Tweedpipe

With so many folks confined indoors with little to do, perhaps it's time for a few more jokes.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and occasionally a 50euro note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a gendarme stopped her, and said, "Madame, there are 50euro notes falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Merde!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Merci, monsieur l'agent"
"Well, now, not so fast," said the gendarme. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course in Seilh, near Toulouse. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me. Kills off all the flowers, you know! Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some chap sticks his 'chose' through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Alors, give me 50euros or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the gendarme, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Put it this way......." said the little old lady, "Not everybody pays!"

dmu

thank you, that's made my day!!

Tweedpipe

A lady goes to the dentist, with a rather strange look about her. As soon as she’s shown into the dentist’s chair, she immediately slips off her skirt and panties. The dentist, taken back in amazement, says, “Madame I think you’ve got the wrong specialist, you're at the dentist”
The lady replies, “I’m perfectly aware of that. And I’m also perfectly aware that it was you who fitted my husband’s denture. Now FIND IT!

KJMW

A Farmer, in desperate need of a tractor, as his own tractor had broken down, wants to borrow one from his neighbour. In the past the two have had many arguments and actually hate each other but he has no choice; he has to ask him. He sets off across the wet and muddy field to his neighbours house to ask him this favour. Along the way he falls into a ditch, cutting his leg; gets soaking wet and cold; mud up to his eyeballs and all the while saying to himself "the bastard will only say no anyway" He has no choice though and continues struggling to get to his neighbours house whilst all the time saying to himself it will be in vain!
Finally he arrives at his neighbours house and knocks on the door. His neighbour opens the door to be confronted by a dirty and cold farmer who blurts out at him. "You can stick your ****ing tractor up your arse"!!!!

cyrian

Hundred year old lady

cyrian

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

BuckinghamshireBoy

BuckinghamshireBoy

dmu

LOL
(OH used to say Hippie qui se masse)

Tweedpipe

If you dont like groan-worthy jokes read no further.

Otherwise:-





BuckinghamshireBoy

That is genuinely groanworthy.

Tweedpipe

N'est-ce-pas! Probably worthy of me getting a

Rosemary

You are only asking for a ban now because you are no longer locked down.

Made me laugh so sorry to say that you are not having your wish granted.

Rosemary

Tweedpipe

You're so sweet. Thanks!

Now in an attempt to make amends........

Toto is in school and the mistress asks the children, "If any of you feel you are stupid, please stand up!"
Nobody moves. But after about a minute Toto stands up.
So the teacher asks, "Toto, so you think you're stupid?"
Toto answers confidently, "No Miss, but it was painful to see you standing up there alone!"

cyrian