bad jokes...

Old May 12th 2014, 6:50 pm
  #166  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

After a young man had grown up, one evening he and his father were sat watching TV. During a pause in the program, the father remarked,
"Son, every time I gave you a whipping years ago when you were bad, you would go into the bathroom and spend about 30 minutes, scrubbing the toilet. You got it spotlessly clean, and I could never figure out why you did that".
Without taking his eyes off the TV, the young man replied,
"I was just getting even with you, for whipping me".
The father was startled and replied, "How? By cleaning the toilet?"
"No", the son answered, "By scrubbing it with YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!".
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Old May 17th 2014, 10:54 am
  #167  
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A train for Alex Salmond:

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" a consultant told the official, “but they are mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a party leader," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.
"That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

“Couldn't we rename it?" asked the official.
"I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered," said the consultant.

"That's excellent", said the official, "So that's settled then...let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

"Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."
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Old May 26th 2014, 9:44 am
  #168  
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On a currently topical subject, I always suspected that my neighbour was anti-Europe. On noticing yesterday that he had a boil on the back of his neck, now I'm convinced he's a Euroseptic.......
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 6:04 am
  #169  
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Here's a golden-oldie (with a French flavour) that I heard at our sports club over the weekend.

An Englishman residing in France, went into the local hospital and said to the receptionist (with an accent), " Bonjour, je voudwai me faire, um.... um,....stewiliser".
(Good morning, I'd like to be sterilized).
The receptionist calls a doctor who explains to the man that he's surprised at the request because it's a rather delicate procedure. To which the man replied, " Ca me fait rwian, je voudwai me faire stewiliser" (I don't care, I want it done).
The Englishman is asked to sign the formalities, and is booked into the hospital, and the next day the operation is performed.
He is eventually discharged, and on the way out he meets a French friend who greets him saying, "Alors Bob! Ca y est, tu t'es fait vacciner?" (Hi Bob, that's it? Have you had your vaccination?)
Bob replies, "Ah merde! Vacciner! C'est ca le mot que je cherchais!"
Spoiler:
(Oh sh*t. Vacciner! That's the word I was looking for........)
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 10:55 am
  #170  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe View Post
Here's a golden-oldie (with a French flavour) that I heard at our sports club over the weekend.

An Englishman residing in France, went into the local hospital and said to the receptionist (with an accent), " Bonjour, je voudwai me faire, um.... um,....stewiliser".
(Good morning, I'd like to be sterilized).
The receptionist calls a doctor who explains to the man that he's surprised at the request because it's a rather delicate procedure. To which the man replied, " Ca me fait rwian, je voudwai me faire stewiliser" (I don't care, I want it done).
The Englishman is asked to sign the formalities, and is booked into the hospital, and the next day the operation is performed.
He is eventually discharged, and on the way out he meets a French friend who greets him saying, "Alors Bob! Ca y est, tu t'es fait vacciner?" (Hi Bob, that's it? Have you had your vaccination?)
Bob replies, "Ah merde! Vacciner! C'est ca le mot que je cherchais!"
Spoiler:
(Oh sh*t. Vacciner! That's the word I was looking for........)
HA HA like it!!
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 10:56 am
  #171  
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol 'station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are those?, asks the attendant.
'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman.
'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger

'Fook**g Jaysus', says the Irishman, 'them boys at BMW they thinks of everything.'
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Old Aug 11th 2014, 11:54 am
  #172  
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Default Re: bad jokes...

Originally Posted by le plumber View Post
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol 'station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are those?, asks the attendant.
'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman.
'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger

'Fook**g Jaysus', says the Irishman, 'them boys at BMW they thinks of everything.'
Excellent!
Talking of BM's, the other weekend I visited BMW Welt (World) in Munich. Marvellous place! Well worth a visit.
However didn't see any golf tees for sale in the boutique......
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Old Aug 12th 2014, 8:07 pm
  #173  
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Another fairly old one:

Sorry, but we are British

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f-----g tie.”
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Old Aug 18th 2014, 9:10 pm
  #174  
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I have a major problem counting in French, I'm OK so far,, but it always goes wrong..
Un, deux. trois. quatre, cinc, six, sept.. ohh no.. sorry.. It's just that I have a huit allergy..
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Old Sep 10th 2014, 10:37 am
  #175  
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Originally Posted by le plumber View Post
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol 'station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are those?, asks the attendant.
'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman.
'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger

'Fook**g Jaysus', says the Irishman, 'them boys at BMW they thinks of everything.'
At the risk of doing this joke to death, I was reminded on my favourite watch forum a slightly franglais version that I enjoyed, and thought it might be worth sharing as it's particularly well written.
HERE
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Old Sep 12th 2014, 6:36 pm
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Originally Posted by Tweedpipe View Post
At the risk of doing this joke to death, I was reminded on my favourite watch forum a slightly franglais version that I enjoyed, and thought it might be worth sharing as it's particularly well written.
At the risk of being chastised for going off-topic, here is Wikipedia's entry for Franglais, for those who aren't familiar with the word: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franglais I used to read Miles Kingston's columns with enormous pleasure.
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Old Sep 12th 2014, 10:50 pm
  #177  
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Originally Posted by Gordon Barlow View Post
At the risk of being chastised for going off-topic, here is Wikipedia's entry for Franglais, for those who aren't familiar with the word: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franglais I used to read Miles Kingston's columns with enormous pleasure.
I have some sympathy with this. English is my native tongue but 20 years ago I became effectively bilingual in German. This was A GOOD THING.

But when I was trying to speak french (which I learned before German) for many years after that I very often came out with excruciating sentences with several german words and worse, german sentence structure.

"Je veux zum Supermarkt aller". etc.

I'm over it now, and, astonishingly, can still speak rather good Allemand. oops.
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Old Sep 13th 2014, 12:18 am
  #178  
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During my first visit to France, apologising for my bad French I once said "Ma francaise c'est mal". And got out alive, though I think a couple of Frenchmen died laughing.
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Old Sep 13th 2014, 6:29 pm
  #179  
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Originally Posted by Gordon Barlow View Post
During my first visit to France, apologising for my bad French I once said "Ma francaise c'est mal". And got out alive, though I think a couple of Frenchmen died laughing.
Nice one.

I recall years ago introducing a male work colleague to my French mother in law, one particularly balmy summer's day. He shook her hand, and she politely asked him, "Comment allez vous?"
He replied, "Bien, merci. Je suis tres chaud" (I'm hot stuff), instead of J'ai tres chaud. We all nearly wet ourselves!
Together with my wife, we never let him forget that particular gaffe.
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Old Oct 5th 2014, 9:10 am
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Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door.
She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds, "The blind man."
After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in."
The man enters and exclaims, "Hmm, nice arse Reverend Mother! Now, where do you want me to hang the blind?"
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