bad jokes...

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Old Jul 5th 2015, 10:34 am
  #226  
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A dear little old lady, pulls into a filling station in her tiny voiturette, and says to the attendant, "I'd like some petrol, but just a thimble-full, ok?"
"At your service Ma'am" replies the attendant.
"And also some oil, but only 3 drops, ok?" said the old lady.
The attendant is a little setback, looks at her and asks,
"And would Ma'am like me to fart into the tyres!"
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Old Jul 5th 2015, 10:41 am
  #227  
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"Mummy, do cows also go on holiday?"
"Why do you ask that darling?"
"Because yesterday I heard Daddy say to the maid, 'When the old cow goes on holiday I'll have far more time for you'."
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Old Jul 5th 2015, 10:51 am
  #228  
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A young girl goes to see her father.
"Eh papa?" (you guessed it - she's French). "Papa, there's something I don't understand. My friend said I've got a lovely chassis, great shock-absorbers, and magnificent bumpers. What does he mean?"
Her father replied, "You just tell your friend that if he even tries to open the engine to put some oil in, I'll bust open his exhaust pipe!"
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Old Jul 15th 2015, 11:47 am
  #229  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Apologies if this has already been posted, but:

Comment s'appelle un chien qui vend des médicaments ?
Un pharmachien !
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Old Jul 15th 2015, 7:06 pm
  #230  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by mattharrison View Post
Apologies if this has already been posted, but:

Comment s'appelle un chien qui vend des médicaments ?
Un pharmachien !
Especially if it's an Auvergnat!!
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Old Jul 16th 2015, 1:27 pm
  #231  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by mattharrison View Post
Apologies if this has already been posted, but:

Comment s'appelle un chien qui vend des médicaments ?
Un pharmachien !
Now don't say you didn't ask for this.

- Why is Roger the best tennis man?
- Because he made no mistakes.........
Spoiler:
Parce qu'il n'a pas fait d'erreur! (Federer)
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Old Jul 18th 2015, 3:18 pm
  #232  
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Islamic Book Store.

So, I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore... so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a
copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”

The clerk said, "F... off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one.
Do you have it in
paperback?”
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Old Jul 22nd 2015, 9:03 am
  #233  
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Somerset Maugham once said that the vital ingredients of a good short story were: Religion, Royalty, Sex and Mystery. Here is the world champion short story:

'Christ,' said the Princess, 'I'm pregnant, who done it?'
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Old Jul 26th 2015, 9:35 am
  #234  
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Coluche once said:-
"When the Japanese started making bicycles, Manufrance-St Etienne closed down. They then started making cars and Renault laid off thousands. If one day the Japanese start making camembert and red wine - France will close down!"

He also said:'
"The best medicine for a cough is a good dose of laxative. After taking it you wouldn't for the life of you dare to cough!"

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Old Jul 26th 2015, 9:43 am
  #235  
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Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse downs his glass in one gulp, and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times!"
The second mouse downs his glass in one gulp and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it!"
The third mouse downs his glass in one gulp, orders another, does the same, then gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm just going home to f*** the cat."
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Old Jul 26th 2015, 10:41 am
  #236  
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A plane crashes on a desert island, the only survivors are the captain, the co-pilot and an air hostess.

They quickly get to work making a shelter, gathering wood for a fire, catching fish etc etc.

After a few days the sexual necessities require a resolution:-

Captain: How about suggesting we take turns?
Co-pilot: Every other day?
Captain: Sounds good to me, let's see what I can arrange.

The captain present the dilemma to the air hostess who has necessities of her own and quickly agrees.

Days, weeks, months slip by. The arrangement works well until a year later the air hostess suddenly dies and the two men once again become desperate.

Captain: I've been thinking. I don't know about you, I've never tried it before but I think it might be OK and I'm prepared to give it a go.
Co-pilot: Well, I've never done it either but honestly I'm so desperate I would do anything. Shall we give it a try and see how it goes?

A month slips by.

Co-pilot: I'm sorry but I'm not really enjoying this anymore.
Captain: I know what you mean....
Spoiler:

Shall we bury her?
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Old Jul 26th 2015, 1:24 pm
  #237  
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Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. .. Why would they torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"
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Old Jul 26th 2015, 1:28 pm
  #238  
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Did you hear about the redneck who won the Tour De France?
He went straight out afterwards to do a lap of honour!
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Old Mar 6th 2016, 8:19 am
  #239  
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A couple went to see a sexologist, they apparently had a problem, and asked the doctor if he could watch them having sex.
He answered it wasn't something he would normally do, but reluctantly agreed.
After the couple had completed their act, the doctor said, "Well, there's no problem whatsoever in the way you make love." And asked for his 50€ consultation fee.
The same thing happened for 3 weeks in a row.
Finally the sexologist asked the couple, "Tell me, what are you trying to find out exactly?"
The man replied, "Well nothing in particular. Except Nicole you see, is married. So we obviously can't take the risk of having sex at her place. I'm married too, so we can't risk going back to my place either. If we go to a hotel, it will be a minimum of 100€. Whilst here, it only costs me 50€, and I'm reimbursed 20€ of that by my Mutuelle!"

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Old Mar 6th 2016, 9:12 am
  #240  
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As told to me.......

A French woman goes to the police to report that she'd been raped.
"Can you describe the person who attacked you?"
"Well it was dark, so it's difficult to describe him, but I can definitely say that it was an Englishman!"
"What leads you to say that?"
"Well, it was me who did all the work!"
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