should i forgive and forget...
 

Hello all...

sorry for this post, but think i might need some advice re family.

When i sold my house, my son and his partner said they were quite happy for my and my youngest to move in with them...my youngest sons was going to stay there till he finished his schooling.

I paid for the decorating, carpets, shower bought and fitted....

The first week, i never saw the daughter in law, she went out most nights till late...even staying out all night...

Then my eyes were opened to the fact they were in deep financail trouble...to the tune of £4,000. I paid that gladly and offered advice as to how to economise...son works but is poorly paid...(plus CSA payments) daughter in law only ever worked part time...packed in her job before i moved in then started a new full time job two weeks ago.

As the time went past more debt came up...to the point the baliffs were coming one evening...i paid them, then the mortgage...then the mot repairs, car insurance...etc..

It now stands at £5,000 that ive paid out..plus £100 per week for lodge..

Things came to a head this thursdaay, son had transferred his wages to another bank...(after a weekend when she stayed out all night and came home at 3..30am sunday morning. When she found out she went loopy..verbally attacking me, saying i was a bad mother for leaving my youngest and that my eldest had told her we didnt get on when he was 14 (like i wasnt there!) mind i gave as good as i got...and decided that it was time to move out...which i did on that afternoon. Went to collect more stuff on the evening and she physically attacked me...my son was horrified...
then she did it again as i was leaving....

Im not prepared for her to come between my sons and me..(my youngest had moved out a week ago because of the constant bickering between them).

My son is as much to blame for the debts...but truly had no idea as to the extent. Hes not sure what he wants...hes in a no win situation, she wont sell, cant afford to buy him out..and he cant move out because he cant afford to stay anywhere..or for that matter has no where to go at the mo..im with mum and youngest son in two bed flat...very cramped.

I was thinking of saying forget the debt...making a move and seeing her Christmas day with the presents ive bought...i dont want to go to aus without giving it one more try...

She seems to want to break up my family..and my son well hes made his decision to stay, I wont fall out with him for that...

thanks for listening to my woes..

regards

lolly

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Hi Lolly,
First of all, you said that you sold your house, that means you have some cash with you and then become a banker for your son and his partner's
financial mess .You already paid over 5,000 pounds to bail them out.
Then you were physically attacked by her twice and your son were just
horrified. You should have charged her for assault and go to the process
of the legal system to send her a clear message that her behaviour was
not acceptable. Of course you did not want to because of your son.

The bottom line is that you need to take care of yourself so that you have
the energy to look after your youngest son.Forget about the debt,leave
your son and partner to work out their mess, don't buy into the guilt trips
about what happened when he was 14 yrs. old and now you are trying to
make it right .

I had been through the same situation like you, it took me along
time to realise that throwing money and rescuing blood relatives
from financial mess in order to keep the family together is futile especially
when they do not want to change.

Do yourself a favour, use these situations as to learn about yourself,you
will be surprise to find out that it more about you than them. I did the
self discovery work and I am glad that I did.
Take care and enjoy the journey of self discovery, you will meet alot
of teachers along the way . Merry Christmas, Yoong

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Hello lolly,
Thats very sad situation to be in my partner in same situation but reverse with his Mam and sisters. There awful his dad died two years ago suddenly. A month later we had a baby boy who they never bother with because according to them they should of having the boy first after their dad and not me.

since his dad died the mother and sisters make his life unbearable. When it suits them they will talk to him then next day they walk past him in street and turn there head.

They tell any one who will listen that he is a bad person and isn't sad and not bothered that their dad died they say to everyone he moved on with life and doesn't grieve like they do because he not bothered that dad died. I'm sorry but I see these people for what they really are evil and selfish feckers .

He went and got them presents for Xmas and wants to take them down. I know they be all nice over gifts then when his back is turned they talk about him. I couldn't care if I saw them again they walk past me and my 2 boys in the street and when they are nice and do get kids a very rare present its no more then ten pound.

I feel sorry for him cause I know he really loves them and just wants for them all to get along. I have lost loads of sleep over the whole situation because I see how mean they are to him .

I having a loving family and we all care for each other I have never seen anyone behave like they do to their own brother and son. I dont know how to help him with the situation and would really love some advice aswel.

Louise

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Hi Lolly

Read your first couple of posts on debts. Should have left it all well alone, kids are grown up and have to live with their decisions, if they ask for help once it's all gone belly up then be there for them. Offer advice on future not finance, lessons have to be learnt the hard way at times, baling them out won't help in the long run!
Hope you manage to get some kind of normality with your son.

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Totally agree with OP. Let them stand on their own two/four feet!
Don't be manipulated.
Best of luck.

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Weird one, why should you support your son?

He's big enough and (probably) ugly enough to do it himself.

As to the "well his wife/gf/whatever" did it. Bollocks.

Stoppaying for him, get him to stand on his own to feet and do something with himself.

It's only £5k for fooks sake

Mollycoddling doesn't work.

Especially with smoggies

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

God Lolly, like you really need this!
She sounds like a right trout, she should respect you as her partners mother and physically attacking you is just disgusting.
I was brought up to respect people and she is just unbelievable.
It must be difficult living together but it was only for a set period of time which she knew when you would be leaving - for good might I add - and she just couldn't be civil even after you paid out for all the above?
Your son is tied in a no win situation. Does he think the relationship has a future with all the late nights and debt? If he does, leave him to it. If he is unsure, take him to a solicitor which offers initial free advice on first appointment if they are available in your area.
Wish I could offer better advice but will send K to compensate :D
Hope it all works out,
J x

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Dear Lolly
You have tried to help... you don't need to do anymore. If you want to 'make the peace' and go around on Christmas - fine but if she attacks you again I would call 999 and press charges - who the HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? You have been paying your way and helped them out. They have made their own bed and unfortunately your son needs to learn the hard way.
I am a bit concerned however about where your other son will stay now? Surely he is not staying with them? What if she treated him like that?
Best of luck to you and for god sake don't give them anymore money.
Any for the record most 14 yo's are VILE!

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

thanks for your kind words!

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

hi all

thanks for all the advice...

been awake most of the night and not going to waste anymore time worrying about it...yep they big enough and ugly enough (well shes small and ugly, hes tall and quite good looking lol but then hes my son)

Im just going to forget about the money, that way she cant throw it back in his face everytime they are skint..which on average is everyday!

so ill tell them both that today.

regards

lolly

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Good for you and remember we're here if you need us :)
Karma sent

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Good to hear about your decision. Your son will see the positive
changes in you and realises that he does not need to put up with this
ugly person. He too might make changes in his life seeing you as
a positive influence. Take care, Yoong

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Why is she out all night? Sounds like she's being unfaithful anyway. :confused:

Sorry Lolly... sounds horrid. Hopw you get it sorted. Perhaps he needs a visit to the CAB to sort out the debt and perhaps a divorce from her.

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Hi Lolly,
Its difficult when its you're son isnt it?- you only wanted to help with the finances and look what his partner gave you in return.
I know from experience that when a son is in love her believes EVERYTHING that his parnter tells him, when previously he would've believed you?- hurts like hell at first too.
Glad you've decided to put things straight with them today- hope it works out for you.

Its hard to let go and let your children make their own mistakes but sometimes you just have to - don't let them take the p**s out of you.

Good luck and take care of yourself and your youngest son. :)

Re: should i forgive and forget...
 

Good Luck Lolly - I know it must be hard for you! One day your Son will appreciate the help you gave and the fact that you knew when to step back.

All the best :)