sparkling_gal

My teenagers have gone from wanting to move to Canada - to being against it, thanks to input from their friends and my fifteen year old son's girlfriend.

We hope to move in the summer but it's driving me round the bend. My 15 year old son has a girlfriend. He really wanted to move to Canada before he met her. Now he admits that if he wasn't seeing her - he would still want to move but instead, he wants to stay here and live with his dad, or grandparents.

But they don't want him to live with them, so he can stay with his girlfriend. He has bought her a cheap ring and says he is engaged. And to make matters worse, I found messages from her persuading him that it would be a good idea to have a baby with her, so he doesn't have to move. They have even been researching what government grants and stuff they can get, for the planned baby.

I haven't tried to stop him seeing her, incase I make things worse but I worry about what is going to happen between now and the summer. At first, he agreed to try living in Canada for a year, to see if he liked it but when she found out, she persuaded him out of it.

He had a serious accident about three months ago, which caused damage to his brain - it was after all that the engagement, pregnancy stuff etc came about.

And he's also been influencing his sister, to put her off moving. Eg - he told her one of his mates was going to commit suicide if we moved.

I don't know what to do - I feel bad forcing them to move but I don't want them to stay here and ruin their lives having kids at 15 either.

I've read all the teenage moving threads and I'm betting they'll settle in fine, once they get to Canada. I guess it's what happens between now and then that's worrying me sick. Do I try to stop him seeing her, given that she wants to get pregnant?

el_richo

I don't really have anything constructive to say but i feel your son needs a size 12 boot shove firmly up his arse and his dirty chav girlfriend needs to be push out of the picture.

Good luck with it all

lousid

Tough one, that. Talk to and visit as many single mums in the area, teenage mums and dads, youth care workers and get in touch with the same at his/her school(s). Get them to see the error of their ways. Pretending that having a baby will solve all their problems will be a massive eye-opener, if handled appropriately. Get help with this. ALL the stats point to a life of misery and regret if they're allowed to (or if they allow themselves to) keep up with their ill-fated plans.

Ask his friends of the same age what they think of their matey-boy becoming a dad at such a young age. When costs, lack of future options, loss of social life and plenty of sleep deprived nights are all laid out on the table - all from various horses' mouths - they'll, perhaps, change their minds.

If they're serious, you could always point out the possibility of their moving to be together over to Canada at some future point, which could be viewed as a life changing adventure ... who knows what the teenage mind really thinks...

Try talking to the pros at the clinics and school. It's a positive start. You could also try chatting with the girl's parents ... just a thought. I'm sure they'd be as horrifed as you to learn that their little cherub is making life-altering decisions. Talk to her dad ... that'll have the desired effect.

Lousid

Alberta_Rose

I have little to say as I read this, horrified ...

...but I think the above advice (Lousid's) is top-notch!

sparkling_gal

[QUOTE=el_richo;8233023]I don't really have anything constructive to say but i feel your son needs a size 12 boot shove firmly up his arse and his dirty chav girlfriend needs to be push out of the picture.

Good luck with it all [/QUOTE

Thanks. The size 12 boot is v tempting - I'm really beginning to lose my patience with him.

sparkling_gal

Thanks Louise - this is great advice and I'll definitely try it. Only thing is, I don't think the girl's parents will care. Her sisters all had baby's v young, so it seems like it's normal to them.

dbd33

Forgive me if I missed a major point but isn't the situation here that you want to go to Canada while your son doesn't. He hates the idea so much that he's willing to bang up some random girl and suffer the consequences rather than go.

It's not obvious to me why he would want to go. If there's some reason why it's a good idea then maybe you can sell it to him. If not then the proper thing to do would be to find an arrangement by which he can stay in England without having to be a father.

sparkling_gal

He did want to go to Canada, he was really looking forward to it, until he met the girl. She is not the kind of girl we want him to wind up with - doesn't go to school etc, so his dad won't let him live with him, so he can carry on seeing her.

I fear that she would try to get pregnant anyway, even if he didn't go to Canada.

farjojo71

Jesus!! Your head must be in pieces!! I have 3 children and I know if this was my son, I would drag him onto the next available flight and get him the hell away from that girl!! God you must want to punch her lights out!! I'm furious here for you!! (hence the excessive use of !!! sorry )

You can tell your son about my life as a teenage parent if you like, I'm not ashamed because it is what it is but I make it a mission in my life to try and deter these silly little girls from thinking its great to 'play doll'.

I had my eldest son at 16.5 years old. Thought it would be great...get myself a council house, get money off the social...living a life of riley. Ermm reality check young Joanne!! What it turned out to be was the hardest time of my entire life to date!! Not having any money after paying bills to buy enough food to feed me and my son....so he would eat and I wouldn't! The most desperate I got? When I peeled potatoes to cook for my son to eat....and then I ate the peelings because I didn't have enough food for me! It was so humiliating, I felt like a tramp on the streets!

I remember many occasions when I didn't have enough money for the electric meter to last the week so it would usually run out by the Saturday so I would spend the rest of the weekend without electricity until I got money again on the Monday. I remember many a time lying in my bedroom at night after my son was in bed, using candles for light because I was still scared of the dark and sobbing my heart out as I was petrified!

Wishing and praying that my child wouldn't grow too quickly because I didn't have the money to buy him new clothes. I cherish my 2 other children's growth spurts now because it is a relief that I am able to provide for them the way I couldn't for my eldest child. I sound all doom and gloom but I wouldn't change anything now as my son is now 22 and doing exceptionally well in the Navy....thankfully he doesn't remember all the early years.

I just want you to give your son a reality check from me...I know what I'm talking about and its ridiculously hard to be a parent relying on government handouts. Sorry telling my life story to anyone reading this....I'm just so passionate about this subject

Good luck with this

Alberta_Rose

It sounds absolutely grim!

Good for you for turning your life around and surviving despite it all!

Helen Parnell

I really feel you and your family. I am fortunate to have moved my sons when they were younger.

So if the size 12 boot doesn't work, then the only choice you have is talking. As well as the excellent advice of the posts above there are two other points or angle you could take.

1. stay, get yourself a job at 16 and sort it out for you and your girlfriend, your dad doesn't want you and your grandparents don't either and there is no money coming to help you. There is a bed for you in Canada whenever you want to come over. Of course this will be very hard, but i think you may already be there.

2. ask him what he wants in life, good job, money to go down to the pub, play sports, nice house, christmas with the family sitting round a fire etc etc and then ask him if he seriously thinks he will get it by getting his girlfriend pregnant and having to do #1 above!

Good luck and let us know how it all works out.

farjojo71

Thanks Rose...it was a horrid time in my life...I now say I obviously would still like to have had my eldest...just not as young as I did because any good quality of life was over for a long time.

Can I just add, because I didn't mention it on my long post, that I didn't intentionally set out to get knocked up...I was one of those 'oh it will never happen to me' girls!

farjojo71

That's a really good approach and it might have to come to it. Maybe the Canada plans still don't seem real to him at the moment but they sure would if you left! Maybe try a bit of reverse psychology on him....he is doing the usual teenage rebelling thing of 'dont tell me what to do etc' so how about being a bit flippant with him and saying 'stay if you want but we are still going'. I would even go so far as to lie and say you had booked the flights.

Jingsamichty

There's a reason that children don't get any rights until age 16.

Don't try to reason with a 15 year old boy who's getting his end away... he ain't listening to anyone but his groin.

Regardless of your emigration, you as a responsible parent have got to decide if this relationship is a Good Thing or a Bad Thing for your boy. If it's the latter, you have to take action. You've got the final say with a 15 year old, whether he likes it or not.

Butch Cassidy

In the figurative as detailed below



Well that is of course an alternative view (and one with its own merits)

Great Post Jo
As others said so glad things have (are) worked out for you now.

Pardon?