struggling to settle
Feb 23rd 2017, 12:17 pm
#46
Slightly Canadian
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: St. John's, Newfoundland
Posts: 10,129
Re: struggling to settle
Excellent insight mate. True on many counts. At one point in time I strived for this move also, but the dynamics shifted when the kids grew a bit and started school, and I took stock and focussed on the positives of what we had, and my mindset changed. Yes I was content as Id ever been. Dare I say it almost 'happy'. But it was 'too late'. We had our visas, invested an insane amount time, money(still do), effort and stress into this country (CA) and my wife maintained it was her dream and she 'had to do it'. We gave up everything. But I gave up more. (In terms of employment security). Im afraid to say resentment has in fact developed a little. Its all down to individual preference and experiences ( and Im not knocking Canada as a whole or intending to disrespect the people etc, as it is a nice enough place with the odd little advantage over the uk) some disadvantages also so its swings and roundabouts. But, as a warning to others out there who feel the thought emigrating is exciting, if you are fed up with your lot and think a dazzling new life of 'happiness' awaits you because the sun shines a few more months of the year or whichever materialistic or superficial reason you have, please have a word with yourself. This place is like any other in the world. Its just a place. Suppose you wont ever really get it until you live and breathe it upclose for yourself.
Firstly, the Canadian dream has to work for the whole family. And thats really difficult. My wife is Canadian, thats the reason I live where I do. There have been times in the past decade when I've really wanted to move back to the UK but it would probably have come at the price of a divorce. Once you add kids into that mix (both born here) then it becomes much more complex. I am, to all intents and purposes, stuck here.
You came as a family and presumably you could go back as a family if needed. I do urge you to talk things through thoroughly with your Mrs as this is something that you don't want to let fester. Ultimately, you or her may have to make your peace with a course of action & get on with life. But you know that already.
The other thing that it sounds like you are coming to realise is that life is pretty much the same wherever you live. Sure, things are different in Canada but we still have to live, work, buy groceries etc. As you say, Canada is a place. Nothing more nothing left. I really don't see my life as being much different in many respects as if I still lived in SE UK. Less of a commute sure, bigger house sure, opportunity to do some recreational things I couldn't do in the UK sure, but everything else? Same sh1t different shovel!
Wish you all the best. Emigrating is tough. Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster!
Feb 23rd 2017, 4:35 pm
#47
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,113
Re: struggling to settle
Excellent insight mate. True on many counts. At one point in time I strived for this move also, but the dynamics shifted when the kids grew a bit and started school, and I took stock and focussed on the positives of what we had, and my mindset changed. Yes I was content as Id ever been. Dare I say it almost 'happy'. But it was 'too late'. We had our visas, invested an insane amount time, money(still do), effort and stress into this country (CA) and my wife maintained it was her dream and she 'had to do it'. We gave up everything. But I gave up more. (In terms of employment security). Im afraid to say resentment has in fact developed a little. Its all down to individual preference and experiences ( and Im not knocking Canada as a whole or intending to disrespect the people etc, as it is a nice enough place with the odd little advantage over the uk) some disadvantages also so its swings and roundabouts. But, as a warning to others out there who feel the thought emigrating is exciting, if you are fed up with your lot and think a dazzling new life of 'happiness' awaits you because the sun shines a few more months of the year or whichever materialistic or superficial reason you have, please have a word with yourself. This place is like any other in the world. Its just a place. Suppose you wont ever really get it until you live and breathe it upclose for yourself.
Your right in that you will never really get it until your up close living and breathing it. I do miss certain aspects from the UK, but not enough. I left there for a strong reason, and i had a strong reason pulling me to Canada....both still exist, which is why things are working out.
As you say "if you are fed up with your lot and think a dazzling new life of 'happiness' awaits you because the sun shines a few more months of the year or whichever materialistic or superficial reason you have"
just wont cut it, Ill admit some of that was a very small part of the pull, but by no means the sole reason, and i had personal reasons pushing me from the UK.
If i were you, and your wife is still enjoying "the dream", then try and live that with her...what does she like about it so much to call it "the dream" If she isnt then, there is no point in staying here any longer, Id cut you losses, but if she is, then if i were you id give it at least a year....maybe 18months and it that time, maybe focus on things that you can only do in Canada and not in the UK, and try to put the things you can only do in UK and not in Canada to the back of your mind, that part of your life doesnt exist anymore, so its no good pining for it.
Just my thoughts on how to cope if you and your wife are not on the same page.
Paul.
Mar 5th 2017, 10:12 pm
#48
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 44
Re: struggling to settle
Other than your children, what led you and your wife to come here in the first place? What were you hoping for? Other than the children did you find it?
It's easy to sometimes see the future in rosy spectacles, but unfortunately even easier to see the same recent past in the same way on bad days.
Very best of luck
The difficult situation currently is my wife is still adament "it's just better here" and would feel returning is both a mistake but would create resentment towards me.. talk about a no-win situation
Last edited by Statham2016; Mar 5th 2017 at 11:13 pm.
Mar 5th 2017, 11:05 pm
#49
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 44
Re: struggling to settle
Congrats!Are you stuck with the place you are living and the horrible commute, or could you move elsewhere? I think resentment will build if you have to keep up the rotten hours. Canada isn't for everyone, but a lot of people settle in one place, hate it and then return to the UK.. whereas had they moved to a different area, they might just have found that balance they were looking for.
I personally think 9 months is too soon to make a decision, but I would definitely investigate the possiblity of moving elsewhere, somewhere where you can spend more time at home or doing fun things and less time stuck in traffic and paying high rent!
One thing I would say though is you need to stop comparing one country to the other - it doesn't help a bit.
I was fortunate, I felt at home here from the 1st day of the 1st visit and have felt the same ever since.. but for others it takes time. Don't beat yourself up over it, see if there are changes you can make to improve it! (and yes, how you feel counts too - don't forget that).
Mar 5th 2017, 11:07 pm
#50
Assimilated Pauper
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Ontario
Posts: 40,018
Re: struggling to settle
Not really. Your partner is more important than your location so you just have to come to like, or endure, the location.
Mar 6th 2017, 12:39 am
#51
Banned
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: SW Ontario
Posts: 19,879
Re: struggling to settle
.........and better to have a reasonably happy parent to have fun and some quality time with, than an exhausted, miserable and grumpy one that never has time to do anything.
Your quality of life is as important, you know... and if moving elsewhere in Canada, where you have more time to enjoy life - and your kids - will make for a happier life for all, do it.
Last edited by Siouxie; Mar 6th 2017 at 12:42 am.
Mar 6th 2017, 12:44 am
#52
Just Joined
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 20
Re: struggling to settle
[QUOTE=Statham2016;12184991] Gave up everything anyone needs in life back home to try 'the dream'. Sought after career, modest home in nice enough area, financial security, good work / life balance etc. Currently pursuing the same here in Ontario granted under a more blue sky at times. But without established friendships, family support. /QUOTE]
Reading you posts is like I have written them myself. I think having had a good life in UK to begin with is part of the problem. If we had left to pursue jobs or the fact of knowing we would be leaving for a better life we would be content now.
We have started our fifth year here and even more alarmingly started off in Alberta, then briefly BC, and now Ontario ! to at least say we have tried another province before heading home, (expensive to say the least). Like you, we had a good life in UK, good jobs, etc, but felt the need for a change and complained about UK. Can relate 100% with everything you have said, which makes it even harder to swallow, as it is like a realization now. I do believe we are very good at adapting....for a while anyhow. I don't want to end up feeling bitter and we have seen some amazing places and experienced so much, but home is home. I am under no illusion that going back won't be difficult but if I feel that is where I belong now. I wish you well in your decision making and hope all works out.
Reading you posts is like I have written them myself. I think having had a good life in UK to begin with is part of the problem. If we had left to pursue jobs or the fact of knowing we would be leaving for a better life we would be content now.
We have started our fifth year here and even more alarmingly started off in Alberta, then briefly BC, and now Ontario ! to at least say we have tried another province before heading home, (expensive to say the least). Like you, we had a good life in UK, good jobs, etc, but felt the need for a change and complained about UK. Can relate 100% with everything you have said, which makes it even harder to swallow, as it is like a realization now. I do believe we are very good at adapting....for a while anyhow. I don't want to end up feeling bitter and we have seen some amazing places and experienced so much, but home is home. I am under no illusion that going back won't be difficult but if I feel that is where I belong now. I wish you well in your decision making and hope all works out.
Mar 6th 2017, 3:04 am
#53
Forum Regular
Joined: Feb 2017
Location: https://t.me/pump_upp
Posts: 261
Re: struggling to settle
My 2c is that if you are really, truly unhappy somewhere after 9 months then cut your losses and go where you will be. Yes, you may have a nice house, you may have kids who do well in school, a happy wife. But I can testify that being in another country can be very isolating when you need family. In the past 3 years while I have been living in Australia I have got divorced, been demoted with the accompanying $15k pay cut, had my youngest child commit suicide and had to put my mother in a nursing home. Let me tell you that there is nothing I needed more during any of those times than to be near my sisters and brothers.
My new partner and I have applied for a visa for him to come live with me back home in Canada, but now it looks like I might need to put that on hold. My ex husband is moving 5 hours flight away and if I move to Canada that would leave my daughter alone here.
My new partner and I have applied for a visa for him to come live with me back home in Canada, but now it looks like I might need to put that on hold. My ex husband is moving 5 hours flight away and if I move to Canada that would leave my daughter alone here.
When people move they don't take all these things into account.
Mar 6th 2017, 4:09 am
#54
Still alive
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,994
Re: struggling to settle
In my opinion Canada and Australia are not in the same category. I chose not to move to Australia, because it was so far away from the UK and air fares are expensive. In Canada I visit the UK every year. It takes about 7-8 hours and air fares are cheap.
When people move they don't take all these things into account.
When people move they don't take all these things into account.
Mar 6th 2017, 2:22 pm
#55
Happy
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 2,942
Re: struggling to settle
My 2c is that if you are really, truly unhappy somewhere after 9 months then cut your losses and go where you will be. Yes, you may have a nice house, you may have kids who do well in school, a happy wife. But I can testify that being in another country can be very isolating when you need family. In the past 3 years while I have been living in Australia I have got divorced, been demoted with the accompanying $15k pay cut, had my youngest child commit suicide and had to put my mother in a nursing home. Let me tell you that there is nothing I needed more during any of those times than to be near my sisters and brothers.
My new partner and I have applied for a visa for him to come live with me back home in Canada, but now it looks like I might need to put that on hold. My ex husband is moving 5 hours flight away and if I move to Canada that would leave my daughter alone here.
My new partner and I have applied for a visa for him to come live with me back home in Canada, but now it looks like I might need to put that on hold. My ex husband is moving 5 hours flight away and if I move to Canada that would leave my daughter alone here.
