teza

After 12yrs in Oz, only my dad has visited 2 times (in early years), 4 siblings have no plans to come over, ever, claiming it's too expensive even though they have been offered free accommodation, food and car, yet they can afford to go to Spain, Greece etc twice a year paying for hotels and food on top of flights . Would think in 12 yrs someone would have made an effort? And, yes, I have been back home.... and funny thing was, I told everyone I would be in such and such place at such time, all of you make an effort to see me there (20km drive max to everyone), instead of me taking public transport to visit 60+ ppl all over the place. Guess how many showed up? 7.....

So fast track 5 years on and now I have older siblings (I'm the youngest) emailing me with their worries, wanting me to sort their relationships out (all of them messed up), talking about their kids and the kids worries etc.

Here's the thing though... I spent hundreds $$$ to make sure I stay in touch with everyone, calling them, remembering birthdays, anniversaries etc. Total calls received back amount to 2 in the last 4 years and both of them were to ask if I'd let their teenage kids live with me for a year. I have three kids, and none of my family remember their birthdays (they were born here, but would think they'd make some effort to get to know them even with letters or something). I've been told on numerous accounts after christenings, weddings etc "it was so great to have all my kids together" by my dad, with me wondering what the heck am I if not your kid, I sure as heck wasn't there...

They "forgot" to tell me my grandma died, also 3 week delay to tell me my dad was on death's door , most of those I actually found out from Facebook (from rellies and friends, not siblings). Latest was in July when my high school friend emailed me that congrats for being an aunty again. Apparently my brother had a baby boy (thanks for telling me they were expecting) that was born 3 mths early but was now ok.... Hmmm, remember that I still call home atleast once a month! So it's not like I'm in info black hole!

So, lately they have had relationship issues, work worries etc and pouring it to me in emails. Not once have they asked about me or my family. I ignored the emails for 2weeks on purpose and got one from 1 sibling saying "surely you can't be that selfish you can't bloody take 2 minutes to write to me!" This said, I use to write every few days, getting a reply back once every 4 months so that's a pot calling a kettle black.

I realise I've moved away and by my choice but am I selfish when I say that I have finally, after over a decade, reached a point where I say "stuff u"??? Why should I keep calling all of them when they know my number and can't be bothered? Why should I sort out their lives when they can give a fluck about mine? Does that make me a selfish bitch? Reading back it does sound like it's all about me, but that's the point, all these years of making sure I'd stay in touch, I've finally realised they expect it, but no meeting half way.... So for once I'm being really selfish I suppose and asking what about me and mine? Do they not matter? Rant over.

eddie007

You fulfil YOUR need for family by making the effort to stay in touch with them...

THEY obviously don't have that need

Its YOU that has the need not them

Why not Get a puppy? Much more rewarding... they're loayal, miss you and are always pleased to see you...

moneypenny20

Welcome to my world. Five years and no visitors although they expect us to be able to travel back to the UK every year - WRONG! People go into hospital, have major surgery and I don't find out for months even though I've been talking to them regularly. Brother has a year long affair and then moves out of home - do I find out about it? Well yes but about 2 years later (had been back to the UK in the meantime). Sister plans a visit via Bangkok one christmas then pulls out due to lack of funds but then finds the money to send herself and her daughter to NY pre christmas shopping. She then manages to fly to HK to see a daughter, fly back then a few months later make a month long trip to Sri Lanka to see another daughter - oh and could I pop over to join in the fun

Nephew and girlfriend come to Aus for a month's holiday, three weeks of that spent 30km away - when do I find out? oh a month after they returned home - didn't have time to visit you see, too busy at the theme parks

Over it.

brissybee

You moved away and when you did, you made a choice to reduce contact with your family. Whether you meant it that way or not, that's what you did. They noticed. You can't live on the other side of the World and expect a pop in for a cuppa mentality from your family. Unfortunately, it's a bitter pill that all migrants have to swallow.

moneypenny20

True in part but if you constantly do the calling, emailing etc with your news and staying in touch in order to receive their news (because you realise you were the one to move away) why should the fact that you moved away prevent them from telling you what they're doing and that close relatives are dying or divorcing? That's not 'cuppa' mentality, that's selfish and cruel.

teza

Hmm, I make the effort to contact them all them time. I NEVER expected to pop in for a "cuppa". After over a decade all I am saying that would have been nice to hear of death in the family 1st hand, not through facebook months later, especially as I've spoken to various family members since the death, they just forgot I might be interested....

I would just for once the honest answer "can't be bothered" instead of excuses for not staying in touch

teza

Exactly MP! I'm really grumpy today and went on a rant with family yesterday, basically I sent them a long email saying exactly what I thought and telling them to stuff it, I for one will no longer struggle financially just to keep calling them when there's no act from their side. I would not mind if it wasn't so bloody one sided!
I think what made it worse is the expectation that I, as 10yrs + younger than my siblings, should be there 24/7 to help and listen their lives but no one bothers to even say "by the way, how are you? How are your kids?". Recently I mentioned to my brother that my son was waiting to get his L plates in 4 yrs, his comment "but he's only 5" and he was not kidding, nor could he remember either of my daughters names!

Geordie George

I think part of being over here means being out of sight, out of mind. People just don't think - I don't think it's always intnetional or malicious.

I had a baby boy at the start of January. Mr GG sent texts to the rellies in the UK (he didn't want to call as it was the middle of their night) minutes after the birth to let them know. My Dad finally posted a card three weeks after my son was born (judging by the post mark). My sister hasn't bothered sending anything at all. My Dad didn't bother telling me my Grandad had died until well after the event.

Neah.

LINZI

The only time i have grief is when family are either visiting or just not telling us whats been going on (we have the same thing finding things out on facebook) and after 5 years we still get the "you moved across the world so suck it up"

I have made the effort in the last 5 years to keep in touch and update with pictures and so on but to get nothing back... i can only do so much.

I will never understand families and how they behave

I hope things get better for you

Sally Redux

My Mum just told me my son isn't going to university this year, he's not in his last year at school yet - they are stuck when they last saw you. She also always calls me Ann (her sister's name). No-one else in the family is even slightly interested in us. I kind of get it.

My husband is currently visiting his Mum and Dad in Newcastle, 6,000 miles and he asked if his Dad could pick him up from the station, he told him to get a taxi.

teza

Gotta love families.... I used to upload photos for them on our homepage and let them know when they were up. I let the homepage go after one family member asked what were my kids names (they were 4,7 and 9 at the time) and who was who. Hmmm, hundreds of photos and phonecalls later, if you don't bother knowing your nieces and nephew's name then why should I bother showing their faces to them?

teza

After couple of weeks back home, I tried to organise farewell dinner with family. Each declined as it was "too far" (all live within 20kms of each other), it would be "emotionally hard" (seriously??) and "we can catch up later"

teza

Cruel but true.

scottishcelts

I'm not expecting any visitors from my family either - my mum has been coming and then not 3 times now, story of my life, she has let me down my entire life so why break the habit of a lifetime huh? Now she is letting my kids down.

Get over them (I don't mean that in an abrupt way ) rather live your life without them and if they are interested, they will soon be in touch.

You only hurt yourself by caring, try not to. Good luck.

Dorothy

Have you ever bothered to tell them how you feel? You might just be surprised that they never knew it bothered you.