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How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

Old Oct 4th 2009, 10:14 am
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Default How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

Hi, we are moving to NS next July but going out to land next week. We have been out to Canada a lot on holiday so our boys think it is just another break. But this time we will be telling them that we will be moving out permanently next summer.

I am not worried about telling the 5 and 7 year old (and baby is too young anyway to understand) but any tips for telling a very mature 11 year old?

We have bought a house and will be showing them that but I am sure our oldest is going to be ful of trepidation and worries at leaving everything he knows. He has currently been at the same school since 3 and would have expected to stay there till 18. He will be going to a different school from his brothers.

Any advice welcome. Any experiences, pitfalls to avoid etc?
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 11:04 am
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

A hard one really to provide you with the answer to. It will come as real shock to them especially if they have just started secondary school with all their friends. I would advise you to sit down with the 11 year old and explain what is going to happen now. By telling them now, it will give them a chance to get used to the idea by next July. Try taking them round some schools and starting researching activities they can do when you eventually move. If they already enjoy going to canada on holiday, the 11 year old should take it well. Try also through this forum to see if there are any families with children the same age, who are going to be near you to provide your 11 old with some support via email and meeting up when you get there.
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 11:21 am
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

both our children are very young still so no experience but I would guess it will be fear of the unknown that'll worry him. Why not make an appointment with the school he's going to show him round and meet his teachers? I don't know who you'd ask but find out what activities/clubs are in the area for him when you go over so he'd have the chance to make some friends that might be going to the same school? if you keep him as busy as possible he'll have little time to dwell on things he's going to miss and hopefully make him very excited about the move?
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 11:28 am
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

Originally Posted by englishrose1
A hard one really to provide you with the answer to. It will come as real shock to them especially if they have just started secondary school with all their friends. I would advise you to sit down with the 11 year old and explain what is going to happen now. By telling them now, it will give them a chance to get used to the idea by next July. Try taking them round some schools and starting researching activities they can do when you eventually move. If they already enjoy going to canada on holiday, the 11 year old should take it well. Try also through this forum to see if there are any families with children the same age, who are going to be near you to provide your 11 old with some support via email and meeting up when you get there.
oops! x posts I should have hit preview before posting..
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 12:32 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

Our youngest was 8 when we told her we were moving to Canada (she's now 10). We involved her from the start and were honest when she asked any questions. At first she hated the idea then when we took her out to Ontario last year we showed her the kind of things she could do on a regular basis eg picnics on the beach, tennis, cinemas, skiing etc. Now she can't wait to move. We also reminded her how many new kids had started her school in the last couple of years and that they had been ok and settled well and it would be the same for her. We've told her its ok to feel a bit worried or unsure and that we all (even mum and dad) have to make new friends when we arrive. She loves the fact that she won't have to wear school uniform and that she'll take a pack lunch to school! She also doesn't start High School until she's 13/14 so she'll have a couple of years in a smaller elementary. We had considered getting her a dog when we arrive but we'll see. She knows that she has to give school a chance but if she doesn't settle we'll move her. As for friends in UK we're setting up web cams so they can chat to each other once she's moved. School in UK has also been really good. They chat to her about Canada and help her to create memories via photos etc to take with her. She knows there will be lots of tears when we leave and that family will ask us not to go but as she says 'well we're going so the crying won't last long'. We've talked about family coming out to visit and what we'll plan to do eg trips to Toronto etc. Our situation is slightly different as my hubby and son are staying on in UK for 2 more years and will fly in and out and my eldest daughter will be at Toronto Uni so for most of the time it will just be me and the youngest one. Hope this is of some help to you. Good luck.
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 12:44 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

I can only really comment by way of a personal experience which in no way compares with a move several thousands of miles away to a different country and culture - but it may still be relevant.

I was born and raised in South London. I went to primary school there and then, up until the age of 13, secondary school. I didn't like school (I was bullied), and I wasn't over-keen on living in London. But it was where I knew, and it was where such friends as I had were also living. The highlight of my year was the family holiday, which was always taken in Devon or Cornwall. I loved the countryside, and felt at home there. My parents did, too - and when I was 13 my father was offered a job on a farm in a remote Devon village. I was hugely excited by the move. It was the chance of a new life.

Everything was wonderful about the new location - except the school, where I was bullied even more than I had been in London because I was an 'outsider'. I put up with 2 years of misery at that school, then finally left early, waited around until I was 16, and took a job. After that, things improved. I loved that way of life. I didn't miss London one bit. I fully adapted. When I was 19 - due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances - my parents were forced to move back... or, at least, to Kent. I went with them, but I always yearned for that life we'd left. I still look upon that time - despite the horrors of the school - as the happiest period of my life. It was a steep learning curve for me: getting to know a new place, making new friends (friends, incidentally, who I still have to this day, 30 years later), finding a new way of life. It's an experience I'm glad I had, and wouldn't have missed for the world. It taught me a lot of things: about change, about growing up, about different perspectives on life.

So.... after all that! All I'd say is... all you can do is tell him and see what his reaction is. Like me, he may be both hugely daunted and excited at the same time. He's still so young, so the transition to a new school shouldn't be quite such a shock as it was for me (disrupted courses, new curriculum, etc). Tell him why you're doing it. Tell him now, as positively as you can... and tell him that, if it doesn't work out, it won't be the end of the world. You can still come back if everyone isn't happy. Give him that reassurance. Give him the chance to let it sink in - to mull it over and deal with the questions it will raise in his mind. Give him the opportunity to look forward to it. And always be open with him (though I know you will).

I hope I'm right, but I'd like to bet that a huge part of him will be brimming with the prospect of the adventure of it all. And with the internet, Twitter, FaceBook, Instant Messaging, Video Messaging, etc... his friends won't be that far away that he can't communicate with them. I'd like to bet that, within 6 months or a year of being out there, he'll have enough new friends to be with anyway.

The other thing, of course, is that the experience will be good for him in so many ways - though that's a message that's a bit more difficult to convey to an 11-year-old! It's an opportunity so few kids get to have.

Good luck.

Last edited by MartianTom; Oct 4th 2009 at 1:00 pm.
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 1:33 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

we moved to Ontario 3 years ago , then i had a 16 year old and an 18 year old , my 18 year old left 1 month before us , stayed with a family my husband had got his job with , we did not know them well , my husband had met him twice but they kindly offered to put my son up so he could stat college.

we arrived a month later , all the time i was in england for that month i was a wreck , but my son was having a great time. we then arrived with my 16 year old , i took him to school on the first day to sort out lessons etc , the principal said , he could stay that day and start straight away , well i thought i had been through this trauma when they were four , i stood up , gave him a kiss and left muttering i will be back to collect him. i sat in the car and cried. He was 16 for heavens sake not 3 , but i kept thinking , he was in the same village , class , friends ,schools his entire school life and now he has to start again. by lunchtime i had a phone call saying " mum , do not collect me i am walking home with some friends and going bowling tonight "

all ican say is be up front , tell them as soon as possible , we left it to both of ours as they were older if the wanted to finish education in the uk they could. but neither did and they have never looked back , my 16 year old you would think he has lived here all his life. when asked would they go back , they reply no way with out hesitation , i think it was me who worried more.

every child is different but i found here the diversity of children in the schools , no one is an outsider , my 16 year old had last minute nerves and said i am not going , but still got on the plane he knw has a huge span of friends and of course being english is was immediately popular , plus he was the only english child in the school and had been for 5 years , so he was the best thing since sliced bread.

Last edited by dentaltech; Oct 4th 2009 at 1:36 pm.
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 1:45 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

I know it's not the same because we didn't change countries, but 3 years ago we moved our 4 kids from Ontario to Nova Scotia, away from all family, friends etc. Now, we had the advantage that my kids have always been homeschooled so there wasn't the 'school' issue to deal with. Things I found helpful:

1. Be absolutely honest - don't try and sugar coat anything. Admit there will be hard days and good days. Admit it is a big change for you too! Try and keep the conversations 'age appropriate'. That is, you'll have to talk differently to the 11 yr old than the 5 yr old. This may seem like a no-brainer but when you're in the middle of it, it can be hard to remember at times!

2. Find out what is in the area BEFORE you talk to them -- find some positives to lessen the blow. Find activities/groups for things they enjoy, find websites of places they'd like to go. Have real, tangible 'proof' that these things exist - let them surf through the sites whenever they need a reminder. See if you can meet some people with kids their age when you go over to land. Any networking you as the parent can do now will help when you get here. As an example, I contacted a friend of a friend before we moved and they invited us over for a BBQ about 2 days after we got here. We took the time to go and it was the best thing we could have done. Our boys and her boys played all evening and it gave them someone they 'knew' soon after moving. We also made a point of talking to neighbours when we came out to buy the house and found out things like how many kids were in the neighbourhood, were they outside playing a lot, how old were they etc. Having that info to give the kids really helped before we moved too.

3. Get a camera and use it - there and here. Get photos of the new house when you come over to land so that they have them to look at for the next year. Get photos of the current house so they have them to look at in years to come! Get photos of the surrounding areas, of some of their favorite things about each place. Give them the camera and let them decide what matters to them and photograph it. Keep these photos accessible right up to (and including) the day you move and again once you're here. I did this on a whim when we were out here buying the house (kids didn't come), and man were they a life saver as we packed up the old one and got ready to move - I think it made them feel like they 'knew' where they were going a bit better.

4. Let them decide what is important to them to have at the new place IMMEDIATELY once they get there. Either pack it in their luggage or get it shipped over fast. What we think is important and what they think is important may not be the same things.

5. Introduce them to the wonders of Skype now. Kids are often more accepting of technology than we are, and if they find they can still have 'face to face' contact it might help. My kids were very reassured when they found out they could still 'see' their grandparents whenever they wanted.

6. Let them know it's ok to be sad. When everyone is crying the day you leave, reassure them that it is normal - that as much as you are excited by the new adventure and know it is the right decision, even mom and dad are sad to go too.

7. Lastly (this got longer than I planned )...Be prepared for the unexpected. I was not ready for my kids to accept the move as well as they did. There was some confusion about what 'moving' meant (the younger ones just can't always wrap their heads around the idea of what is going to be in the new house from the old house). It took a lot of reassurance and a lot of patience as they listed five THOUSAND different things one at a time and asked if it was going with them. And then repeated the list 4 days later just to make sure.

Gather your information, take a deep breath, and just do it. If it were me (and your thoughts may vary), I would be telling them NOW. Let them get through the first emotions of it and let THEM decide what it is important for THEM to do on the landing trip to help ease the transition. Don't be afraid to ask for their input - they might surprise you!
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 1:50 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

well said

just be honest , and there will be emotion , i had it from teenage boys but once here and snow boarding , skiing etc is on your doorstep
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 2:31 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

Originally Posted by dentaltech
well said

just be honest , and there will be emotion , i had it from teenage boys but once here and snow boarding , skiing etc is on your doorstep
Thank you for everyone's input - very reassuring.

We land on Tuesday (are staying two weeks) and plan to tell the boys on Weds and go and see the new house - currently empty.

This holiday we want them to try skating lessons, maybe fishing if I can find somewhere/someone to do a lesson, talk about getting a dog when we go out in July, let them choose bedrooms, explore where they will go for sports, music lessons etc.

If anyone is in the Amherst/ Oxford area and has boys aged 9 - 13 maybe we could meet up and introduce ourselves. I am sure finding out that boys everywhere have the same kind of interests will be hugely reassuring for our 11 year old.

My husband and I have been to see the schools but I am not sure about taking the boys this time as, if they did not like it, they then have 10 months of worrying about it. I am going to try and get the school to put us in touch next spring with a couple of boys who will be going up to Jnr High when our 11 year old does so that maybe he can start an email correspondence and ask qu's and so on. Sport will be a big thing as our son does rugby, hockey, tennis, athletics and cricket - has never played basketball so I think will feel rather anxious about that. Am I right that most sport is outside of school? i.e. we need to find clubs and things. Our son does about 5-6 hours per week in school and then swimming at the weekend.

We always planned to go just before our oldest started in Year 7 but now that that is here I am sure it will be a real wrench for him.
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 2:50 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

here in ontario sports is both in and out of school , my son was on rugby , soccer , hockey teams , here he went to a school that was good with sports and played on the teams , he does not play basket ball but he did not bother and he does not play the football here ( our football is their soccer ) also ice hockey is big but he does not do that either . do not worry about what he can not do in sports it is really not an issue. school life i feel is more relaxed here. he plays for teams outside school as well and now he is on a college team.

even at his age , we knew no one at all , when he went into school he was given a buddy to help him around meet teachers and sports teachers etc. he moved on from this guy buy still chats with him , this boy was really helpful to help my son in school.

i truely believe my son has a greater friend group here than in england , he still chats with them , but in his words " they do nothing mum except hang around the streets , they are where i left them 3 years ago " he spends summers fishing , boating , camping , winters , skining , snowboarding , they sometimes just snowboard on hill slopes by the house, bar-b-queing , partying
life is never dull , i know your son is 11 but the experiences are there.
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 3:43 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

If you're moving next summer then check if the school is running a daily summer camp which he could join that way he'll have friends before he actually starts in September. Others I know put their kids into school for the last couple of weeks of the summer term so they had friends over the holidays and when they started in September it was a lot easier...just a thought!
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 3:47 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

Also let your sons know that every year, there are changes at school. Some kids will leave, others will newly join, and he won't be the only new kid looking a bit lost on day one! The other kids will look after him well, I am sure - and he will enjoy the daily PE and starting new ports clubs.

Good luck

(how on earth have you managed to keep this all so quiet for so long - I'm amazed! )
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Old Oct 4th 2009, 6:10 pm
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

Any advice welcome. Any experiences, pitfalls to avoid etc?[/QUOTE]

Hi.

My daughter was 11 when we did a recce on our own for a week. We came home after the week in BC and told our kids that we were going to try and move there. (We'd not completed any paperwork at this stage).

As they hadn't seen the place - we told them about it straight away, told them what we would need to do and told them that we think it will be about a year until we move. The first conversation around the dinner table was "so kids, what do you think about moving to Canada" - they were a little shocked and a few tears followed when they thought of Football teams and friends - but we then had the whole year to work on it!

We showed them as much info on the web as we could - things they could see, sights, animals - weather, nearby stuff to do. The schools and anything we found out we'd tell them straight.

They went to school and told all their friends we were thinking of moving - we told our parents/relatives and just got on with day to day life. We made sure we kept Canada positive - an adventure and all the ups and downs of paperwork out of their ears.

It got exciting and depressing to sell all of their stuff, bikes were the main thing that grated on them a little - seeing them go down the road with another kid and then them saying "I don't have a bike anymore" - so it was quickly met with - yeah but we'll be able to shop for a new one in Canada - soon appeased them.

My two had oodles of stuff which they had from parents/grand parents and relatives over their life in the UK = they had the tv's, stereos and all that - we've been here a year and they don't have any of that back.....im not planning to get it either. They have their bikes and their fishing rods and are always outdoors doing something. I thought they would whinge - but they have been diamonds im really proud.

The few days before we left the UK, it was sad as the grandparents were around us alot - the morning we left there were alot of tears and I made sure (after a friend warned me) that no-one came to the airport with us apart from my brother who dropped us (literally lol) off in his van. We cried for about 4 miles up the road and then all said - "hey were going to flipping canada man - how cool is that' and our adventure began.

They were good all the way - a few tears rolling down my cheek as I saw England disappear out the plane window.

When we finally got off the ferry on Vancouver Island we travelled a few K's and I had the moment of validation........."woooooow.....it is just beautiful mum".....sigh of relief I can tell you

They've made great friends, sleepovers galore, outdoors sports and walks and loads of snow last winter....I asked them if they'd like to go home.....NO WAY - thank goodness!

Sorry to waffle just struck a chord with me......the Xmas before we left we got our Megs (11) a laptop and told her it was so she could keep in contact with all her friends back home when we moved....she still does and emails them pictures and wot not - it was also our first line of communication for all of us when we got here.

GOOD LUCK - just get it off your chest with them and then work on it for the next however long....the fact they've seen the place before should give them an idea of living here

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Old Oct 5th 2009, 2:41 am
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Default Re: How to tell an 11 year old you are emigrating

Originally Posted by ann m

(how on earth have you managed to keep this all so quiet for so long - I'm amazed! )
My thoughts exactly...........
How did you get through the medicals without telling a 11yr old what they was for ???
wow i am shocked, i know that alot of people do this move differently, but i have always included my kids, yep the oldest is 11 as well, my other 2 younger, but they all had a input into the move over and we addressed there fears from the beginning, they came on the recci trips no matter how hard that was, also made sure they knew what we was doing, as we needed to know if they wanted to do it as much as we wanted it............
All i can say is good luck, kids adapt well

LB
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