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Five years and homesickness increasing..

Five years and homesickness increasing..

Old May 29th 2019, 8:28 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

I agree with scilly, I think Tirytory is simply in the wrong part of Canada. Muskoka looks like rural sprawl, which means it's likely very isolating, very conservative and little to actually really experience or enjoy there. Just from looking at Google maps, I think I would be miserable there as well! In my opinion, the best life in Canada is usually to be had in the major cities, outside of them it quickly becomes a bit of a wasteland in my opinion unless you specifically want that rural kind of lifestyle. Living in the country in the UK is completely different from rural Canada - in the UK there's still usually towns, shops, maybe even a rail connection to a city. In rural Canada, there's usually much less you're much more on your own. So if not a move to BC, perhaps a move to somewhere where there's more going on at least.

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Old May 29th 2019, 9:08 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by CanadaJimmy
I agree with scilly, I think Tirytory is simply in the wrong part of Canada. Muskoka looks like rural sprawl, which means it's likely very isolating, very conservative and little to actually really experience or enjoy there. Just from looking at Google maps, I think I would be miserable there as well! In my opinion, the best life in Canada is usually to be had in the major cities, outside of them it quickly becomes a bit of a wasteland in my opinion unless you specifically want that rural kind of lifestyle. Living in the country in the UK is completely different from rural Canada - in the UK there's still usually towns, shops, maybe even a rail connection to a city. In rural Canada, there's usually much less you're much more on your own. So if not a move to BC, perhaps a move to somewhere where there's more going on at least.
Whatever part of Canada I’m in, it will never “feel” like home though. Vancouver sounds like a good fit, but we’re not going to move there either.

Muskoka has has been described as the Hamptons of Canada. Lots of lakes, rich cottagers, plenty going on. That’s partly it’s saving grace, is that there is plenty of outside activity to do which suits our family well.
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Old May 29th 2019, 9:23 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Paul_Shepherd
I think thats your reason right there, you left your happy life for someone else's desires. Thats tough.....as one of you is going to be unhappy, I assume you husband is happy with his new life? would he be unhappy in the UK? I guess it comes down to who would be the most unhappy in which country, and up to the other to compromise for them.
I think his job in the UK would make him unhappy, rather than the UK itself. He’s a GP and would have to go back into the NHS (for how much longer?🤔) He’s willing to go though, it makes it worse, because it’s on me to decide and make a decision that could change everyone’s course of life, especially when my son is nearly 14...
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Old May 30th 2019, 10:27 am
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Tirytory


Whatever part of Canada I’m in, it will never “feel” like home though. Vancouver sounds like a good fit, but we’re not going to move there either.

Muskoka has has been described as the Hamptons of Canada. Lots of lakes, rich cottagers, plenty going on. That’s partly it’s saving grace, is that there is plenty of outside activity to do which suits our family well.
I think that's always one of the main problems. The UK isn't your home, so you have no reason to feel homesick, grief yes, but not homesickness.
Home is where you hang your hat, and changing your thought pattern to reflect that could help a great deal.
I've never suffered from homesickness and I think embracing each new place as home has been paramount in that. It wouldn't be possible for me to be homesick as I am always home, bar vacations. There are things I miss about other countries we've lived in, but only in passing fancy.

Very often grief can muddy the issues and make it seem like something else is to blame, or you pin all the blame on one scapegoat issue.
As others have suggested why not try another place in Canada?
We've moved province once already, and we're in the last few weeks of rounding things up here before we move again and its quite surprising just how different the provinces are. That sounds silly, but they are world's apart from each other in some ways.

Another thing I've found is that when you move somewhere you really have to work to carve out a life for yourself, you can't just rest on your laurels and have all the social connections etc that you had in the place you grew up in. Five years is not a long time to have created that network, it takes much longer to build, and its natural to go through ups and downs.

The plus side is that you get to design your life exactly as you want it, including all the people in your life .

Are there any simple things you could do to increase your happiness? Like taking up a new hobby, or learning a new skill?

As for worrying about war, famine, death - do you think that's just anxiety manifesting as you're unhappy about where you live?

You only get one life, and a family is only as happy as it's least happy member. That said, if you returned the UK would your husband and kids end up resenting you for it? Would you just be in the exact same situation that you are now, but with them as the unhappy ones? Is that something you're prepared to risk?

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Old May 30th 2019, 10:29 am
  #65  
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Sorry, that sounded much harsher that it meant.
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Old May 30th 2019, 2:50 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by raindropsandroses

As for worrying about war, famine, death - do you think that's just anxiety manifesting as you're unhappy about where you live?



​​​​​
Nope, I’m worrying about as it’s a very real prospect for my children and grandchildren. I’ll be dead but they won’t be.

If you’re not scared, then you probably don’t know enough about it.

Last edited by Tirytory; May 30th 2019 at 2:56 pm.
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Old May 30th 2019, 2:56 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

I honestly don’t get the logic of:

Feel Homesick? Move to a different part of Canada!

It implies that Canada is the be all and end all and nowhere could be better. I also don’t understand why having worked dam hard to build our network of friends that I would then chuck it all to see if the grass was greener in a different part of Canada.

It may well relate to the fact that we liked where we lived in the UK, and we’d lived in several different parts of it. There was no huge push out of the UK that seems to drive other immigrants.

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Old May 30th 2019, 3:03 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Hi Tirytory - it's been a while! At some point a while back, am I right that you were thinking you'd stick it out in the Muskokas as partnering into a rural practice was the best option for your OH, and that eventually you'd look at moving closer to a larger population centre? Perhaps I'm imagining that, but if not, what's the current thinking on that front? I do seem to remember that you've never really bought into the "it's all about the toys" mentality that seems to dominate the seasonal crowd on the lakes; it's certainly hard to reconcile that with environmental responsibility! But not all of Ontario is about Doug Ford and his climate-change-denying cronies. Hell, Guelph even sent a Green Party MPP to Queens Park in the same election.

Clearly what you need to do, though, is come back to Toronto for another session in the Yard. It's about time we had another BE get together (not that I'm volunteering to organize one - the last one I was responsible for I ended up not even being able to attend myself, I think there were about three people there...). Think of it as a kill-or-cure session - we'll either convince you to stay or you'll be so appalled at the state of your fellow expats you'll be on the next plane back to Blighty...
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Old May 30th 2019, 3:06 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Tirytory


Nope, I’m worrying about as it’s a very real prospect for my children and grandchildren. I’ll be dead but they won’t be.

If you’re not scared, then you probably don’t know enough about it.
Actually this is my particular professional field, and nope I'm not scared. From time to time we'd get juniors to the field or admin/support staff who become scared and worried and we support them with professional help.
A little bit of knowledge is often dangerous and just creates anxiety for some folks.

Have you tried some counselling or professional support? Your posts come across as very defensive, which can't be helpful to the open mindset needed for achieving personal happiness. Sounds a bit Stepford but its true.



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Old May 30th 2019, 3:11 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by raindropsandroses
Actually this is my particular professional field, and nope I'm not scared. From time to time we'd get juniors to the field or admin/support staff who become scared and worried and we support them with professional help.
A little bit of knowledge is often dangerous and just creates anxiety for some folks.

Have you tried some counselling or professional support? Your posts come across as very defensive, which can't be helpful to the open mindset needed for achieving personal happiness. Sounds a bit Stepford but its true.



​​​​​​
Really, what is your field in Climate Change?

It’s kind of funny that you apologized for sounding harsh and then call me defensive. I sometimes wonder if not loving Canada to the utmost degree and preferring to live elsewhere is an insult to people who have chosen to adopt it as home.
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Old May 30th 2019, 3:12 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Oakvillian
Hi Tirytory - it's been a while! At some point a while back, am I right that you were thinking you'd stick it out in the Muskokas as partnering into a rural practice was the best option for your OH, and that eventually you'd look at moving closer to a larger population centre? Perhaps I'm imagining that, but if not, what's the current thinking on that front? I do seem to remember that you've never really bought into the "it's all about the toys" mentality that seems to dominate the seasonal crowd on the lakes; it's certainly hard to reconcile that with environmental responsibility! But not all of Ontario is about Doug Ford and his climate-change-denying cronies. Hell, Guelph even sent a Green Party MPP to Queens Park in the same election.

Clearly what you need to do, though, is come back to Toronto for another session in the Yard. It's about time we had another BE get together (not that I'm volunteering to organize one - the last one I was responsible for I ended up not even being able to attend myself, I think there were about three people there...). Think of it as a kill-or-cure session - we'll either convince you to stay or you'll be so appalled at the state of your fellow expats you'll be on the next plane back to Blighty...
Hello! How is your lovely daughter getting on? That sounds like a plan!
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Old May 30th 2019, 3:16 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Tirytory
I honestly don’t get the logic of:

Feel Homesick? Move to a different part of Canada!

It implies that Canada is the be all and end all and nowhere could be better. I also don’t understand why having worked dam hard to build our network of friends that I would then chuck it all to see if the grass was greener in a different part of Canada.

It may well relate to the fact that we liked where we lived in the UK, and we’d lived in several different parts of it. There was no huge push out of the UK that seems to drive other immigrants.
Didn't see this before posting my previous response. I absolutely take your point: if you're really homesick, then moving somewhere else that still isn't "home" is only displacing, rather than resolving, the issue.

IMO there are two real considerations. First is to do with the strength of the network - family, friends, local acquaintances - that you left behind. I was in the questionably-fortunate position of having had a very peripatetic youth and young adulthood, never having lived in one place for more than about three and a half years, so I had no significant local connections - and with both of my parents being only children and therefore with no first cousins, there was certainly not a strong extended family to keep me in the UK. So there was little trepidation for me in moving to Canada. But I can absolutely see that somebody who grew up in a small town, with a big family, and a strong local network of friends, would find it much more difficult to replicate any of that in another country. By the sounds of it you've built a reasonable local network up in cottage country, but it's in no way a substitute for what you left behind.

The second is, as has been mentioned many times up-thread, to manage the expectations of what you would return to. Life moves on; other people have grown apart from the life you had in common, their kids have grown up at the same rate as yours; the local community has probably changed shape a fair bit too. So while it's tempting to look back on things fondly, I think it's sound advice to take a trip to the UK to test the waters, to try to imagine yourself living there, to imagine your kids in school, your commute to work, etc etc. If that's still more appealing to you than the life you've made in Canada, then it's really a question of persuading the rest of your family to understand how you feel, rather than subsuming your own emotional needs because everyone else seems happy here.
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Old May 30th 2019, 3:18 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

My profession is very niche and I am well known within my field, if I gave any additional details you'd be able to learn almost everything about me from Google, and I value my privacy. Not to mention some very unflattering, ghastly pictures of me. No thanks!

​​​​​Harsh and defensive are different things though aren't they.

No, what I and others are saying is that if you go back to the UK you risk your husband and son being unhappy like you are now. Is that a price you're prepared to pay?
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Old May 30th 2019, 3:29 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Tirytory


Hello! How is your lovely daughter getting on? That sounds like a plan!
Thanks for asking! She's doing well (OK, she's a grumpy almost-teenager, so it's hard to tell sometimes, but seems to be mostly operating within expected parameters!!) - finished another successful sledge hockey season and now mostly bombing round the track in a racing chair... We're all really excited to be finally within sight of moving back into our house after 15 months of construction - it's all properly wheelchair-friendly and, as there's now an elevator and fully accessible bathrooms, it'll serve my OH and I well into our dotage
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Old May 30th 2019, 3:32 pm
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Default Re: Five years and homesickness increasing..

Originally Posted by Oakvillian
Didn't see this before posting my previous response. I absolutely take your point: if you're really homesick, then moving somewhere else that still isn't "home" is only displacing, rather than resolving, the issue.

IMO there are two real considerations. First is to do with the strength of the network - family, friends, local acquaintances - that you left behind. I was in the questionably-fortunate position of having had a very peripatetic youth and young adulthood, never having lived in one place for more than about three and a half years, so I had no significant local connections - and with both of my parents being only children and therefore with no first cousins, there was certainly not a strong extended family to keep me in the UK. So there was little trepidation for me in moving to Canada. But I can absolutely see that somebody who grew up in a small town, with a big family, and a strong local network of friends, would find it much more difficult to replicate any of that in another country. By the sounds of it you've built a reasonable local network up in cottage country, but it's in no way a substitute for what you left behind.

The second is, as has been mentioned many times up-thread, to manage the expectations of what you would return to. Life moves on; other people have grown apart from the life you had in common, their kids have grown up at the same rate as yours; the local community has probably changed shape a fair bit too. So while it's tempting to look back on things fondly, I think it's sound advice to take a trip to the UK to test the waters, to try to imagine yourself living there, to imagine your kids in school, your commute to work, etc etc. If that's still more appealing to you than the life you've made in Canada, then it's really a question of persuading the rest of your family to understand how you feel, rather than subsuming your own emotional needs because everyone else seems happy here.
I have doing a fair amount of that this week, and the thread has been interesting in the questions it poses. It’s not like I haven been in this situation before (and posted about it) and still made the same decision that this is the place to be, for many reasons, mostly to do with other people.

My heart aches for the wrong decisions made though. If I had a time machine...
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