bad jokes...

Old Feb 26th 2018, 3:22 pm
  #271  
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The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel. They imaginatively named the French cat un deux trois cat and the British, one two three cat. Which cat made it across first? . . . The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

<sorry>
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Old Feb 26th 2018, 4:18 pm
  #272  
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Originally Posted by Novocastrian View Post
The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel. They imaginatively named the French cat un deux trois cat and the British, one two three cat. Which cat made it across first? . . . The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

<sorry>
You're forgiven Novo. Just. Don't tell us, surely that must be a belated Christmas cracker joke.
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Old Feb 26th 2018, 4:20 pm
  #273  
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Originally Posted by Tweedpipe View Post
You're forgiven Novo. Just. Don't tell us, surely that must be a belated Christmas cracker joke.
Worse than that. It's for next Christmas.
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Old Feb 26th 2018, 4:22 pm
  #274  
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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their families.
"My son was born on St George’s Day, ‘remarked the Englishman, ‘So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That’s really interesting’, observed the Frenchman’, My daughter was born on Valentine’s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine."
"That’s amazing’, drawled the Irishman dribbling his Guiness, "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
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Old Feb 26th 2018, 5:44 pm
  #275  
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As Novocastrian mentioned pronunciation (sort of), something stirred. Again, not a joke, but true...

In the days before Switzerland entered into Schengen, us southern 'Swissies' were often crossing the border to stock up on pinard. The Swiss customs officers were well aware of this, and were super vigilant, the limit being two bottles per adult.

A friend told me of a ruse that was becoming increasingly used in and around Geneva.

Pop over to France and buy seven bottles of wine; put six in the car boot, and leave one on full display on the rear seat.

Crossing back into Switzerland, one would be asked the inevitable "Avez-vous des marchandises ou du vin?", at which point one replies - accompanied by a head-jerk or thumb raised towards the rear seat - "Cette bouteille". The expected result being "Merci monsieur, passez une bonne soirée".

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Old Mar 16th 2018, 7:35 am
  #276  
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Mary became aware that her pubic hair was developing fast. She was a little concerned and asked her mum about it.
Mother replied, “That's nothing to be worried about, that area is often referred to as monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

Mary smiled, and at dinner she whispered to her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
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Old Apr 12th 2018, 6:31 am
  #277  
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How does a Frenchman commit suicide?
He fires a bullet 15 centimeters above his head right in his superiority complex ...
What is the difference between God and a Frenchman?
God, he does not take himself for a Frenchman.
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Old May 30th 2018, 6:36 am
  #278  
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The teacher was preparing for a question that she asked the children at the end of the day every Friday. If a child got it right she allowed them the day off on Monday.
Little Johnny had never succeeded in this, but for once was determined to answer a question correctly. So he coloured two of his marbles completely black with a magic marker, then let them roll towards the front of the classroom close to his teachers feet.
Looking down, she suddenly shouted out, "Ok, who's the commedian with the black balls?"
Johnny's hand shot up, and he shouted, "Bill Cosby! See ya on Tuesday miss!"
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Old Jun 28th 2018, 4:14 pm
  #279  
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Invoking the character referred to in Tweddie's signature, if you happen to be talking to a German today, don't mention the Var.
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Old Jul 1st 2018, 9:47 am
  #280  
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you Miss. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
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Old Oct 11th 2018, 11:02 am
  #281  
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Time for another little Johnny joke - with a difference.
I'm sure most of you know that our 'little Johnny' jokes are known as 'Toto' jokes in France. Here's one I heard the other day.

One day in the classroom, morality and manners were being taught.
The teacher asks one of the students, "Michel, if you were courting a girl from a good, well educated family and were sat at the dinner table together with her family, and suddenly had to go to the toilet, what would you say?"
Michel answered, "Wait a second please, I'm just going for a piss!"
The teacher reprimanded him saying, "No! That would be extremely rude indeed. Now how about you Pierre, what would you say?"
Pierre answered, "Sorry but I have to go to the toilet, and I'll be right back."
The teacher said, "Well that's better, but it's still unpleasant to mention 'toilet' at the dinner table"
She then added, "And you Toto? Would you be able to use your intelligence at least for once, to demonstrate good manners?"
Toto answered, "Of course miss. I would turn to my girlfriend and politely say, 'Ma cherie, I beg your pardon as I have to leave for a moment, I'm just going to shake hands with an intimate friend whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner'."
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Old Dec 2nd 2018, 4:18 am
  #282  
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Im going off topic here. This isn't a joke, but a video.!

And if you like rugby - or English humour - you may find that its not 'bad' either - I hope so

Jon
Attached Files
File Type: mp4
VID-20181128-WA0003.mp4 (6.26 MB, 16 views)

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Old Dec 2nd 2018, 7:28 pm
  #283  
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Originally Posted by Jon-Bxl View Post
Im going off topic here. This isn't a joke, but a video.!

And if you like rugby - or English humour - you may find that its not 'bad' either - I hope so

Jon
I like it.
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Old Dec 2nd 2018, 7:51 pm
  #284  
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A clever albeit 'bad' satirical cartoon , which nevertheless made me smile today.
Spoiler:
"Will there be a miracle in the Elysee for Noel?"

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Old Dec 7th 2018, 2:13 pm
  #285  
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Hopefully to cheer a few folks up, including myself.........
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Well just pubs, beer and women normally!"
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