Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Old Nov 20th 2012, 5:52 pm
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Default Talking your partner into coming back with you?

My story so far is quoted below. I was in a situation where I thought that if my boyfriend and I split up that I would move back to England. Now things are improving, the sad thing is that I actually found myself feeling a little disappointed that things were going so well. After thinking about it for a while I realized it's because right now I really do not want to build my future in America, I want to go home to my family. I'm trying to talk my boyfriend into moving to England with me (which obviously makes the whole process harder).

Does anyone have any stories to share about the decisions you and your partners made about moving back (he's American - forgot to mention)? Any advice?

I moved over here 7 years ago (I'm 29) with my now ex-husband who was in the US Air Force (he cheated on me 6 months after moving out here). I wanted to stick around to make sure the divorce came through, found a job that I loved, then my mum got terminally ill (I went back when I found out). I now feel that after my mum died I stayed in the USA to hide. I have had several different jobs, I am about to get out of school for cosmetology, I have 2 dogs and 2 cats as family, my own car, townhouse and boyfriend that I've been with for two years. But I don't really feel that I belong here.

My relationship with my boyfriend is on the rocks, if we seperate I don't really see any reason to stay here. Both of my parents are dead but the rest of my family mostly live in one small town. My aunt and Grandparents tell me I should come back, but they don't want the animals to come too (which I've also found out would be hugely expensive to transport them). I would be lucky if I can sell my townhouse at no loss to myself, and would have to stay with relatives until I can get myself on my feet. I have a tiny amount of savings and that will get even smaller once it's converted. Everything I've had in the past 7 years has been invested in a life in America, it's hard to think about throwing it away and starting from scratch back in England. My excellent credit that I've been so careful to build will count for nothing back in England.

Financially and materially I would be going back to square one if I moved back to England, and I'm not sure if I'd want to continue to live in my home town either (some bad memories). I feel that if I'm going to move back I need to do it soon, I'm still young enough to build a life from scratch back in England but if I stay I want to have a family soon and then that will really complicate things.

The biggest thing that irritates me about Americans is the arrogance. I've had many people ask me how I got over here, when I tell them I'm no longer with my ex-husband some of them look at me with suspicion like I only married him to get into the country. Get over yourself America, you are not the only country in the world with freedom! Plus your healthcare system sucks! (says someone unable to afford it on her own).
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Old Nov 20th 2012, 6:06 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by KayBay
My story so far is quoted below. I was in a situation where I thought that if my boyfriend and I split up that I would move back to England. Now things are improving, the sad thing is that I actually found myself feeling a little disappointed that things were going so well. After thinking about it for a while I realized it's because right now I really do not want to build my future in America, I want to go home to my family. I'm trying to talk my boyfriend into moving to England with me (which obviously makes the whole process harder).

Does anyone have any stories to share about the decisions you and your partners made about moving back (he's American - forgot to mention)? Any advice?
Hi Kaybay, I so feel for you.... I moved back with my husband and 2 children. We were lucky as we were able to move with my mum for a while (too long really) and then landed good jobs. This all went well but it hasn't been easy at times. He loves the social side to the UK but finds the general standard of living to be low. The weather doesn't help although Autumn has been lovely this year!

I don't think any of us can predict the future regarding going home and the complex feelings it brings. I do know that it is very difficult for partners. Britain is great fun, so if your boyfriend is very social it may work. Also, he may do well in his career here (mine has which has helped immensely).

If he likes pubs, having a great laugh, visiting historical places, fab theatres etc he might love it.

Best of luck in your decision....just make sure it is a joint one. Has he visited the UK before?
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Old Nov 20th 2012, 6:20 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by lilybilly101
I don't think any of us can predict the future regarding going home and the complex feelings it brings. I do know that it is very difficult for partners. Britain is great fun, so if your boyfriend is very social it may work. Also, he may do well in his career here (mine has which has helped immensely).

If he likes pubs, having a great laugh, visiting historical places, fab theatres etc he might love it.

Best of luck in your decision....just make sure it is a joint one. Has he visited the UK before?
His family has Irish roots, he has an aunt and uncle (who aren't speaking to his side of the family) in England and he says that in the past he has thought about moving there (before he even met me). I've tried talking to him about it a bit more recently, he said that he would have to visit England before he could make a decision about moving there, but claims it's too expensive to visit right now.

He has a good paying job here with potential for advancement but it's all 1099 - no healthcare, benefits or anything like that. He's 36 and not in the best of health, drank heavily for 14 years, smokes, has back problems and gout. I know that he would feel as though he's throwing away the years of experience he's built in the industry but with his health the way it is I fear that he will get seriously ill in the future and it will bankrupt us.

He is not very social, but he loves the water. My family all live in a small coastal town. We talk about having a family but I dread the idea of having kids without the support of a family close by. My parents died at age 40 and 46 (9 years apart) and his mother died when he was 16. I want to know that if something were to happen to us our future kids would not be stranded. I want them to grow up knowing family (all his other family except his brother live in different states and aren't close, haven't met them once, never spoken to his dad in 2 years!! He doesn't have a fantastic brother and I wouldn't want to have to rely on him).
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Old Nov 20th 2012, 9:57 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by KayBay
My story so far is quoted below. I was in a situation where I thought that if my boyfriend and I split up that I would move back to England. Now things are improving, the sad thing is that I actually found myself feeling a little disappointed that things were going so well. After thinking about it for a while I realized it's because right now I really do not want to build my future in America, I want to go home to my family. I'm trying to talk my boyfriend into moving to England with me (which obviously makes the whole process harder).

Does anyone have any stories to share about the decisions you and your partners made about moving back (he's American - forgot to mention)? Any advice?
I know my situation is not like yours but FWIW my American wife is very keen to movie to Scotland, at least long enough to get her UK citizenship. In addition it will be much easier to take weekend EasyJet trips to Europe.
Me I'm homesick after 12 years here in California and want to move back also.
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 5:15 am
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

The healthcare situation would terrify me but I would say he definitely needs to come here first. If you don't it will all be on your shoulders if things don't work out for you.

It was a big ask of my husband and our relationship is strong (we have our moments). I'm not sure if we weren't as close as we are that we would have survived it all!! He's not over joyed about being here. He hates the grey (as do I) but there are lots to love as I said. He also loathes the clear class divide......I honestly think if the only thing he gets into is water......he may well hate it.

Blighty offers so much but only if you can see it. You may well need the National Health one day however. What is his line of work?
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 4:08 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by lilybilly101
The healthcare situation would terrify me but I would say he definitely needs to come here first. If you don't it will all be on your shoulders if things don't work out for you.

It was a big ask of my husband and our relationship is strong (we have our moments). I'm not sure if we weren't as close as we are that we would have survived it all!! He's not over joyed about being here. He hates the grey (as do I) but there are lots to love as I said. He also loathes the clear class divide......I honestly think if the only thing he gets into is water......he may well hate it.

Blighty offers so much but only if you can see it. You may well need the National Health one day however. What is his line of work?
He works for a subcontractor of a satellite tv company. The fact that he has thought about moving to England before he met me is encouraging but I know that he doesn't like the idea of throwing away 14 years in the industry and starting over again. There are some things that he doesn't like about America.

I definately feel like he is going to need lots of healthcare in the future because of the way he has treated his body, I worry that it will bankrupt us over here. So the NHS is one big draw, but the other one is my family. We're talking about having children and I don't think I want to raise children on the other side of the world from my remaining family. He doesn't have much family to speak of, it would be different if he did, then I would just try and integrate myself into them. I want my children to have cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents that live close by. The idea of me and him taking on the world together may seem romantic but I want more of a support network when starting a family.

How did you manage to convince your husband to go to England? Do you think that you will end up moving back to the USA? How is the standard of living different?
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 7:06 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

I've been around the block (and back again) a few times with this one.

The bad news is that you cannot 'talk' your SO into it. You can make suggestions, make comparisons, show pictures of green meadows and country pubs until the cows come home, but in the end, they have to find their own way, and make their own mind up. It takes patience, understanding and the realisation that it might not happen and even if it does, it might need reversing.

IME, the more 'convincing' you need to do, the harder it will be, because you're trying to climb a mountain and drag a 'dead weight' with you. It's a recipie for frustration or worse. The good news is that give them their own space, their own time and in time they might surprise you.

Just don't force it, be like the reed in the wind
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 8:28 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by KayBay
He works for a subcontractor of a satellite tv company. The fact that he has thought about moving to England before he met me is encouraging but ...
Is he into ham radio perchance?

A lot of people in the UK in that industry are into ham radio (my ex did ham radio) and making contacts in his industry would greatly increase his chances of getting a suitable job or self-employment partnership.
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 8:54 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Have you thought about the logistics of moving to the UK with your boyfriend?

Just like the US he will need a visa (you say he is a US citizen).

If you have been cohabiting for 2 years plus then you could get a non married partner visa, if not, then how do you intend to get him there?

Whether cohabiting or spouse visa you will need to meet financial minimums to obtain visa for him. YOU have to show you can support him on arrival with no recourse to public funds.

YOU either need to have a job to go to earning not less than 18,600 pounds per annum, or you need savings. No third party support is allowed these days.

The following link provides details as to financial requirements:

http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/si...df?view=Binary
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 8:56 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by Tr1boy
IME, the more 'convincing' you need to do, the harder it will be, because you're trying to climb a mountain and drag a 'dead weight' with you. It's a recipie for frustration or worse. The good news is that give them their own space, their own time and in time they might surprise you.

Just don't force it, be like the reed in the wind
He has said that he can't say for sure until he visits England. I get what you mean about not trying to "convince" him, but I feel like there is a clock ticking. I'll be turning 30 in a couple of months, he just turned 36, we're both talking about marriage and children but I feel like I need to at least visit England soon to know where I should be headed. If he visits and hates it then I know where I stand and would have to make a difficult decision. If he visits and loves it we can start planning, if he's undecided then we'd probably have to make more visits and have more talks. I don't want to have children until we have an idea where we are headed. I don't want to get stuck in America. He's dragging his feet a little, his work takes up a lot of his time and he's talking about the expense. I feel it would be worth even putting the flight on a credit card or dip into my meager savings to pay for us both.


Originally Posted by holly_1948
Is he into ham radio perchance?

A lot of people in the UK in that industry are into ham radio (my ex did ham radio) and making contacts in his industry would greatly increase his chances of getting a suitable job or self-employment partnership.
No, I've never even heard him mention being interested in Ham Radio. The thing is he's spent several years in a management position - he doesn't do the installing himself anymore. As it is he comes home complaining that his body aches all over, or his feet hurt because of gout. I don't think he would be up to a physical job again. I have done a little bit of searching with Sky TV online, or as he sometimes works from home I've been wondering if his work would consider paying him less for work that he could do online - number crunching etc.
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 9:00 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by SanDiegogirl
Have you thought about the logistics of moving to the UK with your boyfriend?

Just like the US he will need a visa (you say he is a US citizen).

If you have been cohabiting for 2 years plus then you could get a non married partner visa, if not, then how do you intend to get him there?

Whether cohabiting or spouse visa you will need to meet financial minimums to obtain visa for him. YOU have to show you can support him on arrival with no recourse to public funds.

YOU either need to have a job to go to earning not less than 18,600 pounds per annum, or you need savings. No third party support is allowed these days.

The following link provides details as to financial requirements:

http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/si...df?view=Binary
Yeah, I've already looked into all that. We have been cohabiting for two years. He has been financially supporting me while I've been in school for the past year. We no where near have enough savings right now, I figure with the exchange rate we're talking about $100,000. One thing that I have been thinking about is both of us saving as much as possible for 1-2 years. Then I could move back to England, find a job - work that for 6 months before we apply for his visa. Although I doubt I would be able to get a job paying the entire amount is should dramatically reduce the amount of savings we would need.

I know that it is highly unlikely that we could move back straight away. But I would like to have some kind of plan.
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 9:20 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

It sounds like you and he should read up about the Surinder Singh process.
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 9:30 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by holly_1948
It sounds like you and he should read up about the Surinder Singh process.
I just googled it and am finding it difficult to pinpoint exactly what part of the immigration process it's talking about. Help?
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 10:00 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by KayBay
I just googled it and am finding it difficult to pinpoint exactly what part of the immigration process it's talking about. Help?
Well, it is no substitute for proper research.
But you mentioned his Irish roots. You both could move together to the Irish republic right away and provided you (not he) then get a job, any job at any pay level, then "after a period of time" (rule of thumb six months) then you can both move to the UK without any need to meet the financial requirements. The paperwork will go much easier once you have paid a little Irish income tax.

But as I say much research is needed, that is just the gist of it. Any EU country works, not just Ireland, but Ireland is English speaking and apparently there are roots.

Last edited by holly_1948; Nov 21st 2012 at 10:07 pm. Reason: Clarifications
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Old Nov 21st 2012, 10:18 pm
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Default Re: Talking your partner into coming back with you?

Originally Posted by holly_1948
Well, it is no substitute for proper research.
But you mentioned his Irish roots. You both could move together to the Irish republic right away and provided you (not he) then get a job, any job at any pay level, then "after a period of time" (rule of thumb six months) then you can both move to the UK without any need to meet the financial requirements. The paperwork will go much easier once you have paid a little Irish income tax.

But as I say much research is needed, that is just the gist of it. Any EU country works, not just Ireland, but Ireland is English speaking and apparently there are roots.
I think the roots are pretty far back there. First step though is finding out whether or not he would be willing to move here. That's my biggest concern right now. Even if we have to spend several years saving and planning I'm ok with that as long as we're both agreed that England is the end destination.
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