They will be grown up and gone before you know it, and this gives you chance to think about what you really want to do, as well as improving your french along the way.
I think the thing most of us miss when we move (even when it's to English speaking countries) are our friends. I know it's great to make new ones, but sometimes you just need to talk to someone who knows you and understands how you feel.
Don't forget, people are here for you when things get tough
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Old Nov 11th 2007, 9:06 pm
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

Hi Peaches17

It's a small world when you go on these chat rooms isn't it? I notice by your details you are in London now, how does life there compare with life in the US? Do you like it? My parents have sold their house in Dorset to a couple who are moving from Guildford, as are many of the more prestigious properties in Dorset these days, prices are just too high for the locals. Many of the houses are holiday homes and it really is spoiling the area. I understand why the French get annoyed with us Brits when we buy their houses as holiday homes! I used to really want to live in the US, especially when I was younger, in the country again though, not somewhere like LA. Why did you not like it?
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Old Nov 11th 2007, 9:23 pm
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Don't forget, people are here for you when things get tough[/QUOTE]

Thanks Val! Yes, it's great to chat on here. I always said I would only have a third child if I could stay at home and enjoy him/her rather than having to rush back to work, as I always felt I'd missed out on so much with my older two. So I really am lucky now I know. If we'd stayed in England my husband would have had to remain in the Navy for us to have been able to afford a bigger house. He was assigned a 3 year draft in Afghanistan and we were going to have to move to Lincolnshire where he would be based, and I would have probably had to go back to work by now. Things must be better!
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Old Nov 11th 2007, 9:46 pm
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

Originally Posted by Bec
Don't forget, people are here for you when things get tough
Thanks Val! Yes, it's great to chat on here. I always said I would only have a third child if I could stay at home and enjoy him/her rather than having to rush back to work, as I always felt I'd missed out on so much with my older two. So I really am lucky now I know. If we'd stayed in England my husband would have had to remain in the Navy for us to have been able to afford a bigger house. He was assigned a 3 year draft in Afghanistan and we were going to have to move to Lincolnshire where he would be based, and I would have probably had to go back to work by now. Things must be better![/QUOTE]

Yes they must be better. I heard today of friends who were murdered the weekend in South Africa, where we used to live. I give thanks every day that we were able to move to France and our children - although they are all at university now - had the opportunity of living here, and know what it is like to feel safe and free to do the things they want to do. Nowhere is perfect, but when you read some of the problems people encounter on the other forums, France looks pretty good to me
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Old Nov 12th 2007, 7:47 am
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

Hi Bec,

I was so pleased to read you have the language cd's it will make a big difference once you feel you are on the inside. Nothing is so isolating as not understanding a language.

You ask why I didn't like living in the US. It will be a diatribe to tell you, but I will try to explain my sentiment. I went there, on and off, to live over a ten year period. Three year contracts each time.

At first I loved it... The convenience.... Food deliveries of all kinds. Drive in dry cleaners and laundry, drive through car wash with free tank fill up, drive through fast food, drive in movies, drive through library, drive through banks, I could go on, but I'm sure you are with me. Then the excitement, flying to Frisco for breakfast, or, camping in Big Sur, swimming in the Malibu Pacific on the same day as driving to ski in the San Bernadino mountains. I was tireless, and it was exhilarating. The opulence of the place was dizzy making. Then the wonder of the great outdoors, Tennessee and Kentucky, the horses, the wildlife, Racoons on the terrace waiting to be fed into their little fingers, the sunsets, the wind chimes, the music. The men. All wonderful, all Brad Pitt, well more or less.

And before I go on, I lived all over the US, Manhattan, Palm Beach, Atlanta, Los Angeles, Huntsville, and visited a great deal more.

However, it all became loathsome. Because, it was overpoweringly commercial. Nothing real, all Disneyland. Shallow, merciless and corrupt. One big show, the ethos being Las Vegas. The reality, an abandonment of basic human compassion, resulting in deep unhappiness. Most all of American lifestyle is 'phoney' no human compassion in any way that I could see. All of it based on corruption of one kind or another.

It's sort of similar to France or Europe before the revolution and liberty, fraternity, egalite. Small examples: don't get sick, dont grow old, don't be poor, don't rely on the comfort of a friend, don't expect a job to pay a living wage. How to explain this would take a lifetime. If you get a long term illness, your insurance abandons you, it's too expensive, even if you start out as a millionaire and the state don't pick up the tab. So, no health care for you ever again. If you become destitute, no matter how, you are left to starve, after being taxed out of all proportion when active. You spoke of bills, in the US the bills are endless, State Tax, Federal Tax, City Tax, Dd Valorum Tax, exhorbitant utility bills. 40 thousand families in one city alone have their water cut off because they can't afford the high cost of it. They were and are left without the basic necessity of water and as down and sick as those we see in deprived nations. Dying patients taken by ambulance from their hospital to back streets in the city and left with street dwellers because no one pays the bills. Amputees in Central Park left in freezing mid winter wearing only a ragged raincoat covering their mutilated bodies. Prisoners thrown into boiling water, as a mistake, or, chained four inches above their bunks and left 24 hours as regular practice. The death penalty, death row, no access to lawyers, irrational laws, shoot to kill. It permeates the society like a cancer, and, no one utters a word. They are obsessed with the fear of so called communism, which means means any social benefit from the state. It is indoctrination by the unscrupulously wealthy, both private and corporate. Even your bank will set your account up to steal from you one way or another. As a result, they make billions from those who can least afford it. I tell you the corruption of the place gets to you and, if you have one shred of humanity in you, it will kill you.

I didn't want to remain in a drug infested hell hole, which America has become. And as you can no doubt feel from reading this, the anger in me is still as powerful as it was the day I left there, more than ten years ago now.

I still have a few friends I left, and I am so sorry for them. They have no idea how it is to live in the rest of the world, and listen only to the BS they are subjected to relentlessly by their media. And when they hear the truth, they go silent like the abused wife, then deny what they hear and see because they fear the truth will change their status.

Now you know why. And it isn't a pretty picture. But of course, one can live there forever blinkered, while one shops.

Last edited by peaches17; Nov 12th 2007 at 8:02 am.
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Old Nov 12th 2007, 8:30 am
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Default Re: Homesick in France! Help

have skimmed over this thread so might have missed bits ! glad you appear to be getting on track Bec do as your doing and also take time to just be . not surprised it was english kids bullying have done a rapid assesment of complaints from neighbours and guess who are the worst english of course not i hasten to add the irish welsh or scots no good old english when in rome isay. Also i must speak up for older single people its much harder for us i know often we are regarded as second class citizens by england but you try it on your own do you hear us complain No. Could any one tell me why the english most of them anyway treat you as if you have the plague when you meet them out an about . i find french people so friendly and helpful and irish people ihave met are super end of winge Bec you had a very lucky escape notgoing to lincolnshire
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