bad jokes...

Old Apr 8th 2012, 10:37 am
  #106  
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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if I would make a contribution to the flooding in Pakistan. I anwered that I would be very happy to but the hosepipe only reaches to the bottom of the garden.
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Old Apr 8th 2012, 8:59 pm
  #107  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by Blackladder View Post
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if I would make a contribution to the flooding in Pakistan. I anwered that I would be very happy to but the hosepipe only reaches to the bottom of the garden.
If he reads this I'm sure Abdel or his mates won't be sparing with the habanero based phaal sauce on your dish next time you visit his restaurant.
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Old Apr 23rd 2012, 5:37 pm
  #108  
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A joke for the kids. (Or just to make you groan).

What did Big Ben say to the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
“I’ve got the time if you’ve got the inclination.”
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Old Apr 24th 2012, 7:48 am
  #109  
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Jeez Tweedy, the bottom of the barrel has been scraped!

'What's wrapped up in plastic and swings from belltowers?

The lunchpack of Notre Dame.'

Blackie
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Old Apr 24th 2012, 9:38 pm
  #110  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by Blackladder View Post
Jeez Tweedy, the bottom of the barrel has been scraped!

'What's wrapped up in plastic and swings from belltowers?

The lunchpack of Notre Dame.'

Blackie
Jeez, leave something in the barrel.

I'll join in though. With the shortest joke in the world....

Boy scouts, girl guides.

<sorry>
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Old Apr 25th 2012, 1:59 pm
  #111  
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Time flies - you cannot, their flight is too irregular.
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Old Apr 25th 2012, 3:32 pm
  #112  
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The economy is so bad my missus has to have sex with me 'cos she can't afford the batteries any more.
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Old Apr 26th 2012, 9:43 am
  #113  
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Three women are about to be executed by firing squad. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and scatter in panic. She manages to escape.

The angry guards eventually bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and scatter in panic. She too escapes.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"
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Old Apr 28th 2012, 9:19 am
  #114  
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Angela Merkel arrives at De Gaulle Airport.

The Douane asks her.

'Your name madame?'

'Angela Merkel'

'Occupation?'

'No, I'm only here for a few days.'
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Old Apr 28th 2012, 9:36 am
  #115  
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Originally Posted by Blackladder View Post
The economy is so bad my missus has to have sex with me 'cos she can't afford the batteries any more.
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Old May 1st 2012, 1:50 pm
  #116  
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Two aerials got married.

The service was lousy but the reception was brilliant.
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Old May 1st 2012, 6:42 pm
  #117  
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Originally Posted by Blackladder View Post
Two aerials got married.

The service was lousy but the reception was brilliant.
And I thought I was pushing my luck with my Big Ben/Leaning Tower of Pisa joke......
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Old May 5th 2012, 8:52 am
  #118  
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One for the weekend to keep your mind free of all the political voting hooha.....

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
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Old Jun 21st 2012, 10:46 am
  #119  
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Its Friday evening, and just as the plumber was about to leave home to take his fiancée out to dinner the phone rings:

"Hello, this is Dr Watson your GP"

"Good evening doctor, what can I do for you?"

"My toilets are blocked, I can't unblock them so you'll have to come over straight away"

"But doctor, its Friday night, and I've reserved a table in a restaurant where I'm taking my fiancée"

"Listen young man, when you're ill and you telephone me, you don't ask me if I'm taking Mrs Watson out to the theatre! I always come out when you need me!!

"Of course doctor, I'll be with you in about 10 minutes"

10 minutes pass and the plumber arrives bang on time, and dressed in his posh three piece suit he goes straight to the toilets where he chucks in a couple of asprin which floats to the surface and slowly mousses away.

"Right I've put in two, and I'll leave you another 6. Put one in every 6 hours, keep an eye on what happens over the weekend and if it doesn't get any better, give me a ring on Monday morning!!"

Good evening Doctor!!




PS you absolutely have no idea how true this can be
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Old Jun 22nd 2012, 1:41 pm
  #120  
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Le Plumber:-

I'm sure you probably know this, but if not here goes.

To which famous person is the following quotation attributed to?

"If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber."
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