jamie677

Hi just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to get my teenage son to settle,we have just moved to okotoks 7 weeks ago and he has just started school and he hates it and wants to go back to the uk.
We are all settling ok but he misses his friends and has not made any new ones.
Any help would be great.
jamie

Getting There

Hi neighbour,

That's tough. Similar topics came up here quite recently. Worth a read.
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...nage%2A+settle
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...nage%2A+settle
If nothing else, it lets you know that this is not entirely unusual.

We had a quick scan back over your past posts. He likes his XBox gaming and a bit of heavy metal music & guitar playing, is that right? Is there any way you can use that to channel his focus...there must be others with similar interests locally. Could you get him to start his own band...get him to advertise for other band members...maybe it'd help people gravitate towards him rather than him feeling he has to make all the running to make friends? Long shot this but what prospect of one of his friends making a trip out here to see him...at the moment he's thinking the grass is greener back home...having a friend come here and be gobsmacked at how you live here might shift his perceptions? If he has only just started school, with the best will in the world, that's probably going to be tough for the first few days and weeks...have you got him signed up for any school activities (even if he doesn't necessarily want to do that much). One breakthrough with a potential friend might begin to turn the tide.

Fingers crossed his Okotokian life begins to spark soon.

Eamonn & Janet.
PS...would love to chat to you offline about your husband's role as a carpenter. Would you mind PMing me and maybe we could email or chat. We know a couple of people looking to get out this way in your husband's trade and any pointers would be good.

The Hampsons

I'm sure once he's settled into school and made a few new friends, he'll start to acclimatise to your new life. Him being a teenager isn't going to help your situation. He really needs to try to a little to fit in, as it's always difficult for newbies to find a place for themselves in a new school and peer group.
Do you have SKYPE? It's FREE software that wil allow your son to talk to his friends in the UK using webcam and the pc so they can visually, as well as verbally, keep in touch. He may find this will help him by showing his friends what he has come to.
I think it's really going to be a matter of time for this to sort itself out.

bananahammock

Hi jamie

My son was 13 when we arrived ......... the high school 'buddied' him with another English kid but they had nothing in common as my son supports Southampton & the other kid was a Man U fan! ...... the teachers thought they were being helpful

I asked him how it was going regularly when he first started but he's a funny soul, was quite shy & doesn't like to upset/worry anyone so always said he was OK ...... I went to see his counsellor (didn't tell him ~ never have) & asked her if she could keep an eye & she noticed he was spending a fair bit of time on his own .......... so we devised a plan

He came home the following day noticably happier & said that some kids had come up to him at recess & asked him if he was Jordan from England, when he said yes they said 'great we're your new best friends ... come with us!'

And off he went ....... he's found his own niche now, has his own circle of friends & loves high school, that extra boost of confidence did him the world of good ....... I thought he did pretty well & settled in after a couple of weeks, when I asked him recently to be honest & tell me how long it took him to settle in school he said pretty much the first year which was quite a surprise to me ........... saying that ....... I've been here nearly 3yrs & am not entirely settled so what can I expect eh?!!


Each to their own, I understand all kids are different but the MSN/Skype thing didn't work for him .... to his mind he needed to have new friends & has never bothered with either ~ it's a struggle to get him to talk to his own grandparents! ........ my 19yr old girl! ... well, that's another story .........

jamie677

Thanks for all your advice.
He talks to his friends everyday on xbox live and on msn,so he is staying in touch with them,but i don't know if thats a good or bad thing,they didnt buddy him up with anyone because its a new school year and the principle said they only do that if they joint in the middle of the year.
I v told him he has to give it time ,so we will just have to see how he goes,fingers crossed he will come round soon.
jamie

Alberta_Rose

Hi Jamie,

I wonder if it's worth talking to the principal again (or perhaps the class tutor)?

I don't think it's fair to compare your kid to the others and say they are all in the same boat just cos it's the start of the school year. Your son knows nobody in the country, so it's not like he can see his old friends at evenings and weekends even.

I think it's worth stressing that you have just moved halfway around the world, and the success of your immigration is largely dependent on you all being happy and settled in your new home, new life. Try talking to them again .... don't let things go on too long.

Our boy was 14 when we arrived, three years ago yesterday. He started school in September and was buddied up. Soon his new friends were inviting him round to sleepovers, and hanging out after school which left little time for msn and XBox live to UK, especially with the time difference!

To begin with he talked about wanting to go back and see his old friends a lot, but we decided to leave it at least a year (though we didn't actually say that, just kept not committing to anything). He went back with me for the first time, this summer, and was very pleased to get back home to Canada after ten days!!

ClareBC

Does the school have a school counselor? Have you discussed it with him/her.

Surely he has only had one week of school so far - what has he think of his new school? Is he finding the work ok?

Woodstock62

Hi,

Sorry your son is having a hard time settling in. 7 weeks really isn't long, especially seeing as how school has only just started. But I'm sure it feels like a lifetime to him.

Which school is your son going to? We live in Okotoks and have a son of 16. He loves it here and is very settled. He is in a band too. Maybe it would help your son if they could chat?

PM me if he is interested.

Butch Cassidy

LOL,

I was just about to suggest that the OP sought you out

jasonlisa

Hi Jamie, sorry to hear your son isn't finding it easy. The advice given so far has all been very good and well worth a try. We haven't moved yet, but are in the process and these are all tips I'll remember for the future, should we be in that situation!

Work in a UK senior school, we've just had our new starters this week, and it's a difficult time for everyone, regardless of where they've come from. Of course he has a wider range of unsettled feelings because everything has changed for him, but still there will be many other children feeling anxious.

Perhaps explaining/acknowledging that his feelings are normal will help- you know what teenagers are like, they are confused between desperately trying to fit in- balanced with expressing their own individuality- no wonder they're confused! I guess lots of attention, talking it out (as much as you can with any 14 yr old boy!) and just giving it a lot more time are all you can do.

Good luck and I'm sure it will all work out for you and your family

Judy in Calgary

Sorry to hear this is happening, jamie677. I know how tough this is. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt, etc.

When our kids were teenagers, in the middle of their international moves and finding it very tough, we got some feedback from a couple who were a bit older than we were. They were Irish, and we'd met them before we'd left South Africa. They'd had kids in primary (elementary) school in South Africa. Around the time that we emigrated to Canada, they returned to Ireland. After a few years in Ireland, they emigrated to Australia, where they remain to this day. So their kids had moved from Ireland to South Africa, then back to Ireland, then out to Australia.

At the time that we bumped into them in Australia some twenty years later, they told us an account of their son, then aged about thirty. He had just returned from a trip to South Africa, and during that trip he had visited his old school and spent some time with the kids in his old classroom (the one he had been in when he'd been about ten years old). The kids asked him all sorts of questions about his life and the countries in which he'd lived. He told them what a fantastic opportunity it had been for him to live in all those different countries, how eye-opening it had been for him, etc. The funny thing, from his parents' point of view, was how much he'd complained about moving at the time that the moves had taken place. He'd hated moving, and had been bitterly unhappy following each move. Yet, once he was an adult, he considered all that moving to have been the best thing that had happened to him.

It was diffilcult for us to visualize our kids ever feeling that way about moving. As I said, they were extremely distressed at the time that we heard this account. They were born in Canada and then they spent their teens moving from Canada to the USA, to Australia, and back to Canada again. It was so challenging for them to do that at a stage of their lives when their peers were so important to them and the loss of each set of peers was keenly felt.

Yet, now that our kids are in their mid-twenties, they spontaneously and repeatedly bring up the fact that they are so lucky to have lived in different countries, to have experienced different societies, etc. They both say that moving is the best thing that has happened to them so far.

But, boy oh boy, at the time it felt like sheer hell to me.

Anyway, I leave that thought with you, in case it offers you any hope for the future.
x

gingnut

Its still early days, there is still time to be hopefull that he will adjust. With school starting things may turn around.