Where did the joke thread go?
Oct 27th 2007, 9:49 pm
#1
BE Enthusiast
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2005
Location: In de bush
Posts: 756
Where did the joke thread go?
Or is it me?? Anyway, having just moved house and waiting two and a half weeks for Telstra and Bigpond to sort out my phone line and internet, I thought I'd share this...
This is an actual job application (apparently) that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the
first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOUHAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living inthe Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
Andy
This is an actual job application (apparently) that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the
first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOUHAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living inthe Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
Andy
Oct 27th 2007, 10:09 pm
#2
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 9,668
Re: Where did the joke thread go?
Or is it me?? Anyway, having just moved house and waiting two and a half weeks for Telstra and Bigpond to sort out my phone line and internet, I thought I'd share this...
This is an actual job application (apparently) that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the
first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOUHAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living inthe Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
Andy
This is an actual job application (apparently) that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the
first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOUHAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living inthe Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
Andy
There came upon the face of BE a search button and the Lord Gedge did command it...
And the search was made good and it did please the lord...
Behold!, he said, again, in a real drama queen manner... 'I am best pleased in the search function.'
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...ighlight=jokes
Oct 27th 2007, 10:15 pm
#3
BE Enthusiast
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2005
Location: In de bush
Posts: 756
Re: Where did the joke thread go?
And behold!
There came upon the face of BE a search button and the Lord Gedge did command it...
And the search was made good and it did please the lord...
Behold!, he said, again, in a real drama queen manner... 'I am best pleased in the search function.'
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...ighlight=jokes
There came upon the face of BE a search button and the Lord Gedge did command it...
And the search was made good and it did please the lord...
Behold!, he said, again, in a real drama queen manner... 'I am best pleased in the search function.'
http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...ighlight=jokes
Oct 27th 2007, 11:25 pm
#5
BE Enthusiast
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2005
Location: In de bush
Posts: 756
Oct 27th 2007, 11:28 pm
#6
Home Owner
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Hull
Posts: 377
Re: Where did the joke thread go?
I recently read about one of Sheriff Joe Arpaio's Maricopa
County Sheriff's Dept. Deputies stopping a man for rolling through the
4 way stop @Pima Rd. & Cave Creek Rd. in his Mercedes convertible in
that idyllic "Traffic Trap" know as Carefree, AZ the other day.
Apparently the motorist was a real jerk who jumped out and came
running back to the officer. The violator demanded to know why
he was being harassed by the "Gestapo!" So the officer
calmly told him of the stop sign violation.
The "Motorist" ... a Desert Mountain resident and former CEO
of a good sized public company..... instantly went
into a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer,
being a professional, apparently took it all in stride,
and calmly wrote the ticket.
The tirade went on without the cop saying anything. When he finished
writing the citation he put an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the citation. He then handed it to the
"Violator" for his signature.
The guy signed the citation angrily, tearing the paper,
and when presented with his copy ... he pointed to the "AH"
and demanded to know what it stood for. The officer then
removed his mirrored sunglasses, got in the middle of the guy's
face and slowly said ... in his best Clint Eastwood / Dirty Harry
impression....... "That's so .... when we go to court.......
I'll remember that you're an "ASSHOLE !"
Three months later they were in court. The "Violator" had
such a bad record that he was about to lose his license and
so he had hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand
the officer testified to seeing the man run the stop sign. Under
cross-examination, the defense attorney asked, "Officer,
is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
The Officer responded, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top."
The Attorney then asked....... "Officer, is there any particular
marking or notation on this citation?
The Officer responded........ "Yes sir, in the lower right corner
of the narrative there is an ''AH.''
The Attorney asked.......... "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
The Officer then said ........................."Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
The Attorney looked puzzled and questioned him further and
said........ "Aggressive and Hostile?"
The Officer replier.............. "Yes, Sir?
The Attorney paused and said........ "Officer, are you sure
it doesn't stand for ........ ASSHOLE?"
The Officer smiled and said........."Well, Sir..... you probably
know your client better than I do!"
County Sheriff's Dept. Deputies stopping a man for rolling through the
4 way stop @Pima Rd. & Cave Creek Rd. in his Mercedes convertible in
that idyllic "Traffic Trap" know as Carefree, AZ the other day.
Apparently the motorist was a real jerk who jumped out and came
running back to the officer. The violator demanded to know why
he was being harassed by the "Gestapo!" So the officer
calmly told him of the stop sign violation.
The "Motorist" ... a Desert Mountain resident and former CEO
of a good sized public company..... instantly went
into a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer,
being a professional, apparently took it all in stride,
and calmly wrote the ticket.
The tirade went on without the cop saying anything. When he finished
writing the citation he put an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the citation. He then handed it to the
"Violator" for his signature.
The guy signed the citation angrily, tearing the paper,
and when presented with his copy ... he pointed to the "AH"
and demanded to know what it stood for. The officer then
removed his mirrored sunglasses, got in the middle of the guy's
face and slowly said ... in his best Clint Eastwood / Dirty Harry
impression....... "That's so .... when we go to court.......
I'll remember that you're an "ASSHOLE !"
Three months later they were in court. The "Violator" had
such a bad record that he was about to lose his license and
so he had hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand
the officer testified to seeing the man run the stop sign. Under
cross-examination, the defense attorney asked, "Officer,
is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
The Officer responded, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top."
The Attorney then asked....... "Officer, is there any particular
marking or notation on this citation?
The Officer responded........ "Yes sir, in the lower right corner
of the narrative there is an ''AH.''
The Attorney asked.......... "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
The Officer then said ........................."Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
The Attorney looked puzzled and questioned him further and
said........ "Aggressive and Hostile?"
The Officer replier.............. "Yes, Sir?
The Attorney paused and said........ "Officer, are you sure
it doesn't stand for ........ ASSHOLE?"
The Officer smiled and said........."Well, Sir..... you probably
know your client better than I do!"
