hippy chick

Hi,

I'm quite new to BE but I feel that this is the only place to get the answers I need to help me with maybe the biggest dilemma I face in my life. Here goes:

We (me, OH and 2 kids aged 12 & 13) moved to SW Ontario on June 1st this year on a TWP with the view of renewing it and applying for PR asap. However, after not being able to settle at all since I got here, I am now considering going home... My OH has a job that pays poorly, and as we are here on a TWP, he is only allowed to work for the company stated on his visa. I however have an open TWP but after appying for tons of jobs that I would have EASILY got in UK, I have had to accept a position $1 over minimum pay!!!! I am gutted to say the least. This may be because i am on a TWP, or because I am new to Canada... I just dont know but, I find it very very disheartening indeed...

We have our equity from the sale of our UK house in a bank account that JUST pays the rent we have here in Canada. We have worked out it costs us roughly $3000 per month to pay all the bills and rent and food, fuel etc... We don't live a lavish lifestyle here at all and make cut backs wherever we can.

Our kids are sooo in love with being here, they have a totally different life than they had inUK, out with friends all the time, loving life.... We came here for that side of things and its definately here for them no doubt...

Our kids know that if we can't make it work financially, we have no choice but to go back to UK... But its killing me inside for them, because I just can't get on.

In UK my OH had a career that was extreemly safe, great pension, and gave him time at home with us all. I had my own relatively successful business working from home and took off the time I wanted when the kids were off school etc.... In total our combined income was around £60K...

However, we didn't make the most of the life and time we had in the UK and we didn't realise how important our friends and family were until they weren't there anymore.

My OH wants to stay here for at least a year to experience all the seasons. Me, well I would go back now if I could, I find myself sinking deeper into depression and can't see a way out but to return to UK. My OH suggests I go back alone and earn enough money to send back for my family, but I'm not a great believer in living apart... And I would desperately miss them all...

Due to his job here, we don't meet many people that we can befriend, and I have only just had a job offer in so haven't met friends yet... Sometimes we are soooo bored that we end up arguing over stupid things... We go out but usually for walks and stuff.

Anyway, back in the UK, I have been offered a job paying quite well, my OH's job is kept open for a year, a friend has said he has a house we can rent if we want it... This is now drawing me back... But am I making a mistake?

I have thought visiting UK will change my mind but, What if i won't come back here?

I never thought it would be as hard as this EVER... And we are friendly people that talk to anyone, ut still find it hard to adjust here...

Please, don't tell me to "realise why I wanted to leave the UK in the first place", I have thought that over and over again...

And why, if a place seems so perfect, am I so unhappy?

Thankyou for all your forthcoming comments...

xxxx

Danny B

I wouldn't go back after only 4 months. If finances allow, try and stick it out for a year (8 more months) and apply for all the jobs you can in the mean time.

Sorry to hear you are so unhappy, have you thought of relocating to another part of Canada rather than back to the UK?

Lorna_D

I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed, moving to Canada was probably such an adventure for you, now you feel it's not living up to your expectations.

Surely you knew what salary your OH would be earning before you came to Canada?

You write that you have only just accepted a position, I know how you feel, I've just started work in a position that I had 20 years ago, the salary is crap but the place is great and so are the people I work with. Give it a chance, once you start meeting people and making your own friends without relying on your husbands contacts you will feel more settled.

Homesickness happens, it didn't hit me for a least a year but it eventually caught up with me.

Try posting on the returning back to the uk and see what people on there think.

Good luck

Novocastrian

On a TWP?

Judy in Calgary

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time, hippy chick. It's not fun to be poorer than you were before. Besides that, there's the element of missing family and friends, which is very painful.

One thing I would give some weight to, if I were you, is the fact that your children are happy in Canada. I'm not saying that your feelings and your husband's feelings don't count, and only your children's feelings matter. But Í imagine that at least part of your motivation for moving to Canada in the first place was to secure a better life for your children. If they're happy here, then presumably one of your important objectives has been achieved.

Although I am hugely sympathetic towards your position (been there, done that, etc.), I really do think it would be a good idea to give it a go for a bit longer. I would recommend experiencing all the seasons at least once, as your husband has suggested. Better still, I would give it at least two years.

TWPs are pretty grim, from several points of view, but things very likely will improve for your husband once he has PR. And things probably will improve for you too as you gain some of that highly prized "Canadian experience."

There are some members of this forum who have returned to the UK at about the stage that you're at now, who have then regretted their return, and who have turned around and moved to Canada all over again. Being a Ping Pong Pom is a very expensive exercise. That's one of the reasons I suggest giving it more time and being REALLY sure about it if you return to the UK. I just don't think you are equipped to make that decision this early into it.

Another thing that may be very difficult for you to do, but that would help if you could bring yourself to do it, is to reframe some of the messages you're sending yourself. You say you're gutted to have found a job that pays $1 over minimum wage. But I think it's a great accomplishment for you to have found a job at all this soon after you've reached Canada and while you're labouring under the disadvantages of being on a TWP and being new to Canada. I don't feel you're giving yourself enough credit for what you've accomplished. I don't mean the job on its own. I mean the inter-continental move as well.

I don't know if this will feel helpful to you, but I hope it will.
x

loser40

Hello...

I agree with the previous posts.

So, the down side is you aren't earning as much cash - so financially its tough, and you are both a bit lonely which is causing depression and some friction.

The upside - you're kids love it there - this surely must go quite some way to balance out the negatives !

Give it time, you've been there for 16 weeks, SIXTEEN WEEKS !!! - building new friendships and finding a reasonable paying job are going to take some time.

I agree with 'Danny B' . If things continue to seem desperate, consider relocating to another (cheaper?) part of Canada.

I strongly believe you will spend the rest of your life thinking 'what if' if you leave now.

Maybe you can meet the parents of your children's friends - throw a small dinner party/booze fest ?

I personally would persevere for at least 2 years before I even considered returning to the UK - hang in there, get involved in the local community, and watch things drop into place

M.

x

pinkmcfarquhar

Hi,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I know it seems like a long time when you are down, but I do really feel you have to give it a bit longer. We've been here for 10 months now and have had our ups and downs, and at certain times could have easily jumped on a plane and gone home to familiarity. However, I think that for the first year your emotions can be all over the place - moving house and changing job alone are two very stressful events - add to that changing country, leaving family and friends, and it's no wonder things can easily become overwhelming.

I understand about the minimum wage job - you just have to look on at as a way to get out and about, make contacts and enjoy not having the responsibility. After teaching for 10 years and always having work to do at home, I am enjoying the fact of going to work, doing what I have to, then leaving and not having to think about it until I go back to work.

Also, as somebody on here as mentioned before. If it has taken a while to get here (most people have at least a year of paperwork/application/preparation to do), then when you do actually get here it can become a bit of an anticlimax - almost as if your life should now be perfect and day-to-day worries should disappear. Not going to happen I'm afraid. In a lot of ways your life will be very similar - work, housework, bills to pay, school runs, grocery shopping, grass to cut/snow to shovel! etc. It's the other parts that make the difference - the things that made you want to move here, whether it was the adventure, better opportunities for kids, outdoor life and so on.

Apologies for rambling on a bit - hope it makes some kind of sense. Everybody here knows a bit of how you feel as we have all been in the same position. I do think you have to give a bit more time - particularly if your kids are loving it as much as you say.

seanyg

Do you think maybe it's just because you're really homesick and are missing family / friends? I lived in France when I was younger and homesickness always caught up with me eventually, but I worked through it (not easy) and tried to tell myself that for every 1 thing I missed about the UK (stupid stuff like Shreddies cereal and English pubs and Only Fools n Horses!), there were twice as many things I disliked about the UK.

What I'm doing at the moment is compiling an 'anti-homesickness book'. It's basically an A4 hardback book (plain pages) and whenever I see something (i.e. an article) in the papers that p!sses me off about the UK, I stick it in there. It's nearly full already! The idea (hoping it works) is that, whenever I feel homesick and start missing stuff, I'll open it and read about all the things that prompted me to leave the UK.

Not sure if it'll work but it's worth a try - am hoping to pre-empt feeling like you do, as I'm sure it'll happen (apparently you go through 'stages' of homesickness).

Take care anyway - oh and I do agree with the other posters that you should try and stick it out for at least a year (finances allowing, obviously).

Anita

seanyg

P.S. Just found this article on BE about homesickness:-

http://britishexpats.com/articles/mo...home-sickness/

P.P.S. Regarding your finances, I would definitely take any job you can get (assuming you don't need a certain amount to pay childcare costs) - after all, money is money and every little helps, even if it's just enough to make up the shortfall in your rent (if you're struggling) and pay for a day out at the local zoo with your kids one weekend (or, failing that, you could spend it all at Timmie's, hehe ). Plus, whilst you're working your mind will be busy thinking of other things (hopefully work-related!) which will (1) distract you from your worries, and (2) make the time go quicker.

Stuarty

What you are feeling is probably more like panic rather that homesick. The panic is that time is ticking away to the point that your safety net (OH's job held over for 1 year and a job offer for you) will be gone soon.

Two things to add to your decision making:

1. Your OH can change jobs. What happens is that the new employer applies for an LMO in OH's name and a transfer is applied for, it's not that difficult.

2. I have found that immigrants do tend to get a poor starting wage, but when our work ethic starts to shine through the employer sees our worth and they want to keep us. We are the immigrants here and have to show we are worth the wages. Do you know of many Polish temp workers in the UK who started on a high wage?

This might not be fair, particularly when you are qualified, but it is what it is, time will improve things. Our second day in Canada started with my wife losing a $80,000 a year job due to registration changes, not that the qualifications changed, just the registration requirements. She is now the most qualified Physio assistant in the world. She is however getting the top pay scale for an assistant, from a starting point of minimum wage 1 year ago. Not as good as her qualifications should permit but better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

Think about why you came over. That should tell you if you should take advantage of the safety net and head home, or hang in there and give the dream a chance.
Good luck either way, this immigration stuff is bloody hard.
Stuarty

fuschiagirl

Sorry to hear you are unhappy.

In an earlier post you said he was going on an intra-company transfer - surely he knew what the salary and conditions were before he accepted?

As his job in the UK is being held open for a year wouldn't it be worth sticking it out at least until next spring?

dingbat

Trust your instincts. Canada is far from perfect, as as a ping ponger, it did not get any better the second time around for me. Your expectations will not be met if you base them on your experience of the UK. Canada is a beautiful country but it offers nothing that appeals to me, these days.

Sutherlands

Do what is right for you and your husband, the kids will follow and be happier that Mum and Dad are happier.

Yes you moved over here for them but I bet if you asked them they would want you to be happy,

But and a big But you have to give things time, as said by others at least go the year give yourself time to meet new people and see new things. Decide if this is what you are wanting after living and sharing the new life with the family in Canada.

I think the Husbands job being kept open is your down fall, as you have a safety net that a lot of us moving out here didn’t have, I’m sure you would maybe look at things a little differently if that offer was not on the table.

Good luck on what you decide and keep us all posted..

Sutherlands

Twink001

I am so sorry to hear you are very unhappy. Is your husband taking your unhappiness seriously.....seeing as he suggested you go back home alone?

I cannot imagine how you must feel, but I am sure it`s pretty bad? Perhaps you could try getting involved with some charity work, SPCA or likewise, maybe this would help you to make new friends?
I would certainly talk to your OH in depth about your feelings, as depression can creep in very quickly - you don`t want to be that far into depression where your OH has to take time off work to help you, if your finances are dwindling quickly?

Get talking, please don`t "bottle" things up, talk to your kids too, they have a habit of seeing things us adults don`t....

I can`t imagine what I would do in your situation, but after some soul searching, I think you will do what deems best for yourself, your sanity and your family.

Good luck with it all, my heart goes out to you.

Best wishes
Susie

Mrs Miggins

I didn't have the time to read through the other responses but your post made me really think about where I have found myself in the last year......

I, as the others on here will tell you, have had a heck of a 17 months (we came here last June). There have been a couple of days only, where I have truly thought this wasn't working, but there have been a lot where I just haven't been sure, and at one point we were moving back to the UK even though my husband and I deep down didn't want to. I couldn't agree more with the sensible Judy, in as far as you need to give it one calendar year, and that the holiday feel has warn off, and this is it real life. You get good and bad days in Canada and the UK, so take a step back and ask yourself just how much of this is to do with Canada and how much of this is stuff that's unresolved, or stuff that you would be feeling back in the UK. What you said about your kids being settled, counts for a huge amount too, and surely the move back to the UK would be a pretty big deal for them right now, after only just beginning to adjust from the first move.

This summer, I sat in my house (which I really don't like.....lol but that's another story), my parents were in pieces with missing the grandkids, I had no career, was doing a course that I just couldn't see the value in with a husband who worked away for a month at a time, and had just been told that I had to have an op for a breast lump to be removed. I wondered what the hell my new life was all about. My uncle passed away, my mum has been in and out of hospital too, I have been horribly let down by friends and yes, it's been a toughie, but somehow it all changed.

In the last two weeks, I have been told I start work with an excellent job, I have been given an award from the Alberta Child and Youth Care professional body for outstanding dedication, have been to see teachers about the kids, both who are thriving academically and socially, and most importantly was given the all clear for cancer. I have spent one of the nicest weekends of my life with new friends and my fab little family. All of these things with the exception of the all clear, came good because what's ever happened, I have just kept on keeping on, I haven't allowed myself to get low and I have kept volunteering and being an active mum, studying and not taking no for an answer with my career, and I have also learnt to let people in to your life if they are "healthy", and only then.

The point I am trying to make, is everything passes, my mum told me that years ago, and when stuff gets hard, I really try and remember that. Just because things start off hard, it doesn't meant that's how they will stay. And just keep remembering that the first year is full of challenege and hard times, but do you know what, you would have the same stress just in different ways in the UK. Keep being positive, keep looking at how you can improve things, and in time, you will do just that. Keep engaged with your family and watch how they are making it work for them, sometimes we can learn a lot from our kids.

Give yourself a year, take time to enjoy Canada, and go and suck everything dry from your community that you can.........that way you will meet people, and eventually you will feel like you belong. And although I understand finances are a huge strain, but give yourself and your OH the chance to reconnect.....and at least then you will feel more understood and supported by him.

My heart really goes out to you, it sincerely does, but be your number 1 fan, not your own enemy........................lifes there to be made, but you just have to go for it and do just that, and I can promise you from my experiences of the last year, this can be as good or as bad as how you frame it, these may challenges you face, or they may be impossible problems, it's your call on how you view them.

Take the best of care,
an empathetic
Mrs Miggins xx