Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Feb 14th 2010, 10:46 pm
#1
YES!! Sold sign!!!!!
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2009
Location: Up north - STILL!!!
Posts: 386
Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Hello all,
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch!
Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do??
Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch!
Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do?? Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
Feb 14th 2010, 10:53 pm
#2
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 6,600
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Give em some of that . . . . and all the best for doing what's right by you and yours.
Feb 14th 2010, 10:57 pm
#3
Adelaide Bound
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 457
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Hello all,
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch! Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do??
Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch!
Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do?? Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
I know it's difficult. Perhaps saying to your sister that you understand that she may be feeling upset and angry and while you can accept this, you have a level of understanding and that you have reached it.
I'm sure someone will post here who is going through the same thing.
Try and stay focused on what you want, why you are doing it and keep on marching forward!
Good luck!
Feb 14th 2010, 10:58 pm
#4
FREE TIBET
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,840
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Jesus she's some sister to have,im in agreement with my learned friend Spartyarse,tell her where to go
Feb 14th 2010, 11:02 pm
#5
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 9,668
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Christ, that's a bit low isn't it!
Your sister may well be panicking that if you're on the other side of the world, she'll be the one to deal with everything in your absence. She'll be thinking if your mum and dad get sick, or something goes wrong... People don't always say what they mean...
Your parents didn't have you so that you could 'owe' them later on. You're on the earth to live a life the best way you can and if going to Australia and stepping out on your own is important to you, then you go for it.
I would suggest a really nice coffee out with your sis, and have a non-confrontational chat with her, about how you really want to do this thing but at the same time reassure her that she's not being left with all the responsibilities... that if anything happens, you'll be on the first plane, or that you'll help financially if you can.... But also tell her that you need her to be happy for her because if she isn't, it will spoil things between you and you don't want that.
Tell her that you agree that leaving behind your son's grave is incredibly difficult but that you know a grave is just a grave and it's what's in your heart that is the most important thing. His memories go with you inside you there... it's portable ... a grave is just where the physical part ended for you ... spirits and memories live on.
Tell her you understand she is upset, but make it clear you are not abandoning her, that a new adventure awaits her too when she visits you, and that you too will be back to visit her.
In many ways, it's unfair of her to be doing this, but people respond differently and it's you doing the moving... You can't always have it work the way you want. Saying that, she needs to stop being so negative and look towards the opportunities too. She's just scared by the sound of it. Fear makes people blame others... Reassure her... you're causing the upheaval at the end of the day but you don't have to take the abuse either... it's about finding the middle ground for you all. Understanding other people but being fair with how much you're taking on board too.
And tell her the jibe about your son was low... though I suspect she already knows that because it really smacks of desperation.
Your sister may well be panicking that if you're on the other side of the world, she'll be the one to deal with everything in your absence. She'll be thinking if your mum and dad get sick, or something goes wrong... People don't always say what they mean...
Your parents didn't have you so that you could 'owe' them later on. You're on the earth to live a life the best way you can and if going to Australia and stepping out on your own is important to you, then you go for it.
I would suggest a really nice coffee out with your sis, and have a non-confrontational chat with her, about how you really want to do this thing but at the same time reassure her that she's not being left with all the responsibilities... that if anything happens, you'll be on the first plane, or that you'll help financially if you can.... But also tell her that you need her to be happy for her because if she isn't, it will spoil things between you and you don't want that.
Tell her that you agree that leaving behind your son's grave is incredibly difficult but that you know a grave is just a grave and it's what's in your heart that is the most important thing. His memories go with you inside you there... it's portable ... a grave is just where the physical part ended for you ... spirits and memories live on.
Tell her you understand she is upset, but make it clear you are not abandoning her, that a new adventure awaits her too when she visits you, and that you too will be back to visit her.
In many ways, it's unfair of her to be doing this, but people respond differently and it's you doing the moving... You can't always have it work the way you want. Saying that, she needs to stop being so negative and look towards the opportunities too. She's just scared by the sound of it. Fear makes people blame others... Reassure her... you're causing the upheaval at the end of the day but you don't have to take the abuse either... it's about finding the middle ground for you all. Understanding other people but being fair with how much you're taking on board too.
And tell her the jibe about your son was low... though I suspect she already knows that because it really smacks of desperation.
Feb 14th 2010, 11:02 pm
#6
I'm Old Gregg!
Joined: Mar 2009
Location: A Former Bogan Colony in QLD
Posts: 8,460
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Hello all,
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch! Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do??
Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch!
Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do?? Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
Feb 14th 2010, 11:03 pm
#7
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2009
Location: Woodvale, WA
Posts: 1,674
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
What a hurtful and insensitive thing to say.
All I can suggest is that you keep going with your plans. Can you explain to her that you have this dream that you want to follow. That you hope it works out but if not then you can come back. And that life is too short to have dreams in life....you want memories and that the loss of your son has taught you that.
If she can't understand it ask her not to discuss it with you again.
As for being a heartless mother. Absolutely not. As I have said above, life is too short. Keep going with what is right for you.
You can't take your son with you but that doesn't mean you don't care and don't think about him. As I said insensitive and I hope she feels ashamed of herself.
Good luck with your plans.
All I can suggest is that you keep going with your plans. Can you explain to her that you have this dream that you want to follow. That you hope it works out but if not then you can come back. And that life is too short to have dreams in life....you want memories and that the loss of your son has taught you that.
If she can't understand it ask her not to discuss it with you again.
As for being a heartless mother. Absolutely not. As I have said above, life is too short. Keep going with what is right for you.
You can't take your son with you but that doesn't mean you don't care and don't think about him. As I said insensitive and I hope she feels ashamed of herself.
Good luck with your plans.
Feb 14th 2010, 11:07 pm
#8
Account Open
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 4,298
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Hello all,
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch! Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do??
Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch!
Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do?? Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
Her comments on your son are foolish, but don't hold that against her. I don't think that she even genuinely believes what she is saying. It is more likely that she is very emotional and does not know what to do or say.
She does not want you to leave. You need to find out why, focus on her legitimate concerns, and discard all others.
Ultimately, your sister needs to understand that a family unit is not destroyed when some members move to other cities or countries. Instead, the family adapts.
Has your sister ever moved away from her hometown, away from your parents, or lived overseas for any time? If the answer is "yes", then I find it hard to understand her position.
Good luck - moving to live in another country is not always smooth sailing.
Feb 14th 2010, 11:14 pm
#9
Account Open
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 4,298
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Christ, that's a bit low isn't it!
Your sister may well be panicking that if you're on the other side of the world, she'll be the one to deal with everything in your absence. She'll be thinking if your mum and dad get sick, or something goes wrong... People don't always say what they mean...
Your parents didn't have you so that you could 'owe' them later on. You're on the earth to live a life the best way you can and if going to Australia and stepping out on your own is important to you, then you go for it.
I would suggest a really nice coffee out with your sis, and have a non-confrontational chat with her, about how you really want to do this thing but at the same time reassure her that she's not being left with all the responsibilities... that if anything happens, you'll be on the first plane, or that you'll help financially if you can.... But also tell her that you need her to be happy for her because if she isn't, it will spoil things between you and you don't want that.
Tell her that you agree that leaving behind your son's grave is incredibly difficult but that you know a grave is just a grave and it's what's in your heart that is the most important thing. His memories go with you inside you there... it's portable ... a grave is just where the physical part ended for you ... spirits and memories live on.
Tell her you understand she is upset, but make it clear you are not abandoning her, that a new adventure awaits her too when she visits you, and that you too will be back to visit her.
In many ways, it's unfair of her to be doing this, but people respond differently and it's you doing the moving... You can't always have it work the way you want. Saying that, she needs to stop being so negative and look towards the opportunities too. She's just scared by the sound of it. Fear makes people blame others... Reassure her... you're causing the upheaval at the end of the day but you don't have to take the abuse either... it's about finding the middle ground for you all. Understanding other people but being fair with how much you're taking on board too.
And tell her the jibe about your son was low... though I suspect she already knows that because it really smacks of desperation.
Your sister may well be panicking that if you're on the other side of the world, she'll be the one to deal with everything in your absence. She'll be thinking if your mum and dad get sick, or something goes wrong... People don't always say what they mean...
Your parents didn't have you so that you could 'owe' them later on. You're on the earth to live a life the best way you can and if going to Australia and stepping out on your own is important to you, then you go for it.
I would suggest a really nice coffee out with your sis, and have a non-confrontational chat with her, about how you really want to do this thing but at the same time reassure her that she's not being left with all the responsibilities... that if anything happens, you'll be on the first plane, or that you'll help financially if you can.... But also tell her that you need her to be happy for her because if she isn't, it will spoil things between you and you don't want that.
Tell her that you agree that leaving behind your son's grave is incredibly difficult but that you know a grave is just a grave and it's what's in your heart that is the most important thing. His memories go with you inside you there... it's portable ... a grave is just where the physical part ended for you ... spirits and memories live on.
Tell her you understand she is upset, but make it clear you are not abandoning her, that a new adventure awaits her too when she visits you, and that you too will be back to visit her.
In many ways, it's unfair of her to be doing this, but people respond differently and it's you doing the moving... You can't always have it work the way you want. Saying that, she needs to stop being so negative and look towards the opportunities too. She's just scared by the sound of it. Fear makes people blame others... Reassure her... you're causing the upheaval at the end of the day but you don't have to take the abuse either... it's about finding the middle ground for you all. Understanding other people but being fair with how much you're taking on board too.
And tell her the jibe about your son was low... though I suspect she already knows that because it really smacks of desperation.
I love reading your posts Tiddlypom. I genuinely think that you need your own forum, blog, newspaper article, etc.
Looking forward to reading many more.
Feb 14th 2010, 11:18 pm
#11
YES!! Sold sign!!!!!
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2009
Location: Up north - STILL!!!
Posts: 386
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Awww - thanks for taking time to give all your words of support - some good advice there!! (as ever!!!)
I will try to remain open to trying to continue to get her to talk on a more useful level and not respond back emotively.
Feeling much more chipper now..............Cheers to you all!X!
I will try to remain open to trying to continue to get her to talk on a more useful level and not respond back emotively.
Feeling much more chipper now..............Cheers to you all!X!
Feb 15th 2010, 12:58 am
#12
Oiiii.. You slaggg!
Joined: Feb 2004
Location: Brisbaneshire
Posts: 5,209
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Hello all,
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch! Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do??
Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch!
Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do?? Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
Feb 15th 2010, 1:05 am
#13
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2007
Location: Currambine, Perth
Posts: 696
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Your son goes where your heart goes 
Your sister was very wrong to say this but is obviously at desperation stage because she loves you very much.
Good Luck with following your dreams, believe me it will be worth it
Lo. xxx
Your sister was very wrong to say this but is obviously at desperation stage because she loves you very much.
Good Luck with following your dreams, believe me it will be worth it
Lo. xxx
Feb 15th 2010, 5:40 am
#14
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,872
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Hmmm Thats hitting below the belt is'nt it regarding your deceased son!I think I would of just told her actually that was totally unacceptable.I know when people leave right,you want to leave on good terms don't you and want their blessing?I think I would tell her that, myself.I had a similar issue with my twin when I announced I was'nt returning to Australia.She did'nt talk to me for months.Very unfair I thought.I would say your sister is swinging between being envious and fear of losing you.Keep your chin up and stand firm.All the best and keep focussed on the positive.xx
Feb 15th 2010, 5:59 am
#15
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,514
Re: Sorry to be gloomy but....am I a real cow??
Hello all,
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch! Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do??
Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
I know the Barbie is usually a very 'upbeat' hang out - but didn't know which other forum to post in - and need some words of support to bolster my flagging spirit!!
Have been forging ahead with our plans but meeting resistance from my elder sister and emotional blackmail BIG style. Have been coping well with constant 'how could you do this to our family' stance but beginning to grind me down and getting p'eed off now!
She has finally resorted to reminding me that we will be 'leaving our baby son's grave behind' - Ouch!
Our first son died 12 years ago, but feel that although he will never be forgotten, leaving his 'body' behind does feel disloyal ( it is hard actually) - but short of exhuming, what does she expect me to do?? Feels like a really low life dirty stunt to pull on me - I know she is upset, I feel like after this time passing, we are entitled to consider ourselves and our living kids primarily, but this constant kicking is beginning to impact.
I am trying to see her point of view and common sense tells me she is resorting to any ploy she can BUT the irrational side of me think, am I a heartless cow of a mother ?? Paranoia settling in deep, and I could do with an independant view! Opinions, please ( but be gentle!)
If you believe your quality of life improves after you move, go for it. Take opinions of the people you trust into account, to accommodate their needs as much as you can, but do not have them make decisions for you.