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Telling Family you are emigrating

Telling Family you are emigrating

Old Aug 29th 2006, 10:44 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by rae
this will sound very harsh, but... some people love to wallow in self pity and relish the attention this brings from some. regardless of age/infirmity this cannot be condoned. do not submit to blackmail in any form
This makes me smile as it sounds like my mother. I don't have any contact with my parents, and haven't done for a while now, they are not people i want to be around or want my children to be around, yet it still trickles back to me from various people that my mother is telling anyone that will listen what a selfish little b*tch i am taking away her grandchildren, despite the fact that she has probaly seen my eldest son twice this year (he is nearly 13 so we allow him to choose if he has limited contact with them) and she doesn't see the little chap at all, in fact she has blanked him on the street on more than one occassion when he has said 'hello' to her (he doens't bother now). I also have a younger sister and four neices and nephews, who i used to see all the time, until i told them about us wanting to move to Canada, this was before last christmas, since then i have seen my sister 3 times (only because i bumped into her in the street!) she is now always to busy to take my calls, or be in, or to visit me ! (she thinks i am making the biggest mistake of my life, and can't see how i could possible give up my house, or nice furniture "Oh but you've just brought a new sofa" !?!) i will carry on trying with my sister but to be honest i've just about had enough of the lot of them and can't wait to go, i am concentrating on my family unit, my OH and my two boys, as we feel that what we are doing is the right thing.
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 11:21 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Well have had a visit from my in laws today and as FIL is very opinionated was waiting for another guilt trip if I am completely honest. However, totally the opposite ! Of course they are very sad to see us go they do realise that we have our life to lead and back us all of the way.

FIL and MIL do travel extensively anyway mainly to Aus and NZ so the trip would be a doddle to them. Spoke to one of OH brothers also today and the only comment he could muster was that we would have to get a large house as he has 3 kids now !!!

Very refreshing after all of the stuff with my mom. Unfortunately that situation remains the same as ever with NO contact from either side.

Like my BIL said if we don't do this we will end up at 60 or 70 saying what if.
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 12:25 am
  #78  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by burton bunch
Well have had a visit from my in laws today and as FIL is very opinionated was waiting for another guilt trip if I am completely honest. However, totally the opposite ! Of course they are very sad to see us go they do realise that we have our life to lead and back us all of the way.

FIL and MIL do travel extensively anyway mainly to Aus and NZ so the trip would be a doddle to them. Spoke to one of OH brothers also today and the only comment he could muster was that we would have to get a large house as he has 3 kids now !!!

Very refreshing after all of the stuff with my mom. Unfortunately that situation remains the same as ever with NO contact from either side.

Like my BIL said if we don't do this we will end up at 60 or 70 saying what if.
Good for you! ..... keep the doors open to your mum though, then if she doesn't come round it is entirely her fault, and you will have nothing to feel guilty about! Just be firm about why you are doing this, and that it actually has nothing to do with the way you feel about her. It is for YOUR family, YOUR future.
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 12:32 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Morwenna
Good for you! ..... keep the doors open to your mum though, then if she doesn't come round it is entirely her fault, and you will have nothing to feel guilty about! Just be firm about why you are doing this, and that it actually has nothing to do with the way you feel about her. It is for YOUR family, YOUR future.
Thanks Morwenna.

Everything that everyone has said does on here does make sense but it doesn't stop the hurt I feel. It's on my mind all day long and I wake up in the night imagining stuff as if I am dreaming it. Do I make sense or am I rambling ?
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 12:43 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by burton bunch
Thanks Morwenna.

Everything that everyone has said does on here does make sense but it doesn't stop the hurt I feel. It's on my mind all day long and I wake up in the night imagining stuff as if I am dreaming it. Do I make sense or am I rambling ?
Of course you are making sense, and of course you feel hurt, but try not to feel guilty nor get angry. It's destructive, and it festers. I feel like I could give my MIL a shake when I feel she is being unreasonable. I didn't talk to her for a while after we had a confrontation that left us both in tears.

Then last time hubby was on the phone to her I asked to have a chat, and she said whe thought we might have had a falling out, and I just said of course not, and we chatted inconsequentially of this and that. I don't know if she'll ever come round, but I'm gonna do my damnedest not to let unnecessary barriers come between us. She'll always be welcome to come visit, but it's up to her when or if that'll happen. I'm not going to raise the subject again nor beg her to change her mind.
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 10:32 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by burton bunch
Are our parents related ?

We are going to Lethbridge Alberta were are you thinking of ? My hubby has a job there and also we have friends and family there it's not as though I am going to somewhere I don't know anyone so I think that my mom should at least feel as though I am gonna be cared for.

She has said some unexcuseable things and it has got no better a week later than breaking the nenws to her. She is in fact just puching us further away each day and her attitude is very "frosty" indeed. Thought Mancunians were supposed to be warm and friendly!
thinking of nova scotia, mainly for the reason that its the closest point to the uk and just a 5 hour flight. we were thinking of france and we had the parents full backing on this, but as soon as we mentioned canada the s";*hit the fan. i was under the immpression that they would say "howwonderful" wasnt expecting the response i got. my parents have travelled the world and have at least 3 holidays every year so to me they would have just made one of those holidays canada,then we would have been able to see them at least annually, so when my mum said that they would only visit us the once i was shocked and to be honest then you start to question the whole thing, i.e are we doing the right thing, should i take her grandchildren away from her, then i start to think, oh well we wouldnt have got in anyway. it just makes you doubt the whole thing. but then again youve only got one life and you have to live it to the max. just think that when making a decision about this you have to take the parents out of the equasion,otherwise the only answer your going to come up with will be not to go.hope it all goes well for you and that they dont continue to put you on a guilt trip.luv flipflop
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 3:11 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Morwenna
Good for you! ..... keep the doors open to your mum though, then if she doesn't come round it is entirely her fault, and you will have nothing to feel guilty about! Just be firm about why you are doing this, and that it actually has nothing to do with the way you feel about her. It is for YOUR family, YOUR future.

I couldn't have put it better myself !!!! Occasionally when people say things like "I will never come to see you" or "You will never see me again" it can be difficult for them to backtrack because of their own pride. It's therefore necessary to make it very easy for them to change their minds and to let them know that the invitation will always be open, regardless of how they feel right now.
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 4:25 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

After putting 110% into a 3 week vacation with my visiting parents, which they thoroughly enjoyed, now taking my vacation ;-) My step-dad would move here (mentioned it on a few occasions) if it weren't for the pensions rules. I've told them i DON'T want them to move here for those reasons, unless the rules change. If only the system was more fair. Next year he retires and my mum works at a school, so they have mentioned extended vacations. Guess my parents have made it easy for me. I feel so lucky. Ironically, this makes me want to make the effort to be with them much more.


Originally Posted by H143
It really is tough the whole parent thing. Although my parents have been behind me I know they are extremely sad about it. They did say to me once that they have never told me how they really feel and implied how much it was hurting them. I have asked them over and over to tell me how they really feel so that I can make a proper decision, but I guess they aren't going to tell me. It's pretty obvious I guess.

I can honestly see myself only being in Canada for about 5 or so years and moving to where they are before they hit 70. I'd love to live in Canada for the rest of my life, but I'd also like to look after my parents when they are old and not regret having 'deserted' them for the rest of my life.

Too bad we can't just move family, friends etc with us somehow.
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 7:03 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by windward
Good advice (and true), but there is a balance to be found surely? You only get one set of parents after all.

Though I'm one of those people that believes some things are definitively unforgiveable... Better to be the bigger person, then when they get over it and realise their mistake there are still channels open?
most definitely for reasonable people acting like the mature adults they are, not for the polar opposite i'm afraid. we will keep the channels open, as i agree wholeheartedly with what you say, unfortunately i can't see it being reciprocated. this is the kind of woman who would have the final say on her death bed.
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 7:05 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by wonderwoman
i am concentrating on my family unit, my OH and my two boys, as we feel that what we are doing is the right thing.
so you should to, karma sent, all the best
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 8:56 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

I have been reading this forum for a couple of weeks now and it has become quite addictive. However, on the subject of telling your family you are emigrating I can offer two points of view. In 1992 our only son was in the last year of his PhD at Bristol. He met a Canadian girl and decided she was the one for him. She returned to Vancouver in 1993 so after completing his studies he went out there to visit her. He just dropped into U.B.C., asked for the relevant department and enquired whether they had any openings suitable for him. He didn't know a thing about work permits etc. but after meeting the head of department and explaining what he had studied he was offered a job on the spot! This was in the September. They did all the paperwork for him so by December that same year he was living in Vancouver. When he broke the news to me, I was at work - not the best place to learn that your only child is off to what I thought was the other side of the world. However, we couldn't possibly stand in his way as openings in his field of work are very limited in the UK and gave him every encouragement. We told him if you don't do it when you're young you never will. I didn't feel he was abandoning us and although even now Christmas is not the same, he had to do what was right for him. From the first time we visited him in Vancouver we could see why he chose to live there. In 1995 he married the girlfriend and in 2003 and 2005 they presented us with grandchildren. We have visited every year and in between times see the children via a webcam.

Last year he asked if we would consider going to live there as he wanted us closer particularly now they have the children. Oh, and he said he couldn't get decent Yorkshire pudding.

Would we ever! He submitted the sponsorship application in January this year and according to the CIC website they might look at it within 28 months after which it has to go to the CHC in London for further investigation.

Both my parents are deceased but I do have a mother in law. We are dreading telling her of our plans even though my husband does have a brother living very close to her. She is the sort of person who cannot even understand why we would go abroad for a holiday! We have decided we will tell her if/when we get approval from CIC and although that will not probably be for another couple of years I am already having nightmares about it. I know it will be my fault for dragging her son half way across the world but we are determined to do it as this is the one life you get and you must do what's right for you. There is no way she would ever visit us but I am sure we will come back to the UK from time to time to see friends etc. The few friends we have told have generally said great, but make sure the house is big enough for us to stay for at least a month!

I will be 60 next year and my husband will be 61 so we aren't as young as most of the people who subscribe to this forum but we are just as keen on getting there.

My grandmother emigrated to Canada when she was 70!
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 10:20 pm
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Never too late to live out a dream, perola
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 10:40 pm
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excellent first post, perola !!
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Old Aug 31st 2006, 7:28 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Perola
I have been reading this forum for a couple of weeks now and it has become quite addictive. However, on the subject of telling your family you are emigrating I can offer two points of view. In 1992 our only son was in the last year of his PhD at Bristol. He met a Canadian girl and decided she was the one for him. She returned to Vancouver in 1993 so after completing his studies he went out there to visit her. He just dropped into U.B.C., asked for the relevant department and enquired whether they had any openings suitable for him. He didn't know a thing about work permits etc. but after meeting the head of department and explaining what he had studied he was offered a job on the spot! This was in the September. They did all the paperwork for him so by December that same year he was living in Vancouver. When he broke the news to me, I was at work - not the best place to learn that your only child is off to what I thought was the other side of the world. However, we couldn't possibly stand in his way as openings in his field of work are very limited in the UK and gave him every encouragement. We told him if you don't do it when you're young you never will. I didn't feel he was abandoning us and although even now Christmas is not the same, he had to do what was right for him. From the first time we visited him in Vancouver we could see why he chose to live there. In 1995 he married the girlfriend and in 2003 and 2005 they presented us with grandchildren. We have visited every year and in between times see the children via a webcam.

Last year he asked if we would consider going to live there as he wanted us closer particularly now they have the children. Oh, and he said he couldn't get decent Yorkshire pudding.

Would we ever! He submitted the sponsorship application in January this year and according to the CIC website they might look at it within 28 months after which it has to go to the CHC in London for further investigation.

Both my parents are deceased but I do have a mother in law. We are dreading telling her of our plans even though my husband does have a brother living very close to her. She is the sort of person who cannot even understand why we would go abroad for a holiday! We have decided we will tell her if/when we get approval from CIC and although that will not probably be for another couple of years I am already having nightmares about it. I know it will be my fault for dragging her son half way across the world but we are determined to do it as this is the one life you get and you must do what's right for you. There is no way she would ever visit us but I am sure we will come back to the UK from time to time to see friends etc. The few friends we have told have generally said great, but make sure the house is big enough for us to stay for at least a month!

I will be 60 next year and my husband will be 61 so we aren't as young as most of the people who subscribe to this forum but we are just as keen on getting there.

My grandmother emigrated to Canada when she was 70!
this is a great post, and a nice balance, do you fancy adopting us, 2x 30 somethings and a 6yr old cutie, house trained and willing to please.
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Old Sep 3rd 2006, 9:42 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Just thought I would give all you guys an update.

I actually decided to meet mom head on. Yes she did say a few things that hurt me and yes I did decide to shout some choice things back at her too - thought she deserved it really.

The conclusion of this is that I am kinda talking to my mom BUT she "doesn't want to hear about Canada anymore". Her loss thinkn she still thinks it wont happen but we as a family know differently.

One last thing on this thread is I would like to thank absolutely everyone who has replied to my thread. Everyones comments meant something to me and it also made me realise I was not alone in this world of leaving my mom behind

Thanx
Gaynor
x
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