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Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Old Mar 19th 2008, 3:41 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Originally Posted by melissajean View Post
Now that's not fair. He's not holding anything back. He wanted to come here, but I insisted on coming there because I would like to have seen your country. You can't help who you love and if it takes 20 years for me to be with him, then that's just the way it has to be. Look I am not an idiot, I'm 27, I've had an incredibly rough life. Inconceivably rough. I have been married and divorced. I am not easly deceived. I can see right through people. Just because I was not familiar with these screwy laws, that when you think about it are put in place by morons, doesn't mean that I should give up. If I wanted a man over here, I would have one. But that's just not the way it works, now is it? I've been there, done that. I settled. And I'll be damned if I ever do it again. It may be a 'silly' story to you, but it's the truth. Obviously you have no clue as to what love means or is or what lengths you would go to or what you're capable of when you care about someone. You know what's funny about all of this...my family, from generations ago, are from England/Ireland. Yet I cannot travel freely and it's all because some facist idiots decide they don't like the world the way it is. These laws are ridiculous! What you have to go through to be with someone is insane, but I know that no matter the time, this will be worth it. I know I will never find what I have with him, with someone else. And I won't let you, Lionheart, or anyone else sway my opinion. I'm sorry to you other people for ranting for a moment, but I am not going to have that defeatist attitude anymore. I thank you guys for your help. Now I am going to stick around here and get things going and try to figure out where to begin. Thanks again. Yeah Snowbunny, I know about the Brits being blunt, I get that from my b/f alot lol. I know most of the time they mean no harm though, just trying to help.

Edited 2 say: What I mean by screwy laws is that they don't protect as much as they were set in place to protect. You still have illegal immigrants just like we do, you still have criminals getting into the country like we do in the US. These laws were set in place to protect us, but they don't really. I mean, sure, they catch the occasional immigrant. Think about it though, they'd be more clever if they were trying to beat the system. It just hinders people like me and you guys.
Get over it.
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 3:45 pm
  #17  
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Originally Posted by Sally Redux View Post
Get over it.
good motherly advice...love it
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 4:02 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Oh okay, so now I'm just going to have you gang up on me. Thanks, great....
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 5:43 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Originally Posted by melissajean View Post
Oh okay, so now I'm just going to have you gang up on me. Thanks, great....
OK, so you've got 7 posts in railing about the unfairness of it all. I can see how you made your error, but it was still a big error. You simply can't move country by 'just showing up to see how it goes' anymore.

The UK officer did exactly what he was supposed to and you are where you are.
The question now is: what outcome would you like NOW?

Since you have not yet met in person, it is too premature to talk about marriage. You note yourself that you aren't sure what it would be like in real life. Basically, some in-person visit time is in order, without the expectation of not parting at the end of the visit.

But you need to articulate what it is exactly you would like to have happen.
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 6:38 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Here is what I want. I want to be with him provided that we are just as compatible now as we have been. If we get along, one day possibly get married. I would like to live with him and I don't want to be some drain on society and would work. If I can't go there and live with him, he is prepared to move over here. I know it isn't just that easy. And I wish I would've thought first before I went. But I didn't. I'm worried now that even if I try to visit him, because of being refused entry before, they would not let me in even to visit. I would like to go there for about 3 weeks at least. The reason I am so irritated at immigration was because there was a guy from the US in there with me. He basically had the same problem as me. No visa, visiting girlfriend, no return ticket, etc. He was let in. I am not going to say who he was, but lets put it this way, he is famous. He is famous in the UK and in the US. The security people even said they knew who he was,asked if he was this person. Went he was put through, he even said something to me, he said he was sorry. I had no GBP all I had was USD and he gave me 5 quid to buy a phone card with. I mean, maybe I just told the truth and that's why I wasn't let in. I don't know. But I just tried so hard and was turned away. I know, I know I messed up. Another guy that was in there said 3 people he knew were in front of him and he knew that they had records, but they were still let in. I just don't understand. It doesn't matter now I guess. I just want to be with my b/f. I want to at least be able to visit. And since he said the marriage thing, I don't even know if they'd let me over there. I'm sorry to everyone on here, I just don't know what to do, where to start.
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 6:48 pm
  #21  
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Sorry for that Melissa, I have removed the post but unfortunately you already saw it.

I'm an ex Customs & Excise officer, and I can assure you that what you saw was not heartlesness, just someone trying to to their job. I can bet you the person involved was quite upset out of your view with the situation, I've seen similar things before.

Use the facilities of this forum and the knowledge that people have to steer you through its and hopefully you will have a good conclusion to the matter
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 8:01 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Originally Posted by melissajean View Post
Here is what I want. I want to be with him provided that we are just as compatible now as we have been.
OK, so take it in baby steps. This is step one: Are we compatible in person?
Trust me, as a single woman, you do not go off ANYwhere in the world with your whole bacon relying on you getting along with somebody. ANYbody.

I encourage you to set up your next visit with your own personal safety in mind. I know he's a great guy. I live in the real world though.
(ps--you'll laugh when you hear MY story!)

If we get along, one day possibly get married.
OK, out in the future still--let's get step one done first.

I would like to live with him and I don't want to be some drain on society and would work.
Right. BUT, your understanding of the order things happen in was an error before. People can not simply come to the US and get a work permit, like you thought. It goes the same going that direction. (by the way, for those of you who don't know me, I'm a US citizen living in the US now, married with a UKC who has since naturalized to USC. We met and married in Greece).

Unless you have an employer willing to sponsor you to go over to the UK, or he has an employer willing to sponsor him to the US, you are going to rely on your personal relationship to each other for immigration. That means that you must have a real life relationship to get started. The work is a consequence of where you live, after you have permission to live there.

If I can't go there and live with him, he is prepared to move over here. I know it isn't just that easy. And I wish I would've thought first before I went. But I didn't. I'm worried now that even if I try to visit him, because of being refused entry before, they would not let me in even to visit. I would like to go there for about 3 weeks at least.
You *will* have to do some research before you go there again. Having a finite period of time to visit is good, as is having enough money to support your visit AND a return ticket home that matches your story. You need to know about the different types of visitor entries available, and that you need a visa for getting married there.

The reason I am so irritated at immigration was because there was a guy from the US in there with me. He basically had the same problem as me. No visa, visiting girlfriend, no return ticket, etc. He was let in. I am not going to say who he was, but lets put it this way, he is famous. He is famous in the UK and in the US. The security people even said they knew who he was,asked if he was this person. Went he was put through, he even said something to me, he said he was sorry. I had no GBP all I had was USD and he gave me 5 quid to buy a phone card with. I mean, maybe I just told the truth and that's why I wasn't let in. I don't know. But I just tried so hard and was turned away.
Oh go on, you can tell us! Or private message me; I won't tell a soul!

One key difference with the famous guy vs you could be funds, could be his travel pattern, could be any number of things. It's pretty pointless to compare your own case to any one else's.

You can start checking out the UK immigration website http://www.bia.homeoffice.gov.uk/ and some of the US expat groups like uk-yankee.com for more information on visiting the UK.

You've learned some home truths the hard way, but you'll manage.
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 8:29 pm
  #23  
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

So, all isn't lost for me? Check ur pm's.
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 8:48 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Originally Posted by melissajean View Post
So, all isn't lost for me? Check ur pm's.
Oh no, you're just getting started!

I think a 3 week visit will sound a lot more appealing to a border agent than an open ended 'how long will you give me?' and 'I want to work!' and 'I want to marry one of your citizens!'.
All very innocent in your context, but the kiss of death from their perspective.

You'll be eating Marmite before the year is out, poor thing.

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Old Mar 19th 2008, 9:29 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Now let me ask a question...say I go over there round trip ticket in tow. Do I need a visa for just a visit? Are they still likely to detain me? Should I go back thru Heathrow? And finally do I have to stay in a motel? Can I stay with him or his mom or sister? The reason I am asking is because when I go back over there if I do it right away I will have hardly any money. I left my job when I left to go to Ipswich. So, either I'm going to have to get another job here and work for a while and try to take off, which will be hard. Or find out if I can go soon and get his mom to say she's going to support me until I leave. Now he's supposed to start back work, he's going to see if he can get released from the doctor. I just don't know which route to take. I dunno, if I were them, I would probably wonder about me coming back so fast. Considering I just got booted last Wednesday.
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 9:36 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

You need to give it some time.

The US absolutely will not recognise any sponsor as a hedge against overstay. I imagine the UK is the same. I'd ensure that you have a job to return to and that you only ask for a couple of weeks time -- most Americans with jobs can't take off any longer than that.

I'd also join UK-Yankee.

And.... is he under a doctor's care for a short-term illness, or long-term?

There is no dole (infinitely long unemployment benefits) here nor the NHS ("free" health care) so his standard of living would plummet if he lived here and couldn't work very hard very long without any breaks. I think the two of you have a lot to explore on your own about each other's countries and cultures.
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 9:55 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

He had pancreatitis. He says he's fine now. But he still needs to go to the doctor and make sure. I gave up a job when I left that I worked like 12 hrs a week made $430 week, that's like $36/hr when min wage is $5.15. I won't ever find a job like that again. I'm just gonna have to work my *** off. And so will he. He said he's going to try to come here first, for a 2 wk visit, since I went and lost so much going over there. Priority #1 both of us get to work, #2 save money, #3 visit. He shouldn't have a problem, he's got an electrical engineering degree. Whereas I only grad. from High school. I quit university as you'd call it...so yeah...boo me. I still can't give up...just gotta figure out a way to do things. It's gonna suck but I know it'll be worth it. Gawd, I feel like such a frickin idiot...
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 10:05 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Originally Posted by melissajean View Post
He had pancreatitis. He says he's fine now. But he still needs to go to the doctor and make sure. I gave up a job when I left that I worked like 12 hrs a week made $430 week, that's like $36/hr when min wage is $5.15. I won't ever find a job like that again. I'm just gonna have to work my *** off. And so will he. He said he's going to try to come here first, for a 2 wk visit, since I went and lost so much going over there. Priority #1 both of us get to work, #2 save money, #3 visit. He shouldn't have a problem, he's got an electrical engineering degree. Whereas I only grad. from High school. I quit university as you'd call it...so yeah...boo me. I still can't give up...just gotta figure out a way to do things. It's gonna suck but I know it'll be worth it. Gawd, I feel like such a frickin idiot...
Aww, give yourself a little break.. you're not the first to make this misjudgment.
This new plan, in this post, seems a lot more realistic. I don't think it's a good idea to try another visit so soon.

Like snowbunny, I think it's crucial to get to know each others' culture and country through your own eyes as much as possible. We are truly two countries separated by one language...

Hey, what was this great job you had? And why can't you get it back?
I'm always looking for interesting ideas!
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 10:12 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Originally Posted by melissajean View Post
He shouldn't have a problem, he's got an electrical engineering degree.
What does he do in the UK? Out of curiosity if you don't mind sharing?

You'd probably make more money in the UK with more benefits than you will here.... IF you can find a decent job. And have some place to live. He might earn more here.... or possibly less.... it really, really is different.

Oh -- and here's where the Brits might ask you if your work gig was with Eliot Spitzer. Don't take offense, they truly would be joking.
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Old Mar 19th 2008, 10:42 pm
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Default Re: Absolutely Crushed, someone please help me!

Okay, the thing is, I was living in my exhusbands house. We had been separated for 2 years. My divorced was finalized in Feb. Paul had nothing to do with us splitting up, I only met him a year ago. The house wasn't mine, it was rented, was in ex's name. I left there and was 'moving' in with Paul, then I was sent back. I had no where to go but my brothers house. He lives about an hour or so away from where I did live. I trained a girl I was friends with for my old job. I did account receivable and some other things. It wasn't hard work, I just got lucky. This company that I worked for hired me in as something else, then that particular job was eliminated. They knew how fast I typed, how much I knew about computers, programming etc., they put me with this new position. I didn't have a degree or anything like that though.

Paul did stuff like wiring buildings, boats, argh I can't remember what it's called, when you mess with the boards...anyway he did that too. They pay a ton in the US, he made a little more than I did an hour at the job I was at.

See since he was out of work and I had awesome hours, I got to work 2 hours a day or so, come home, talk to him from when I woke up until I went to bed for about a year. We talked about 15 hours a day...literally. It's not going to be that way anymore. I just wished before I left the UK, I could've just hugged him or something. I just wanted him to come to the glass so I could tell him I loved him face to face. He gets really teary everytime I say that. And he gets kind of frustrated....he says that English guys in general don't cry. He wasn't brought up that way. But I know he cares. I just feel broken hearted. But I got to get my s*** together so we can be with each other and stop being so sad.

Edited to say: Eliot Spitzer Ew ew ew ew...did i mention ew...and eek??

Last edited by melissajean; Mar 19th 2008 at 11:03 pm.
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