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Telling Family you are emigrating

Telling Family you are emigrating

Old Aug 23rd 2006, 9:06 am
  #31  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Hi I'm SkiBunny and my parents have also gone psycho about me moving to Canada <sigh>

They have known from the first time we discussed the possibility. We may only be going for a couple of years 'for the experience' rather than fully emigrating, but they can't cope.

They are "never ever coming to visit us so don't expect to see us again"
"the flight is too long and we want a new kitchen"
I am "extremely selfish little bitch and don't care about the family"
My "Nan will die and it will be your own fault that you don't see her again and she'll die knowing you didn't care about her"
They are "glad we had your sister so we have at least one daughter that loves us and can be bothered to be around"
They'll "have to invite people from the old folks home round for Christmas dinner seeing as we don't care enough to be there"
"The cost of living is so high everyone in Canada needs two jobs"
"Everyone in Canada has nose bleeds" ?!?!

I could go on. It does help seeing on here that I am not the only one putting up with this, and that in some ways my parents could almost be considered "normal" LOL
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 9:23 am
  #32  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

another thought. possible reason for such reactions as listed-jealousy.
the world has opened up and this generation have more opportunity and knowledge then ever before. this is begrudged i feel and highlights opportunity lost, from some of our parents.
who has had "you are getting ideas beyond your station". we have, on buying our 'big house', which MIL has insisted we sell ever since, and going for promotion, which over the 3yrs it took in exams etc, constantly remarked, 'why can't he be happy just doing what he is doing'. this is my point, we are seizing upon chances that were never there for them, i wonder if the OP asked what they would have done 30yrs ago. our MIL was looking to go to S.Africa!!, yet still opposes our move
do great whites still feed of the coast there?
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 9:26 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by SkiBunny
Hi I'm SkiBunny and my parents have also gone psycho about me moving to Canada <sigh>

They have known from the first time we discussed the possibility. We may only be going for a couple of years 'for the experience' rather than fully emigrating, but they can't cope.

They are "never ever coming to visit us so don't expect to see us again"
"the flight is too long and we want a new kitchen"
I am "extremely selfish little bitch and don't care about the family"
My "Nan will die and it will be your own fault that you don't see her again and she'll die knowing you didn't care about her"
They are "glad we had your sister so we have at least one daughter that loves us and can be bothered to be around"
They'll "have to invite people from the old folks home round for Christmas dinner seeing as we don't care enough to be there"
"The cost of living is so high everyone in Canada needs two jobs"
"Everyone in Canada has nose bleeds" ?!?!

I could go on. It does help seeing on here that I am not the only one putting up with this, and that in some ways my parents could almost be considered "normal" LOL

Hmm, I would be tempted to say...

"So your new kitchen is more important than see me, is it? Happy, in my new place...my happiness isn't important to the family..."

In reality, this would be in my head and not said and I would just feel guilty, as I do now....

Distance has helped enormously with my perception of my family, even more distance possibly won't make much more difference but it really does help to get away from an environment, if only temporarily, where people can be that mean to you.

There are often threads like this on the Oz forum, so you are def not alone.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 9:30 am
  #34  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by SkiBunny
Hi I'm SkiBunny and my parents have also gone psycho about me moving to Canada <sigh>


I could go on. It does help seeing on here that I am not the only one putting up with this, and that in some ways my parents could almost be considered "normal" LOL
i think this is where this is heading, a good cathartic release for those of us who thought only our parents and in laws were reacting badly. clearly its more often than not. lets go for worst things said then.
"i'm writing you out of my will" a classic.
"you'll split up, you're not strong enough" agony aunt insight
"who'll look after me when i'm old" heartstring tug.
"i've raised your child and now you are taking her away from me" bad parent angle.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 9:37 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by rae
i think this is where this is heading, a good cathartic release for those of us who thought only our parents and in laws were reacting badly. clearly its more often than not. lets go for worst things said then.
"i'm writing you out of my will" a classic.
"you'll split up, you're not strong enough" agony aunt insight
"who'll look after me when i'm old" heartstring tug.
"i've raised your child and now you are taking her away from me" bad parent angle.
I have a friend who says you raise children to give them away.

I do think there is an element of jealousy. My FIL once spent a happy half-hour telling me about all the opportunities we have as we don't have kids, like they did which "encumbered them" - watched OH visibly wilt as he went on to say, given their time again, they would have travelled more than have had their children.

My mother certainly has fits of jealousy - lots of "It ok now but..." with a doom laden end of sentence.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 9:37 am
  #36  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

[QUOTE=burton bunch]Have just come back from Canada with a job for my hubby and had to start to tell family and friends. WHAT A B£$%%Y NIGHTMARE!!!! :scared:

What do I do now ? No intention of letting my mom's outburst stop us coming over there but she is my mom after all.

thought i'd answer this bit directly as it seems to have been overlooked a bit, as everyone, me included, has said, so you think you've got it bad, well let me tell you
mother or not, its you and yours that are most important now and always. taking someones opinion into account depends on the respect given to the issue when the answer is delivered. going off on one, gets no one no where and puts you back into a pparentchild ttransactioninstead of adult to adult( sorry bit of psycho analysis there)
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 9:44 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

[QUOTE=rae]
Originally Posted by burton bunch
Have just come back from Canada with a job for my hubby and had to start to tell family and friends. WHAT A B£$%%Y NIGHTMARE!!!! :scared:

What do I do now ? No intention of letting my mom's outburst stop us coming over there but she is my mom after all.

thought i'd answer this bit directly as it seems to have been overlooked a bit, as everyone, me included, has said, so you think you've got it bad, well let me tell you
mother or not, its you and yours that are most important now and always. taking someones opinion into account depends on the respect given to the issue when the answer is delivered. going off on one, gets no one no where and puts you back into a pparentchild ttransactioninstead of adult to adult( sorry bit of psycho analysis there)

Indeed, there is a thread I think on Moving back to the UK forum, where the OP moved ack to the UK because of the emotional guilt trip and since haven't bothered to see the grandkids hardly at all.

http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=386720

Charlie don't surf - the blog is also good for a bit of reading about parent-child-grandchild interaction!

http://britishexpats.com/blogs/hutch...s+day+....html
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 10:03 am
  #38  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Stuarty
When all else fails remember why you are doing this, its for a better life for you and yours, they had their life and made their own choices. Harsh I know but I for one don't want to be sitting at 70 wishing I had tried but it is too late to do anything about it.
Stuarty

In complete agreement here Stuarty,
We all have one life and have to do what's right for us and hopefully our children and their future (although we all know there are no guarantees there).
I have been a devil daughter in law, firstly for dragging my hubby and children from Manchester to the East Coast of Yorkshire 9 years ago. I mean a whole 90 minute drive!!!!
After a few visits, hubby's dad wanted to move over
a) because he would be near us and the grandchildren
b) because it's a beautiful, quiet place where we live

The MIL on the other hand would not move. Unfortunately FIL died the year after we moved here and MIL is still living in Manchester, on her own, in an area which goes worse every day. Of course. we worry about her as she's 73 and a little scatty and unsteady on her feet but in perfect health otherwise.

Yes we could wait until she passes away before we emigrate but she could live another 20 years! By which time we may not be in a position to do it.

My Mother well, to cut a long story short buggered off when I was 11 to live with a man sh'ed been seeing since I was 9 months old. (She moved from Manchester to South Wales) to do what was right for her.
She moved back to Manchester when I had my 1st child in 1990 to be near her grandson, (I had another two over the next 2 years) she caused untold havoc telling me how to bring them up correctly !!! so we fell out.
We moved to yorkshire to get away from her, then my brother followed with his new wife and young son. My brother has MS and soon after the move here, his wife met somebody else and left him......guess who moved up to look after him.

The first we knew she was here was when one of my lads saw her shopping in the local supermarket! she said she hadn't moved up to see or be near us, only to look after my brother and his son. My kids were devastated! so for their sakes I made moves to get her back on side, be welcoming etc..etc..

Since then, my brother has fallen out with her for telling him how to bring his son up,(the woman never learns) so it's left to me to take her shopping, to hospital appointments and generally play the dutiful daughter.

Now my mother is only 61 and when I told her we were going to Canada her first question was ' well who's going to look after me as I get older'?
She needs me to stay here - and ignore what's right for me, well that's just tough!

Sorry for such a rambling post and I know everybodys situation is different, I guess what I'm trying to say is we all make decisions throughout our lives that affect others in some way. As Stuarty says they had their life and made their own choices, so must we.

I appreciate not everyone is as cold hearted as I am and the emotional turmoil must be very hard for you and from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the very best of luck and hope you can reconcile any differences this new chapter in our lives brings.

Babs x
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 10:09 am
  #39  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Alan Prout
In complete agreement here Stuarty,

Sorry for such a rambling post and I know everybodys situation is different, I guess what I'm trying to say is we all make decisions throughout our lives that affect others in some way. As Stuarty says they had their life and made their own choices, so must we.

I appreciate not everyone is as cold hearted as I am and the emotional turmoil must be very hard for you and from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the very best of luck and hope you can reconcile any differences this new chapter in our lives brings.

Babs x
its not rambling, its good for you and us.
you're not cold hearted you are doing what is right for your future which you are perfectly entitled to do. listen, i have a hole dug, and if i don't fill it with my MIL i'll take your's for a crate of kronenburg . hows that for cold hearted.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 11:37 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

I have all of this to look forward to and my mum has MS so major guilt in store. But I believe that it is better to do something that you may regret than to not do something and always wonder 'what if'.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 12:00 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by sinope
I have all of this to look forward to and my mum has MS so major guilt in store. But I believe that it is better to do something that you may regret than to not do something and always wonder 'what if'.

Exactly what i keep telling everyone. I dont want to look back in 10 -20 years time and think ...why didn't we do it etc. LIfes to short.
As my dad is a Only Fools and Horses fanatic i told him yesterday...............HE WHO DARES WINS.

OR you could always use one of my favourite words.....CARPE DIEM.......seize the day.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 1:31 pm
  #42  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

This thread has been great I thought I was the only one who was having problems. Note to Skibunny - I feel I am living the same life as you with the comments on the thread above they are echoed in my life. Chin up I guess for us all. Mrs G.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 3:14 pm
  #43  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Hipster Contrarian
We have so long to wait before we know that for the time being we are keeping it a secret: it just seems like way too much hassle to tell everybody, deal with the fallout, and then possibly be rejected anyway.


Yep that's what we felt. Just couldn't face having everyone asking us how far things had progressed every time they saw us. Even when you explain the length of time involved with the application they would probably still ask you anyway.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 3:17 pm
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Investor
Yep that's what we felt. Just couldn't face having everyone asking us how far things had progressed every time they saw us. Even when you explain the length of time involved with the application they would probably still ask you anyway.
Husband was really fed up with friends and family always asking if we heard anything, how much longer, when will you be going, still here???????? now we can at last say we leave 14th september
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 3:28 pm
  #45  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by Investor
..... Even when you explain the length of time involved with the application they would probably still ask you anyway.
Yes they do, and yes you quickly develop the desire to punch them on the nose!

But we still felt it was better to tell family early rather than later ourselves, to give them time to get used to the idea. I had the thought that if you spring it on them at the later stages and then move while everyone is still in shock then things may never be resolved.

Unfortunately the shock can settle into a deep-rooted resentment that no time can remove .... but then that probably would have happened either way, and that really is down to the individual who is feeling it. Their problem, not yours, is what I'm saying. We felt we at least had to give them the opportunity to "come round" to the idea ... how they react then is beyond your control to a large extent. Can be very sad, but they're only human, and most people will feel their own needs more keenly than they do others. Some are better at hiding it, is all.
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