neekie

She doesnt mean it. She is just upset. After 6 months of missing you and her grandkids she will be on the 1st flight out there, will be winding you up after 2 days then you will be glad to see the back of her when she leaves! Then the whole process will start again a year later. Honestly though, she will come round.

tobapaul

My Mum was unsure when we left for Canada, but after a few visits she now sees it as being the best thing for her children & grandchildren.
As a parent I want my children to live their own life & not mine children are not possessions.

I think the following is quite appropriate.

…They come through you but they are not from you
And though they are with you
They belong not to you
You can give them your love
But not your thoughts…
You cannot make them just like you
"The Prophet,” by Kalil Gibran,[/COLOR]

neekie

…They come through you but they are not from you
And though they are with you
They belong not to you
You can give them your love
But not your thoughts…
You cannot make them just like you
"The Prophet,” by Kalil Gibran,[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

Very poignant and so true

chicagojlo

Your mum will come around. She is cutting off her nose to spite her face. If you tell her that you're going regardless of any further guilt trips she has up her sleeve, and that it's her choice whether it's on good terms or bad, then she will know that it's up to her. In the end it will be her loss. Remember that she is the parent here!
In my case it's also jealousy on my mother's part that causes the problems. But she also stated she would never visit us in the US (where we currently are) because she's one of those Brits who has simply decided she hates the place despite never having been here or having even met an American. I told her that if she wanted to spend the $$$ on getting flights for us all to the UK she was welcome but it was her missing out not us.

beaumonts

thanks and thanks to op for starting this thread I think I will be popping back to see what others say too - i think this forum is going to be a god send over the next few weeks

live to ski

Again put it back to them. How about "I find it sad that you don't want the best for your grandchildren". Up to you how far you push it with words such as "selfish" and "putting your own happiness before others".

Lots of examples on here of people who had threats never to visit, disinherit, etc. but those are the ones that seem to spend most of their time out here visiting!

Mr L2S has asked me what happens if my parents want to follow us out here....we've agreed that my father can by himself, but we won't let my mother!

Purley

"Your mum will come around. She is cutting off her nose to spite her face. If you tell her that you're going regardless of any further guilt trips she has up her sleeve, and that it's her choice whether it's on good terms or bad, then she will know that it's up to her. In the end it will be her loss. Remember that she is the parent here!
In my case it's also jealousy on my mother's part that causes the problems. But she also stated she would never visit us in the US (where we currently are) because she's one of those Brits who has simply decided she hates the place despite never having been here or having even met an American. I told her that if she wanted to spend the $$$ on getting flights for us all to the UK she was welcome but it was her missing out not us."

That was the perfect response. I am a mother and a grandmother and I find it totally and completely selfish and unreasonable that a parent would take that attitude. Of course if one of my sons decided to move to another country I wouldnt be over the moon, but once I knew that they had given the decision the proper consideration, I would support them all the way.

To me any parent that lays a guilt trip on their grown up children for wanting to emigrate is so bloody selfish that they don't deserve to have children and they certainly don't deserve to have the children cancel their plans to please a selfish mother or father.

Sorry if I sound incensed about this subject, but its one that gets right up my nose to the point where I sometimes refuse to read such posts or to reply to them!

chicagojlo

Same here, my dad can come but my mother can get stuffed! Not that she'd ever dream of asking anyway. The inlaws are definitely allowed to come but they probably wouldn't.
My dad actually turned down a job in Boston when I was a teenager because my mum wouldn't have any of it. What could have been...

rae

this is exactly what my M-I-L did to my wife, (she does not speak to me-bliss!!). 6mths later, she e-mails, sends packages, telephones, skype, and is coming to visit in summer. all this from a point where she basically disowned us all, emotionally and financially. I hope i never say the hurtful things she has said, to my child if i find myself in this situation, she caused a load of grief and for what, very hypocritical with a short memory. Hopefully in time you can find yourself being the bigger person as she comes around.

cov-canuck

My parents had already left us (they already emigrated to the US...after uprooting us as little kids and moving us to England, they then "abandoned" us as soon as we were all out of the house, lol!), they were thrilled at us moving to Canada.

My OH's parents originally started out saying they were happy for us, and wish they would have done it when they were younger. As the fact that it wasn't just talk and was something we were actually going to do they got a little worse, but surprised me, they never once said "don't go". His sister did...the night before we flew.

We deliberately did the move before we had kids - having been through it as a kid I wouldn't want to put a child through it if it could be avoided, and we thought it would be easier to leave if there were no grandchildren involved.

My general attitude is parents can raise their kids, but trying to keep them around and under your thumb is just damn selfish. Emigrating for a better life for you and your children trumps their complaints hands down.

Alberta_Rose

I think I'd tell them that you have been in Canada long enough that you now have the right to come and go as you wish as residents. Don't mention the word permanent though!

My mother in law said exactly the same thing to me ..... have they been talking??

It's now 2 1/2 years later and she still has every intention of holding that line. To be fair she is getting on a bit, but my parents have been out and survived to tell the tale, and they are of the same age. When we left, I told her "Nobody's dying. It's not like you will never see any of us again!"
And she said, "Don't be so sure about that" ..... a remark I chose not to hear at the time.

At first I thought she just couldn't handle flying out alone. I suggested that Hubby go over and bring her back with him (rather selflessly i thought, cos we don't get on THAT well!) Anyway, that's when she fed me the "couldn't bear to break my heart all over again" line.

I have to admit I felt quite angry with her, and that she's making this harder on herself than it needs to be ... playing the martyr etc. I understand that she is a lonely old woman. Hubby was her one and only and his father died the year before we decided to come here.

It was gut-wrenching, leaving her, but if we'd waited until she "no longer needed us" (euphemism!!!) we never would have been able to come. She still cries down the phone to him, and doesn't often speak to me. I'm sure she feels I am totally to blame as her darling son would never abandon his mother in this terrible fashion. She refused (or maybe truy was unable) to come to terms with her PC .... my mum sends and opens emails, an loves getting pics!

I range from indifference to annoyance to terrible guilt in fairly equal proportions. To do her credit, I am not aware of any direct approach to the kids, but when she cries pathetically "all I ask is that you will come home to bury me!" I have to admit to an urge to throttle her!

Caitilin

thank god my parents only response was from my mum 'that i was a lucky little madam and that she wished she could do that' and from my dad 'you are aware that it will put you back financially about eight years?'....lol

my brother just thinks i'm mad for not wanting to sit still and build up some equity somewhere.

Of course, when it comes to family..when I first started fillling int the forms, it asked about my family, and I dutifully started filling it in for mum, dad, brohter...before it twigged that they meant descending family, not ascending!

ladymoose

About a year before we came to Canada, we started talking about going to Oz - we were semi-serious - realised after a while though that although we wanted to go somewhere - Oz wasn't it.

So we started to look at other countries and ended up picking Canada.

During the Oz conversations, my mum did the wailing and moaning and bitching etc - by the time we told her Oz was off and Canada was on, she was so relieved that we weren't going all the way round the other side of the world that she was actually happy for us!

It's a sneaky ruse - which we discovered by accident - but others could use it if they have the option of forward planning.

live to ski

I like it Ladymoose - tell the parents that we either have to become residents (not mentioning the permanent bit - thanks Morwenna) in Canada or else we'll have to move to Oz.

My mother thinks that a 5 hour flight is long, hence thinks Vancouver is the other side of the world! I'll mention the actual length of flight to Oz, plus she doesn't like the heat, so hopefully she'll be relieved at Vancouver!

pinkmcfarquhar

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggg ghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

just typed a long reply to this - clicked in the wrong place and lost it.

so, can't be bothered typing it all, so heres a summary

we were lucky - my mum and dad very supportive. although, like live to ski we were a bit creative with details - company wanted OH to transfer, had to apply for PR so i could work! mum 80% happy for us, 20% sad because she was going to miss us

in-laws - happy for us, but sad because they are in a care home, so only now see us when we visit. try and keep them involved with letters/photos every couple of weeks as we can't speak to them, but i do feel quite cut off from them.

computers are great - keep in touch with family really easily using skype/facebook/email. my 87 year old granpa now has a facebook page and has just discovered his 19year old grandaughters (not me) hobbies are drinking and sex!!

my granny (99) very happy as she has a railway pension so can come over to visit on the train. (suffers from dementia, she originally thought I was running away with Santa when we told her - still can't work out if that was a link with snow or if canada sounded like santa).

So, no real help to the op, but just a description of how our family were - hope it works out for you.