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Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Old Jan 19th 2021, 5:47 pm
  #46  
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by kate8kate0 View Post
Hi guys thanks for all your input. Really appreciated. So I spoke to my daughter this morning. We had a in depth talk about why she wants to stay (friends mainly), and the fact that in the space of a few months, if she can't get a job, save enough money, she will come back with us and if she really wants to can move back in 6 months. She will try to get a job at the racecourse, apparently a lot of students work there, so my thinking is that she will make some friends and want to stay!! We also talked about Cheltenham university its a lovely university, but she's adamant she wants to come back to Calgary at this point. Argh!! So fingers crossed she will stay. Please God! :-)
Don't think Cheltenham has a University
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Old Jan 19th 2021, 5:51 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by Tangram View Post
Don't think Cheltenham has a University
It's where parts of the https://www.glos.ac.uk/Pages/default.aspx University of Gloucestershire are
Francis Close Hall Campus
University of Gloucestershire,
Swindon Road,
Cheltenham. GL50 4AZ

Centre for Art and Photography
University of Gloucestershire,
St Paul’s Road,
Cheltenham. GL50 4BS

Park Campus
University of Gloucestershire,
The Park,
Cheltenham. GL50 2RH

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Old Jan 19th 2021, 5:52 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

You think Cheltenham is in The North ? Where does that put Brora or Wick ?
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Old Jan 19th 2021, 5:53 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by Siouxie View Post
It's where the https://www.glos.ac.uk/Pages/default.aspx University of Gloucestershire is
Ah I see, a campus of UofG
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Old Jan 19th 2021, 5:55 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Also, I said to daughter your friends can visit, we will even help pay for the flight, but with Covid that may not. be possible for a while. I do feel that at 18 its a bit too young for her to look after herself. She's not great with money, yes she could learn that on her own the hard way, but if she was in her 20's perhaps 24, I would probably feel more confident about it. I would also worry for her, if some undesirable person will ill intention, knew her parents weren't in the country...oh its doesn't bare thinking about. A worry.

Honestly, she is so good at making friends, I think once she has made a friend she will love Cheltenham and Bristol. I said this to her, all the festivals they have in Bristol and the vibe of the place, you'll love it! It's a cool happening place. But yes friends are very important to them at that age.
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Old Jan 20th 2021, 3:40 am
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

My husband was a university professor, and was due for a sabbatical beginning in the September after my daughter graduated from high school, at age 18.

I was going to stay here, he was going to NZ for 10 months.

We believed that children over a certain age should be included in family decisions affecting them. Some are mature enough at around 8 for their wishes to be considered, our daughter was included from around age 10 or 11.

So, the question posed to her at age 18 was did she want to stay here with me and go to university (already accepted at one and on "hold" at a second), or take a year out and go with her dad.

She thought about it, and decided to take the year out and go to NZ. Unfortunately at that time NZ was not honouring the "student travel visa" that allowed students to travel around the country, picking up jobs as needed, so she was stuck with living with Dad, and being supported by us.

What she did do was take total charge of running the house, from buying food to cooking, and telling Dad it was time to clean. I can tell you it was very strange to go down there in December for a 2 month visit, and be ordered around by my daughter who was "the woman of the house"!!

She also found herself volunteer jobs, including one at the university that lasted for several months and where the bosses were so pleased with the work she did that they kept "finding money" in the garden or somewhere and giving it to her. When she left to come home, those people actually bought her about $150 worth of books AND paid the postage to send them here for her.

Don't say 18 is too young to make decisions, or to do things ........... give your daughter the chance to really voice her views.

YOU took her away from England and her friends at 12, now you want to do the same thing to her at 18.

At the very least, get citizenship for all of you before you make any further move.

Ask your daughter how she would feel about moving into a place with one of her friends, are there any she would like to do that with and would want to be with her???
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Old Jan 20th 2021, 3:41 am
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by kate8kate0 View Post
Sorry if weird question, are you male or female?
I literally have no idea why you asked this question, it's a bit strange.

But the above post by me probably answers your question!
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Old Jan 20th 2021, 3:15 pm
  #53  
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by scilly View Post
My husband was a university professor, and was due for a sabbatical beginning in the September after my daughter graduated from high school, at age 18.

I was going to stay here, he was going to NZ for 10 months.

We believed that children over a certain age should be included in family decisions affecting them. Some are mature enough at around 8 for their wishes to be considered, our daughter was included from around age 10 or 11.

So, the question posed to her at age 18 was did she want to stay here with me and go to university (already accepted at one and on "hold" at a second), or take a year out and go with her dad.

She thought about it, and decided to take the year out and go to NZ. Unfortunately at that time NZ was not honouring the "student travel visa" that allowed students to travel around the country, picking up jobs as needed, so she was stuck with living with Dad, and being supported by us.

What she did do was take total charge of running the house, from buying food to cooking, and telling Dad it was time to clean. I can tell you it was very strange to go down there in December for a 2 month visit, and be ordered around by my daughter who was "the woman of the house"!!

She also found herself volunteer jobs, including one at the university that lasted for several months and where the bosses were so pleased with the work she did that they kept "finding money" in the garden or somewhere and giving it to her. When she left to come home, those people actually bought her about $150 worth of books AND paid the postage to send them here for her.

Don't say 18 is too young to make decisions, or to do things ........... give your daughter the chance to really voice her views.

YOU took her away from England and her friends at 12, now you want to do the same thing to her at 18.

At the very least, get citizenship for all of you before you make any further move.

Ask your daughter how she would feel about moving into a place with one of her friends, are there any she would like to do that with and would want to be with her???
+1!!

I and my siblings went through a similar thing when my Mother and Father uprooted us from Canada as teenagers for a '3 year work assignment' to the UK. But as my mother was English (war bride), it turned into 'the rest of their lives' with my mother steadfastly refusing to move back to Canada. We were not consulted as 'it is only for 3 years'. I still resent it to this day. I finally made my own way back to Canada in 2017 for good (my sister now lives in New York and my older brother has stayed put in the UK).

I lived for 20 years in Cheltenham until I came back to Canada in 2017. My son went to UoG in Cheltenham (his choice not ours, we wanted him to move away and live away). My daughter had a one year 'gap year' working at the Delta Hotel in Kananaskis (Nr Calgary). She loved it and given that hotels like this have on-site staff accommodation, it would be a viable alternative for your daughter.

Cheltenham is as others have said. There is a 'vibrant' night life for teenagers for sure, but with that comes VERY easy access to drugs and violence. Also have you checked Cheltenham house prices? Pretty steep. The number that I sold my house in Cheltenham for in GBP, I bought a similar house here in Canada for CAD. Local resources and services are VERY strained as Cheltenham continues to grow via soulless dormitory suburbs (e.g. Bishops Cleeve, Hatherley etc.) but without the local council investing in infrastructure. Oh, and a teenager is not going to be remotely interested in all the 'festivals' (possibly except the body art / tattoo festival!). They are mainly of interest to out of towners.

Absolutely agree that you should get your daughter Canadian citizenship first. She then has choices now and in the future. I made sure both my kids were properly registered for Canadian citizenship and both have retained it. My daughter is now seriously talking about moving to Canada with her husband for good in the next couple of years as she is so fed up in the UK (both she and my son continue to live in and around Cheltenham and work locally there).

Last edited by Hurlabrick; Jan 20th 2021 at 3:22 pm.
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Old Jan 20th 2021, 7:02 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by Hurlabrick View Post
+1!!

I and my siblings went through a similar thing when my Mother and Father uprooted us from Canada as teenagers for a '3 year work assignment' to the UK. But as my mother was English (war bride), it turned into 'the rest of their lives' with my mother steadfastly refusing to move back to Canada. We were not consulted as 'it is only for 3 years'. I still resent it to this day. I finally made my own way back to Canada in 2017 for good (my sister now lives in New York and my older brother has stayed put in the UK).

I lived for 20 years in Cheltenham until I came back to Canada in 2017. My son went to UoG in Cheltenham (his choice not ours, we wanted him to move away and live away). My daughter had a one year 'gap year' working at the Delta Hotel in Kananaskis (Nr Calgary). She loved it and given that hotels like this have on-site staff accommodation, it would be a viable alternative for your daughter.

Cheltenham is as others have said. There is a 'vibrant' night life for teenagers for sure, but with that comes VERY easy access to drugs and violence. Also have you checked Cheltenham house prices? Pretty steep. The number that I sold my house in Cheltenham for in GBP, I bought a similar house here in Canada for CAD. Local resources and services are VERY strained as Cheltenham continues to grow via soulless dormitory suburbs (e.g. Bishops Cleeve, Hatherley etc.) but without the local council investing in infrastructure. Oh, and a teenager is not going to be remotely interested in all the 'festivals' (possibly except the body art / tattoo festival!). They are mainly of interest to out of towners.

Absolutely agree that you should get your daughter Canadian citizenship first. She then has choices now and in the future. I made sure both my kids were properly registered for Canadian citizenship and both have retained it. My daughter is now seriously talking about moving to Canada with her husband for good in the next couple of years as she is so fed up in the UK (both she and my son continue to live in and around Cheltenham and work locally there).
I know what you mean about easy access to drugs and violence, that's also a big worry of mine. I trust my daughter though to steer clear. The drinking culture is huge in the UK, I was going to pubs with school friends at age 14!! Oh dear, and there was access to drugs, scary. Mind you, her friends are drinking here too, I know they drink very. strong alcohol too! Hennessy and the like. Ugh, smells like paint stripper. But she's responsible, her friends? Hmm?! maybe not so!

We are ok financially. We are going to rent a 4 bedroom house. We are investing savings in buying buy to lets, which will bring in good income and capital gain. My father is helping too.

Honestly I'm completely aware of the 'dragging' her back after bringing her here and I feel absolutely dreadful. I'm hoping she will just give it a try and see. She's a very good girl and I'm so proud of her. I've told her this too.

I will keep you all updated on the move back.
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Old Jan 20th 2021, 7:09 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by scilly View Post
My husband was a university professor, and was due for a sabbatical beginning in the September after my daughter graduated from high school, at age 18.

I was going to stay here, he was going to NZ for 10 months.

We believed that children over a certain age should be included in family decisions affecting them. Some are mature enough at around 8 for their wishes to be considered, our daughter was included from around age 10 or 11.

So, the question posed to her at age 18 was did she want to stay here with me and go to university (already accepted at one and on "hold" at a second), or take a year out and go with her dad.

She thought about it, and decided to take the year out and go to NZ. Unfortunately at that time NZ was not honouring the "student travel visa" that allowed students to travel around the country, picking up jobs as needed, so she was stuck with living with Dad, and being supported by us.

What she did do was take total charge of running the house, from buying food to cooking, and telling Dad it was time to clean. I can tell you it was very strange to go down there in December for a 2 month visit, and be ordered around by my daughter who was "the woman of the house"!!

She also found herself volunteer jobs, including one at the university that lasted for several months and where the bosses were so pleased with the work she did that they kept "finding money" in the garden or somewhere and giving it to her. When she left to come home, those people actually bought her about $150 worth of books AND paid the postage to send them here for her.

Don't say 18 is too young to make decisions, or to do things ........... give your daughter the chance to really voice her views.

YOU took her away from England and her friends at 12, now you want to do the same thing to her at 18.

At the very least, get citizenship for all of you before you make any further move.

Ask your daughter how she would feel about moving into a place with one of her friends, are there any she would like to do that with and would want to be with her???
Well the problem is that there isn't anyone of her friends that wants to be roommates, she also hasn't been effectively applying for jobs; my thinking is that she is feeling a bit too self conscious to go to work, incase 'she see's someone she knows!'. Thats the problem! I know she wants to stay deep down, and I've told her I will support her IF she wants to try on her own. As I say she has agreed to come. Will she resent the move or adjust? Yep that's the worry.
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Old Jan 20th 2021, 7:20 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by DigitalGhost View Post
Nobody at 18 really knows what they want to do with the rest of their life or who they will become. If the rest of your family wants to return home then why not start preparing that. If your daughter is anything like I was at that age then she will eventually cave, even if it isn't until you start getting ready to go to the airport and she suddenly realises you're not playing games and just how tough life without the rest of the family around would be. Just make sure you have a few hundred quid saved over in case you need to buy her a flight ticket at short notice.

The majority of people on this forum are in their 30's, 40's and older and even then the forum is full of people who either cancel their plans to relocate overseas or return home because the pull of family ties in the UK is too great.
Thank you for this, appreciated. She's so young, she's got her whole life ahead of her, we will support her completely in all aspects, financially/emotionally, we always have done. I've explained to her that we are very sorry about this upheaval. She is infact caving. She's adjusting to the idea, she says she will only stay for 6 months but I think/hope she'll stay when she makes friends. We are telling her every day we are so sorry, and yes feel dreadful about this mistake.

Last edited by kate8kate0; Jan 20th 2021 at 7:40 pm. Reason: grammar.
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Old Jan 20th 2021, 8:01 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Really interesting to read the parent view on this. I'm not 18 but am close enough to remember it and honestly your daughter will really benefit from living away from you. She might be a messy teen now but I guarantee it is because it is not her space - once she is living somewhere of her own or with friends, she'll hopefully have a sense of pride about it (I was a messy teen girl and my uni room and every home since has been immaculate!)

I also have friends who stayed at home and those who went off to university and the difference in maturity was very noticable for a long time. I'm not a parent so no judgement at all but I think supporting her could be the worst thing for her. My parents were comfortable but incredibly strict with me and cut me off financially at 18 and I have always been really good with money and budgeting as a result (including building up enough for a house deposit in London really quickly once I got a proper job with no bank of mum and dad input!) She probably hasn't pushed to get a job because there's no urgent need.

Plus, the universities in Canada are much cheaper for residents. I experienced both UK and Canadian universities and despite going to top universities in the UK, it was still just rote learning I found whereas Canada it was much better (I studied Maths and then Structural Engineering) - I did a year abroad and learnt more in that year than my three years in the UK!. So perhaps you can build a trust fund for her to help her buy a house or avoid living cost loans with the savings - I think the difference is about £6k per year so for a 4 year degree that could be £24k (based on UK / EU fees - not international fees). My husband was a 'cushioned' person and it still irritates me how little he knows about budgeting and basic life skills...I'm not sure he even knows anything about the visa application we're doing right now :P I was also incredibly shy when I was 18 and went travelling alone to South America at 19 for four months and it really improved my confidence - I would recommend to any young person to get that kind of experience.

Just remember it might be difficult but, if she needs you, Canada really isn't far and it is safe and has really good systems in place for people from what I hear through friends. And there is skype / zoom / phones etc. - I called my parents once when I was in SA - they must have been going crazy! As others have said, let her make this choice and she'll come back to you if it doesn't work out. If she moves to the UK now and doesn't go to University, it is so challenging to make good friends as a young person just through work (which is your only avenue really unless you have activities) so I can understand completely why she would be anxious. We're applying for visas to move to Canada now and that is my biggest fear to be honest but at least from my short experience there, you could chat to random people and it wasn't considered strange unlike in the UK!
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Old Jan 20th 2021, 8:16 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by Rhe View Post
Really interesting to read the parent view on this. I'm not 18 but am close enough to remember it and honestly your daughter will really benefit from living away from you. She might be a messy teen now but I guarantee it is because it is not her space - once she is living somewhere of her own or with friends, she'll hopefully have a sense of pride about it (I was a messy teen girl and my uni room and every home since has been immaculate!)

I also have friends who stayed at home and those who went off to university and the difference in maturity was very noticable for a long time. I'm not a parent so no judgement at all but I think supporting her could be the worst thing for her. My parents were comfortable but incredibly strict with me and cut me off financially at 18 and I have always been really good with money and budgeting as a result (including building up enough for a house deposit in London really quickly once I got a proper job with no bank of mum and dad input!) She probably hasn't pushed to get a job because there's no urgent need.

Plus, the universities in Canada are much cheaper for residents. I experienced both UK and Canadian universities and despite going to top universities in the UK, it was still just rote learning I found whereas Canada it was much better (I studied Maths and then Structural Engineering) - I did a year abroad and learnt more in that year than my three years in the UK!. So perhaps you can build a trust fund for her to help her buy a house or avoid living cost loans with the savings - I think the difference is about £6k per year so for a 4 year degree that could be £24k (based on UK / EU fees - not international fees). My husband was a 'cushioned' person and it still irritates me how little he knows about budgeting and basic life skills...I'm not sure he even knows anything about the visa application we're doing right now :P I was also incredibly shy when I was 18 and went travelling alone to South America at 19 for four months and it really improved my confidence - I would recommend to any young person to get that kind of experience.

Just remember it might be difficult but, if she needs you, Canada really isn't far and it is safe and has really good systems in place for people from what I hear through friends. And there is skype / zoom / phones etc. - I called my parents once when I was in SA - they must have been going crazy! As others have said, let her make this choice and she'll come back to you if it doesn't work out. If she moves to the UK now and doesn't go to University, it is so challenging to make good friends as a young person just through work (which is your only avenue really unless you have activities) so I can understand completely why she would be anxious. We're applying for visas to move to Canada now and that is my biggest fear to be honest but at least from my short experience there, you could chat to random people and it wasn't considered strange unlike in the UK!
Yes that's true, lots of really good points in your post. Especially about making her do things on her own, to learn responsibility. I think the problem is that when she was 3 she had leukaemia and it terrified us, she nearly died on 3 occasions, the marvellous doctors put her in remission within 3 months, my gratitude to them is beyond words can say .... also she's an only child, and just maybe we are cushioning her too much, I see that totally. You've actually made really good points here. I think we have always been afraid and perhaps too protective. Good to hear young adult point of view.

Good words, good food for thought, thank you.

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Old Jan 20th 2021, 8:30 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by kate8kate0 View Post
Yes that's true, lots of really good points in your post. Especially about making her do things on her own, to learn responsibility. I think the problem is that when she was 3 she had leukaemia and it terrified us, she nearly died on 3 occasions, the marvellous doctors put her in remission within 3 months, my gratitude to them is beyond words can say .... also she's an only child, and just maybe we are cushioning her too much, I see that totally. You've actually made really good points here. I think we have always been afraid and perhaps too protective. Good to hear young adult point of view.

Good words, good food for thought, thank you.
Gosh, I can imagine why you might be a bit more protective. It must be very hard to not worry after experiencing that. As a really strong positive though, when your daughter is older, she's going to be so appreciative of how much you clearly care and love her even if she is wanting a bit of freedom now. And it is lovely that you've sought advice and talked it through with her. That's what will make her want to move back to the UK eventually to be nearer to you.
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Old Jan 20th 2021, 9:30 pm
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Default Re: Moving back home but 18 year old refusing .

Originally Posted by Rhe View Post
Gosh, I can imagine why you might be a bit more protective. It must be very hard to not worry after experiencing that. As a really strong positive though, when your daughter is older, she's going to be so appreciative of how much you clearly care and love her even if she is wanting a bit of freedom now. And it is lovely that you've sought advice and talked it through with her. That's what will make her want to move back to the UK eventually to be nearer to you.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. I feel that too. :-)
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