bad jokes...

Old Mar 6th 2016, 8:25 am
  #241  
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Revenge is sweet, I got my own back......

Two Frenchman were on their way back home after a night out on the piss. Both were totally plastered, and walking along the centre of the railway line, Clément turned to Francois and said,
"I've never, ever seen stairs as long as this, especially with the handrail placed so low."
"You're right there Clément, I was just thinking the same thing. At least we've almost reached the top, and I can hear the lift coming."
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Old Mar 12th 2016, 8:48 pm
  #242  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe View Post
A couple went to see a sexologist, they apparently had a problem, and asked the doctor if he could watch them having sex.
He answered it wasn't something he would normally do, but reluctantly agreed.
After the couple had completed their act, the doctor said, "Well, there's no problem whatsoever in the way you make love." And asked for his 50€ consultation fee.
The same thing happened for 3 weeks in a row.
Finally the sexologist asked the couple, "Tell me, what are you trying to find out exactly?"
The man replied, "Well nothing in particular. Except Nicole you see, is married. So we obviously can't take the risk of having sex at her place. I'm married too, so we can't risk going back to my place either. If we go to a hotel, it will be a minimum of 100€. Whilst here, it only costs me 50€, and I'm reimbursed 20€ of that by my Mutuelle!"
likes!
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Old Mar 15th 2016, 9:46 am
  #243  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Obama, Putin and Hollande are sitting naked in the sauna during the G8 summit.

There is a beeping, Obama's presses his wrist with his finger and the beeping stops. Hollande looks at him with astonishment.

"Sorry, it's my diary alert, I have a computer chip under the skin of my wrist".

A few moments later, a telephone rings. Putin puts the palm of his hand to his ear and when he finishes speaking he explains to a perplexed Hollande, "It's my mobile, I've had a chip implanted in my hand".

Hollande feels like an idiot in the eyes of the others.

He gets up, goes to the WC and comes back to the sauna, toilet paper swinging from his arse. The others look questioningly at his predicament.

"Merde", says Hollande "I've got another fax!"
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Old Mar 29th 2016, 4:48 pm
  #244  
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A man goes to the doctors complaining of hearing loss.
The doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms?"
The man replies "Yes, Homers a fat bastard and Marge has got blue hair"
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Old Sep 23rd 2016, 5:11 pm
  #245  
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Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'
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Old Sep 23rd 2016, 7:03 pm
  #246  
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Well you asked for it Cyrian.......

A few years ago I knew a young Scottish lad who insisted on calling his father-in-law the 'Exorcist'. He told me that every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!


At an auction in Glasgow, a wealthy American announced loudly that he'd lost his wallet containing 3000 pound, and that he'd give a reward of 100 pound to the person who found it.
Suddenly from the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give 150 pound!!"
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Old Sep 23rd 2016, 7:15 pm
  #247  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe View Post
Well you asked for it Cyrian.......

A few years ago I knew a young Scottish lad who insisted on calling his father-in-law the 'Exorcist'. He told me that every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!


At an auction in Glasgow, a wealthy American announced loudly that he'd lost his wallet containing 3000 pound, and that he'd give a reward of 100 pound to the person who found it.
Suddenly from the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give 150 pound!!"
Boo!

Best and shortest joke EVAH!!!

Boy scouts, girl guides.
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Old Sep 23rd 2016, 7:43 pm
  #248  
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How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It’s no that dark!
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Old Sep 24th 2016, 6:45 am
  #249  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by Novocastrian View Post
Boo!

Best and shortest joke EVAH!!!

Boy scouts, girl guides.
What does a Newcastle lass use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter
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Old Sep 24th 2016, 2:29 pm
  #250  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by cyrian View Post
What does a Newcastle lass use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter
I like that. It's not true though, the bus shelters aren't there anymore.
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Old Oct 8th 2016, 6:50 pm
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A smile for the weekend........

My wife came out of the shower with a big, flirtatious smile on her face, and glancing at her body said seductively, “Darling…I just shaved down there…you know what that means don't you?"
I replied, “Yeah, it means the bloody drain's blocked up again!”
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Old Jan 30th 2017, 7:48 am
  #252  
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Did you know that during recent scientific studies, researchers found that pregnant women who use vibrators are 90% more likely to have a child who stutters?
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Old Feb 2nd 2017, 5:51 pm
  #253  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Some of these are quite funny.

Request Rejected

Link not working - cut and paste:

http://www.doyletics.com/tidbi ts/militaryadvice.pdf

Sorry - the link may not work

Last edited by cyrian; Feb 2nd 2017 at 6:03 pm.
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Old Feb 3rd 2017, 7:48 am
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Think I fixed it.

www.doyletics.com/tidbits/militaryadvice.pdf
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Old Feb 16th 2017, 10:22 am
  #255  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

What do you do when you see a spaceman?
You park your car in it, man.
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