British Expats - Scottish Quips !!!

MacDonald, charged with stealing a Porsche, angrily protested his innocence, and his lawyer got him acquitted. The next day he turned up at the police station. " I want you to arrest that lawyer of mine, " he said. "
But why ? " said the police officer. " He got you off, didn't he ? "
" Yes, but I didn't pay him, " replied MacDonald, " and now he's gone and taken the car I stole.

Foreman - " Do you think you're fit for hard labor ? " Donald - " Well, some of the best judges in the Highlands have thought so."

" Are you looking for work MacDonald ? "
" Not necessarily - but I'd like ajob."

Foreman - " How is it. Sandy, that you're only carrying one plank when the rest of the men are carrying two ? " Sandy - " Well, I suppose they are just too lazy to make a double journey like I do."

Scottish Newsboy -
" Great mystery ! Fifty victims ! Paper, mister ? "
Donald - " Here, lad, I'll take one." After reading for a moment, he said. " Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ? "
Newsboy - " That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty-first victim."

An Englishman was being tried for being drunk and disorderly. The judge asked him where he had bought the whisky. "
I didn't buy it. Your Honor," said the Englishman. " A Scotsman gave it to me."
" Fourteen days for perjury." said the judge.

Sandy was on his way home late one night when a neighbor beckoned him for help. " Here, " he said, " give me a hand to get this pig out of the truck." When they had got the pig out of his truck, the neighbor said, " Hold the pig still while I open the front door." Sandy did as he was told and the neighbor said, " Now help me push the pig upstairs. Sandy did that. " Now, " said the neighbor, " help me put the pig in the bathtub. After a great deal of effort they managed to put the pig in the bath.
" Look, " said Sandy, " what is going on here ? Why do you need to put a huge pig in the bathtub ? "
" I suppose you're entitled to an explanation." said the neighbor. " You see the problem is with my wife - she's one of those women who always knows everything. No matter what 1 tell her, she says, " I know, I know."
" But how is a pig in the bath going to help ? " asked Sandy.
" Well, tomorrow morning, " said the neighbor, " she's going to rush into the bedroom and scream at me, " There's a huge pig in the bath," and I'm going to lay back in bed and say to her, " I know, I know."

Cook: " Do you want me to cut this pie into six or eight pieces ? "
Sandy: " You'd better make it just six. I don't think Ican eat eight pieces."

Sandy was taking his girlfriend for a drive on his motorbike. As they passed a hot dog stand she sighed, " My, those hot dogs smell really nice."
" Hold on a moment, " said Sandy with great gallantry. " I'll drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

This fellow went to a Scottish doctor and said." Doc, I've got a poor memory. What do you advise ? "
" Well, " said the Doc, " for a start you can pay me in advance."

Did you hear about the very generous offer made my Mad Scotsman Books ? The bookstore offered $25,000 to the first person to swim the Atlantic Ocean.

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob ?
It's easy.
Take up a collection.

Sandy was so much troubled with his tooth that he decided to have it extracted. " How much will it cost ? " he asked.
" $50, " replied the dentist. " Isn't that a lot for only a few minutes work " asked Sandy.
" Well, I can pull it slowly if you like." said the dentist.
" Look," said Sandy, " here's $5. Just loosen it a little."

McNab was once run over by a brewery truck.
It was the first time for years that the drink had been on him.

Judge - " It seems to me that I've seen you before." MacDonald - " You have, your Honor; I gave your daughter bagpiping lessons."
Judge - " Thirty years."

A Highlander stopped before a grave in the village cemetery, containing a tombstone declaring: " Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."
" And, who would ever think," he murmured, " there would be room enough for two men in that one wee grave."

Sandy MacLeod was charged with shooting a number of pigeons, the property of a Highland farmer. Counsel for the defence tried to dissuade the old farmer. " Now, " he remarked, " are you prepared to swear that this man shot your pigeons ? "
" I didn't say he shot them, " was the reply. " I said that I suspected him of doing it."
" Ah ! Now we're coming to it. What made you suspect it was Sandy ? "
" Well, first, I caught him on my land with a gun. Secondly, I heard the gun go off and saw some pigeons fall. Thirdly, I found four of my pigeons in his sporran, and I don't think the birds flew in there and then committed suicide. "

Judge - " You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of the window."
Donald - " It was my Celtic temper. I did it without thinking, sir."
Judge - " Yes, I understand, but don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing on the street below."

" MacDonald, you've been convicted fourteen times of this offense - aren't you ashamed to own up to that ? "
" No, your honour. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of their convictions."

Better a small fish than an empty dish.
Better to have something to eat than nothing at all.

" I have a very unusual Scottish watch to offer you. It never needs a battery or any winding. It has no hands, and no face of any kind."
" But how can you tell time ? "
" That's easy. Ask anybody."

The Scotsman put a penny in one of them weighing machines. A card came out. It said, " You are a sober spendthrift "- it got his weight wrong too.

Golfer ( far off in the rough on the Old Course): " Say, caddie, why do you keep looking at your watch ? "
Old Scots Caddie: " It isn't a watch, sir, it's a compass. "

" Did you ever hear that joke about the museum in Scotland that had a skull of Mary Queen of Scots when she was twelve on one room, and a skull when she was thirty in another ? "
" No, " said the Englishman. " What was it ? "

" If William ' Braveheart ' Wallace was alive today he would be looked on as a remarkable man."
" Yes, he'd be more than 600 years old."

The minister was walking through the Highland village when he met one of his parishioners. " How's your cold, Donald ? " he asked.
" Very obstinate. " replied the parishioner.
" And how is your wife ? "" About the same. "

A burglar, who had entered the house of a poor Scot at midnight, was disturbed by the occupant. Drawing his weapon he said: " Stay back, or you're a dead man. I'm hunting for your money. "
" Let me switch on the light, " said the Scot, " and I'll hunt with you. "

Earth flew in all directions as the crimson-faced would-be golfer attempted to strike the ball. " My word, " he blurted out to his caddie, " the worms will think there's been an earthquake. "
" I don't know," replied the caddie, " the worms are smart here in St. Andrews I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."

The minister was at ease after service Sunday night.
" Many folks in church ? " asked his wife.
" Aye, good attendance - and a tourist was present, but I did not see him."
" But how do know ? "
" There was a twenty dollar bill in collection box. "

" These rock formations, " explained the tourist-worn guide, " were piled up here in the Highlands by the glaciers."
" Where are the glaziers now? " asked a curious old lady. " They've gone back, madam, to get more rocks, " said the guide.

The bonny young wife complained, " You love golf more than you love me. "
" Maybe so Fiona, " her husband replied, " but I love you more than I love fishing."

Sandy - " It's tough to pay 40 cents a pound for meat." Butcher - " Yes. But it's much tougher when you pay only twenty."

Sandy - " I noticed a your ad in the Highland Gazette this morning for a man to retail imported parrots."
Store Owner - " Yes, Sandy. Are you looking for a job ? " Sandy - " Oh, no; I just wondered how the parrots came to lose their tails."

Antique Dealer -" Here I have a very rare old revolver from the time of the Ancients Picts."
Tourist - " But surely they didn't use revolvers."
Antique Dealer - " Ah - that is why it's so rare."

Tourist goffer -" Well, how do you like my game ? "
St. Andrews Caddie - " I suppose it's all right, but I still prefer golf. "

Sailor's wife - " So, you'll be back from your voyage in four years, will you ? "
Sailor - " Aye, we're sailing from Scotland to all parts of the world In fact, I may be a back a bit late from this trip."
Sailor's wife - " Well, if you are, let's not have any of your old excuses about the ship going down and you having to walk home."

He that has a wife has a master.

In the Highlands they tell the story of a minister who had been badly beaten at golf by a member of his congregation thirty years his senior. " Cheer up, " his opponent said, as they returned to the clubhouse, " Remember, you win at the finish. You'll probably be burying me one of these days."
" Even then, " replied the minister, " it will be your hole."

A certain sportsman was playing over a golf course in Scotland, and playing very badly. " Dear, dear ! " he remarked at last, " there cannot be worse players than me ! "
" Well, well, maybe there are worse players, " commented the Scottish caddie, " but they don't play."

After the first hole, the Englishman turned to his Scottish opponent. " How many did you take ? " he asked.
" Eight, " replied the Scot.
" I took seven, so that's my hole, " said the Englishman. After the second hole, the Englishman asked the same question. This time the Scot shook his head. " No, no, laddie, " he replied, " it's my turn to ask first now."