Tweedpipe

Two cannibals were sat down at a meal.
One turned to the other and said, "Do you know, I just can't stand my mother-in-law!"
The other replied, "Oh dear, well just try a few of the carrots instead."

Blackladder

I s'pose this has to go here, since I don't know where else to post this TRUE story. Went into Leroy Merlin yesterday in Angouleme and had to use the mens before going into the shop. I was using the hot air drier (like the Dyson airblade efforts but French-made) and noticed the name on the top of the machine: willy-willy (yes, it's true!)

Tweedpipe

Go on, now give us the punch line.
You put it to the test for a blow-dry!

cyrian

This is funny.
How to calm the nerves for reluctant fliers pre-takeoff:
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/emb...0&start=0&end=

Blackladder

brilliant!

Blackladder

Tweedie I'm too prudish to answer that...

InVinoVeritas

Love it!

InVinoVeritas

Reminds me of a friend who travelled to Japan and noticed lots men going up to a machine in the toilets, undoing their fly, putting in a coin, waiting a minute or two and then leaving with a happy smile on their face.

He decided he would have go, put his todger in the machine, put in a coin and then went through two minutes of agony before withdrawing and finding a bright blue button sewn on the end.

Chatter Static

Tweedpipe

I think that may be hard to beat IVV, but I'll take up the challenge.

This is a joke I heard in French over the weekend at the shooting club - I'll attempt to put it into English whilst it's still quite fresh in my mind. And for those who may be easily offended, don't read any further........

A group of seniors from the old-folks home were on an organized coach tour.
After about an hours traveling, the driver pulled into a service area for the madatory pipi-stop. Whilst everyone was getting off the coach, one little old lady whispered into the driver's ear, "Driver, I think I've been victim of a sexual aggression a few miles back."
The driver, without wanting to question the lady's word, promised that he would keep an eye open, so that nothing similar would occur again.
A little later on when the coach stopped again for lunch, another little old lady went up to the driver and said in an agitated voice, "I've been the victim of a sexual aggression."
This time the driver began to take these allegations seriously, and when everyone had descended, he walked slowly and carefully towards the rear of the coach, looking for any tell-tale signs of perversion.
Suddenly he came upon a bald-headed, little old man rummaging about on all fours between the seats.
The driver, quick to react, pulled the man up by the back of his jacket and said, "Well my dear man, and what d'you think you're up to?"
The man looked at him, and replied, "Well, you see I've lost my hairpiece, and I'm looking for it. Twice I thought I'd found it, but both times it had a parting in the middle, whereby mine has a parting on the side!"

InVinoVeritas

Ooh la la, I like it!

cyrian

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0, Out With The Lads 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?


Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2, and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above applications can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash! In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Tweedpipe

A woman enrolls in nursing school and attends an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her arsehole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids....."

InVinoVeritas

cyrian

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Segolene Royal.
That evening, the man brought Segolene to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Segolene and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Segolene batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?

He said, 'Would you take the dog for a walk.'