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-   -   bad jokes... (https://britishexpats.com/forum/france-76/bad-jokes-579795/)

treskillard Mar 12th 2009 12:18 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.
The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking:
'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking:
'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

Ewood Mar 12th 2009 4:41 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by treskillard (Post 7371559)
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.
The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking:
'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking:
'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Andrea50 Mar 12th 2009 4:52 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Thanks Tres m8, off to change me delicates .............:rofl::rofl:

Ewood Mar 12th 2009 4:59 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Andrea50 (Post 7372616)
Thanks Tres m8, off to change me delicates .............:rofl::rofl:

Delicate canvas?? :zzz:

Andrea50 Mar 12th 2009 5:02 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
:rofl::rofl:Never ask a woman in a boiler suit with steel toe-capped boots what she is wearing underneath! You might get a shock ................:D

Could be Status Pro on the outside, Janet Reger on the inside ..... go figure ...;)

Ewood Mar 12th 2009 5:21 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Andrea50 (Post 7372661)
:rofl::rofl:Never ask a woman in a boiler suit with steel toe-capped boots what she is wearing underneath! You might get a shock ................:D

Could be Status Pro on the outside, Janet Reger on the inside ..... go figure ...;)

Difficult to think of a plausible pretext for asking :rofl:

Andrea50 Mar 12th 2009 7:24 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Ewood (Post 7372712)
Difficult to think of a plausible pretext for asking :rofl:

:rofl::rofl:In my case m8, difficult to see why anyone would WANT to:lol::lol:

How's the babe? Are you still masking that sick and wee smell with the Old Spice or what?

Ewood Mar 12th 2009 7:34 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Andrea50 (Post 7373130)
:rofl::rofl:In my case m8, difficult to see why anyone would WANT to:lol::lol:

How's the babe? Are you still masking that sick and wee smell with the Old Spice or what?

Ye of short term memory syndrome, tis Davidoff! :thumbup:


I quite like Old Spice too ;)

Andrea50 Mar 12th 2009 8:21 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Ewood (Post 7373162)
Ye of short term memory syndrome, tis Davidoff! :thumbup:


I quite like Old Spice too ;)

Yeah, not bad, if one is desperate and the Jack Daniels has run out .....:rofl:

Blackladder May 4th 2009 2:33 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
An old man goes to the local GP for a check-up. At the end the old feller says 'Now I want a sperm count'. Doc says 'but you're 82!' 'That's OK, I just want to find out if I'm still up for it.'
OK says the doc, take this little jar and come back in a week or so with a sample.'

A week later the old man returned looking shame-faced and holds up the jar, it was empty.

'What happened? asks the Doc.

'Well, first I tried it with my left hand, then I tried it with my right hand, then the missus (she's 80) tried it with her left hand then her right hand, then teeth in then teeth out. Then we tried the old trick of dipping it in warm soapy water, then the new trick of rubbing it with warm olive oil, still to no avail.'

'No luck then' says the Doc

Nope, after all that we still couldn't get the bloody lid off.

Tweedpipe May 5th 2009 10:00 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?"

The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold........" :eek:

Tweedpipe May 5th 2009 10:06 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
And there's more.......

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I
was a hooker!". He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I
must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it". She replies,
"Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!"

Blackladder May 6th 2009 10:07 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Nice two Tweedy!
Be back later...

val50 May 6th 2009 4:22 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
FROGS


A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete
instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching
her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll
take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just
follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the f rog beside you, and the frog
will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise,
nothing happens.

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of
the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please
call the pet store." So the blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into
its eyes and says very sternly:

"Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"


Tweedpipe May 6th 2009 4:38 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Hi Val50 "croak-croak" ;)

Ok, how about this one:-

A professor at the Texas A&M University is giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out
of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a
ghost. About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" A young rustic looking guy in the back raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about
your experience." The young man replies with a nod and a grin
and begins to make his way up to the podium.
As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost."
To which he replies, "Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said "Goats"!!

Tweedpipe May 6th 2009 4:42 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Or.......

A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away. It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a phone.
Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes. "I did them this morning," complains the farmer. "Well I did them at lunch," says his wife. "And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter. So the farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first one to speak gets to do the dishes.
The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell. No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to the kitchen. They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?" After having sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another half-hour. So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"

Andrea50 May 7th 2009 9:50 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
OMG - side-splitting humour at 10.00 am, now I can't concentrate on my boring day!!!

Love the frog one too, think the phrase is "nice work if you can get it".

Blackladder May 7th 2009 11:10 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Two guys were discussing their sex lives at the pub. One said things were, well OK, but he wished his wife would be a little more reactive and enjoy the things he wanted to do with her. The other guy said, 'what you have to do is surprise her, some girls fall for the unexpected approach'. So, when he gets home from the pub (all the lights were out in the house), he creeps into the house, undresses and makes for the bedroom. Unfortunately in the dark he takes a wrong turn and goes into the guest room. In the dark, he creeps up into the bed from the foot end and engages in cunnilingus with the occupant until the woman reaches the wildest orgasm and then collapses in a heap and falls asleep. Well satisfied with what he's done, the guy slips off the bed and creeps into the bathroom to get ready for bed himself. As he opens the door, he sees his wife on the loo. He lets out a scream of surprise and his wife puts her fingers to her lips and says, 'Shhh, you'll wake your mother.'

val50 May 7th 2009 2:19 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's
Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?

Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding
headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last
night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window
and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and,
squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This
was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a
post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red,
with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is
in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at
the table, eating.

Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting
for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table 250

Hot Breakfast 3.50

Two Aspirins 20p

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS'

Tweedpipe May 7th 2009 4:12 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the greetings cards, finally shaking her head.
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?" :D

Tweedpipe May 7th 2009 4:21 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

Tweedpipe Jun 27th 2009 8:53 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
I see this 'Bad Jokes' thread has stagnated a bit over the last few weeks. See if I can revive it.
Bon weekend.

A mother had 3 daughters, all were getting married within a short time of each other.
Because mum was a bit worried, she made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was.
The first card was from her daughter on honeymoon in Hawaii, it read just 'Nescafe'.
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went into the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It read, 'Good to the last drop'. Mum blushed but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from USA, it read only 'Benson and Hedges'. Mum knew from her husband's similar pack of cigarettes, she read, 'Extra long, King Size. She was slightly embarrassed, but happy for her daughter.
Mum waited a week and had no card from the third daughter. Another week passed and still nothing. Then finally, after a month the card arrived. Written on it in shaky handwriting were the words, 'British Airways'.
Fearing the worst, mum got out her holiday magazine, and flipping through the pages finally found the ad for the airline, read it and......fainted.
The ad said, 'Three times a day, seven times a week, both ways'.

Blackladder Jun 27th 2009 8:27 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Nice one Tweedpipe;

Wife comes home from the supermarket and says to her husband 'Funny, I saw a loaf of bread in the supermarket that was named after you'

'Oh yeah! What was that?'

'Then I had another look and saw it was called Thick Cut.'

Blackladder Jun 30th 2009 7:56 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalogue.

Tweedpipe Jun 30th 2009 4:26 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Blackladder (Post 7711309)
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? - From a catalogue.

Boom, boom!

And the L.A. coroner is reported to be having a hard time deciding on the cause of death. He doesn't know whether to blame it on the sunshine, the moonlight, the good times or the boogie!


And in tribute to the star, MJ's kids will dangle him off the hospital balcony.....

Blackladder Jun 30th 2009 7:24 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Michael Jackson was the living proof that in the Great United States you can start life as a black man and end it as a white woman.

Tweedpipe Jul 11th 2009 12:15 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
This weekend's joke.

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Tweedpipe Jul 18th 2009 7:49 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
This weekend's joke.

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person who could work weekends and evenings. She had one eccentric characteristic about her (which was unknown when she was hired). She wore very short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for. The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost items.
The item that had previously been the least popular but was fast becoming the most popular with gentlemen was raisin bread, which was kept on the uppermost shelf.
One day an elderly gentleman came into the bakery and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realised she had not asked him what kind of bread he wanted. So she asked "raisin?"
"No, he replied, but it's beginning to twitch a little."

Tweedpipe Jul 18th 2009 8:01 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
A subtle Coluche joke for you bi-lingual lot!

Combien il y a de gens qui travaillent a la Sécurité sociale?
Un sur quatre! :lol:

Tweedpipe Jul 24th 2009 7:42 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
This weekend's joke.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art Patek Philippe Tourbillon watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man puts the watch to his ear, listens, shakes it, & explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Tweedpipe Jul 24th 2009 7:56 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
And another subtle joke for you bi-lingual lot!

Défense de cueillir des noisettes sous peine d'amandes!
- Coluche

Tweedpipe Jul 31st 2009 10:05 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Weekend joke.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, you arsehole.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's blokes like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ...all in the name of humour".

Flustered, the ventriloquist starts to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

Tweedpipe Aug 8th 2009 8:40 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Weekend joke.

The teacher was taking an English class and decided on the word fascinate to start the lesson.
"Now children, who can make up a sentence containing the word fascinate?”
So Mary stood up and said, "My mum took me to the beach and I saw a lot of sunbathers, and it was fascinating".
“No Mary, I said fascinate", exclaimed the teacher.
Sarah stood up and said, "My dad took me to the zoo and I was fascinated"
”No Sarah, the word was fascinate", replied the teacher.
After a brief pause little Johnny stood up and said, "My sister bought a new blouse with ten buttons on it, and because her boobs are now getting so big, she can only fascenate".........

Sailorchief Aug 11th 2009 5:26 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a newsagent to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the sales girl, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.'
'About 32' is the reply.''Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29. 'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the cashier this burning question. She responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man with a Veterans badge on his lapel waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 68 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a certain and fail-safe way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are..'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.... How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50. 'Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?''

I promise I won't' she says..........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>'I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds.'

Sailorchief Aug 11th 2009 5:41 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
9 WORDS/PHRASES WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but also a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*@# YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Men – pass this onto all your mates and the World will become a nicer and calmer place to live.

Women – pas this on to all the girls you know who need a good laugh.

Blackladder Aug 14th 2009 7:12 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
A hippy gets on a bus and the only other passenger is a nun. The hippy is totally bewitched by the nun's beautiful face and sits next to her and says, Jeez mam I sure would love to have sex with you. The nun blushes and replies that she is married to God and must remain forever faithful. Then she gets off the bus.

The hippy sighs, but the busdriver says 'hey I know how you can have sex with her, every night she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you just put on a long robe, put some stuff in your hair and beard, say you are God and demand to have sex with her.'

So that night the hippy lays in wait in the cemetery. Sure enough, along midnight the nun appears and starts to pray. The hippy walks forward and says 'I am God, I demand to have sex with you.' The nun agrees, but asks can they instead have anal sex, so as to preserve her virginity. The hippy agrees and then has his wicked way with her.

Afterwards the hippy can hold himself back no longer, throws off the robe and shouts 'Ha! I'm the Hippy!' The nun turns round and says 'Ha! I'm the busdriver!'

Tweedpipe Aug 16th 2009 3:01 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"

Blackladder Aug 25th 2009 3:26 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
For those about to take a break.


A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A
beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He
decides, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight
attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.


He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to
fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another
line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning
the hearts of the world'.


Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her
face.


Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines
motto 'Going beyond expectations'.


The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the **** do you want?'



'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile
on his face............. 'Ryanair'

Tweedpipe Aug 26th 2009 8:36 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Nice one Blacky!
Made me think of these:-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VLYpKGVBUg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMA2W...1&feature=fvwp

Tweedpipe Aug 31st 2009 11:53 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with it.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next Day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'

'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her bum that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'.........


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