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Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Old Aug 24th 2011, 10:01 am
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by Lemi View Post
It's interesting how emigration affects the relationships and dynamics within the extended family.

For example, the main reason we came to Canada was to get a really nice big house, but in doing so inadvertently alienated ourselves from my family back home. An unforeseen consequence of this will be that now,when my infirm and elderly parents croak, my creepy "I'll take you shopping Mum", "I'll drive you to your hospital appointment Dad" sister will no doubt swoop in like the vulture she is and inherit their not insubstantial estate.

Then, before you know it, she'll go and buy herself a nicer, bigger house than the one we had to come all the way out here to get.

Some days I really wonder why we bothered.
Blimey.
Is this post for real or deep sarcasm?
I hope it is the latter
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Old Aug 24th 2011, 12:41 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by wizzard View Post
I think it also helps to differntiate between the experience of short visits/vacations versus real life. In much the same way as people are shocked by initial migration. Usually peoples first experience of the new place, Canada in this case, is a vacation experience. You spend a lot of time relaxing, enjoying what the location has to offer in terms of lifestyle etc. then you compare it to your 'real life' back in the UK which seems very full of work and stress and Canada (or wherever) seems so big and laid back etc. but when you move there and you have to get a job, and work every day and commute and pay bills etc. you realize it isn't really that much different.
A similar thing happens, I think, in reverse when you go back to visit after a while. I'm going back to visit family on Saturday for a few weeks and haven't been for a few years and again you are entering a vacation type experience, different from the reality of living there. You have lots of free time, you visit with family and friends and go to places with nostalgic associations etc. No work etc. you relax and think hey it wasn't so bad here after all, sat in the beer garden of a country pub, compared to an hour on the 401 in a blizzard.
However, if you moved back that is not how it would be. First you need to find jobs, can you guarantee they will be so close to family that you can visit all the time, if you still want to once the 'homesickness' wears off. Even if you live in a city not too far away you then get everyday life, work and commitments, you still only visit on holidays, odd weekends. Sure more than when you were in Canada but still, beyond a certain distance the time and hassle of driving multiple hours for a visit versus other commitments etc. means you never visit as often as you think you will.
Maybe you can get back in touch with old friends but friends also tend to change, move on. You don't want to move back, another transatlantic relocation, and then find 3 months alter your friends have decided to go to Australia and your parents are downsizing to a small place on the south coast etc.
All I am saying is you need to be sure of what it is you think you miss about a place. If it is family connections then yes it is hard but a reality that families don't often all live in one location. Friends is hard too but unless you want to be room mates and follow each other around forever it is again something that changes over time.
It is easy to yearn for idalized versions of things.
If on the other hand the life you have created now is not what you wanted, you don't like your job, or the town/city you are living in, you don't like the people or culture or way of life then that is different. You can't change those things without moving, but do you need to move back to the UK, or just move to a different town, city, street, job etc. What was it that made you want to move in the first place?
The driving ideal behind most migration is the desire to start from scratch and build something, which is hard and requires effort to create from nothing or very little (or maybe more if you come with a large wad of cash rather than $100 in your pocket) but it is a drive for something new, a re-invention. The desire to recreate what you have left is an oddly common theme, I think maybe understandable if you left because you had no choice (e.g. war, famine, persecution, poverty etc.) and didn't really want to recreate yourself.

anyway I digress and I have to make dinner so I don't know, take from that idle thought what you will.
Excellent post
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Old Aug 24th 2011, 12:43 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by helcat12 View Post

Stop looking back and look forward.
Stop looking at the happiness of your husband and children from the outside and go join them in it.
The alternative doesn't bear thinking about.


I like this one
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 2:05 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

We emigrated to Alberta in 2006.. I loved it but it was too much of a culture shock for us, I came home in 2009 when my Brother passed away and after returning to Canada I never really settled again.. I missed my family and 'Britishness'.. Trees/Ocean certain food etc.. My hubby never wanted to come home, and fought me every time I mentioned it, but he could see how much I wanted to so we moved back to the UK in December 2010.. We are now in the throws of making the move back to Canada as what I thought I had missed for nearly 5 years was in deed a case of 'when you can't have something you miss it'.. we have simply out grown the British way of life.. we were told not to come back by everyone, even the family members that really missed us! and it is only having spent the last 8 months home that we realize how right they were! England hasn't changed.. we have!.. we prefer the laid back way of Canadian life.. not having to worry about leaving your Bbq or kids toys in your front/back yard.. I freak every time the kids go near the road, cos in Canada they would have the right of way and that's the way they were brought up!.. The kids are having a hard time at school too.. British kids are so mean and down right rude, some of the language that comes out of a 5-8yr olds mouths is appalling!.. and the kids keep asking about moving back. I realize how selfish I was to make them move, and in hindsight would have stayed, but the feelings were so strong I couldn't see any other way round it.
We don't live far from family now, but due to everyone's life style/work etc we really don't see them that often.
So with all that said we now have to wait until we can afford to move back which will be around spring 2012.. and this time we will be moving to NS (which is where we originally wanted to emigrate but couldn't find jobs) it is much more like England and at least I will be near the sea which I missed terribly in the Prairies.. Regardless of anyone else's judgement or opinions on your decision only you can do what you feel is right for you, I know now that I made a huge mistake, and we as a family are paying for that.. But I had to do it to realize what we really did have, and what we really don't have or will never have in the UK.. I can go back to Canada knowing that England will always be the place I was born, and I am proud to be British(to an extent).. but Canada felt like home, we were made very welcome and it's the Country I want to bring my children up, and grow old in!..
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 2:26 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by Monsterjosh View Post
We emigrated to Alberta in 2006.. I loved it but it was too much of a culture shock for us, I came home in 2009 when my Brother passed away and after returning to Canada I never really settled again.. I missed my family and 'Britishness'.. Trees/Ocean certain food etc.. My hubby never wanted to come home, and fought me every time I mentioned it, but he could see how much I wanted to so we moved back to the UK in December 2010.. We are now in the throws of making the move back to Canada as what I thought I had missed for nearly 5 years was in deed a case of 'when you can't have something you miss it'.. we have simply out grown the British way of life.. we were told not to come back by everyone, even the family members that really missed us! and it is only having spent the last 8 months home that we realize how right they were! England hasn't changed.. we have!.. we prefer the laid back way of Canadian life.. not having to worry about leaving your Bbq or kids toys in your front/back yard.. I freak every time the kids go near the road, cos in Canada they would have the right of way and that's the way they were brought up!.. The kids are having a hard time at school too.. British kids are so mean and down right rude, some of the language that comes out of a 5-8yr olds mouths is appalling!.. and the kids keep asking about moving back. I realize how selfish I was to make them move, and in hindsight would have stayed, but the feelings were so strong I couldn't see any other way round it.
We don't live far from family now, but due to everyone's life style/work etc we really don't see them that often.
So with all that said we now have to wait until we can afford to move back which will be around spring 2012.. and this time we will be moving to NS (which is where we originally wanted to emigrate but couldn't find jobs) it is much more like England and at least I will be near the sea which I missed terribly in the Prairies.. Regardless of anyone else's judgement or opinions on your decision only you can do what you feel is right for you, I know now that I made a huge mistake, and we as a family are paying for that.. But I had to do it to realize what we really did have, and what we really don't have or will never have in the UK.. I can go back to Canada knowing that England will always be the place I was born, and I am proud to be British(to an extent).. but Canada felt like home, we were made very welcome and it's the Country I want to bring my children up, and grow old in!..
I can see that living in Derbyshire epitomizes living by the ocean. I hope you find whatever you are looking for and I hope the employment situation has improved in NS
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 2:39 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

I never said I lived 'right on the ocean' ..But we are only a few hours drive away when I need a 'fix'.. in the prairies we were days away, so couldn't just 'pop' off for a daytrip when the need arose!.. We have employment sorted just need to save to pay for the return trip.. but thanks for your concern
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 4:34 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by Monsterjosh View Post
I never said I lived 'right on the ocean' ..But we are only a few hours drive away when I need a 'fix'.. in the prairies we were days away, so couldn't just 'pop' off for a daytrip when the need arose!.. We have employment sorted just need to save to pay for the return trip.. but thanks for your concern
Don't expect it to be any easier second time round..

There is a real risk of ending up "Mid Atlantic" knowing both countries pluses and minuses and always missing part of the country you’re not living in

Its the reality of discovering alternatives
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 6:20 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by helcat12 View Post
Ignore the gainsayers and get positive, like Bear and Wizzard say.

Stop looking back and look forward.
Stop looking at the happiness of your husband and children from the outside and go join them in it.
The alternative doesn't bear thinking about.
Life's not a rehearsal you know.
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 6:27 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by MikeUK View Post
Don't expect it to be any easier second time round..

There is a real risk of ending up "Mid Atlantic" knowing both countries pluses and minuses and always missing part of the country you’re not living in

Its the reality of discovering alternatives
Not everyone has a "glass half empty" mindset, you know.
Being unhappy with what you have got and always yearning for something you think is better is a sure-fire way to be unhappy for the rest of your life.

I cannot understand that attitude - it is deeply immature and shallow
.
Life moves on and each new day and new experience will bring some losses and some gains but no situation is perfect.
When you are married, do you miss being single?
When you have children, do you miss not having them?

If you cannot make a decision and then be happy with it because you are always hankering after the things you haven't got then you have doomed yourself to a life of misery and not only yourself, but quite probably those close to you as well.

Time to start appreciating the good things in the life you have before they are destroyed by greed and dissatisfaction.
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 7:09 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by helcat12 View Post
Not everyone has a "glass half empty" mindset, you know.
Being unhappy with what you have got and always yearning for something you think is better is a sure-fire way to be unhappy for the rest of your life.

I cannot understand that attitude - it is deeply immature and shallow
.
Life moves on and each new day and new experience will bring some losses and some gains but no situation is perfect.
When you are married, do you miss being single?
When you have children, do you miss not having them?

If you cannot make a decision and then be happy with it because you are always hankering after the things you haven't got then you have doomed yourself to a life of misery and not only yourself, but quite probably those close to you as well.

Time to start appreciating the good things in the life you have before they are destroyed by greed and dissatisfaction.
Nice piece of philosophy but waaay off the mark..

When you are married, yes you do miss some of the benefits of being single..
When my children are driving me nuts I wonder if it’s all worth it…

However you cannot physicaly move one country into another!

It will be very real to have key things that you like about a place that you will miss, that you will not find in another place, the more you travel and live in different places the more this will occur, knowing this and understanding this does not correlate with unhappiness, but it does help you make choices, and it will help you understand when perception is getting in the way of reality.

The glass contains an equal mixture of water and air, it is neither completely one or the other, nor can you pretend it to be anything else..
Interestingly the glass contains equal volumes of life’s essential ingredients

And don’t forget one of the biggest drivers for success and happiness (and emigrating) is not settling short but for working for “something you think is better” and if you didn’t ’yearn’ for it why would you even set out to get it.. To see it as greed and dissatisfaction is very one sided, it can be seen as progress, self improvement, striving for a better life..

To further quote
“Time to start appreciating the good things in the life you have before they are destroyed by greed and dissatisfaction”.
If you have this attitude why emigrate??

Last edited by MikeUK; Aug 25th 2011 at 7:33 pm.
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 7:27 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by helcat12 View Post
Being unhappy with what you have got and always yearning for something you think is better is a sure-fire way to be unhappy for the rest of your life.
Isn't that the majority of most would be immigrants you've just described, who are yearning for something they think is better?
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 8:22 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by MikeUK View Post
Nice piece of philosophy but waaay off the mark..

When you are married, yes you do miss some of the benefits of being single..
When my children are driving me nuts I wonder if it’s all worth it…

However you cannot physicaly move one country into another!

It will be very real to have key things that you like about a place that you will miss, that you will not find in another place, the more you travel and live in different places the more this will occur, knowing this and understanding this does not correlate with unhappiness, but it does help you make choices, and it will help you understand when perception is getting in the way of reality.

The glass contains an equal mixture of water and air, it is neither completely one or the other, nor can you pretend it to be anything else..
Interestingly the glass contains equal volumes of life’s essential ingredients

And don’t forget one of the biggest drivers for success and happiness (and emigrating) is not settling short but for working for “something you think is better” and if you didn’t ’yearn’ for it why would you even set out to get it.. To see it as greed and dissatisfaction is very one sided, it can be seen as progress, self improvement, striving for a better life..

To further quote


If you have this attitude why emigrate??
You have misunderstood me Mike.
It isn't the emigrating in the first place I am taking issue with, it is emigrating and then changing your mind on an emotional whim.

Presumably people emigrate for all the good reasons you have quoted - self-improvement, better family life, more free time, etc and if you have achieved all those things why would you then be dissatisfied enough to come back?

Surely if someone has emigrated to improve their life and get better things for themselves and their family, they thought about it and researched it thoroughly and confirmed that it would indeed offer what they wanted.

To then uproot everyone to go back again just for some vague feeling that you "miss" things is the "glass half empty" attitude. Some people are never satisfied.
Of course you will miss things. I would have thought that was obvious before emigrating.
To use the analogy, you might miss some aspects of being single when you are married, but would that be a good reason to divorce?
No, because giving up some things that you like has been necessary for the greater benefit of the new situation.

If you have chosen to emigrate and expect it to be all perfection and not to miss anything of your home then you are misguided.
If, as other posters have said, you accept that feeling this way for a while is a natural thing, then you can get through it and start to make the most of your new home.

If, however you dwell on the negatives, the things that you have left behind and the things you don't like about a place (and there will always be some because nowhere is perfect), you will of course be unhappy.

I disagree with you in that I do not think that the poster who did this and found that the UK wasn't the place she remembered will have problems settling in Canada now.
Now she knows that the reality of coming "home" wasn't what she had longed for.
I am just sorry for her because she had to go through all the upheaval for herself and her family to find that out but she will be stronger for it and able to put those feelings aside if they rise again.
I think she is very courageous to have admitted that she made a mistake and I applaud her honesty.
Maybe others who are feeling homesick for the UK at the moment can learn a lesson from her experience.
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 9:07 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by jinn View Post
Hi All,

Just wanted to update eveyone on how things are going since my last update.
I have now been in Toronto coming upto 3years, have been working at the same company for 2 years, my kids go into a nice, local school... BUT.. I still can't get used to life here! I'm trying really hard but really miss home.
We went back for a visit in July for a family wedding. Then Seeing everyone and having a great time just reminded me of what I was missing, and what I had left behind.

My husband prefers the lifestyle here and has said he would'nt want to move back, my kids are 5 & 7 and they like it here aswell, but for me... I don't know if I could ever make this my home from my heart. I've tried, and tried, but something just keeps pulling me back. We have no family here, so it gets very lonley at times.

How do I make this home? I know things are'nt great back in England but it's not all that bad is it?????

Just need to pick me up.. to get on with things are make a real go of my life here.

I just needed to tell someone how I was feeling, and what better than to share it with people in the same boat.

Thanks.
Jinn
I agree with what people have said on here. We're back in the UK at the moment and it's great to see everyone again and lots of things are just as they were ... But we've also made contact with the reasons we left in the first place and that makes getting on the plane back to Toronto this Sunday quite easy. Try and do that too.
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 9:14 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by helcat12 View Post
You have misunderstood me Mike.
It isn't the emigrating in the first place I am taking issue with, it is emigrating and then changing your mind on an emotional whim.

Presumably people emigrate for all the good reasons you have quoted - self-improvement, better family life, more free time, etc and if you have achieved all those things why would you then be dissatisfied enough to come back?
I did it because it could still further my life and career by moving back to the UK and it did.. and it did it again when I moved back to Canada...
Plus you'll need to point out why you see it as an emotional whim
Surely if someone has emigrated to improve their life and get better things for themselves and their family, they thought about it and researched it thoroughly and confirmed that it would indeed offer what they wanted.
The reality is that in most cases it only ever delivers part of the dream, there is the problem with expecting too much change, when you emigrate your baggage tends to come along too, as prejudices, beliefs, culture and you.
Again people emigrate for change, and some might consider it a once in a life time event, but like many things once you've done it no reason why you can't do it again
To then uproot everyone to go back again just for some vague feeling that you "miss" things is the "glass half empty" attitude. Some people are never satisfied.
Most people are never stratified, that’s part of being human
Of course you will miss things. I would have thought that was obvious before emigrating.
To use the analogy, you might miss some aspects of being single when you are married, but would that be a good reason to divorce?
No, because giving up some things that you like has been necessary for the greater benefit of the new situation.

If you have chosen to emigrate and expect it to be all perfection and not to miss anything of your home then you are misguided.
If, as other posters have said, you accept that feeling this way for a while is a natural thing, then you can get through it and start to make the most of your new home.

If, however you dwell on the negatives, the things that you have left behind and the things you don't like about a place (and there will always be some because nowhere is perfect), you will of course be unhappy.
You don’t need to dwell the negatives, just understand them and know why you miss them and why you left them behind, missing things you like

I disagree with you in that I do not think that the poster who did this and found that the UK wasn't the place she remembered will have problems settling in Canada now.
I think you and many other would like to think that, but I’m not so sure it’s true
Now she knows that the reality of coming "home" wasn't what she had longed for.
I am just sorry for her because she had to go through all the upheaval for herself and her family to find that out but she will be stronger for it and able to put those feelings aside if they rise again.
I think she is very courageous to have admitted that she made a mistake and I applaud her honesty.
Maybe others who are feeling homesick for the UK at the moment can learn a lesson from her experience.
Like me, who understands that each March that I’ve been here for will almost always comes with waves of home sickness that I will need to deal with, just like I used to deal with when I was back in the UK and missed part of Canada..
I accept that I can’t have all the things I like at the same time by being based in only one of the two possible locations, but that will never stop me liking them..
My solution strive for a global role that will allow me both!!

Last edited by MikeUK; Aug 25th 2011 at 9:34 pm.
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Old Aug 25th 2011, 10:32 pm
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Default Re: Went back to the UK for 3 weeks and.......

Originally Posted by Lemi View Post
It's interesting how emigration affects the relationships and dynamics within the extended family.

For example, the main reason we came to Canada was to get a really nice big house, but in doing so inadvertently alienated ourselves from my family back home. An unforeseen consequence of this will be that now,when my infirm and elderly parents croak, my creepy "I'll take you shopping Mum", "I'll drive you to your hospital appointment Dad" sister will no doubt swoop in like the vulture she is and inherit their not insubstantial estate.

Then, before you know it, she'll go and buy herself a nicer, bigger house than the one we had to come all the way out here to get.

Some days I really wonder why we bothered.
Maybe, just maybe, you're all that's wrong with the world.
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