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Old Nov 26th 2014, 11:38 pm
  #196  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Could a passing Supermoderator please change the thread title to "Good jokes..." or similar, please?
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Old Nov 27th 2014, 6:26 am
  #197  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Not sure if this is a good joke or a bad joke, but a joke it certainly is:-

There was once was a good man, who finding his people hungry and wanting to feed them, shared his disciple's 5 loaves and 2 fishes with them.



Only a miracle is going to make this work!
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Old Dec 3rd 2014, 3:47 pm
  #198  
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Secret identity of French Finance Minister

Nobody knows this but the French Finance Minister is actually none other than retired BBC commentator Murray Walker - you'd think someone would have guessed this from all the gaffs he has made.

If you don't believe it here is Murray Walker:-

Is this Michel Sapin? : British Expat Photo Gallery

and here is Michel Sapin:-

Or is this Michel Sapin? : British Expat Photo Gallery

Or is it the other way round?

Any how they both say the same things:-

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
Somebody said once 'Follow the money' and that is what it is all about.
I can't believe what's happening visually, in front of my eyes.
That's history. I say history because it happened in the past.
And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
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Old Dec 6th 2014, 10:29 am
  #199  
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Authoritative view on why Yorkshire is better than Lancashire:-

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Old Dec 6th 2014, 8:19 pm
  #200  
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A smile for the weekend.

A husband and wife decide to make up a password for sex, and they decide on ‘washing machine’.
Later in bed that night the husband whispers, “Washing machine.”
His wife replies, “Not tonight darling, I have a headache.”
Half an hour later she feels guilty, and whispers to her husband, “Washing machine.”
The husband - by this time really pissed off, replies, “Too late. It was only a small load, so I decided to do it by hand!"
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Old Dec 6th 2014, 8:32 pm
  #201  
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And there's more.....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second mum. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little twin boy and girl by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, come on Fanny, I think it's time we left!”
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Old Dec 31st 2014, 2:29 pm
  #202  
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I went to this Christmas party and the host invited us to join him in a toast: raising his glass, he said 'I can just imagine my old dad looking down on us now'. When I got him alone I asked him how long ago it was his dad passed away. 'Oh, no, he ain't dead, he's just such a condescending bastard.'
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Old Feb 5th 2015, 5:30 pm
  #203  
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A farmhouse wife somewhere in France called the phone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, but on the few rare occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog - or senile old lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down the pole, the repairman found:
- The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
- The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
- The dog was receiving a shot of volts from the signalling current when the number was called.
- After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
- The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which just goes to show that when you get a problem with your telephone line in France, some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Just thought you'd like to know.......
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Old Feb 5th 2015, 6:16 pm
  #204  
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Explanation of the Greek bailout

Demetrius Syriopoulos
Explanation of the Greek Bailout !!!

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village . The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works
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Old Feb 5th 2015, 9:10 pm
  #205  
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Clever!
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Old Feb 6th 2015, 7:56 pm
  #206  
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The village didn't need the German's money, they could just have agreed they all owed each other €100 and written it off. However, not being very bright, they probably needed the German to point this out to them. But to solve this problem the German would have lent them each €100, charged interest, insisted on regular repayments and popped in every month to check on progress. Eventually he'd have had an unhappy village and Tsipras to deal with.
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Old Feb 8th 2015, 7:26 am
  #207  
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Scientist efforts to understand chimps have been dealt a major blow:-

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Old Feb 8th 2015, 10:25 am
  #208  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by InVinoVeritas View Post
Scientist efforts to understand chimps have been dealt a major blow:-
And if that wasn't bad enough, the chimps have since spread Scottish passions across to the larger primates......
Spoiler:


Note:- I added the smiley just to prevent being sent a threatening, bloody, sgian-dubh through the post........
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Old Feb 8th 2015, 3:44 pm
  #209  
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Do you have the audio that goes with this TP?
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Old May 8th 2015, 10:48 am
  #210  
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Who would be a vet?

It was around midnight when I heard some yelping outside our house...it was a couple of dogs stuck together, but they now faced back to back. The old method of spraying with water didn't work so I called the vet's emergency number.

He said I should hang up, put my phone ringer on high and get close to the animals.

I asked "And what then?" He said that he'd call me back and the ringer would shock them and they would immediately separate.

I said..."You're a vet and that's your best advice...what makes you think that'll work?"

He answered "Well, it just ***ing worked for me!!!"
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