Tweedpipe

An elderly couple were watching an evangelical show on tv and the preacher said “For those viewers who want to be healed, place one hand on the tv, and the other hand on the part of the body body that needs to be healed”.
The old lady got up and slowly hobbled to the tv, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was the source of pain.
The old man then got up, moved to the tv, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "You just don't get it, do you! The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"

le plumber

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Blackladder

Forget whether we've had this one:

Angela Merkel arrives at de Gaulle Aiport.
The immigration officer asks her

'Your name please Madame?'

'Angela Merkel'

'Occupation?'

'Oh, no, just a weekend stay.'

cyrian

Check out this thread in the Lounge http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=766240

Tweedpipe

Here's kicking off with the first joke for 2013.

An old chap goes to his doctor for his medical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, "99". The old chap obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, "99". Again, the old boy says, "99".
The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis just to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, "99". The old chap begins,
"One...two…three…"

Tweedpipe

Marriage Humour.

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing"
Wife: "What d'you mean nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour!"
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Blackladder

Yank arrives at Charles de Gaulle and takes a taxi into town. On the way they pass Sacré Coeur. 'Gee, what's that? asks the yank. Taxi driver answers 'That, m'sieu, is the Sacré Coeur, it took over 300 years to build.' 'Shucks, we coulda built that in three days.'
After a while, they pass the Eiffel Tower. 'Wow, what's that?' asks the yank. 'Don't know m'sieu, it wasn't there this morning.'

Tweedpipe

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up
to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy
some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he exclaimed, "My God! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! No way can I let you have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Ah! You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

Chatter Static

wetwang

My next door neighbour leant over the fence and was eying up my brand new Lawn mower. "Any chance of using your mower Pal" ? he asked. I said "Certainly anytime as long as you don't take it out of my garden"

Tweedpipe

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics.
He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came, and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam.
John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly re-assembling the engine. Then I gave you an additional 50% for having performed all of the work through the exhaust pipe!"

Novocastrian

Thank you for the belly laugh.

Tweedpipe

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby".
He takes off his trousers and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!"
The body builder repeats, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby".
He then removes his underwear........ and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

Tweedpipe

Here's a golden oldie.

An Irish nun went to the Mother Superior and declared she was pregnant.
Mother Superior was horrified. “Who is the father?” she asked, stony-faced. “It’s a Saint, holy Mother, so I guess it’s all right,” said the nun.
“Show me this Saint,” demanded the Mother.
The nun led her outside the abbey and pointed to Michael the gardener. “That's him there,” she said.
“Why do you think he’s a Saint?” a surprised Mother Superior asked.
“Well, Holy Mother, because he showed me his underwear. And he had his name embroidered on the inside of his underpants!”

dmu