Torn.. :(
 

Hi everyone,

I'm 20 at the moment and studying Pharmacy in Scotland. The past 6 months or so I've become set on emigrating to Canada after I qualify. Initially my other half was keen on the idea too but last night dropped the bombshell that he doesn't think he'd be able to leave his family behind, whether in 4/5 years or maybe even never :( I'm finding it hard to understand because I'm not close to my family whereas he's very close to his.. I hate the idea of bringing up kids in Britain the way things are going, which he agrees with, but I think his priority is current family, not future :(

It's all a long way off and both of us may feel differently when I do eventually graduate, but I don't see things working out if there's not even a chance of us giving things a go in Canada (or anywhere but Britain!). Has anyone else on here had to cope with a partner who's less than keen on the emigration idea? If so, how has it worked out?

Any replies/advice would be much appreciated,

Amy

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You said it yourself. It's a long way off and who knows how you'll feel about the idea later on. Maybe he or you will feel differently.

My suggestion is you see if you can maintain your enthusiasm but not get carried away with the idea that Canada has everything that you could possibly want and see if over time that maybe your other half could start to really want to be part of those things. If he really doesn't want to make the move and is somehow compelled to then it certainly won't be a successful or happy one.

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if i can be harsh but a realist... youre 20.... and if youre deadset keen, do it with or without him.

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Why dont both of you go on the bunac visa (for under 30's) for one year and see if both of you like it and if it is really for you or not, that in a way may change his and even your mind, who knows what the future holds, just a suggestion to see if he can get away for a year in the hope he may change his mind......good luck and all the best in the future.

MR79

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Thanks for the replies - just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place - I'm one of those 'if I want to do it, I WILL end up doing it' kind of people so I think I know eventually I will end up there. Whether it'll be permanent or not is a different story, just don't want to make decisions now regarding a situation we MIGHT be in, in 4 years time. Grr!

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Take some consideration in the fact that my Canadian wife didn't want to bring up our children in Canada and would rather they grow up in the English educational system which she feels is superior

me? I don't think there is that much difference

But then she's the ex-teacher I'm not

I personally think it’s more about perception than reality and then throw in location as both countries have good and bad areas and that will reflect itself in the schools

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I agree. At your age I wouldn't let anyone make your decisions for you. The world is your oyster. If you don't try, and always have that nagging doubt, it will not do your relationship a lot of good and resentment is a distinct possibility. Go for it. Get your degree and do what you can to start the immigration process in the meantime. Good luck and stop counting at one. Take care of yourself first and foremost !

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My ex-wife was super close to her family, biggest reason we split up, no matter what she would have to be close to them, so based on my experience if you really want to be in Canada do it without your partner and live your dream, you will find another partner, lots of fish in the sea...

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...bugger... still looking for fellow adventurer..? :rofl:

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What dave said.

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As you say it's a long way off. A lot can change in 4 years. Will you are still be together when you qualify, perhaps his family will have all moved away. Maybe he's just not that into you and this is his way of opting out now. If his priority is his family and not you, then ???

If you are still in the same position when you qualify you could consider some post grad study in Canada to see if you like it here.

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I think half of the problem is that I've already been away from home travelling for a year, went out to New Zealand and worked for 6 months, and toured various other places during the other 6 months, came home and haven't felt settled ever since.

Maybe I won't know what I want until I inadvertedly stumble across it :confused: I think you are guys are right, I won't be happy if I don't take the opportunity to explore because of him.. The situation's complicated because I live in his flat, we have a dog together.. I don't think I could stomach moving back home to my mum's because I'd have to share with my 18yr old sister.. ust stuck :(

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When will you graduate from school?

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You're 20? Is it that realistic you'll be with him still when you graduate?

My advice is (as been previously mentioned) ask him to accompany you on a BUNAC visa. If he wont give that a go then is he REALLY worth it? In the same vein if he wont even CONSIDER what you want because he would be leaving his precious family, where do you REALLY think his priorities lie?

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Hi There

I had similar situation when I was in my early 20s- had travelled and wanted to go abroad to live/work but my boyfriend at the time didn't.

Did go away (on my own) and came back to the UK and ended getting together the guy who had my best mate at uni and we shared the same dream of living abroad.

We are both now 30, married and living in Toronto!!!

Follow your dreams and don't change/stay for other people- you will regret it!

Just enjoy being a student- they truly are the best years of your life and maybe spend some of your summer holidays/study for a semester here in Canada. You don't have to decide anything yet re Permanent Residency.

Hope this helps

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sound words x x

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Thanks Natty. :thumbsup:

Must be me Accy 'roots' eh

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sure is!! lol! x x

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Ditto for me! I did BUNAC for a year after Uni and when I went back to England at the end of the year my long term 5 year relationship ended. My dream of emigrating to Canada never died though and I'm now here as a PR, single, independent and with absolutely no regrets.

I couldn't agree more - I did change plans for another boyfriend at one point and stayed in England rather than going work abroad. The relationship failed and I never forgave him or myself for the fact that I compromised what I wanted to do for him.

You have lots of time, take it step by step and see how it goes. BUNAC for a year after Uni would be a great idea - make your mind up that you'll do it and then when it comes to the time see whether he decides to join you. If not then he probably wasn't serious about the relationship anyway. Focus on enjoying your life and que sera, sera!

Good luck :-)

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Thanks again guys - I've never been to Canada but I'm hoping it's the kind of place that if I manage to get him to visit, he won't want to go home either. By the sound of it, if he won't give it a shot it's not destined to work, so will just wait and see how things go in the meantime.

If it doesn't work out, you better all be there to console me with a beer in 4 years time :thumbup:

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Wouldnt you prefer some shots?

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Totally agree re doing BUNAC 12 month working holiday visa.

See it as an adventure for a year ...you can keep your options open...with or without him! That's what we did initially. It's not as scary or as big as EMIGRATING. You can see if Canada's right for you (both?) and if not, you've not lost anything. If it is then you can work out how you can stay.

Everybody wins!

(Just don't go having any babies in the meantime. You can't include sprogs on a BUNAC visa. ;))

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I hope this was tongue in cheek. If not, my crystal ball thinks your current boyfriend will not be the big priority after you graduate. Once you've sorted custody of the dog the world will be your oyster ;)

On a more serious note, BUNAC is great way to get you some experience of Canada.

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so if you had to move 200 miles to another uni to complete your training would that be too far for him to visit his family? its a few hours on a plane, they have the internet there. i will horribly miss my family cos here i see my mum every ay, but she is not getting any younger and neither are we, we need to live our lives and we want better for our kids than a government that told our aunt as she lost her house recovering from massive cancer surgery that she would have a better chance at a council house if she was pregnant or foreign.

if you want to go then go, try it. if he comes with then cool. if not then either he means more to you than canada does or the other way round.

BUNAC is a great idea, im just concerned you are thinking about canada when you have already said you have never been there and already have itchy feet from travelling. get a taster of canada before you decide. you never know you might talk him into it and then want to move on in 6 months cos its not for you.
lot to think about, and i dont envy you.

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I agree with all the above posts. I have wanted to live in Canada for ten years or more and for various relationship and family reasons, I kept putting my dreams on hold.

I am now single and happy again and have decided not to put my dreams on hold any longer no matter what!! I have applied for PR and waiting to hear about this. I am also very close to my family, but have decided i cannot live my life for them, as i am not getting any younger Lol.

You are still very young and I think you need to follow your dreams, not his. If he is the right person he will support you and have to decide what is more important to him....

Give it a go, you only get one chance in life, take it.....

Emmjay

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Deepfriendbrain.....
welcome to my dilema!
i have been with my partner for over 5 years.
emigrating was something which i have wanted to do for years, for the same reasons as yourself! i cant imagine bringing kids up in this country, i hate the attitude of people here, i dont like the way the country is going down the pan!
my other half was coming, then she wasnt, then she was, and now i dont think she will!
however, its my aim to go.
if i stayed here, i would end up resenting her if things didnt work out.
5 years isa long time for a relationship, but im on 24, and im sure there are other fish in the sea!

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sounds like you have made your mind up that you are going on your own already reading this..... like you are detaching yourself already from her!

i agree with not bringing kids up in england, i have two friends here with small kids and two friends in canada with kids, and i can tell already who is having the best start in life.......the kids in canada!

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I can't agree with you. I have grown up children from my first marriage whom I consider to have had a much more enjoyable childhood in England than the one I feel able to offer my young children from my second marriage here in Canada.

That's not to say that children in Canada don't have a great childhood but it depends entirely on the individual circumstances and nothing to do whether they are in Canada or the UK.

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Five years is a long time for a relationship? My! Aren't you a keeper?

Maybe shes thinking the same thing about you. Dunno why people get it into their heads that if they want to move to another country that it's their partner that is the negative one pulling them down. Moving to a new country is big and as someone who is inclined to move back to England but is married to a Canadian that is somewhat reluctant to move back I know that she's the only woman for me and I'll stay here for the rest of my life if need be.

I can't relate to anyone thinking that they are still in a relationship if they think that there are other fish in the sea.

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Hi Amy ,:D
I have been in Canada for nearly a year now and moved here with my husbands job.I was the reluctant partner as I didnt want to leave all my family behind and found the first couple of months so hard but I was prepared to give it a go as you are only here once and there would always be the question What if ??? Nearly 12 months on I have no regrets and love it here ,I love the country and the people and my children love life here and would not go back to UK!! I went back to UK in March and my parents have just been over for 3 weeks and really enjoyed their time here and were pleased to see us all so happy. So follow your heart and your dreams !! Best of luck to you
Janine :thumbsup:

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Based on what? I cannot even begin to describe the now missed opportunities my kids would have had if we had never left the UK. The two that spent part of their childhood in the UK never forgave me for coming out here, one bolted home as soon as she was old enough and loves it, the other will return home as soon as he is old enough, and the others will go back, I have no doubt of that. Being here deprived them of exposure to things it would take me hours to list. Thank goodness for the internet and a mother who travels, that is all I can say. It is rather insulting to all those who bring up their kids in the UK to be good kids and future citizens. Most kids are only a product of their home environment after all. Scratch below what you think you see, you might be surprised.

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Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their replies - it's all been helpful one way or another. I'm keen to go, and hope I can get us out for a reccie trip either next year or the year after. Fingers crossed he realises how different we could have it if we ever were to leave the UK!

Cheers again,

Amy x

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Well, no longer torn.. the relationship went belly up a couple of weeks ago so am now determined that I WILL go out there and nothing's going to stop me (apart from issues during the emigration process!).

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Deepfried brain

Sorry to hear about your relationship going belly up. I know exactly what your feeling. I was looking into emigrating before I met my former partner and put my plans on hold for him. Two years down the line, the relationship went belly up and I decided to come out on my own again and see if I still wanted to emigrate. I re-discovered my love of NS and the maritimes and I put my forms in via the skilled worker route, which I have now changed over to PNP route and things are starting to come to fruition :fingerscrossed: after three years of waiting.

I know about issues with doing this, as I think I have had more ups and downs and anxiety attacks at doing this on my own and leaving my family and still feel anxious at times, but I know it is the right thing for me so I am taking a chance. So don't give up trying, come out for a reccie and put in your application form. Don't look back, you need to move on with your life so take a chance... I hope it all works out for you. All the best

Emmjay :fingerscrossed:

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I have nothing to add other than to point out that you live in Selby? I'm originally from Goole just down the road :thumbsup:

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Sorry to hear your relationship ended but things happen for a reason and now you can concentrate on your dream of Canada.

Who got the dog??!

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Sorry to hijack the thread, but just wanted to say hi to el-richo, as he used to live near me. Goole, no offense, but no wonder you wanted to leave. I feel the same way about Selby!!!! :lol:

Emmjay

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I got the dog, the night I left I think it was more of a 'can't stand to lose my home, my partner and the dog in one go' and the dog was the only thing I could keep.. We stayed on my Mum's living room floor for 2 weeks before I found a room in a shared flat for me and pooch, rent's fairly steep because it's city centre but I needed to be able to walk back between lectures to let her out. It's been hard to justify keeping her because I'm going into the 2nd year of my course at the end of this month and life really would be a lot easier without her, but she's a rescue dog and don't think I could live with myself if I uprooted her again. She was also the reason I had to get out of bed every morning right after the break up so I reckon she's earned me making a few sacrifices in order to keep her :)