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Telling Family you are emigrating

Telling Family you are emigrating

Old Aug 22nd 2006, 9:33 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

I really understand how you feel. We had been looking at moving abroad for some years now we looked at France, Spain etc but it didnt feel right, My Husband had visited Canada before and has always loved it. We visited Canada in 2005 and both finally decided that Canada was the place for us.

Im an only child (although now 36) married with 1 son, when I told my parents they didnt take it well. After a few weeks Mum said "You have to do whats best for you and your family", Dad cried for a week and now neither of them ask anything about it.
We are very close as I see them nearly every day, they have my Son over school holidays and attend his swimming lessons and football matches.
We are hoping to go back to Alberta just after Christmas and are dreading telling them about our holiday.
My Husbands family are a different matter altogether.. his Mum wont speak to us, his brother also wont speak to us (problems re divorce) but his Dad comes to see us weekly and is also ignored by his ex-wife & son...their loss.
His Dad will miss us but cant wait to visit either.

When we get the medical request I will start to mention it again,
as they only have 1 grandson whom they adore, I think that they will find it really hard. Hope I dont get the guilt trip of " your taking my grandson away".
On the brighter side....
Thank god for cheap airfairs, its only a 9 hour flight away... thats less than 1/2 a day.
not to mention a better way of life and those mountains....


Hope things work out ok for you

x
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 9:53 pm
  #17  
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My parents used to have my daughter after school and school holiday's etc, this has now stopped since our "last" fall out. They see that not seeing their granddaughter as much may help when we move. Not so sure this is a good idea or will help in the end, feel like they are loosing out on time with her more. I think they feel abandoned and growing older dosn't help as they concentrate on "the end" more than they should - "who's going to look after me when one of us goes". I personally wouldn't want my daughter putting her life on hold to look after me when I am old and can't go to the toilet myself. Hope your parents who are having problems with your decision to move to Canada visit you once you are there mine have said they will not, cheap flights or not. "I've made my bed so I will have to lie in it" (another quote of many). I wish there was an easy answer to all of these problems I am a year down the line with them and don't have any answers to help people with the problems they will go through, heartache, tears and I have yet to come to the move yet. Mrs G
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 10:11 pm
  #18  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

I told my mum when I started gathering all the stuff for my application, and it would be a lie to say she was overly joyous to hear I was going away. Every time I brought it up when I talked to her on the phone, she'd change the subject, she clearly didn't want to believe I was actually going. It took some time before she finally understood that I was going whether she liked it or not, and then she slowly started mentioning it and asking questions, and by the time I got my medicals, she had accepted it all.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 10:13 pm
  #19  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

We have been talking about it for just over 6 years now but dont think anyone actually believed we were going to do it, now we have got the wheels in motion i think they have realised that it is going to happen sooner or later.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 10:18 pm
  #20  
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there are the plus points for me that i don't have to pretend i like the MIL anymore, i can just ignore her and feel vindicated!!
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 10:21 pm
  #21  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Well you and I seem to be in the same boat i am an only child too and I think that this makes it harder for her to swallow as it is not as though she has another son/daughter to fall back on.

Or is the natural reaction of a Mancunian ????

I am more annoyed at her as she never even rung my daughter on her mobile to check if she was ok and to say sorry for upsetting her.

Makes me wonder if it's all worth it. but in the next breath I know that it will be. Just a bit frightened if she will ever speak to me again as I know she is capable of doing. Won;t be that long until hubby is out there as HRDSC stuff already gonen off and he should be over there by Feb 2007 and the rest of to follow 6 months later.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 10:27 pm
  #22  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by burton bunch
Well you and I seem to be in the same boat i am an only child too and I think that this makes it harder for her to swallow as it is not as though she has another son/daughter to fall back on.

Or is the natural reaction of a Mancunian ????

I am more annoyed at her as she never even rung my daughter on her mobile to check if she was ok and to say sorry for upsetting her.

Makes me wonder if it's all worth it. but in the next breath I know that it will be. Just a bit frightened if she will ever speak to me again as I know she is capable of doing. Won;t be that long until hubby is out there as HRDSC stuff already gonen off and he should be over there by Feb 2007 and the rest of to follow 6 months later.
you may have a point, seems a lot of posters here from N.W., say what a like like what i say, i say, appears to be the mentality. my MIL has put mrs g through hell, i've stayed out of it at her request, which is possibly the most difficult thing i have ever done. i will be armed in canada which should be reason enough for the wicked witch of the west to stay away. mind you, it'll probably take silver bullets to kill her.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 10:36 pm
  #23  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

believe it or not reading all this has made me feel better!!

We first wanted to move to the USA way back in 2000 and I even sat teaching exams in Phoenix and passed but we couldn't get employer sponsorship. Way back in 77 I had originally wanted to go to Canada after spending 4 months there but until I met my husband I didn't have the guts or energy to do it. We told everyone about our wish to go to the States and got rubbished - told our heads were in the clouds, we were living in dream land etc..... When we eventually applied for Canada in 2004 we kept it quiet - only a few family members knew, partly as we needed support from our Canadian relatives to prove family connections.

we had a big barny one night with the MIL and she went mad, when I mentioned we wouldn't be coming back and everyone could visit us - she kindly informed me - I'll send my son the money to come and see me - it is nothing to do with the money but having watched all the other relatives who have emigrated come back and do the auntie/uncle visit routine we decided against this - at least coming to us is a holiday.

MIL is very clingy - constantly on the phone to let hubbie know her picture has went on the TV, she has won a million pounds (junk mail!!), her video won't work - you name it anything to get him to come up - she even phoned him in hospital to come up and check a letter she had got - he couldn't even stand never mind walk and had been told he could have died at any moment - that was the day of the big barny as I blew my top when I found out.

We eventually told my parents a few weeks ago - my dad was great and he actually told my mum for us, my mum said that was great, but not to be too disappointed when we are rejected - very supportive.

I can't wait to get away from them all - we could have as a family emigrated over 30 years ago, my dad wanted to but my mum didn't want to leave her family - who are now all dead. Dad seriously regrets it and loves visiting Canada.

My priority is my family - my children's future - I don't want to be like my dad and regret it in years to come. They all have a bit of money and are perfectly fit enough to travel so they can come and visit us and their grandchildren.

don't let them get to you - they should be happy for you and realise that your happiness is the most important thing.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 10:46 pm
  #24  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by No1_mom
believe it or not reading all this has made me feel better!!

My priority is my family - my children's future - I don't want to be like my dad and regret it in years to come. They all have a bit of money and are perfectly fit enough to travel so they can come and visit us and their grandchildren.

don't let them get to you - they should be happy for you and realise that your happiness is the most important thing.
here here. i don't want to diminish the importance of this thread, but it is just gagging for MIL jokes.

i always know when the MIL is coming to visit,
all the mice throw themselves on the traps.

i had trouble keeping the kids away from the fire, until i put a picture of the MIL there.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 11:27 pm
  #25  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

I have a soft spot for the MIL - a frickin swamp

(only kidding V, you're long gone but never forgotten RIP).

Rich.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 11:28 pm
  #26  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Originally Posted by burton bunch
Have just come back from Canada with a job for my hubby and had to start to tell family and friends. WHAT A B£$%%Y NIGHTMARE!!!! :scared:

My mom has gone off like the atomic bomb and said some very hurtful things to me ending in us not talking to each other. THis is hurtful as I am an only one and being worried about her reaction spoilt the joy of my hubby getting the job and also the holiday I have just spent a fortune on.

What do I do now ? No intention of letting my mom's outburst stop us coming over there but she is my mom after all.

Just feel dreadful and just can't seem to pull myself up out of the depths of gloom.

Anyone else suffered with a bad reaction from parents
Just to give you my experience, which is over 30 years ago. My Mum and Dad knew all about our plans, but probably didn't believe we'd do it. Eventually, we got the visas and set June 1st as our date to leave the UK. My dad died suddenly on Feb 28th, he was only 62. My sister had a falling out with my Mum, which left only my brother who lives 2 hours away, and me. I told my Mum I wasn't going to leave her. She said, you have to go, you may never get another chance. And we did, with breaking hearts. She came to visit a couple of times and loved it here. And after 5 years, we went back to visit her pretty much every year, until she died two years ago at the ripe old age of 90. We stayed close by phone and our visits. She never, ever said anything negative about us leaving until more recent years, when she realised we were staying in Canada after all, so she'd say "why don't you come home", to which I'd have to say, "Canada is my home, Mum". For my children, I never regretted our decision, but to this day, especially after Mum died, I have so many regrets over the hurt and pain she must have felt. And worse, I did not make it back to see her before she died. I arrived a day late.

So, I guess my feeling is please make your peace with your mother. Go ahead with your plans, but stay in constant contact with her, see her as often as possible. Don't let her dictate to you, just understand that lashing out is her way, she's hurting. I know if my daughter took my grandchildren away from me now, it would break my heart. So just imagine how your Mum must be feeling. Go easy with her, and don't end up with regrets.

I know that's mixed messages, but you can make it work.
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Old Aug 22nd 2006, 11:47 pm
  #27  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

I am very fond of my dogs, but I would put them in kennels to go on holidays.

I have friends that I met on this board. They have been in Regina now for about three years. I remember her telling me that her Mom had one of those temper tantrums - all about how terrible she was leaving her and how she would never come to see them and all that stuff. I can't remember how long it was that her Mom didn't speak to her after she found out they were planning to emigrate.

However, she seems to have got over it now. I believe my friend is going home for a holiday in September to visit her family. I don't think her Mom has a computer but like someone says, phone calls are pretty cheap. I talk to my Mom almost every day.

If your parents have a computer it's great to talk on the webcam.

My sister and I tried to have a conversation the other day. She had her 11 year old and 9 year old granddaughters over there plus the neighbour girl who is around 10.

I have to admit it was rather difficult trying to talk. The kids found it far more fascinating to make faces and look at themselves in that little square in MSN Messenger. I said "If you want to see yourself - why not go and find a mirror and let us talk in peace?" Oh - and we also had the dog up there on the desk as well, as he's not terribly small. So what with three kids making faces and the dog licking them - it all made for a rather haphazard chat!!
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 8:17 am
  #28  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Our friends emigrated 2 years ago and we had already discussed with my parents that we were going to visit them with a view to consider emigrating ourselves. Just to sow the seed of thought
When we came back we told my parents that we were going to go ahead as husband had job offer and would be going out as soon as possible. Unfortunatly house sells have dragged and dragged which has held the move up as we wanted to go with money to buy house there straight away. So after much thought we decided just to go for it anyway and rent while waiting for house to complete. Parents had been used to all the talk etc for the last 8 months and had been fine.

We then set a month to go (August)............ my mum then became extremly ill and was even planning songs she would have played at funeral as they thought it was cancer Husband thought i would change my mind about going but i didnt. SPoke to parents and said "there is NEVER going to be a good time to leave and i will only be a day/flight away." I was more guilty that i had caused her to be ill
Well, house chain broke and we cancelled going in August. Then decided to go again and set date for September. Mum improved and consultant thinks she is now on road to recovery Booked flights and told everyone it was definate this time ........ went round to tell parents and there was silence followed by "your sister was here today to let us know she has split with partner".. great, and here i was giving them more bad news, i felt awful. Since then they have been supportive and understand why we want to leave but have said they obviously dont want us to go. Yesterday they came round while husband was at work dad said ..."are you sure you want to go....you dont have to if you dont want to....etc" Told them i do want to go but dont want to leave them, while on the verge of tears. They said thats fine they just wanted to check husband was not pushing me. So they remain supportive but say they cant get used to the fact i will not be just around the corner (literally!) for them to pop in and see but would not stop me from going.
Sister came round last night, as she is renting our house, to discuss furniture. Told her how high the rip of quotes are to ship furniture. She thought it was crazy and asked why i didnt just buy new over there. TOld her "ermmm well i dont know, its my stuff and i would miss it/want it round me". "oh right" she said "you can leave your family and friends behind and not care but not your fricking(or words to that effect!!) sideboard" ...... well i was stunned to silence i can tell you. I dont want to argue with her or anyone else as i just remind myself i will be leaving a hole in there lives here and i know it will be hard for them. She left shortly after and we were laughing together by that point.

So that, i assume, is the start of the guilt i am going to have thrown my way

Sorry for rambling on and on but have had a sleepless night.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 8:29 am
  #29  
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Your message brought tears to my eyes! What an emotional thread this is turning out to be.

What a good message you write. I totally agree with you. Make your peace with your family before you leave if you can. If you are living in Canada feeling guilty and as though you shouldn't be there, you are never going to enjoy it.

It's the same with everything in life. Make your peace with people and live every day like it's their last. One day it just might be and you will regret even the tiniest things you would have done differently.


Originally Posted by AnnetteM
Just to give you my experience, which is over 30 years ago. My Mum and Dad knew all about our plans, but probably didn't believe we'd do it. Eventually, we got the visas and set June 1st as our date to leave the UK. My dad died suddenly on Feb 28th, he was only 62. My sister had a falling out with my Mum, which left only my brother who lives 2 hours away, and me. I told my Mum I wasn't going to leave her. She said, you have to go, you may never get another chance. And we did, with breaking hearts. She came to visit a couple of times and loved it here. And after 5 years, we went back to visit her pretty much every year, until she died two years ago at the ripe old age of 90. We stayed close by phone and our visits. She never, ever said anything negative about us leaving until more recent years, when she realised we were staying in Canada after all, so she'd say "why don't you come home", to which I'd have to say, "Canada is my home, Mum". For my children, I never regretted our decision, but to this day, especially after Mum died, I have so many regrets over the hurt and pain she must have felt. And worse, I did not make it back to see her before she died. I arrived a day late.

So, I guess my feeling is please make your peace with your mother. Go ahead with your plans, but stay in constant contact with her, see her as often as possible. Don't let her dictate to you, just understand that lashing out is her way, she's hurting. I know if my daughter took my grandchildren away from me now, it would break my heart. So just imagine how your Mum must be feeling. Go easy with her, and don't end up with regrets.

I know that's mixed messages, but you can make it work.
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Old Aug 23rd 2006, 8:37 am
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Default Re: Telling Family you are emigrating

Different point of view: sometimes a geographical and psychological distancing from family can be a good thing. In my case, I benefitted enourmously. So much so that I'm actually debating whether or not to tell my family I'm moving back to Canada. The logistics of how to swing that cat are something I'm still working out ( if anyone has any ideas, do let me know ).

I have missd my family and they have missed me and at times it's been painful. But, I have grown to fully appreciate the distance and separateness and do not want that to change. I know other ex-pats have had this experience as well. It's not necessarily a bad thing.
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