Tweedpipe

A 5 year old boy ran up to his grandad and excitedly asked, "Grandad grandad, can you croak like a frog?"
"No I'm afraid I can't", the old man replied.
A few minutes later, his granddaughter ran up and asked him the same question. "No, I can't! But why are you both asking me this?"
The granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Mum said that as soon as you croak, we can all go to Disneyland."

le plumber

I like it

I suppose for our french friends the joke could be translated into meuh (meurt) like a cow

Tweedpipe

An elderly couple have finally learnt how to send texts on their smartphones.
The wife (who's a real romantic at heart) sends a text to her husband whilst he's out. It reads:
'I love you. If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are crying, send me your tears.'
The husband texts back:-
'I'm on the toilet. Please advise!'

Novocastrian

Tweedpipe

Adjective joke. (With my profound apologies to Blackladder)!

The teacher was giving the young ones an English lesson, and explaining about adjectives.
Pointing at one little girl she said, "Mary, please give me a sentence with the word 'charming' in it."
Mary thought for a second and said, "Yesterday my sister was wearing a charming dress".
"Very good!" said the teacher, and turning towards the class she
asked, "Can anyone please give me a sentence with the word 'charming' in it, used twice."
Little Johnnie scratched his head in deep thought, and suddenly his hand shot up.
"Miss, miss! This morning, my big sister came down to breakfast and announced she was pregnant. And our Dad said, 'Well that's charming, bl**dy charming!!'"

le plumber

brilliant, love it

Tweedpipe

My pal was surprised to see me wearing tights and frilly knickers whilst changing recently at the pool. 'Eh, how long have you been wearing that sort of kinky gear?' my pal asked.
'Oh these?' I replied, 'Ever since my wife found them on the back seat of the car!'

Tweedpipe

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a slap-up meal for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table - naked. The wife agreed.
Later that night at the table the wife said, “Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”
The husband replied, “That’s not surprising, because you've got them in your soup!”

Tweedpipe

Question: What does the current Pope and President of France have in common?

Answer:
They are both named Francois.
Neither are married, and........
Both believe in miracles!

Tweedpipe

Just made this rough translation from a joke I heard today.

A school teacher told her students, "Children, this afternoon Mr. F.Hollande is coming to visit our school. It's a great honor, so it would be nice if everyone prepared a little gift or little speech for our President."
After a few moments thought Mary said, "I ​​will make him a beautiful drawing."
Little Pierre looked up and said, "I'll ask my mum to make a nice cake!"
After a long pause Toto said, " And I will tell him that my cat had six little socialist kittens."
"That sounds wonderful children!" exclaimed the teacher.

That afternoon, the President arrived and the children presented the drawing, and the cake. After which, Toto came forward and said, "Mr President, my cat had two small socialist kittens!"
F. Holland smiled and congratulated Toto.
After the president 's departure, the teacher turns to Toto and said, "Toto I don't understand why you told the President that you had two kittens. This morning you spoke of six socialist kittens!"
Toto replied, "Bin... oui Madame, mais c'est qu'entre temps il y en a quatre qui ont ouvert les yeux!"
("Yes Miss, but in the meantime there were four who opened their eyes!")

Blackladder

Why hasn't somebody come up with this one:

In the Pistorius trial, his best defence must surely be to say:
Well, Mylady, I had been drinking pretty hard that night and was totally legless.'

InVinoVeritas

For those with decent French cos it doesn't translate:-

Avec quoi ramasse-t-on la papaye ? ... Avec une foufourche !

Makes the kids cry with laughter.

(Think stutter and straw)

Tweedpipe

Then your kids will probably like these. (In Franglais to add interest with a difference):

i) Little Johnny comes home from school. "Dad, dad, I was the only one in the class to answer a question today!"
"What was the question?"
"C'était, 'Qui a posé une punaise sur ma chaise!'"

ii) A camel said to a dromedary, "How's it going?"
"Bien, je bosse, et toi?
"Eh ben, Je bosse, je bosse!"

iii) A lady worm met one of her friends, who said, "You look depressed, where's your husband, isn't he with you?
To which she replied, "Non, il est à la pêche..."

iv) The teacher says to the kids, "I've just marked your maths homework which was about the volume of water from a leaking tap. Toto, you didn't give an answer, except for a telephone number. Why?"
Toto replied, "C'est celui de mon père, m'sieur, il est plombier..."


And one of my favourites from Coluche:
Catastrophe maritime - un bateau chargé de Yo-Yo a coulé......quarante-sept fois.


And finally, for those with fairly advanced French (who know their slang), another Colouche special. NOT to be shown or told to the kids!

Chris.J

What does the cheese say when it looks in the mirror?

Hal-oooo-mee

dmu

No smiley for Groan...
(Had to google to understand the joke!)