Toontje

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

Voyager970

Nice one Toontje

Have sent you a PM with a good joke

willmore

No fair sharing jokes on the side. I want to see them too.

You guys have to share your jokes on this thread to everyone can enjoy that special Scottish wit......

Voyager970

Wilmore it was to rude to post

Have sent you a PM with a good one

Eddie or is it Eddy

willmore

You seem as lost as I am on the spelling of your name........

Toontje

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye **** ONE sheep...."

Toontje

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall,
holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes
they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A
penny for your thoughts, Eddie."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Eddie."

"Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Eddie."

"Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma
hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he
blushed as the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Eddie."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a
bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

willmore

hehehe - very good.

Voyager970

Brill, Funny as hell. I always knew I was a stingy, miserable, grouchy git

Voyager970

An Scotsman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat chick get on the
subway.

They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a
loud slap. When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint
on his face.

The blonde thinks: "Hmm, Englishman must have made a move for me, but
fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him".

The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on that
blonde and got slapped. Good for her."

The Englishman thinks: "Hey, that Scotsman must have went for the
blonde,and she slapped me by mistake!"

The Scotsman thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can
wallop that English *****er again"

It's GREAT to be Scottish.

No offence to our English cousins

Eddie

SirTainly

This would never work, the Scotsman would be too plastered to manage to hit anything on a moving train, plus he'd have his hands full, with a bag of tinnies in one and a pack of cards in the other.

Toontje

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."


"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

Toontje

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"