British Expats

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-   -   Leaving adult children (https://britishexpats.com/forum/canada-56/leaving-adult-children-722470/)

justme31170 Jun 26th 2011 10:38 am

Leaving adult children
 
How come I can't find any threads on this subject? I searched for leaving adult children and things came up that had nothing to do with that. What am I doing wrong :o

Keith Jun 26th 2011 1:58 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 
Are they adult or children?
If adult they can choose for themselves, children can't.

magnumpi Jun 26th 2011 3:02 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 

Originally Posted by Keith (Post 9457994)
Are they adult or children?
If adult they can choose for themselves, children can't.

The op means leaving her older kids who are classed as adult in the uk but may still be at high school in Canada. So adult children may be a good way to explain this thread.

I have a 26 yr old lad in the UK. He is married and has his own place and life. We visit him, he visits us. We see more of him living in Canada than we did when he was in the Navy and we lived in the UK. Life is strange ehh?

justme31170 Jun 26th 2011 4:46 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 
Thanks for clearing that up Magnumpi lol

I would be leaving a 23 year old and a 19 year old. Both of whom have moved out of home but are not happy about me going. I was looking for posts on similar situations and I suppose some advice and reassurance about the kids .

mandymoochops Jun 26th 2011 6:29 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 
my oldest is 19 and lives over there in her own place with a friend (dreads to think about bodies on couches and wild partiesbut she's a big girl!)

I remember some advice a friend gave to me when I moved over here - he said "Mand in a couple of years they won't want to know you (as dependant kids although they do live with their dad) do not let them rule every decision you make - you could put this off and they will just think ha - one up again on mum and when they have flown the nest too all you will be left with is regrets because once again you bowed down to some one elses wishes"

Now I will add my situation was slightly different with more ins and outs than I care to mention on here - but what I would say is um HELLO they are adults. Old enough to move out of home and live their own lives but still want you at their beck and call.

I don't think so - you tell em that you have done your raising job and they are in control of only one life - their own - not yours. So you'll go and start this new chapter and the door will always be open for them to come and stay.

If they don't like it then tough, it's their loss but don't be ruled by them.

Keith Jun 26th 2011 6:51 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 

Originally Posted by mandymoochops (Post 9458337)
my oldest is 19 and lives over there in her own place with a friend (dreads to think about bodies on couches and wild partiesbut she's a big girl!)

I remember some advice a friend gave to me when I moved over here - he said "Mand in a couple of years they won't want to know you (as dependant kids although they do live with their dad) do not let them rule every decision you make - you could put this off and they will just think ha - one up again on mum and when they have flown the nest too all you will be left with is regrets because once again you bowed down to some one elses wishes"

Now I will add my situation was slightly different with more ins and outs than I care to mention on here - but what I would say is um HELLO they are adults. Old enough to move out of home and live their own lives but still want you at their beck and call.

I don't think so - you tell em that you have done your raising job and they are in control of only one life - their own - not yours. So you'll go and start this new chapter and the door will always be open for them to come and stay.

If they don't like it then tough, it's their loss but don't be ruled by them.

Exactly. If they are old enough to leave home and start their lives as independant adults, the parents have the right to follow their own dreams.

Oink Jun 26th 2011 7:01 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 
My nan on my mum's side moved abroad before I was born and I never saw her. My mum was so upset she left she just cut her out of our lives so my nan never saw us or my cousins grow up. She used to send book tokens for Christmas at first but gave up after a while. It must have been hard for her stuck in some crappy little Australian town, dying alone. Ah well it was her choice I suppose.

Keith Jun 26th 2011 8:29 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 

Originally Posted by Oink (Post 9458386)
My nan on my mum's side moved abroad before I was born and I never saw her. My mum was so upset she left she just cut her out of our lives so my nan never saw us or my cousins grow up. She used to send book tokens for Christmas at first but gave up after a while. It must have been hard for her stuck in some crappy little Australian town, dying alone. Ah well it was her choice I suppose.

Think positive maybe she too (your Nan) lived out her dream.

Oink Jun 26th 2011 8:35 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 

Originally Posted by Keith (Post 9458476)
Think positive maybe she too (your Nan) lived out her dream.


No, according to my aunt she said she'd made a terrible mistake and she missed her family. She said after a couple of years of excitement the novelty wore off and she realized she was living among strangers in a strange culture with no way to get back to the UK. As you said, she was an adult, so I guess she got what she deserved.

mandymoochops Jun 26th 2011 10:18 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 

Originally Posted by Oink (Post 9458483)
No, according to my aunt she said she'd made a terrible mistake and she missed her family. She said after a couple of years of excitement the novelty wore off and she realized she was living among strangers in a strange culture with no way to get back to the UK. As you said, she was an adult, so I guess she got what she deserved.

Not what she deserved that's a bit harsh.

But you make your decisions, you live by the consequences. If you could live your life with every decision you made having the best possible outcome - no-one would immigrate because everywhere would be nirvana.

Rough times make good ones seem better.

Tangram Jun 26th 2011 10:21 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 

Originally Posted by mandymoochops (Post 9458598)

Rough times make good ones seem better.

That sounds like one of those god awful motivational posters we used to have in a company I worked for in the UK... another which springs to mind was 'Don't wait for your boat to come in, swim out and meet it' ... I always felt bad for the non swimmers.

ducktastic Jun 26th 2011 10:45 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 
Leaving adult children behind is hard and don't be fooled into thinking it won't be. My daughter was 20 and was at uni in the UK, when we went to Vancouver. She came and visited us twice in the 7 months we were in Vancouver, the airport scene when she went back to the UK after the visits were awful and required lots of tissues and then wine. Yes they are adults and yes you should not live your life for them, but they are your children, you had them and raised them, and walking (or flying) away is dreadful.

One of the main reasons for us returning to the UK was my daughter, so that should tell you how tough I found it.

Eastbound Jun 27th 2011 4:07 am

Re: Leaving adult children
 
Just personal experiance we have been on Vancouver Island for four years . Our sons for various reasons , education / girlfriends etc chose to stay in the UK . We were optimistic that one day they would realise that this place was for them- we have lived our lives to the full here, but feel we have given it enough time to realise that family is all that matters and not the location, beautiful as it is.

Oink Jun 27th 2011 4:43 am

Re: Leaving adult children
 

Originally Posted by mandymoochops (Post 9458598)
Not what she deserved that's a bit harsh.

But you make your decisions, you live by the consequences. If you could live your life with every decision you made having the best possible outcome - no-one would immigrate because everywhere would be nirvana.

Rough times make good ones seem better.

Yes it was a little harsh I suppose, but my mum and aunt thought she'd selfishly buggered off leaving them when she was only 18 so I think they were pretty resentful. Sad all round for them I think. :(

justme31170 Jun 27th 2011 8:48 pm

Re: Leaving adult children
 
Mandy I totally agree with you, they are adults and make their own choices.

Yes they are still my children and I will ALWAYS be their mum but I feel like its my time now to do something I want to do. Im not going forever, we are only going for a maximum of 18 months.

My son (19) is ok now he knows im coming back home but my daughter (23) is seriously pissed off and doesn't get it!!! I won't let this stop me going but I guess it would be nicer to have her blessing. :(


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