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When did you tell your rellies and friends?

When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Old May 20th 2006, 7:29 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Originally Posted by 4 of a kind
Wow this thread has got us all tapping the keys! Well we told our rellies at the beginning of our journey, hubbys mum was good, but then again like a few others on here, she lives a good distance from us and we only catch up about 3 wkends a year. My parents were a different matter, mum v tearful, dad very stiff upper lip, but he was v sad. Over time, it became a bit of 'if we don't talk about it - it won't happen' situation, which made it difficult to tell them how things were progressing. Then last year we put our house up for sale just as the market dropped, and so no sale was made, which again seemed to give them false hope. This year everything changed. We had an offer on the house mid March, but thought to keep shtoom till it was more definate, then on 5th April, Dad had a massive heart attack and died.

Its been hell on wheels since. Typically house sale is going ahead full pelt, and hubbys future employer is desperate for us to get there asap. Mum is beside herself. Its all so raw for her, but keeps saying stuff like, her whole life being ripped away from her, and she'd be better off dead.... not good. I've begged her to consider coming over for a long visit once we are settled, but its all just shunned, coupled with helpful comments like, the kids will really miss their friends. Sense tells us that time should ease a lot of this, but boy is it tough. I feel like the biggest cow on the planet, but this family has been waiting for this moment for a long time.. Once things calm down i'll be able to grieve myself, but till then time waits for no man/woman! It looks like we'll be off the first week of July. Not sure that this has helped anyone with their personal decisions, all familys respond differently, I did think it was kinder to keep them all in the loop - but stressful however you handle it.

Hello 4 of a Kind, So sorry to hear about your Dad. We started our process in November 2003 and told everyone what we were planning, my Mum has MS and my Dad was her main carer and one of my brothers only lived 20 mins from them - so yes I felt bad for applying and even considering moving to Canada.... but my Dad had been in the army and we had moved around the world alot. I joked that it was them that gave us the travel bug (I have one brother who has lived here and there for the last few years - and who introduced me and my other half to Canada by marrying a canadian). Anyway Mum and Dad were very positive and behind us all the way - a year before Dad had had a stroke but seemed to be doing OK. We came out in Feb 2004 for a look but had to cut it short as my Dad had been diagnosed with brain cancer and only a short time to live. So a long story short (sort of) in the last two years my Dad died, we got our PR, sold the house, packed up and moved - three children as well!!!!!!!!!!! And now my brother who lived on 20 mins from Mum is now moving to Sweden.............. So thats all of us that no longer live in the UK and Mum is by herself - well she has carers and friends and we talk alot on the phone and she is still 100% behind us..... yes she misses us (me especially as I did alot for her) but as she says shes lived her life and knows we are doing this for a better life for us and the children. I have my up and down days - more ups though as we have a wonderfull house and the kids are just loving it.... we have more family time....... and what an experience we are living! sorry if I have gone on and on..........
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Old May 20th 2006, 7:30 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Originally Posted by 4 of a kind
Wow this thread has got us all tapping the keys! Well we told our rellies at the beginning of our journey, hubbys mum was good, but then again like a few others on here, she lives a good distance from us and we only catch up about 3 wkends a year. My parents were a different matter, mum v tearful, dad very stiff upper lip, but he was v sad. Over time, it became a bit of 'if we don't talk about it - it won't happen' situation, which made it difficult to tell them how things were progressing. Then last year we put our house up for sale just as the market dropped, and so no sale was made, which again seemed to give them false hope. This year everything changed. We had an offer on the house mid March, but thought to keep shtoom till it was more definate, then on 5th April, Dad had a massive heart attack and died.

Its been hell on wheels since. Typically house sale is going ahead full pelt, and hubbys future employer is desperate for us to get there asap. Mum is beside herself. Its all so raw for her, but keeps saying stuff like, her whole life being ripped away from her, and she'd be better off dead.... not good. I've begged her to consider coming over for a long visit once we are settled, but its all just shunned, coupled with helpful comments like, the kids will really miss their friends. Sense tells us that time should ease a lot of this, but boy is it tough. I feel like the biggest cow on the planet, but this family has been waiting for this moment for a long time.. Once things calm down i'll be able to grieve myself, but till then time waits for no man/woman! It looks like we'll be off the first week of July. Not sure that this has helped anyone with their personal decisions, all familys respond differently, I did think it was kinder to keep them all in the loop - but stressful however you handle it.
What an awful thing to cope with. Just as things are getting moving for you. You have my sincerest sympathy. Thank goodness you had let everyone know what was happening in advance, as in your situation it would have been awful to spring this on your mother now.
We told my family we were thinking about it a few years ago, although only got around to applying recently. It's slightly different for us, as we are applying under family class, as my husband is Canadian, and my family kind of figured we would move eventually.
It doesn't make it any easier for the guilt thing though. My dad had a heart attack a few years ago, and is on the very long waiting list for a hip replacement, and my mother (they're no longer together) is also practically crippled from a problem with her spine...also on long NHS waiting list!
I do feel guilty, as I know, even though they all tell me I am doing the right thing, that they are devastated that I am leaving. It worries me that I won't be around to help them out. I don't think my brother will forgive me when he realises that he will be the first port of call for them when problems arise!
The thing is, as much as I love and will miss them, I have to do what is right for my husband and I. And hopefully the guilt will fade a little, and they will manage to get out for long visits, and I will pop back for short ones.
I know I am very fortunate with my family's attitude, but your Mothers reaction is understandable in the circumstances. But you must think about your family's future and new start, as you already know, and whatever happens, they must be your first priority. Maybe an open air ticket placed in your mum's hands when you leave might help, as then she knows she could just jump on a plane to come and see you.
I hope everything goes well for you from here on in, and DO allow yourself time to grieve. You have to be strong for your family, but sometimes they have to be strong for you.
Good Luck
Sally
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Old May 20th 2006, 7:43 pm
  #48  
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Originally Posted by sally h
What an awful thing to cope with. Just as things are getting moving for you. You have my sincerest sympathy. Thank goodness you had let everyone know what was happening in advance, as in your situation it would have been awful to spring this on your mother now.
We told my family we were thinking about it a few years ago, although only got around to applying recently. It's slightly different for us, as we are applying under family class, as my husband is Canadian, and my family kind of figured we would move eventually.
It doesn't make it any easier for the guilt thing though. My dad had a heart attack a few years ago, and is on the very long waiting list for a hip replacement, and my mother (they're no longer together) is also practically crippled from a problem with her spine...also on long NHS waiting list!
I do feel guilty, as I know, even though they all tell me I am doing the right thing, that they are devastated that I am leaving. It worries me that I won't be around to help them out. I don't think my brother will forgive me when he realises that he will be the first port of call for them when problems arise!
The thing is, as much as I love and will miss them, I have to do what is right for my husband and I. And hopefully the guilt will fade a little, and they will manage to get out for long visits, and I will pop back for short ones.
I know I am very fortunate with my family's attitude, but your Mothers reaction is understandable in the circumstances. But you must think about your family's future and new start, as you already know, and whatever happens, they must be your first priority. Maybe an open air ticket placed in your mum's hands when you leave might help, as then she knows she could just jump on a plane to come and see you.
I hope everything goes well for you from here on in, and DO allow yourself time to grieve. You have to be strong for your family, but sometimes they have to be strong for you.
Good Luck
Sally
Thanks for the replies - it does help knowing other people are going through similar things. If we had the rose tinted specs on, i would want to be feeling excited about our impending move but just can't quite get to that emotion just know. One thing this experience has underlined is that Life is short, Life is cruel, and yes we'd better make the most of the time we have. Like you I have a brother a few years younger than me, who although has supported us in the early days, has now become distant and no doubt angry about the situation, as instead of me, he'll be first in line for emergencies. The idea of the open ticket had occurred to me, and i will find out about that, not sure how long an open ticket can be valid for, If i can get one for a year, that would be best as she has already completely ruled out xmas. ho hum...
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Old May 20th 2006, 11:35 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

What an awfull situation for you to be faced with when everything is so very raw,I admire the way that you have managed to stay focused on your move it must be very difficult for you.
I have found it hard to except that it is my life for living,it's only now 18months on that I am starting to get back on track.
It doesn't sound like your mum is making things easy for you either !
vicki
Originally Posted by 4 of a kind
Wow this thread has got us all tapping the keys! Well we told our rellies at the beginning of our journey, hubbys mum was good, but then again like a few others on here, she lives a good distance from us and we only catch up about 3 wkends a year. My parents were a different matter, mum v tearful, dad very stiff upper lip, but he was v sad. Over time, it became a bit of 'if we don't talk about it - it won't happen' situation, which made it difficult to tell them how things were progressing. Then last year we put our house up for sale just as the market dropped, and so no sale was made, which again seemed to give them false hope. This year everything changed. We had an offer on the house mid March, but thought to keep shtoom till it was more definate, then on 5th April, Dad had a massive heart attack and died.

Its been hell on wheels since. Typically house sale is going ahead full pelt, and hubbys future employer is desperate for us to get there asap. Mum is beside herself. Its all so raw for her, but keeps saying stuff like, her whole life being ripped away from her, and she'd be better off dead.... not good. I've begged her to consider coming over for a long visit once we are settled, but its all just shunned, coupled with helpful comments like, the kids will really miss their friends. Sense tells us that time should ease a lot of this, but boy is it tough. I feel like the biggest cow on the planet, but this family has been waiting for this moment for a long time.. Once things calm down i'll be able to grieve myself, but till then time waits for no man/woman! It looks like we'll be off the first week of July. Not sure that this has helped anyone with their personal decisions, all familys respond differently, I did think it was kinder to keep them all in the loop - but stressful however you handle it.
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Old May 21st 2006, 6:04 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Originally Posted by 4 of a kind
it does help knowing other people are going through similar things. One thing this experience has underlined is that Life is short, Life is cruel, and yes we'd better make the most of the time we have.
Too right!!!!!
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Old May 22nd 2006, 3:08 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Hubby and I have told no-one yet and we're just in the process of sending back res fees, updated photos of daughter and updated police checks (when they finally arrive!). Our last letter stated that medical checks request will be sent upon receipt of above info, so I am thinking that, as we're getting nearer I have got to tell my rellies. Didn't tell as my Mum would have worried for the last 2 years and we would have had constant questioning, plus we didn't know if we would get it.

I'm close to my Mum, Dad, sister and nieces, but we have to remember that we have to follow our own dreams as we're not getting any younger and we want to do what we feel is best for our daughter. If we waited until my parents were no longer with us (many years ahead hopefully), the guilt factor would be gone, but we would have gone many years not living the life that was right there for the taking and our daughter will probably have left home by then, living her own life. Plus my sister constantly talks about living in Australia, so she may have done it.

Although we love our families, we as individuals have our own dreams and life is too short to deny them. Surely that is what our parents should want for us?

Still, it's not helping my nerves about telling them - I just hope they support us.

Good luck to y'all
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Old May 22nd 2006, 3:26 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Originally Posted by reddeb32
Hubby and I have told no-one yet and we're just in the process of sending back res fees, updated photos of daughter and updated police checks (when they finally arrive!). Our last letter stated that medical checks request will be sent upon receipt of above info, so I am thinking that, as we're getting nearer I have got to tell my rellies. Didn't tell as my Mum would have worried for the last 2 years and we would have had constant questioning, plus we didn't know if we would get it.

I'm close to my Mum, Dad, sister and nieces, but we have to remember that we have to follow our own dreams as we're not getting any younger and we want to do what we feel is best for our daughter. If we waited until my parents were no longer with us (many years ahead hopefully), the guilt factor would be gone, but we would have gone many years not living the life that was right there for the taking and our daughter will probably have left home by then, living her own life. Plus my sister constantly talks about living in Australia, so she may have done it.

Although we love our families, we as individuals have our own dreams and life is too short to deny them. Surely that is what our parents should want for us?

Still, it's not helping my nerves about telling them - I just hope they support us.

Good luck to y'all
If it's of any interest, when they send the meds request it means that everything else is OK. Provided you're healthy, you're home and dry.
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Old May 22nd 2006, 3:39 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Originally Posted by Souvenir
If it's of any interest, when they send the meds request it means that everything else is OK. Provided you're healthy, you're home and dry.
Nice one - thanx for that. Let's hope they don't detect some obscure illness!!

I suppose I ought to pluck up the courage to tell everyone - on one hand I'm really excited about finally telling people because we feel really proud of it, but scared of certain reactions. That's life, we'll just deal with any fallout. Canada here we come ... hopefully!
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Old May 22nd 2006, 4:25 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Originally Posted by reddeb32
I suppose I ought to pluck up the courage to tell everyone - on one hand I'm really excited about finally telling people because we feel really proud of it, but scared of certain reactions. That's life, we'll just deal with any fallout. Canada here we come ... hopefully!

Thats how I/we are too! Although I would always be the first to tell other people to 'go for it' I suspect that not everyone will see it that way.

Still, you only have one life, and if as a couple you are totally both of the same mind you just have to chase your dream.
We are going to get our medicals done on Thursday, and then we had pretty much decided that we would tell my elderly mother round about the time that we get passport request. Like you, I didn't want her to worry for 2 whole years if that was how long it was going to take to process the application, but it has gone much quicker than we anticipated.
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Old May 22nd 2006, 4:34 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

I can see your point about telling late in the process ...... I just think ours would have had added anger/hurt that we'd planned it all without telling them, to all the other emotions they'd go through.

We felt that telling sooner rather than later gave them a chance to if not get over, then at least work through the angry/hurt response. If you tell them, and they react badly, and then you go .... it could be a bit final. There is no RIGHT answer though, you just have to do what seems best.

Good luck to any who are bracing themselves for the storm..... but hey, you might be pleasantly surprised!
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Old May 22nd 2006, 5:23 pm
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Default Re: When did you tell your rellies and friends?

Originally Posted by Morwenna
I can see your point about telling late in the process ...... I just think ours would have had added anger/hurt that we'd planned it all without telling them, to all the other emotions they'd go through.

We felt that telling sooner rather than later gave them a chance to if not get over, then at least work through the angry/hurt response. If you tell them, and they react badly, and then you go .... it could be a bit final. There is no RIGHT answer though, you just have to do what seems best.
Unfortunately if you tell them right at the beginning and then 2 years later you don't get accepted, they still have that knowledge that you WERE going to abandon them but someone else stopped it. And then they will always know that you are not where you want to be.

Yes it's going to be regarded as 'bad' news anyway, but a consolation that they can visit and get a good holiday.
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