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Telling Family you are emigrating

Telling Family you are emigrating

Old Aug 23rd 2006, 3:48 pm
  #46  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by SkiBunny
They are "never ever coming to visit us so don't expect to see us again"
Oh well, hope you will change your mind

Originally Posted by SkiBunny
"the flight is too long and we want a new kitchen"
Completely ignore that one !!!!!

Originally Posted by SkiBunny
I am "extremely selfish little bitch and don't care about the family"
Refer to my earlier post re your parents shouldn't have had you if they didn't want you to have a life.

Originally Posted by SkiBunny
My "Nan will die and it will be your own fault that you don't see her again and she'll die knowing you didn't care about her"
Yes she will die sometime, but it won't be your fault

Originally Posted by SkiBunny
They are "glad we had your sister so we have at least one daughter that loves us and can be bothered to be around"
At least your sister is under pressure as well then


Originally Posted by SkiBunny
They'll "have to invite people from the old folks home round for Christmas dinner seeing as we don't care enough to be there"
No point having a new kitchen if you don't put it to good use.


Originally Posted by SkiBunny
"The cost of living is so high everyone in Canada needs two jobs"
Eh?


Originally Posted by SkiBunny
"Everyone in Canada has nose bleeds" ?!?!

They really are running out of ideas now !

Ok, so if you did succumb to all this emotional blackmail and stayed in the UK just to please them would either you, or they, be happy?

Follow your dream, go for it. Regretting later that you did not will be the saddest thing of all.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 3:51 pm
  #47  
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Smile Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Investor - excellent answers - made me chuckle. Mrs G
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Old Aug 24th 2006, 9:10 pm
  #48  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

My parents didnt really say anything much when i told them but then they dont say much about anything anyway.......

I think they didnt believe it would happen until this year when we suddenly got medicals, went for a reccy trip, got passport requests etc etc.

I know they dont want me to go but for selfish reasons - theyve never said good on you, well done, go for it but theyve never really said anything like that to me anyway........

I am completely at ease about going and leaving them as i dont really get any support from them in any way about anything and if they want to be bothered to visit thats up to them

I am taking away three of their grand children and they will miss them but they dont really act as proper grandparents anyway. Its always a chore asking a favour of babysitting etc as there is always some excuse etc

So all in all ( i could be here all day profanicating), Canada is a place I want to live, where I want to bring up my kids and its my life so just because someone in your family is too shortsighted to see beyond their own selfish reasons that you shouldnt go, should not worry YOU.

You are the brave one, the one with the wherewithall to change your life for the better and unless anyone can change your life for the better here (thats a laugh!): GO FOR IT HAPPILY!
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Old Aug 24th 2006, 9:55 pm
  #49  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Families, oh the joy.

My parents live in Spain. Grew up in Germany, I left home at 16 came back to UK on my own, parents then moved to Spain. We have 2 children, their only grandkids, they moved to Spain for a better life, so completely understand our reasons for the move. Are prepared for low cost long haul flights, even though mother is scared of flying.

On the other, my wifes parents we haven't spoken to them in over 3 years. On our wedding day, my wifes mother asked her to choose between them or me (nice considering we had a 3 yr old daughter at the time). My wife obviously chose me!! We now have a son aswell, he is almost 2. They have never seen him and haven't seen my daughter since the wedding. My mother-in-law (or the witch as we now refer to her), refuses to acknowledge her grandchildren to friends and family....

The moral of this story, do what is best for you and your family, you have kids??? My wife and i had been engaged for 10 yrs before we wed, in that time 'the witch' had numerous paddies. What we are doing is for us, my wife, my kids and I. For what we can achieve as a family and for my childrens future. I will not let a bitter, resentful, person who can not see that change our plans.

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Old Aug 24th 2006, 10:23 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

From my limited experience on this board it appears that most of the posters are actually quite young and having been there and in the situation I am in today, probably older than many of you, the giving wings to fly to ones children is very heart breaking- if they decide to fly long distance.

The British economy in the 1970s to the early 80s was a nightmare and Canada had economic stability and we found decent paying jobs here. Families were very supportive - their thrill was being able to come and visit us here every year and nothing negative was said. They had given us the wings to fly here.

As time has gone by though, the close relatives are alone in the UK and with their only children abroad, it is tough for us both. They need help and we can't give them it- can we bring them here - no, they are too old and just want to stay where they are. They did not impose any sanctions on us so why would we force them to do something they do not want to do?

So, living here, we are not able to help our closest and dearest. That is awful. Worse is seeing my neighbours bringing their parents around for Sunday dinner. Lovely for them, but my heart breaks when I see that I cannot do that for ours. We take our vacation time to visit them every year and go across when there are emergencies- more and more of those. It can be very stressful.

Our children grew up with visits in the summer and occasionally a Christmas visit but not the normal family connections, and they don't seem to have the same connections that we had with our grandparents and family, despite writing letters to all of them every week and speaking on the phone regularly. That is also the same with other British friends. All our children seem to have the wandering genes and move around much more then our neighbours' and friends' children.

My point is that if you want to come to Canada somehow try and persuade your parents to come for long periods- even pay for their tickets- good Christmas and birthday gifts in our experience. It may be expensive but it is worth every penny. Some British friends have bought a summer cottage and the grandparents come here for 6 months and that is great for the kids because the grandparents are effectively living here. Wish we had been able to do that and planned in advance. Now the relatives might also feel a connection here.

The final knife in the heart was, when speaking to a dying aunt, she told me how happy she always was to see me back, as my leaving the family had in fact devastated all of them, though they did not want to upset me. She thought that as we were happy and had a good life we would now accept knowing that, but I also think she wanted to finally let me know how sad our parents had been for all those years. I am not angry with her - she obviously dealt with the stress of my parents being on their own.

Obviously my desire to help our parents is mine - others may not feel that way but this time in life suddenly comes upon us.. If we had thought about everyone getting older we would probably had planned a better solution. So bear that in mind - if you do come here and leave sad parents, think about them as they are getting older. One of my friends now has to go back to UK for 2 months 4 times a year to help her mother. A sibling fills in with the other time - but stressful for everyone.

Life is hard going back and forth and making decisions on the phone with the consultants (if they now accept speaking to you because of the new privacy laws) and the social workers and cleaners and neighbours. It is a blessing when you can be there for them and the lesser of the stressful situations. And think, who will be there for you when you are old?
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Old Aug 24th 2006, 10:27 pm
  #51  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

We told everyone as we were thinking about it, applying and then when it got close to moving. OH Mum burst into tears but didn't blame us as she is German living in UK and understands that we may want to live elswhere too, Now she has been and visited and seen where we live and what we've got she is really pleased, she is 80 years old and my hubby is her only child. She gets emotional every now and then but she is happy for us. We thought we were going to have loads of problems with her as she is very emotional when it comes to her son. My Mum however didn't give a hoot until the day before we flew, then we got a bit of a guilt trip! Get them occasionaly now on the phone too. She hasn't been out yet and has said that she will probably see her brother in Miami before she comes here, I've tried not to be upset but when you know they haven't got a lot and it's cheaper to come here than it is to go to Miami (where she has been countless times) it's a bit confusing. I guess pay back for emigrating!

On the whole, although we haven't had much support in our decision and there were some angry words, both sets of parents have come round, the more troubling one came round quicker, I guess it's 'cause she visited and put her mind at rest.

I hope your Mum comes round, you've just got to stick to your guns and not give in to her pleas of not to go, she'll end up regretting it more if she stops your dreams!
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Old Aug 24th 2006, 11:04 pm
  #52  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

[QUOTE=Liana]From my limited experience on this board it appears that most of the posters are actually quite young and having been there and in the situation I am in today, probably older than many of you, the giving wings to fly to ones children is very heart breaking- if they decide to fly long distance.

The British economy in the 1970s to the early 80s was a nightmare and Canada had economic stability and we found decent paying jobs here. Families were very supportive - their thrill was being able to come and visit us here every year and nothing negative was said. They had given us the wings to fly here.]


Liana, an excellent post, and as another expat who came out here in the 70's I agree with every word. I have already posted my response, but wanted to let everyone know that regardless of present circumstances with parents and inlaws, 25 years down the road it's better not to have deep regrets. I'm not saying don't emigrate, just do it with eyes wide open and not severing ties with close family. Make provision for when the parents need support, and make sure they can come visit often even if you have to pay for it. My biggest guilt trip now is the fact that my kids grew up without the benefit of grandparents or aunts and uncles, cousins, close by. Something to think about.
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Old Aug 24th 2006, 11:19 pm
  #53  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

What a fantastic thread to read!

I have to say, I am one of those few people who have had very supportive parents and I feel for each and every one of you who have had negative reactions from your parents/family.
My brother already lives out near Toronto and is expecting his first child in a weeks time. Last week my medical request came through....you can imagine how my parents must be feeling knowing that both their kids will be living in Canada and their first grandchild is Canadian!! With that said they haven't once made us feel bad for emigrating or fallen out with us or given us the 'guilt trip'. The have been fantastic to say the least!

In fact, they see it only as a postive step. They are now planning on selling their family home to buy something smaller and also buy a small house in Canada. Spend 5-6 months a year in Canada and simply enjoy the best of both worlds! My dad often says that Britain doesn't have a lot to offer us young adults anymore in a country that is opening its borders to all the EU countries with no border controls. Its a shame Britain didn't adopt the same strict Immigration procedures as Canada years ago!

My advice, although its not suitable for everbody, is to tell close relatives right from the get go. It gives them a long time to get used to the idea and when the paperwork finally does come through the news doesn't come as such a devestating blow.

Good luck to all
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Old Aug 25th 2006, 3:57 pm
  #54  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

i told my parents as soon as we decided to go , they totally ignored the whole issue as if it will go away , now my eldest son has his study visa he is going ahead of us next week , and all the put downs have come out , how i am ruining both my kids life , all i have worked for , for the last 20 years i am throwing away , what a waste of life i have had , i am losing 2 decent cars !!! my life will be a mess , and on it goes. it has been a hard decision and they were there when my eldest had the choice to stay with them and carry on with his career here or come with us and retrain , he choose to come , so now i have poisoned his mind

in some ways it will be nice to go , they seemed to have controlled me most of my life in some way , but the last retort this morning was , "" when you get frost bite in the winter from the freezing tempretures , make sure you have enough insurance to cover it as we won't help you ""

so i live to fight another day

roll on moving
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Old Aug 25th 2006, 4:34 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

It was hard telling my mum, but I did say that it might not be forever but would like the oppotunity to try, the worst thing is that at nearly 70 she's my dads carer, dad has dementia and doesnt even know me anymore. worst bit was when my sistee rung and accused me of running away , even asked if I would be "bothered" to get a flight home when dad dies!... Since then Mum came over around 4 weeks ago and had a falling out with my OH over nothing and she hasn't been over since, paul did apologise but she wasn't having any of it, we used to see her every week so I think its her way of detaching from us, its a shame though as the kids think they've done something wrong..... Pauls mum has been fine and just said go for it.
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Old Aug 25th 2006, 4:50 pm
  #56  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

another thought. possible reason for such reactions as listed-jealousy.
the world has opened up and this generation have more opportunity and knowledge then ever before. this is begrudged i feel and highlights opportunity lost, from some of our parents.
I think that might have a lot to do with some of what gets bandied around.
When I first looked at moving over, I got told by my grandparents that my great uncle (British-born, emigrated for £20 or something stupid) had once had a huge farm in Alberta - he outlived his wife and had no children, so when he came to write his will he simply told everyone back home in the UK that anyone who fancied moving out there to take care of it could have it.
Nobody at the time had the chutzpah, so on his death, the farm and the land went to his staff instead... My Nan told me it was one of the biggest regrets of her life that her parents hadn't taken her out there - her Father refused to give up his coalmining job in Co. Durham of all things - but she was still always trying to convince me that I shouldn't go.

People here are talking about having your extended families wrapped around you and your kids - but plenty of us - through divorce or one too many bachelors in the recent branches of the family tree or fall-outs or whatever - don't have that anyway. My fam effectively consists of my step-grandfather, my Nan, my brother and his wife, and my Mum.

Never done me any harm

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Old Aug 25th 2006, 5:41 pm
  #57  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Liana
From my limited experience on this board it appears that most of the posters are actually quite young and having been there and in the situation I am in today, probably older than many of you, the giving wings to fly to ones children is very heart breaking- if they decide to fly long distance.

And then there are some of us who have the 'now or never' option. We are not exactly young but if we don't go soon we will be too old to be accepted. I cannot think of anything more sick or disgusting than waiting around for someone to die so that you won't feel bad about leaving them. So the one remaining elderly rellie has given her blessing (as I knew she would) and will be coming to visit as often as possible.

Liana, although you sound very depressed about your situation you cannot know how things would have panned out if you had remained in the UK, and personally I think it is better to regret something you did do than something you didn't do (excluding criminal acts of course)
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Old Aug 25th 2006, 8:34 pm
  #58  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

[QUOTE=Investor]And then there are some of us who have the 'now or never' option. We are not exactly young but if we don't go soon we will be too old to be accepted. [/QUOTE

That is exactly our position. Our elderly parents are all (reasonably) fit and well. They may live another 10-15 years! Who knows? If they had been ailing, it would have made it much harder to jump when we did, and we know there will be times in the not too distant future when they get will sick and we won't be there to help in any physical sense. That is frightening for them, especially the MIL, and painful for us.

It's still weighing up the relatively short-term future of one person, against the possible benefits in the much longer term for the rest of the family, especially our children. We couldn't have waited out the possible demise of any of our elderlies and still have been able to come.... simple as that.

It is not an easy decision, but we don't think (at this time) that it is the wrong one. Things may well get bloody in the future, and we shall have to deal with it.
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Old Aug 25th 2006, 8:52 pm
  #59  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Investor
And then there are some of us who have the 'now or never' option. We are not exactly young but if we don't go soon we will be too old to be accepted. I cannot think of anything more sick or disgusting than waiting around for someone to die so that you won't feel bad about leaving them. So the one remaining elderly rellie has given her blessing (as I knew she would) and will be coming to visit as often as possible.

Liana, although you sound very depressed about your situation you cannot know how things would have panned out if you had remained in the UK, and personally I think it is better to regret something you did do than something you didn't do (excluding criminal acts of course)
No, certainly not depressed - just sad that I cannot help as much as I want to. As we get older it is hard to deal with family problems when thousands of miles away and when we are young we never think of being old. My advice was in my post - do what you have to do but try to make provisions for any really close relatives that may need help and help them visit you as much as they want.

If someone is not close to their family then that is not a problem but why would those who are close be waiting around for someone to die Helping family is a blessing for those who do that. And even helping those family members who are distressed about you leaving is a good thing- giving them all the support they need does not mean that you are forbidden from following your path.

Support is what is necessary and that means from both sides.
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Old Aug 25th 2006, 8:57 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by AnnetteM
....to which I'd have to say, "Canada is my home, Mum". For my children, I never regretted our decision, but to this day, especially after Mum died, I have so many regrets over the hurt and pain she must have felt. And worse, I did not make it back to see her before she died. I arrived a day late.

So, I guess my feeling is please make your peace with your mother. Go ahead with your plans, but stay in constant contact with her, see her as often as possible. Don't let her dictate to you, just understand that lashing out is her way, she's hurting. I know if my daughter took my grandchildren away from me now, it would break my heart. So just imagine how your Mum must be feeling. Go easy with her, and don't end up with regrets.

I know that's mixed messages, but you can make it work.
This is exactly what many of us have to face. Well said Annette
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