What if you don't agree ?
Nov 16th 2006, 7:26 pm
#31
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2006
Location: Kitchener, Onatrio soon to be Teesside!
Posts: 160
Re: What if you don't agree ?
You will have to talk about it with your husband but he will probably have thought about it as well. It is something that can only be worked out through talking.
My family and I came to Canada a few months before you did and we have talked about it. The way I think about it is this: We did not leave a bad standard of living in the UK. We were happy with work and around friends and family. We wanted to come to Canada because of things like less antisocial behavior and less crime, but in fairness those things never directly effected us back home.
If one of us loved it and the other hated in, then assuming we wanted to stay together as a couple, then the other partner would not want it to be unhappy for the other one. We would do whatever is necessary to be happy together. If that meant going home, then so be it.
We came with the idea of staying a year but we have changed our tune. Not being able to get a job has been a massive strain on everything. It means that we do not socialize with many people, can't meet new people and of course we don't want to be spending a lot of money.
If your husband is now out at work (even though it is in a position that he did not really want) then his days are full, meeting people, busy etc while you are stuck at home being bored like us. My wife and I would have had the same problem if I had got a job and that would probably make it worse for my wife. She would be spending all her time with our daughter and not getting out much. With a harsh winter coming this will only make this matter worse.
I think we have bitten the bullet and decided to go home. Things were a lot less complicated when we applied because our daughter was not born. Having her here has certainly changed our ideas about being round friends and family.
Having looked at prices of all things and working out a monthly budget, I don't think the cost of living is less than at home. If I can't get a half decent job then we are going to be going down our savings and then you think what was the point of coming if we are going to go down our savings and not be able to afford the same standard of living as at home.
My family and I came to Canada a few months before you did and we have talked about it. The way I think about it is this: We did not leave a bad standard of living in the UK. We were happy with work and around friends and family. We wanted to come to Canada because of things like less antisocial behavior and less crime, but in fairness those things never directly effected us back home.
If one of us loved it and the other hated in, then assuming we wanted to stay together as a couple, then the other partner would not want it to be unhappy for the other one. We would do whatever is necessary to be happy together. If that meant going home, then so be it.
We came with the idea of staying a year but we have changed our tune. Not being able to get a job has been a massive strain on everything. It means that we do not socialize with many people, can't meet new people and of course we don't want to be spending a lot of money.
If your husband is now out at work (even though it is in a position that he did not really want) then his days are full, meeting people, busy etc while you are stuck at home being bored like us. My wife and I would have had the same problem if I had got a job and that would probably make it worse for my wife. She would be spending all her time with our daughter and not getting out much. With a harsh winter coming this will only make this matter worse.
I think we have bitten the bullet and decided to go home. Things were a lot less complicated when we applied because our daughter was not born. Having her here has certainly changed our ideas about being round friends and family.
Having looked at prices of all things and working out a monthly budget, I don't think the cost of living is less than at home. If I can't get a half decent job then we are going to be going down our savings and then you think what was the point of coming if we are going to go down our savings and not be able to afford the same standard of living as at home.
Nov 16th 2006, 11:25 pm
#32
Senile Member
Joined: Sep 2006
Location: North of Manchester
Posts: 1,253
Re: What if you don't agree ?
Originally Posted by TheVickers
You will have to talk about it with your husband but he will probably have thought about it as well. It is something that can only be worked out through talking.
My family and I came to Canada a few months before you did and we have talked about it. The way I think about it is this: We did not leave a bad standard of living in the UK. We were happy with work and around friends and family. We wanted to come to Canada because of things like less antisocial behavior and less crime, but in fairness those things never directly effected us back home.
If one of us loved it and the other hated in, then assuming we wanted to stay together as a couple, then the other partner would not want it to be unhappy for the other one. We would do whatever is necessary to be happy together. If that meant going home, then so be it.
We came with the idea of staying a year but we have changed our tune. Not being able to get a job has been a massive strain on everything. It means that we do not socialize with many people, can't meet new people and of course we don't want to be spending a lot of money.
If your husband is now out at work (even though it is in a position that he did not really want) then his days are full, meeting people, busy etc while you are stuck at home being bored like us. My wife and I would have had the same problem if I had got a job and that would probably make it worse for my wife. She would be spending all her time with our daughter and not getting out much. With a harsh winter coming this will only make this matter worse.
I think we have bitten the bullet and decided to go home. Things were a lot less complicated when we applied because our daughter was not born. Having her here has certainly changed our ideas about being round friends and family.
Having looked at prices of all things and working out a monthly budget, I don't think the cost of living is less than at home. If I can't get a half decent job then we are going to be going down our savings and then you think what was the point of coming if we are going to go down our savings and not be able to afford the same standard of living as at home.
My family and I came to Canada a few months before you did and we have talked about it. The way I think about it is this: We did not leave a bad standard of living in the UK. We were happy with work and around friends and family. We wanted to come to Canada because of things like less antisocial behavior and less crime, but in fairness those things never directly effected us back home.
If one of us loved it and the other hated in, then assuming we wanted to stay together as a couple, then the other partner would not want it to be unhappy for the other one. We would do whatever is necessary to be happy together. If that meant going home, then so be it.
We came with the idea of staying a year but we have changed our tune. Not being able to get a job has been a massive strain on everything. It means that we do not socialize with many people, can't meet new people and of course we don't want to be spending a lot of money.
If your husband is now out at work (even though it is in a position that he did not really want) then his days are full, meeting people, busy etc while you are stuck at home being bored like us. My wife and I would have had the same problem if I had got a job and that would probably make it worse for my wife. She would be spending all her time with our daughter and not getting out much. With a harsh winter coming this will only make this matter worse.
I think we have bitten the bullet and decided to go home. Things were a lot less complicated when we applied because our daughter was not born. Having her here has certainly changed our ideas about being round friends and family.
Having looked at prices of all things and working out a monthly budget, I don't think the cost of living is less than at home. If I can't get a half decent job then we are going to be going down our savings and then you think what was the point of coming if we are going to go down our savings and not be able to afford the same standard of living as at home.
Nov 17th 2006, 7:30 am
#33
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2006
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 70
Re: What if you don't agree ?
Wow what a great little thread, very insightful.
It's one of those things that you never think about when planning the move together. Myself and Mrs Orange had been thinking of moving (either PR or WP) for a little over a year. We were gonna do it what ever way was quickest we just wanted to move out of Dublin. We came on holidays last year and loved the placed and I had few interviews lined up. However nothing came out of that and so the ideas were put to the back of heads for a while. I think this was maybe the source of our problem because when I did eventually get an offer, it came totally out of the blue and to be honest it was a bit of a shock. At this stage we had already started looking at other places to move to including Sweden and Iceland and maybe we had gone 'off' on the idea of moving here.
However we were determined not to let a once in a lifetime opportunity pass us by so we decided to move. From interview to actually arriving and starting work was two months! Sometimes I wonder was this bad as it didn't give us enough time to say goodbye to all our relatives and friends personally, but it was probably good as it didn't give us enough time to change our minds!
Having been here nearly five months and still enjoying things as best we can, I think we both have come to different conclusions on whether or not to stay on, and apply for PR or just extend my WP for another couple years and wait and see. Mrs Orange is at home every day, shes on an open WP, but for sanity sake she's taken a break from work for a while and is doing some artistic endeavours. I was always worried that the long days alone at home for her would be a problem however she seems to have coped far better than me since we arrived. Its funny cos I get to see more people a day than she does but I've had numerous bouts of homesickness and some days I just want to jump on plane at YVR and fly all the way home.
Our difference in outlooks has become our pink elephant, but it usually goes away if you talk about it, its just a phobia a fear of the unknown. Its a large chunk of self-doubt, the likes of which you've never had before. I think it can be harder for the breadwinner in the family to admit that they have doubts about the move. I think so anyway. It was my job offer that got us here and I'm supporting the both of us, so even the littlest doubts become amplified even more. All this and only 4 and a bit months!
Some days I rush home from work and want to get started on our PR applications and somedays as I said I just wanna go home to Ireland. Mrs Orange somehow is never affected by this and she just perseveres on even in the face of my doubts!
It's one of those things that you never think about when planning the move together. Myself and Mrs Orange had been thinking of moving (either PR or WP) for a little over a year. We were gonna do it what ever way was quickest we just wanted to move out of Dublin. We came on holidays last year and loved the placed and I had few interviews lined up. However nothing came out of that and so the ideas were put to the back of heads for a while. I think this was maybe the source of our problem because when I did eventually get an offer, it came totally out of the blue and to be honest it was a bit of a shock. At this stage we had already started looking at other places to move to including Sweden and Iceland and maybe we had gone 'off' on the idea of moving here.
However we were determined not to let a once in a lifetime opportunity pass us by so we decided to move. From interview to actually arriving and starting work was two months! Sometimes I wonder was this bad as it didn't give us enough time to say goodbye to all our relatives and friends personally, but it was probably good as it didn't give us enough time to change our minds!
Having been here nearly five months and still enjoying things as best we can, I think we both have come to different conclusions on whether or not to stay on, and apply for PR or just extend my WP for another couple years and wait and see. Mrs Orange is at home every day, shes on an open WP, but for sanity sake she's taken a break from work for a while and is doing some artistic endeavours. I was always worried that the long days alone at home for her would be a problem however she seems to have coped far better than me since we arrived. Its funny cos I get to see more people a day than she does but I've had numerous bouts of homesickness and some days I just want to jump on plane at YVR and fly all the way home.
Our difference in outlooks has become our pink elephant, but it usually goes away if you talk about it, its just a phobia a fear of the unknown. Its a large chunk of self-doubt, the likes of which you've never had before. I think it can be harder for the breadwinner in the family to admit that they have doubts about the move. I think so anyway. It was my job offer that got us here and I'm supporting the both of us, so even the littlest doubts become amplified even more. All this and only 4 and a bit months!
Some days I rush home from work and want to get started on our PR applications and somedays as I said I just wanna go home to Ireland. Mrs Orange somehow is never affected by this and she just perseveres on even in the face of my doubts!
Nov 17th 2006, 1:26 pm
#34
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Apr 2005
Location: Guelph, Canada
Posts: 170
Re: What if you don't agree ?
Originally Posted by orange247
Wow what a great little thread, very insightful.
It's one of those things that you never think about when planning the move together. Myself and Mrs Orange had been thinking of moving (either PR or WP) for a little over a year. We were gonna do it what ever way was quickest we just wanted to move out of Dublin. We came on holidays last year and loved the placed and I had few interviews lined up. However nothing came out of that and so the ideas were put to the back of heads for a while. I think this was maybe the source of our problem because when I did eventually get an offer, it came totally out of the blue and to be honest it was a bit of a shock. At this stage we had already started looking at other places to move to including Sweden and Iceland and maybe we had gone 'off' on the idea of moving here.
However we were determined not to let a once in a lifetime opportunity pass us by so we decided to move. From interview to actually arriving and starting work was two months! Sometimes I wonder was this bad as it didn't give us enough time to say goodbye to all our relatives and friends personally, but it was probably good as it didn't give us enough time to change our minds!
Having been here nearly five months and still enjoying things as best we can, I think we both have come to different conclusions on whether or not to stay on, and apply for PR or just extend my WP for another couple years and wait and see. Mrs Orange is at home every day, shes on an open WP, but for sanity sake she's taken a break from work for a while and is doing some artistic endeavours. I was always worried that the long days alone at home for her would be a problem however she seems to have coped far better than me since we arrived. Its funny cos I get to see more people a day than she does but I've had numerous bouts of homesickness and some days I just want to jump on plane at YVR and fly all the way home.
Our difference in outlooks has become our pink elephant, but it usually goes away if you talk about it, its just a phobia a fear of the unknown. Its a large chunk of self-doubt, the likes of which you've never had before. I think it can be harder for the breadwinner in the family to admit that they have doubts about the move. I think so anyway. It was my job offer that got us here and I'm supporting the both of us, so even the littlest doubts become amplified even more. All this and only 4 and a bit months!
Some days I rush home from work and want to get started on our PR applications and somedays as I said I just wanna go home to Ireland. Mrs Orange somehow is never affected by this and she just perseveres on even in the face of my doubts!
It's one of those things that you never think about when planning the move together. Myself and Mrs Orange had been thinking of moving (either PR or WP) for a little over a year. We were gonna do it what ever way was quickest we just wanted to move out of Dublin. We came on holidays last year and loved the placed and I had few interviews lined up. However nothing came out of that and so the ideas were put to the back of heads for a while. I think this was maybe the source of our problem because when I did eventually get an offer, it came totally out of the blue and to be honest it was a bit of a shock. At this stage we had already started looking at other places to move to including Sweden and Iceland and maybe we had gone 'off' on the idea of moving here.
However we were determined not to let a once in a lifetime opportunity pass us by so we decided to move. From interview to actually arriving and starting work was two months! Sometimes I wonder was this bad as it didn't give us enough time to say goodbye to all our relatives and friends personally, but it was probably good as it didn't give us enough time to change our minds!
Having been here nearly five months and still enjoying things as best we can, I think we both have come to different conclusions on whether or not to stay on, and apply for PR or just extend my WP for another couple years and wait and see. Mrs Orange is at home every day, shes on an open WP, but for sanity sake she's taken a break from work for a while and is doing some artistic endeavours. I was always worried that the long days alone at home for her would be a problem however she seems to have coped far better than me since we arrived. Its funny cos I get to see more people a day than she does but I've had numerous bouts of homesickness and some days I just want to jump on plane at YVR and fly all the way home.
Our difference in outlooks has become our pink elephant, but it usually goes away if you talk about it, its just a phobia a fear of the unknown. Its a large chunk of self-doubt, the likes of which you've never had before. I think it can be harder for the breadwinner in the family to admit that they have doubts about the move. I think so anyway. It was my job offer that got us here and I'm supporting the both of us, so even the littlest doubts become amplified even more. All this and only 4 and a bit months!
Some days I rush home from work and want to get started on our PR applications and somedays as I said I just wanna go home to Ireland. Mrs Orange somehow is never affected by this and she just perseveres on even in the face of my doubts!
Oh goody another person who "gets" my thread!
How true Mr O - It did not occur to me when we planned all of this that one of us could be unhappy and the other one quite content ........ it was not until we were here and we both started to see things in a different light. (I know that is what makes us individuals ...... but how 2 people can do the same thing but take two different experiences from it still amazes me.)
Your wife and I have a lot in common. My hope would be that when one of us is down it does not pull the other down and vice versa..... I suppose it is all about that emotional roller coaster and sometimes you hit and highs and the lows at different times. I am the optimist in our house ...... which if truth be told completely infuriates hubby. (However if I was glum and did not try to cheer him up and keep highlighting the positives we would both end up squashed by our "elephant"!)
I wish you and your wife the best for your new life here..... it is still early days!
Off now to do some more job hunting!
Take care.
Dec 27th 2006, 3:55 pm
#35
smokes, let's go
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto
Posts: 184
Re: What if you don't agree ?
I was going to put some Christmas decorations on the massive elephant in my apartment - saves buying a tree. 
I've spent nearly six months telling my OH how wonderful Canada is, what a great move we've made, he's spent six months complaining, arguing and saying he doesn't want to stay here - I think he'd rather be anywhere else, as long as it was warm! To make matters worse I've now got a job and he just sits around the house all day feeling sorry for himself (supposed to be setting a business up, but seems very reluctant to do so).
I tried my best to be positive, get him involved in other things, make friends etc but I'm tired of it now. If he doesn't like it, there's not much more I can do?
Admittedly our relationship wasn't exactly hearts and flowers when we moved here, but I think the move may have been a fatal blow.
Not had a very good Christmas, sorry.
I've spent nearly six months telling my OH how wonderful Canada is, what a great move we've made, he's spent six months complaining, arguing and saying he doesn't want to stay here - I think he'd rather be anywhere else, as long as it was warm! To make matters worse I've now got a job and he just sits around the house all day feeling sorry for himself (supposed to be setting a business up, but seems very reluctant to do so).
I tried my best to be positive, get him involved in other things, make friends etc but I'm tired of it now. If he doesn't like it, there's not much more I can do?
Admittedly our relationship wasn't exactly hearts and flowers when we moved here, but I think the move may have been a fatal blow.
Not had a very good Christmas, sorry.
Dec 27th 2006, 4:58 pm
#36
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2006
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 70
Re: What if you don't agree ?
Tidge, sounds like you need a holiday.
Both myself and Mrs O flew home for crimbo. She to Scotland, me to Ireland. It was the first time we had been away from each other in the five months since we moved to Van. But it has taken this two-week break to realise, more than ever that we are meant to be together.
We both battled through the thick and thin when we arrived, we struggled with so many things during our first few months, that I too wondered whether or not our relationship was taking a battering as well. When things go wrong, people always look for the first person to blame. Unfortunately in a country where you might not know many people, the person blamed is usually your spouse. And believe me, they are probably blaming you for all the problems too. It's only natural.
Honestly Tidge, a break from each other or at the very least a break from your problems sounds like the right thing to do right now. Maybe a break in Van would do just the trick Seriously, I'll lay down the welcome mat!
Both myself and Mrs O flew home for crimbo. She to Scotland, me to Ireland. It was the first time we had been away from each other in the five months since we moved to Van. But it has taken this two-week break to realise, more than ever that we are meant to be together.
We both battled through the thick and thin when we arrived, we struggled with so many things during our first few months, that I too wondered whether or not our relationship was taking a battering as well. When things go wrong, people always look for the first person to blame. Unfortunately in a country where you might not know many people, the person blamed is usually your spouse. And believe me, they are probably blaming you for all the problems too. It's only natural.
Honestly Tidge, a break from each other or at the very least a break from your problems sounds like the right thing to do right now. Maybe a break in Van would do just the trick
Seriously, I'll lay down the welcome mat!
Dec 27th 2006, 7:35 pm
#37
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: BC
Posts: 1,361
Re: What if you don't agree ?
Originally Posted by Tidge
I was going to put some Christmas decorations on the massive elephant in my apartment - saves buying a tree.
I've spent nearly six months telling my OH how wonderful Canada is, what a great move we've made, he's spent six months complaining, arguing and saying he doesn't want to stay here - I think he'd rather be anywhere else, as long as it was warm! To make matters worse I've now got a job and he just sits around the house all day feeling sorry for himself (supposed to be setting a business up, but seems very reluctant to do so).
I tried my best to be positive, get him involved in other things, make friends etc but I'm tired of it now. If he doesn't like it, there's not much more I can do?
Admittedly our relationship wasn't exactly hearts and flowers when we moved here, but I think the move may have been a fatal blow.
Not had a very good Christmas, sorry.
I've spent nearly six months telling my OH how wonderful Canada is, what a great move we've made, he's spent six months complaining, arguing and saying he doesn't want to stay here - I think he'd rather be anywhere else, as long as it was warm! To make matters worse I've now got a job and he just sits around the house all day feeling sorry for himself (supposed to be setting a business up, but seems very reluctant to do so).
I tried my best to be positive, get him involved in other things, make friends etc but I'm tired of it now. If he doesn't like it, there's not much more I can do?
Admittedly our relationship wasn't exactly hearts and flowers when we moved here, but I think the move may have been a fatal blow.
Not had a very good Christmas, sorry.
Sorry to hear about how you are feeling, sometimes you need to take care
of yourself and look after your needs.Looks like you already put alot
of energy in helping your hubby to adjust and then getting passive
aggressive reactions from him.Anyway, things got to change and he needs to
be shakened out of his comfort zone.
Looks like he needs help too and it is not healthy for you both to go
on like this. You have support here .
Yoong
Dec 27th 2006, 10:11 pm
#38
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Apr 2005
Location: Guelph, Canada
Posts: 170
Re: What if you don't agree ?
Originally Posted by Tidge
I was going to put some Christmas decorations on the massive elephant in my apartment - saves buying a tree.
I've spent nearly six months telling my OH how wonderful Canada is, what a great move we've made, he's spent six months complaining, arguing and saying he doesn't want to stay here - I think he'd rather be anywhere else, as long as it was warm! To make matters worse I've now got a job and he just sits around the house all day feeling sorry for himself (supposed to be setting a business up, but seems very reluctant to do so).
I tried my best to be positive, get him involved in other things, make friends etc but I'm tired of it now. If he doesn't like it, there's not much more I can do?
Admittedly our relationship wasn't exactly hearts and flowers when we moved here, but I think the move may have been a fatal blow.
Not had a very good Christmas, sorry.
I've spent nearly six months telling my OH how wonderful Canada is, what a great move we've made, he's spent six months complaining, arguing and saying he doesn't want to stay here - I think he'd rather be anywhere else, as long as it was warm! To make matters worse I've now got a job and he just sits around the house all day feeling sorry for himself (supposed to be setting a business up, but seems very reluctant to do so).
I tried my best to be positive, get him involved in other things, make friends etc but I'm tired of it now. If he doesn't like it, there's not much more I can do?
Admittedly our relationship wasn't exactly hearts and flowers when we moved here, but I think the move may have been a fatal blow.
Not had a very good Christmas, sorry.
Hubby and I had a couple of lovely offers to spend Xmas with other people but we actually choose to stay together - just the two of us - and it worked out ok for us. (Conscious effort to make sure we do not take each other for granted and that we did not take our fears and frustrations out on each other!)
We hooked up the camera to messenger and spent quite a lot of time talking to the family ......... it wasn't like a Christmas back home but then again....... nothing here is like back home. I am now not trying as hard to cheer up hubby and look for all the positives...... in fact sometimes I am nearly as negative as he is.
Perhaps it is time to take care of you.......... if hubby decides to be unhappy then that is what he will be............. regardless of what we do for people they still need to help themselves........... you are not responsible for his outlook on life.
Positive thoughts to you. Take care.
Dec 28th 2006, 8:16 am
#39
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: SW England
Posts: 1,491
Re: What if you don't agree ?
Hi Tidge,
Sorry you had a rotten Christmas. I hope you can work things out with your OH and move forward?
Sorry you had a rotten Christmas. I hope you can work things out with your OH and move forward?
