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Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Old Jan 22nd 2021, 2:33 am
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

I can appreciate how you feel after that experience, however it can be taken too far.

You can't live with fear for the rest of your life, nor should your daughter.

I learnt that 25 years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was lucky in that I did not have to have chemo or radiation, but I did have a mastectomy. I had a lot of sick leave saved up, and I took advantage of that fact to ease slowly back into work, which gave me time to reflect.

I could spend the rest of my life worrying about when (not if) I would get another cancer and die young, or I could be positive and believe the experts when they said there would not be a recurrence.

I had to go for mammograms every 3 months at first, then every 6 months, and finally every year ....... and I was told that would continue until the day I died, even if I had to go into care, "they" would come to me.

I will admit that I would worry when the next mammogram was booked and I had to sit, partly dressed, in the waiting room until the technician returned to say "You're OK" ............... or "I think we'll have to take some more mammograms", as happened on about 4 or 5 occasions. The worst was when it got to having to have a needle biopsy to clarify matters. But all turned out to be "anomalies", and I gradually came round to accepting this would happen, and went back to being positive.

Fast forward 16 years, and the "anomaly" turned out to be a very aggressive different form of breast cancer. Luckily it was caught very early, and I opted for another mastectomy, which again meant no chemo or radiation.

I've lived positively for the last 11 years. I get checked regularly, I try to take care of myself, but I don't worry!

I've become rather philosophical about it ............... what will be will be.

I assume your daughter is checked regularly, but that she lives a normal teenager life otherwise.


You say that she is interested in working at the racecourse, and hopes she would meet friends that way.

There are only about 8 fixtures a year at that racecourse, and I would dare say that the temporary jobs, if possible, are more likely to get bottoms pinched by older men than meet friends! Do think about what goes on at racecourses during a meet ................ including lots of drinking ....... and where the temp jobs are likely to be.
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Old Jan 22nd 2021, 2:45 am
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

When we have suffered a disease or illness or life threatening issue, it's a bit different to having our child suffer the same. Whilst as adults we might have a 'carry on regardless' mindset, when it comes to our children, we will always worry.
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Old Jan 22nd 2021, 12:16 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by scilly View Post
There are only about 8 fixtures a year at that racecourse, and I would dare say that the temporary jobs, if possible, are more likely to get bottoms pinched by older men than meet friends! Do think about what goes on at racecourses during a meet ................ including lots of drinking ....... and where the temp jobs are likely to be.
True as regards horse racing, BUT loads of other events also take place at the huge indoor spaces at the racecourse as well that also need catering and bar staff. Private functions, other festivals (including the 'body art' festival), large office christmas parties etc.
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Old Jan 22nd 2021, 1:06 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by Hurlabrick View Post
True as regards horse racing, BUT loads of other events also take place at the huge indoor spaces at the racecourse as well that also need catering and bar staff. Private functions, other festivals (including the 'body art' festival), large office christmas parties etc.
Office Christmas parties?
Bottom pinching pales in comparison
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Old Jan 22nd 2021, 2:09 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by Siouxie View Post
You could perhaps say to her that if she can show you that she can live on a budget and a low income and be responsible that you will consider her request to remain in Canada.
The whole post is sensible, but I'd rephrase the last sentence differently, to read,

'you will support her decision to remain in Canada'.

I assume the 18yo can legally stay in Canada without her parents.
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Old Jan 22nd 2021, 7:05 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

I can fully understand you situation. We are moving back to the UK next year when our son graduates from school and know quite a few other Brits who have done or doing the same. We have become very disillusioned and can't wait to go back to the UK. I have a 17 year son and a 20 year old daughter. We live in Victoria and it's a ridiculously expensive place to live and going downhill fast. We are fed up with living in a permanent construction zone which seems to go on forever and the garbage they are building in a lot of places is utterly depressing. My daughter was working 2 jobs plus studying for her degree to get by. She may stay behind to finish off her 2nd and 3rd year but wants to go back to the UK after. She has recognised for herself that the cost of living here is way out of whack with wages. My son doesn't remember much about the UK as he was 2 when we moved to Canada and has some trepidation about moving back to what he doesn't really understand. However we don't think he would survive here, certainly not in the lifestyle he is used to as he is not highly motivated and thinks the world owes him a living. I don't think he realises just how expensive this place has become compared to elsewhere including the UK. We have told him he is going back whether he likes it on not and said to either of them they can come back to Canada at a later date if they so wish to do so. We have Canadian citizenship so it's not a problem.

It's a tough call to make but we think it's a good decision for all of us. We had planned a visit last year for a month to see the children's reaction but had to cancel due to COVID and are just hoping we can get back sometime this year before we leave permanently.

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Old Jan 22nd 2021, 8:48 pm
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Cool Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by getoutofbritainquick View Post
I can fully understand you situation. We are moving back to the UK next year when our son graduates from school and know quite a few other Brits who have done or doing the same. We have become very disillusioned and can't wait to go back to the UK.
So I guess a user name change is going to occur soon
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Old Jan 22nd 2021, 9:15 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by getoutofbritainquick View Post
I can fully understand you situation. We are moving back to the UK next year when our son graduates from school and know quite a few other Brits who have done or doing the same. We have become very disillusioned and can't wait to go back to the UK. I have a 17 year son and a 20 year old daughter. We live in Victoria and it's a ridiculously expensive place to live and going downhill fast. We are fed up with living in a permanent construction zone which seems to go on forever and the garbage they are building in a lot of places is utterly depressing. My daughter was working 2 jobs plus studying for her degree to get by. She may stay behind to finish off her 2nd and 3rd year but wants to go back to the UK after. She has recognised for herself that the cost of living here is way out of whack with wages. My son doesn't remember much about the UK as he was 2 when we moved to Canada and has some trepidation about moving back to what he doesn't really understand. However we don't think he would survive here, certainly not in the lifestyle he is used to as he is not highly motivated and thinks the world owes him a living. I don't think he realises just how expensive this place has become compared to elsewhere including the UK. We have told him he is going back whether he likes it on not and said to either of them they can come back to Canada at a later date if they so wish to do so. We have Canadian citizenship so it's not a problem.

It's a tough call to make but we think it's a good decision for all of us. We had planned a visit last year for a month to see the children's reaction but had to cancel due to COVID and are just hoping we can get back sometime this year before we leave permanently.
BC is nicknamed "Bring Cash" for a reason - perhaps moving to another or cheaper Province might be easier, less disruptive to your children and less expensive than moving back to the UK. Your son may have difficulties adjusting to a completely alien way of life to what he is used to.. and the subsequent angst, anger and depression that may arise
Be prepared for reverse culture shock https://britishexpats.com/wiki/Cultu..._Culture_Shock

Good luck whatever you decide to do

Last edited by Siouxie; Jan 22nd 2021 at 9:21 pm.
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Old Jan 22nd 2021, 9:38 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by getoutofbritainquick View Post
I can fully understand you situation. We are moving back to the UK next year when our son graduates from school and know quite a few other Brits who have done or doing the same. We have become very disillusioned and can't wait to go back to the UK. I have a 17 year son and a 20 year old daughter. We live in Victoria and it's a ridiculously expensive place to live and going downhill fast. We are fed up with living in a permanent construction zone which seems to go on forever and the garbage they are building in a lot of places is utterly depressing. My daughter was working 2 jobs plus studying for her degree to get by. She may stay behind to finish off her 2nd and 3rd year but wants to go back to the UK after. She has recognised for herself that the cost of living here is way out of whack with wages. My son doesn't remember much about the UK as he was 2 when we moved to Canada and has some trepidation about moving back to what he doesn't really understand. However we don't think he would survive here, certainly not in the lifestyle he is used to as he is not highly motivated and thinks the world owes him a living. I don't think he realises just how expensive this place has become compared to elsewhere including the UK. We have told him he is going back whether he likes it on not and said to either of them they can come back to Canada at a later date if they so wish to do so. We have Canadian citizenship so it's not a problem.

It's a tough call to make but we think it's a good decision for all of us. We had planned a visit last year for a month to see the children's reaction but had to cancel due to COVID and are just hoping we can get back sometime this year before we leave permanently.
Hi, yes agree. Our daughter is extremely reluctant to come back, and we aren’t entirely sure she hasn’t got something up her sleeve; completely refuse to get on the plane perhaps....I don’t think so but I’m not entirely sure.

She’s highly unmotivated too, if she was like your daughter is, we would let her stay, she’s like your son, and she’s on her phone all the time.

Her Dad and I was saying that too today before I read this... If she can prove herself in the next year in the UK, get a job, save money, etc etc, she can come back to Canada and we would even help her get set up, but in the mean time it’s a case of she’s coming whether she likes it or not.




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Old Jan 22nd 2021, 11:00 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

I knew that was coming - again! I did ask the moderator to change it to GetoutofCanadaquick (only joking) some time ago. We left the UK just before the financial crash and got out when the exchange rate was still above $2. Those of us who can remember, when we first visited Canada it was around $2.4! Shortly after the exchange rate dropped to $1.6. We enjoyed our first 7 years in BC. It was very livable and a Whistler lift ticket was $63 from the 7 Eleven at Squamish. Now it's almost treble that!

I remember people saying then in 2007 BC means "Bring Cash" now I think they say 'bring lots of cash' and "you can't eat the scenery!
We didn't make this decision lightly and it we deliberated for a number of years but we did agree to wait until our son had completed Grade 12. It's hard on us because we have already checked out of Canada and are going to retire in Cornwall or Devon where we have family. Every day is a struggle and we just get frustrated with the culture, especially in Victoria. If we stayed here we would have to work for another 5 years to stay solvent.

I spoke we my son today and he has come around and says he wants to leave as well which is good for all of us but I think he will be living with us for a long while yet!
We are aware of reverse culture shock which could affect any of us but we are looking forward to the move. Our plans are well advanced and have a good pot of cash to return with so we are financially secure. I feel sorry for the kids today, especially those who have had their education impacted by COVID. We haven't left them a great world to grow up in.

I would say to other people thinking of relocating to BC that the cost of living is rising dramatically and if you don't have some serious financial support think twice - I have several British friends who are really struggling financially here.

Just as a few examples:- we moved to Victoria 7 years ago and it was very quaint and appealing then. Now there is construction everywhere, they are tearing the forest down at an alarming rate, destroying the natural features by blasting away the mountains, its congested and very expensive. The crime has gone up substantially downtown Victoria with homeless and drug addicts everywhere. House insurance was $1000 now it's over $2000, car insurance was a $1000 and ICBC just quoted us this week $2700, property tax was around $3000 and now it's over $7000. Food cost have risen substantially during the past few year and is now at ridiculous levels. I met an English girl this week who said her mum has just returned to the UK from Victoria and she was so shocked how cheap the food was in the UK compared to BC. Tax rates have also climbed dramatically for those lucky to have good income. People don't seem to think here, we are short of doctors and struggling to attract them then this silly government puts their tax up 10% and says they won't mind paying a little bit more! This really is LooneyVille. Salaries are practically stagnant so every cost of living increase comes off the bottom line.
My daughter looked at the cost of condos locally and was totally shocked with the prices. Rent for a 1 bed around these parts is around $1500 a month and $2500 for a two bed. That's insane. We looked at rentals near in Plymouth where we will initially be staying with family and she can get a really nice 2 bed flat for around $750 downtown. She is currently working as a Medical Secretary and checked out the wages in the UK which are very similar to here.

We are very focused on returning, set up NI voluntary payments, new British passports, moving finances around and checking UK property out on Zoopla! A few more things to do on the house this summer then we are set to go (COVID permitting). Very much looking forward to retirement.
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Old Jan 23rd 2021, 3:03 am
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Do keep in mind the potential tax costs of leaving Canada, particularly if you have property.. check out 'departure tax' on the link.. and 'deemed disposition' on the 2nd one..
https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-age...emigrants.html
https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-age...-property.html
Hope the move goes well.

Last edited by Siouxie; Jan 23rd 2021 at 3:05 am.
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Old Jan 23rd 2021, 3:19 pm
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Smile Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by getoutofbritainquick View Post

We looked at rentals near in Plymouth where we will initially be staying with family and she can get a really nice 2 bed flat for around $750 downtown. She is currently working as a Medical Secretary and checked out the wages in the UK which are very similar to here.
I love that area, anywhere south of the A38 (A385) Plymouth to Torbay. My favourite part of the UK, Salcombe, Kingsbridge, Dartmouth..
I agree, living costs over here (in Ontario) getting ridiculous..I can only see it getting worse.
Might be joining you in a few years.
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Old Jan 23rd 2021, 3:30 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by DMajor View Post
I love that area, anywhere south of the A38 (A385) Plymouth to Torbay. My favourite part of the UK, Salcombe, Kingsbridge, Dartmouth..
They're all lovely areas, Plymouth itself though is awful.
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Old Jan 23rd 2021, 3:34 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Reading through this, and I must say what an interesting and enlightening thread...I was struck by the fact that a lot of both the OP's general unhappiness and her daughter's have a very "world going to sh*t/pandemic" similar timeline.

Much of which, I'm fairly sure mirror a few of our feelings on here.

Like you OP my son was 11/12 when we came here. It wasn't all plain sailing, but he became happy, did well at school and started in UNB a year and a half ago. Loved the first semester...did well then C19 arrived. At first it was a mix of in person and on line classes and now it's all online...it's disastrous...but it is for ALL of them. All of the people he knows are either on the verge of dumping uni or changing courses dramatically. He hates it, he isn't engaged and is in a permanently bad mood...if I want him I burrow in the discarded piles of clothes and plates in his room until find him.

I think this is perfectly normal - distressing, tiring and bloody thankless on occasion - but it's hardly surprising...their world has had a siesmic shift (so has mine, but I'm more experienced to try to cope with it) my son KNEW he had the world at his feet and a yellow Lamborghini somewhere in his future - now he can't see any way forward and his studies don't seem relevant and he can't see the point of a degree. He says that everyday is like Groundhog Day. He was a sprinting star in track and now they can't even run! He's lost his job of 3 years to C19. He's just turned 20, is afraid and can't see a future, and he's far from alone.

France has had a crop of this age group self harming and are committing huge resources to support them. If we don't want a lost generation, we have to too.

This is worse than anything we could have ever imagined, but I really believe if we just all hold tight, keep our nerves and support these young people there might be a way forward for them...but it's not going to be quick.

OP could you not put your own unhappiness on hold for a bit and just get on with being unhappy in Canada till you get Citizenship. Life will hopefully be a long adventure, don't shut any doors for her, or you. Would she think of changing her course, what are her friends studying...can't she study with them?

Your daughter is irresponsible, she's untidy and bad with money...welcome to the club. Growing up is a process, not a race I was alone in the world by the time I was my son's age, I grew up fast, but it wasn't fun. I only had the one child and I want him to follow his dreams if he can ever find them again, and I'm just going to know that my life isn't perfect, because nobody's is..happiness isn't a place, but think how unhappy you'd be without your daughter. Like AnnM said, I have certainly given more time and mental support to my adolescent than I ever did to my kid. Bob the Builder, this thing isn't!

You have said little of your partner...what is their feeling on this?

Last edited by MillieF; Jan 23rd 2021 at 3:39 pm.
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Old Jan 23rd 2021, 5:15 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by getoutofbritainquick View Post
I knew that was coming - again! I did ask the moderator to change it to GetoutofCanadaquick (only joking) some time ago. We left the UK just before the financial crash and got out when the exchange rate was still above $2. Those of us who can remember, when we first visited Canada it was around $2.4! Shortly after the exchange rate dropped to $1.6. We enjoyed our first 7 years in BC. It was very livable and a Whistler lift ticket was $63 from the 7 Eleven at Squamish. Now it's almost treble that!

I remember people saying then in 2007 BC means "Bring Cash" now I think they say 'bring lots of cash' and "you can't eat the scenery!
We didn't make this decision lightly and it we deliberated for a number of years but we did agree to wait until our son had completed Grade 12. It's hard on us because we have already checked out of Canada and are going to retire in Cornwall or Devon where we have family. Every day is a struggle and we just get frustrated with the culture, especially in Victoria. If we stayed here we would have to work for another 5 years to stay solvent.

I spoke we my son today and he has come around and says he wants to leave as well which is good for all of us but I think he will be living with us for a long while yet!
We are aware of reverse culture shock which could affect any of us but we are looking forward to the move. Our plans are well advanced and have a good pot of cash to return with so we are financially secure. I feel sorry for the kids today, especially those who have had their education impacted by COVID. We haven't left them a great world to grow up in.

I would say to other people thinking of relocating to BC that the cost of living is rising dramatically and if you don't have some serious financial support think twice - I have several British friends who are really struggling financially here.

Just as a few examples:- we moved to Victoria 7 years ago and it was very quaint and appealing then. Now there is construction everywhere, they are tearing the forest down at an alarming rate, destroying the natural features by blasting away the mountains, its congested and very expensive. The crime has gone up substantially downtown Victoria with homeless and drug addicts everywhere. House insurance was $1000 now it's over $2000, car insurance was a $1000 and ICBC just quoted us this week $2700, property tax was around $3000 and now it's over $7000. Food cost have risen substantially during the past few year and is now at ridiculous levels. I met an English girl this week who said her mum has just returned to the UK from Victoria and she was so shocked how cheap the food was in the UK compared to BC. Tax rates have also climbed dramatically for those lucky to have good income. People don't seem to think here, we are short of doctors and struggling to attract them then this silly government puts their tax up 10% and says they won't mind paying a little bit more! This really is LooneyVille. Salaries are practically stagnant so every cost of living increase comes off the bottom line.
My daughter looked at the cost of condos locally and was totally shocked with the prices. Rent for a 1 bed around these parts is around $1500 a month and $2500 for a two bed. That's insane. We looked at rentals near in Plymouth where we will initially be staying with family and she can get a really nice 2 bed flat for around $750 downtown. She is currently working as a Medical Secretary and checked out the wages in the UK which are very similar to here.

We are very focused on returning, set up NI voluntary payments, new British passports, moving finances around and checking UK property out on Zoopla! A few more things to do on the house this summer then we are set to go (COVID permitting). Very much looking forward to retirement.
Hi, I wrote a response to this last night on my phone but lost it due to wifi connection!

Yes Thankfully we have a good pot of cash to go back with, husband had a very good paying job--very lucky, we know a couple of people who have fairly recently come over here with some money from equity from the selling of their house and they are getting though it at an alarming rate, 2 or 3 cars, a muscle truck a car for the wife etc, and of course the cars depreciate in value! I fear for them when they decide to make the move home. I've read a few times people having to go back with no savings left, no property in their name back in the UK and having to apply for benefits, the 3 month wait they have before they are eligible for them and the whole headache that comes with that.

Yes, we have been looking for properties on Zoopla and Rightmove is a good one to crosscheck, as soon as we see a house we will be off.

Covid has really put the mockers on daughter's education....
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