pammiej

Some of you may know me from other threads in which, most recently I poured my heart and basically looked for empathy/sympathy about our recent situation..in a nutshell, my OH and I moved over in may with our 18 month old..I gave up a decent career as a property lawyer to be a stay at home mum whilst OH pursued what seemed like a really good job opportunity. Of course, he got shafted after six months, we are rapidly running out of money and life just seemed like it couldn't get any worse last week...hence the emotional outburst on another BE thread.

So my dilemma is this...I have a return ticket for 25th october which I have, aftr much dilly dallying decided to use to go back to the UK for a 'break', see my mum and for my 2 year old to have time with her grandparents. My OH is staying here to see if he can get a job and obviously because we can't just move back as we, neither of us have jobs, home or a pot of money to return with!

My question is....will I want to come back? I know that six months is not enough time and I know that I wasn't prepared enough to deal with the reality that the Canadian job market doesn't really want another solicitor and that it is just unfortunate that my OH got shafted by his employers but what is the best thing to do? If we wait it out, I try to requalify, he carries on looking for a job and if need be takes any old job, how long should we give i before we know whether or not staying in Canada or returning to the UK is the best thing to do?

The longer we stay, the longer I have been out of the job market (ironically I left at exactly the wrong time for property lawyers!), the harder it will be to get a job, make money, pay for a container etc....get our lives back on track etc etc etc....

I guess, my actual question is should I even go back now and risk wanting the familiarity and comfort of the UK or should I just stick it out for another six to eighteen months to be able to make a reasoned decision as to whether we can stay?

Again, I know most of the answers will in the end be personal to me but this forum has just been so great in helping and giving me things to think about particuarly when I was at my lowest point - Poppy2 - thank you - that I just need some more help.

Judy in Calgary

Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough patch, pammiej. I don't know the right course of action for you, but just wanted to wish you all the best.
x

amardan

I am so sorry you had a bad time of it and by the sounds of things it hasn't improved. It is a really difficult situation as you have kinda left behind your life in the UK and if you go back it will be from scratch. But on the otherhand your life is very unpredictable in Canada also. I think when you go back for the break you clearly deserve it might put things into perspective for you and help you reach the decision that you clearly want to make. I wish you all the best and offer you a virtual hug as it sounds like you need one.

Take care and good luck

pammiej

Thank you so much....I can't express just how much it has helped to get everything off my chest and to know that virtually anyone reading these posts have been through the same or similar experiences and can actually empathise with what i am going through....since making the decision to go back just for a 'break', I have felt much better in myself - I have actually felt more positive about what we have done for six months and am trying to look at what we have achieved, but then of course, there is always that ever present reminder of what we have given up, so swings and roundabouts every moment of the day and if we end up going back for good at some point, lots of people will be more than happy to say 'i told you so'....but hopefully, more will be happy that we at least tried it and won't actually live wondering 'what if'....but havng said that, if we end up giving up and going back, will we always be wondering 'what if we had stayed longer??'

You can see how I am driving myself mad with all these questions - that is why I think I need to get away and get some perspective on the whole thing...so yes, thank you hopefully the break will do me good and give me a clearer idea about what I want...

pgtips

Pammiej it does not matter who says 'I told you so, or whatever'.
The only thing that matters is you and your husbands happiness.

If things are not working out for you in Canada remember you always have a home in the Uk and there is nothing wrong with returning if this is where you and your husband were truely happy and were prospering.

Do not try and be a people pleaser and feel compelled to justify to anyone your initial reasons for your move to Canada.

I have heard so many stories of British professionals moving to Canada and their hard earned qualifications not being recognised and some even being forced to take on menial jobs to get by. I find this disgusting.

Anyway just do what is best for yourselves.

dexdaw

Really sorry to hear about your situation Pammie. For what its worth I think you answered one of your questions for yourself. If you go back, you will definitely feel the pull of home more. Its inevitable unfortunately.

londonhatter

Hi there

Its not really any of my business and we have not yet emmigrated (Planning for next June) but my wife and I have discussed that I will have a tough time settling (Wife is Canadian) and its not going to be easy.

If I encounter tough times and start thinking about the uk I would really hope one of my friends would give this advice

Get over the uk, youre not there now you are here. You need to toughen up and concentrate on how to make life better where you have chosen to live.

Sorry if the advice above is a bit tough. I just think that as long as you have in your mind that the uk is a potential getout then you are not really focusing on the real task.

Still, thats easy for me to say as I am still in the uk. Also for what its worth the uk is still the same screwed up, morally vacant, crime ridden mess that you left behind for a new life in Canada.

Ooh thats me on my soap box...

Summer-Caitlin

Hi

I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time.

I do feel that you 6 months is a very small amount of time to base this decision on. It doesn't help that Canada has now been tainted by your husband's employer screwing him over. You owe it to yourself and your family to think long and hard about this decision, as you say, look at the positive side of things and what you have acheived in the 6 months you have been there!

I have lived in three different countries and it has taken me a long time to settle in (not so much in Australia) but I do. You have to think about the reasons you moved to Canada in the first place, does Canada still offer the things that you thought it would, or would it in the forseeable future?

I have been back in the UK for a long time now, have given it a chance and I know I am just not happy here, even if I had a huge house, no debt and a great job, I would not be happy here. I do feel grateful though that I have given it a go as I can leave knowing I tried.

You are obviously feeling pretty low right now and although I feel you deserve a break, maybe going back to the UK might not be the best idea. I hope I don't sound uncaring, but going back to familiar surroundings, family etc, might make you all the more homesick and may cloud your judgement. You really need to discuss this with your husband, without family, who although want the best for you, might be swayed by the chance that you just might come 'home'.

I really wish you both the best, keep your chin up hon

dinger24

Sorry to hear your situation and for what its worth thought I might throw in a bit of my experience. I have been in the army for a long time and I have seen hundreds of young lads and young couples turning up. A very high percentage get depressed very quickly and go back home. This usually sets them up (not always) as the soldier/couple that goes back home every leave. The ones that sit down and stick it out usually become the independent ones. Every one is different. If this is your first time away from home (as in time and cost of travel etc) then you are probably feeling very in secure, a lack of close reliable friends, new surroundings etc all takes it toll. The money situation is the real heartbreaker for you and the family but you need to bite the bullet and get some sort of cash coming in, it wont answer all your problems but you have to have the cash to get on with life and to take the opportunities that will make you and your family enjoy the down time. Only you can decide whether you should go home, but if you never give it a go then you will always regret it!
You may have to work in an unskilled job etc to begin with but it might not be all bad - networking from a new perspective may in some cases be the key to a hidden route to achieve your goals?

ireland2canada

Hi. Might I say, good for you for being brave enough to put yourself out there & admit that everything isn't rosy. Two things struck me about your message.

First of all, you know deep down that 6 months is not long enough to make a reasoned decision about your life in a new country - I say this because you would not be agonising if you didn't apppreciate that fact.

Secondly, you have to ask yourself these questions - if your husband was gainfully employed & doing well, if money was not a major concern - would you be considering a return to the UK?

What I am trying to say is, do you dislike your new life purely due to your work issues? Or are you using these problems as a reason to go back home to family and the familiarity you have left behind? There is a lot to be said for feeling homesick, even if you don't realise that's what you are experiencing at the time. Don't let it cloud your judgement, I'm sure you and your family worked so hard to get to Canada in the first place. Tread carefully with this trip back to the UK, it's difficult to be objective when you are feeling so emotional.

Anyway, I wish you all the best.

sans

Pammie if what i have read in the moving back forum is how you are really feeling....... then i think you have answered your own questions.
Listen to yourself, thats all i'm saying ........Good Luck

ctcrm

ive got an idea of how your feeling with previous military experience going away, coming back, going away, family disruptions, it was always harder if you knew that home was nearby, than if you knew there was no way back, its like an invisible carrot although you cant actually see it you just know its close enough to touch.

youve just got to get into the mindset of 'accepting' where you are thats your home now put your head down and crack on.

having that lifeline of an airline ticket is that carrot mate, put it in a pan boil it up and have it with a roast beef dinner !

i know there is nothing anyone can do or say that will make any difference, it will all boil down to your own mindset and that carrot your going to have for tea tonight !

sans

Mmm Being in the army...theirs know comparison to emigating perminently. Army you have security of the job and its away of life.

Emigrating to another country, their is know back up, know where to run and know real help......Your basically on your own............. And when you have know jobs, kids to feed its a totally different ball game..........and very scarey.

ctcrm

of course its know (no) comparison!

but its a similar feeling and similar to the life line theory, once you know there is no going back it does make it slightly easier to concentrate on moving forward than constantly looking over your shoulder for a way out.

Hope that helps.

Poppy2

REALLY glad to see a thread from you and to see that you are finding support, as I knew you would.

I dont know enough about where you are and what the job market is like, or what immigration issues there are in looking to another province, do you need to retrain to apply for the same jobs in another province etc.

To me, it sounds like you need to work back out of this situation to return home, so maybe the choice to stay can wait until you have done that. I wouldnt make a choice right now.

Its hard to not blame a place for the trials you have suffered, I found that in New Zealand when we lived there. I personally never got over the first 6 months which were hell and I never warmed to the place. Though there were a lot of issues that I would never have found suited me anyway, it all got off to a bad start. Here however, though nothing is ever easy when you relocate with a family, I feel like this is home and I have so much more here than I would have in either the UK or NZ.

Is it a good idea to go home now? It could be and it may very well not be, but I would go and have some down time with familiar people and surroundings. I might make you want to stay there, it might make you feel like a guest (in the UK) and feel that you can come back with fresh legs for the job in hand.

I am certain with some hard work you can both find an employment solution, and I dont know where you are living now (you may have said apologies) but give us more info and maybe we can all look into it more for you. I am in Nova Scotia and I cannot say enough about being here, we love it and there isnt the demand on jobs like there are out west, mainly because this isnt a well paid province, but its worth a thought!

Hang in there, you arent the first immigrant to have hard times and you wouldnt be the first to wonder why you came, but there are many that have stayed and made a good life and many that have gone home and known it was right for them - let time and your heart and head decide.